


Lay Me Down

by stelleshine



Series: The Ruby Universe [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Artist Michael, Character Death, Emotional Roller Coaster, Family, Friends to Lovers, Grieving, M/M, Music Producer Ashton, Soccer Player Calum, Teacher Luke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-04 03:52:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 101,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5319419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelleshine/pseuds/stelleshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum is the one thing Luke has as his world falls down around him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey.”

Luke Hemmings felt his cheeks burn hotly at the sound of the three letter word escaping Calum Hood’s lips.

It was ridiculous, he knew that. To blush so profusely in front of someone he’d known for the better half of his life, but he supposed everything had changed, now. Or at least, it had changed a month ago when they’d both had a little too much to drink at a stupid party, and Calum had him pressed up against the brickwork of Ashton Irwin’s house, his tongue in Luke’s mouth.

That had been the moment Luke had realized that his forever-long crush on his best friend wasn’t only _okay_ , but _reciprocated_.

It had taken them two weeks to even _talk_ about what had happened, and another week before Calum has asked him out – officially.

 _Low-key dinner_ , he’d said easily, a shrug of his shoulders that set Luke at ease. No pressure, because they’d gone out to dinner before. Technically they’d never been out to dinner _alone_ to a place that used linen tablecloths, but Luke was desperately trying to calm his frantic heart.

“Hey.”

Calum grinned, one hand tucked into the tight pocket of his skinny jeans. “You okay?”

Luke laughed, hiding his blushing face behind the front door of his tiny house. He bit down on his lip ring before righting himself again, staring back at Calum. “Shut up.”

Calum laughed, reaching forward with his free hand to tug at Luke’s plaid button down. “I just get a hey?”

Luke felt his stomach bottom out – the tell-tale feelings of _first date excitement_ racing through his veins. He wasn’t sure what Calum was after, exactly, but Luke didn’t hesitate to step forward and press a soft, chaste kiss against the corner of his mouth.

Calum let out a tiny sound, his palm coming to rest on Luke’s chest. “Better,” he mumbled, following up the small peck with one of his own, pressed to Luke’s jaw.

Luke knew the longer they stood there at the front door, so close to one another, the need to go out to dinner would diminish, and Luke would drag the older man inside, and there was a part of him that didn’t want to get too far ahead of himself.

Luke hadn’t liked anyone in a really long time, and he’d learnt from previous mistakes. His last relationship had ended before it began, because Luke had thrown caution to the wind and gave into his needs, and it had been obvious shortly after that it had been a mistake with a capital M.

There was no way he was going to rush things with Calum. He wasn’t prepared to lose him, and that was that.

“C’mon,” Calum mumbled softly, pulling back. “I made reservations.”

Luke laughed softly, patting down his pockets for his essentials – wallets, keys, phone. Once he’d checked he pulled the front door shut and locked the screen door, feeling Calum’s fingers curl around his as they headed for the car.

**

It hadn’t taken long for Luke to realize that dating one’s best friend, was probably the best idea he’d ever had. There was no first date awkwardness, talking about the weather or cricket, or their favourite movies or bands.

Calum talked about his soccer practice schedule, how he was so close to moving out if his mum asked him to unpack the dishwasher one more time. Luke laughed, would blush when their hands touched on the table, and he fought the urge to profess his love.

They instead talked about Luke’s students, how proud he was of his senior class, and how he hoped for a few top OP’s when the time came for the yearly test. Then there was always excited babbling from the younger man about the niece or nephew that was expected in two short months.

The baby would be the first in the Hemmings family, and to say he or she was already loved was an understatement. Luke could see how nervous Ben was, but how supportive he was of his wife, Sarah. Even Jack, who was notoriously _not_ a baby person, even found joy in feeling the subtle movements of the baby kicking.

There wasn’t a single person that wasn’t excitedly anticipating the baby, and Luke was probably at the top of the list. He knew that at 24, he wasn’t ready for a family. He wanted to hopefully be married before starting the adoption process, but kids were most definitely in his life plan.

“So I got a phone call from Mikey this morning.”

Luke raised an eyebrow as he took a slow sip from his glass of beer, his interest piqued.

“He’s such an asshole,” Calum grinned. “He was at fine form, and wished us luck for tonight, then proceeded to talk me through the art of gay sex.”

Luke almost spat out his mouthful of beer as his face turned red once more. “Oh, well. That’s…helpful?”

Calum laughed, reaching over to touch Luke’s forearm. “I told him where to go, don’t worry.”

Luke smiled, looking away from Calum’s warm, dark eyes. “At least he’s supportive.”

Calum’s fingertips lingered on his exposed skin a moment longer before he pulled his hand back. “Luke,” he said softly. “I really like you.”

Luke wasn’t sure if Calum was just being honest, or trying to make his face spontaneously combust.

“I’m just…yeah. I like you.”

Luke laughed softly, reaching out for Calum’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I like you too, Cal. I just…I can’t believe we’re finally doing this.”

Calum’s thumb stroked over the back of Luke’s hand. “I don’t want to move this too fast, so Mikey can keep his pep talk to himself.”

Luke smiled. “Yeah, me too.”

“I mean,” Calum said, his brows furrowing. “I don’t _need_ the pep talk,” he said in a rush. “I mean, if you were wondering.”

Luke grinned, squeezing Calum’s fingers. “I know. Did you forget it’s me? I know exactly how many times you haven’t needed that talk.”

Calum’s cheeks flushed and he groaned, his head dropping. “Jesus, you’re right. God, you know way too much about my sex life.”

Luke laughed, feeling bubbles float through his stomach. “Hey, it goes both ways. You were the first person I called after I slept with Jason.”

Calum looked up, his lips pursed. “Okay, not to sound all…possessive, but I’m going to stop thinking about you with other guys, okay? Plus, Jason was a douche.”

Luke smiled, tugging at Calum’s hand gently. “I think it’s safe to stay the only person I’m thinking about being with is you.”

Calum smiled. “Okay. I like the sound of that.”

**

Calum spent the night.

Luke invited him in before his conscience reminded him that he’d decided _not_ to do this. But Calum had hesitated, had lingered in the doorway after the chaste goodnight kiss they’d shared, his dark eyes fixed on Luke.

“Are you sure?”

Luke had chewed on his lip ring, and knew he should say _no._ But he nodded anyway, and Calum stepped inside and slid the door shut and the lock into place.

Luke knew he shouldn’t have worried. That they’d jump into bed and fast track something they both wanted to take their time with. They’d ended up streaming _Funny or Die_ videos via Luke’s TV, and fell asleep on the couch without trading a single kiss or lingering touch.

The only regret Luke woke up with was the crick in his neck after using the hard jut of the couch arm as a pillow.

The kisses they’d traded over breakfast had made Luke’s body heat up, nothing more than the simple press of lips, but it felt like so much more.

The pancakes had been amazing – Calum’s cooking repertoire had graduated from 2 minute noodles to blueberry pancakes – and Luke had been happy to play out his Sunday morning routine, with Calum by his side.

It started with reading the paper that was waiting on the welcome mat, and drinking the largest cup of coffee imaginable, in the warming sun that streamed through the high windows of the dining room.

Luke loved the odd choice of table and chairs he’d picked, the table large enough to seat eight, and a long wicker padded lounge chair pushed underneath the tall windows. The cushions were covered in bright blue and green palm fronds, and the four chairs on the opposite side of the table mirrored the pattern.

It was comfortable, and Luke vowed to spend every morning there, if he could.

But it was somehow better – warmer, comfier – with Calum there, splitting the paper into current events (Luke) and sports (Calum). Luke had curled up against the solid wall of Calum’s chest to read and doze in the sunlight, his fingers smudged with newsprint and a smile on his face.

He knew that even though they didn’t sleep together – and Luke was adamant they wouldn’t until they were ready – things were moving _fast_.

He sure as hell wouldn’t invite someone to have breakfast and a cuddle after a first date, but he figured that it wasn’t every day that he’d date his best friend. He ended up giving up the paper and turning his face into Calum’s chest, a smile on his face as he ignored probing text messages from Michael, and a call from his mum.

**

Luke pursed his lips as he looked up from his senior syllabus, red pen poised in his right hand. He’d been in deep concentration, making a few notes regarding the upcoming paper his year twelve students would need to submit before starting HSC preparations for the year.

He couldn’t believe the school year was almost half over. It felt like he’d only just met his hopeful year twelve’s, before the pressures of their last year of high school sunk in. He’d been incredibly lucky with his class, made up with those destined for great things, and a few others that were unclear on their futures.

They were the students Luke loved getting to know the most. He loved the idea of helping shape someone’s future, because he knew he’d always credit his year twelve English teacher – Mr Buckley – for helping him towards a degree in teaching.

He’d always known he wanted to be a high school English teacher, even though his confidence in himself had been lacking. He’d never been sure if he had what it took, but the drive inside of him had been what his teacher had identified, and Luke had graduated with his head held high. It had meant giving up his dream of being a rock star, however idealistic it had been. It had been a dream of Calum’s too, and their best friends Michael Clifford and Ashton Irwin in tow, they had planned to create a perfect four-piece punk-pop band to rival Fall Out Boy or All Time Low.

They’d all played instruments and had played the shit out of them, and there were a few videos floating around on YouTube that Luke pretended to be embarrassed about, but there was something humbling about watching fourteen-year-old Luke singing sweetly about drops in the ocean.

But teenage dreams had faded out into reality, and there had been no question that Calum was going to pursue his soccer talent for as long as he could. It turned out he wouldn’t have to look hard to find a club to accept him – the Sydney Amateur Football league had snatched him up, and before long he was playing first grade soccer and disappearing to Madrid for a year to train with the pros.

Michael had deferred for three years – and if you asked him, the word was used loosely – and spent most of the time on his parent’s couch eating corn chips and playing Call of Duty. He finally let his mum talk him into using his artistic talent to enrol in a few art classes, and then his first self-funded graphic novel had been published when he was twenty-three, and there was suddenly a cult following fan base – Mikey Mouses, he called them – that salivated over each new issue that came out every few months.

It allowed Michael to do what he was good at, in the comfort of his bedroom, without having to put pants on. If that didn’t sum him up, Luke didn’t know what did.

Ashton had been the only one to stick with music, in a sense. Uni was a no brainer – such a good example for his younger siblings – and he had started out doing an arts degree, but after flunking his first unit in his bachelor of media arts, he figured it was time to stop kidding himself and switched to majoring in music.

Following the successful completion of his course came his masters, and Luke could only sit back and watch in wonder as Ashton took his place behind a sound board in one of the most elite recording studios in Sydney.

Luke’s path had been simple – bachelor of arts along with a bachelor in education, then a masters in education studies. It had been the hardest thing he’d ever done, but at the end, after almost five long years of working part time to try and bridge the gap, he’d graduated.

He’d got his first preference at a school not too far from home, and had slowly proven himself to the principal and his fellow faculty members, and was one of the favourites among the students.

His time at uni had been mostly spent with Ashton – sharing early morning train trips into Macquarie University five days a week, and then convening for lunch; either in the warm winter sun, or inside the library to find reprieve from the heat for the other eight months of the year.

They’d become fast friends, especially in the year Calum had spent abroad. Luke had taken the separation hard, and a part of him had used Calum’s departure to try and move on.

It hadn’t worked.

When Luke looked back on uni, he wondered how he hadn’t managed to fall in love with Ashton. It would’ve made sense, with all the time they spent together and the absolutely addictive nature of Ashton’s attitude with life. He was sweet, kind, talented and handsome, with an infectious smile and laugh. He’d been there to pull Luke out of his flailing panic attacks at the idea of exams, to level him out when Luke was certain there was no way he’d complete his masters degree.

But still, even when his brain was telling him to get over Calum, it was almost impossible. The distance had been hard, and Luke had almost been certain that whatever he’d felt for Calum before he left was gone, until he saw him.

Bronzed skin, wide smile and speaking Spanish, Luke was quickly reminded that he was, in fact, in love with Calum Hood. His dark eyes, the way he’d suck in desperate breaths when he laughed too hard, the wide spread of his fingers when they’d hold hands. Calum hugged with his whole body, and made everything bad cease for just a minute whenever Luke was wrapped up in his arms.

He’d ended up confessing his secret to Ashton one morning on the train, a few days after Calum had gotten back from Madrid, and Luke had realized that his feelings were just as strong as they’d been before he’d left.

Ashton had sat there with wide eyes for thirty minutes as Luke confessed that his feelings for Calum were a lot more than friendly. He’d interrupted with a loud bubble of laughter suddenly, interrupting Luke’s rushed invective.

_“I **know** , Luke. Do you really think I haven’t noticed the way you look at him?”_

Luke had spent the rest of their trip almost hyperventilating at the idea that he hadn’t been as subtle as he’d hoped. Ashton had hugged him tightly, ruffling his styled hair in typical big-brother type fashion, and made a joke about Calum being a horrible boyfriend, before they both fell quiet.

Ashton’s only advice was simple, though.

_“Go for it. I think you two would make a cute couple.”_

Luke had tried not to spend the majority of his classes thinking about just how _cute_ they’d actually look.

He yawned, sitting back in his chair as he stretched his back, setting his pen down. He felt like time was running out – there was only another week before the school holidays – and he was constantly worried that his students weren’t as prepared as they should be for the second half of their senior year.

He both loved and loathed the HSC preparation portion of the year. He remembered as a student how helpful it had been, but also how it had given him his very first panic attack. He could remember being handed a practice test for his math component, and had spent his lunch break in the boy’s bathroom hyperventilating into Michael’s brown paper lunch bag.

He’d had _no_ idea how he’d be able to complete what was required, and even though he was a good student – and his mother was a damn _maths_ teacher, too – there was a part of him that wasn’t confident in his abilities to perform under pressure.

His mother had always urged him and his older brothers to do well in school; to give themselves a head start in life. Luke knew he got his love of teaching from her, but there were times when her ‘pep talks’ only added more weight onto his already burdened shoulders. He wanted to make her proud, and he wanted to make _himself_ proud.

To his surprise, he’d done better than expected, and had used his OP 4 to walk straight into his degree without any fear that he’d fail. At least, until he saw his coarse load, and had depended on Ashton to talk him off a ledge.

But the further he went in uni, the more he calmed down, and before long Luke didn’t need to worry about paper bags or needing a comforting hug from Ashton – he was just _sure_ , and made a promise to himself not to doubt his abilities again.

It was a work in progress, but so far, so good.

For the first time in a long time, things were feeling good; settled. Instead of just excelling in his career, Luke’s personal life was picking up, and he knew it was stupid to think too far into the future, but things with Calum felt right, and he was unable to deny the way his heart kicked in his chest at just the thought of the other man.

He dug into his pocket for his phone, tempted to send a text with a thousand different emojis, but he refrained. It had only been _one_ date, and despite the fact that he’d managed to see Calum _every day since then_ , didn’t mean they were to the lame text messaging part.

Luke’s teeth tugged at his lip ring and went against his sensible nature, and sent the text.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Is this weird?”

Luke felt his cheeks warm, the panic from walking into his house to find it wasn’t as empty as he’d expected had faded, and all he was able to feel was a warm glow that seemed to come from somewhere deep inside of him.

Or from Calum, who’d used Luke’s ‘emergency’ key to let himself in so he could cook dinner, and the pleasant smell coming from Luke’s little kitchen was only further proof there was a hot meal waiting for him.

“This is not weird,” Luke smiled, dropping his bag on the floor by the door and peeled off his denim jacket, letting it fall carelessly on top of his bag. “This is great, and sorely needed because I had the day from hell.”

Calum smiled, extending his hand, which Luke took. “What happened? Someone make fun of you in class?”

Luke rolled his eyes and punched weakly at Calum’s shoulder before taking his hand. “Screw you. I’m the _teacher_ now. I don’t get picked on.”

Calum pulled him in, ghosting a kiss over his cheek gently. “So what happened, then? Literary injustice against that poet you like?”

Luke wasn’t sure how his eyes weren’t permanently rolled into the back of his head after dating Calum for six weeks. The gentle mocking that had been the baseline of their friendship since childhood was still there, only now Luke got to withhold kisses if Calum got a little _too_ familiar.

But it was becoming something Luke loved about the other man, the ease in which they could banter back and forth, and then trade kisses to soothe any hurt feelings that arose.

“Staff meeting ran long, because no one can figure out who’s clogging up the boy’s toilets with tampons. The janitor is threatening to quit, and I don’t know how to drop the subtle hint that it’s a few of the school troublemakers without worrying my tyres will get slashed.”

Calum snorted, pressing a kiss to Luke’s shoulder. “Where the hell is this school, Redfern?”

“Ha ha,” Luke muttered sarcastically, giving Calum a light shove. “Did I forget to mention that I’ve been nominated to give a speech at the year eight orientation presentation in fourth term? Like it’s not enough that I have to give the senior address too.”

Calum smiled, his hands settling on Luke’s shoulders and squeezed softly. “And you’re complaining? C’mon, I know you well enough to know you love this stuff.”

Luke leant in and pressed his face into Calum’s neck, his nose pressing against his adam’s apple. “What’s for dinner?”

Calum laughed softly, arms sliding around Luke. “Country chicken casserole with green beans and pumpkin,” he mumbled. “Did you know you had a slow cooker? And do you know how fucking easy it is to use?”

Luke laughed. “Yes, I was aware I had a slow cooker. I think it was a regifted present from mum. I don’t think I’ve ever used it, though.”

“Well you have now,” Calum smiled. “It literally took me ten minutes to cut everything up and then I just put it in, and I was done. I thought it’d take longer, so I’ve been here for like, four hours. So I watched Danoz Direct and bought you a mop.”

Luke snorted, pulling back to look at Calum with something akin to wonder on his face. “How did I get you, seriously?”

“You lost a bet,” Calum grinned, pulling him back in, his hands squeezing over Luke’s hips. “Pretty sure I’m the consolation prize in the lottery.”

“Mhm, not possible,” Luke mumbled, pressing his lips to Calum’s jaw. “Pretty sure a consolation prize wouldn’t make me dinner.”

“True,” Calum mumbled. “But you haven’t tasted it yet, so reserve judgement until _after_ we eat.”

“Deal,” Luke agreed, his lips finding Calum’s in a slow, lazy kiss.

It was exactly what he needed at the end of a long day; to come home to the guy he’d fallen in love with to find that he had a hot meal waiting for him, and the company of said guy. There was nothing else Luke wanted.

“I love you.”

When Calum pulled away from the slow kiss, Luke realized he’d said his confession out loud, and right into Calum’s mouth.

“Shit,” he whispered, pressing his fingers to his bottom lip. “I didn’t mean to say that into your mouth like a fucking creep.”

Calum blinked, a slow smile crawling onto his lips.

“I mean, I meant to say it, but not like that. I thought it’d be different, when I’d say it for the first time. Like, when we decide to have sex, or like, when you take me to your parent’s place for dinner as your boyfriend, or even like, any other time than right now, into your mouth,” he rushed out.

Calum grinned, his eyebrows rising. “Well that’s a lot of information to get in ten seconds.”

Luke groaned, resting his forehead on Calum’s shoulder. “Shut up. You make me nervous and I hate you.”

Calum pulled him in, wrapping his arms around Luke’s waist. “You don’t hate me,” he mumbled into Luke’s neck, his lips dragging over the spot just under his earlobe. “Pretty sure you love me, actually.”

“Hate,” Luke mumbled pitifully.

“Too bad,” Calum murmured. “Because I love you too.”

Luke smiled. “Yeah?”

Calum nodded. “Have for a while, actually, just wasn’t sure when the right time would be to say it. Obviously I’ve loved you since we were kids. Now it’s just…more than that.”

Luke could feel his face heat up again, and he lifted his head off of Calum’s shoulder. “Really?”

Calum nodded. “Really. In love with you, or whatever.”

Luke’s fingers tangled in the long strands of dark hair at the nape of Calum’s neck, giving a soft tug. “Same,” he nodded. “Do you think we should…have sex?”

“Wow, so romantic,” Calum teased.

Luke groaned. “You’re an asshole, I take it back.”

Calum laughed. “Oh come on, you have to admit just _asking_ like you were asking me if I wanted to go bowling…you should expect to get shit for that.”

“Fine,” Luke countered. “But we haven’t yet, okay? Is that weird?”

“No!” Calum insisted. “Jesus, it’s been six weeks, and I know we’ve known each other forever, but we’re not rushing, remember? Plus, we’ve been doing _stuff_.”

The _stuff_ had never come at a more perfect time. Luke had missed that part about a new relationship, the stolen touches and kisses and desperate need to pleasure one another. And he was as compatible with Calum in bed as he was in real life, and there had been more than a few times that Luke wanted to go all the way; they both had.

But the romantic part of Luke was hoping to make this thing with Calum a forever thing. It wasn’t an idea he was sharing with Calum just yet, though. They were only six weeks in, and even though it felt right, Luke still wanted to be careful. So he’d always stop himself from begging, no matter how hard it was.

“It’ll happen when the time is right,” Calum assured him softly. “I’m happy, and you’re happy and this thing is good.”

Luke smiled, nodding his head. “So, tell me more about dinner.”

**

“Long time no see, asshole.”

Luke rolled his eyes and nudged Michael’s bedroom door shut with his foot, and flopped down on his bed in a heap.

“Seriously, who the fuck are you? I don’t recognize you without Calum surgically attached to your face.”

Despite the amount of love Luke had for Michael, he was fucking annoying sometimes. They hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks; three weeks max. And now he was all _end of the world_ and sometimes, Luke wanted to shut him up.

“Nice to see you too, Mikey.”

“Fuck you.”

Luke sighed. “Hey, last time I saw you, you were chasing tail and not the least bit interested in talking to me.”

“Hey,” Michael pointed out, setting down his marker and turned in his desk chair. “That was the first time I’d been out in _months_ , and that guy was _hot_.”

“Well did you score, at least?”

Michael grinned. “I don’t kiss and tell.”

Luke wanted to point out that yes, Michael _did_ kiss and tell, and Luke was still scarred from the time Michael had told him he’d bottomed for the first time and it’d been excruciating. It had been months before Luke had lost his virginity to his first boyfriend, and after Michael’s graphic retelling, he’d been in a state of panic about the entire thing, he was surprised he’d even had sex in the first place.

“How about you? Putting out for Hood, yet?”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Why are you such a pig? Can’t you just be normal?”

“Normal is boring,” Michael said pointedly. “Look at you.”

Luke groaned. “Okay, fuck you. You’re obviously on your period so call me when it’s over and I can get my best friend back,” he demanded, picking himself up off Michael’s bed, and headed for the door.

“Oh come on,” Michael groaned, throwing his marker across the room to hit Luke’s back. “You’ve been with Cal, what, two months, and now you’re sensitive when I pick on you?”

Luke turned around. “Six weeks, and you’re being an asshole, not _picking_ on me,” he pointed out. “I know you’re jealous okay, but at least I’m trying.”

Michael scoffed loudly, standing up from his chair, and tugged at the bottom of his creased Green Day shirt down in annoyance. “First of all, I’m not _jealous_. If I wanted to fuck Calum, I would. Hell, if I wanted to fuck _you_ , I would’ve already!”

Luke laughed. “Excuse me? If _you_ wanted to fuck me, you would’ve already? You’re so fucking romantic.”

“You’re not my type,” Michael demanded moodily. “Seriously, you hook up with Calum and forget all about me.”

Luke sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. “I haven’t _forgotten_ you, and Calum and I aren’t just _hooking_ up. We’re in a relationship. An adult relationship with feelings and emotional attachment and…yeah.”

Michael’s pout softened, and he let out a sigh, dropping back down into his seat. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

Luke was unable to keep the small smile off his face at the thought of his feelings for Calum. It was completely true – he was in love, and walking on sunshine whenever he was with the other man. It felt like a missing piece of his heart had been filled, and he felt like he was done – done trying to find a partner, a soul mate. He was almost certain he’d found it in Calum.

“Shit,” Michael sighed. “This fucks everything up, you know that right?”

Luke frowned, taking a seat on Michael’s unmade bed again. “How? It hasn’t changed anything.”

“It used to be the four of us – me, you, Cal and Ash. Sure, you and Cal made eyes at each other, but it was just four dudes, hanging out. Now half of us is dating and it’s weird for me and Ash.”

“Well,” Luke countered. “You could just date Ash?”

Michael snorted, slapping his knee. “Are you kidding me? Date _Ashton_? I don’t think so.”

“Hey! Why not?” Luke demanded, offended on behalf of his friend. “Ashton is fantastic.”

“He’s also bi,” Michael pointed out. “And every bi guy I’ve dated has ended up with a woman, and my ego can’t take another hit.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Ashton has never really dated a woman, Mikey. Plus, it’d be like it is with me and Cal. You two know each other.”

“Why are we talking about this?” Michael demanded. “Like, Ashton and me don’t compute, it’s a non-issue. Plus, he never comes out of that recording studio. I bet his skin has gone see-through white because he’s been deprived of sunlight.”

“What, like yours?” Luke teased.

Michael flipped him off.

“So, believe it or not, I have a purpose to being here today.”

“Oh?” Michael questioned. “Why does this make me feel like you’re going to ask me for a favour?”

“Probably because I’m going to ask you for a favour,” Luke confirmed, a hopeful smile on his face.

Michael grunted. “What is it?”

“Come and do a speech for my year eight class? We’re doing a creative writing unit and exploring all mediums. Everyone was really excited to talk about your graphic novels.”

Michael’s chest puffed out in pride, and it was almost comical to see, considering his hair was probably five days short of needing to be washed and he wasn’t wearing pants, only boxers. He probably wasn’t the definition of _successful writer, artist and publisher_ that he’d been coined as a few years earlier, but Luke knew just how talented Michael was.

“How long of a speech? I don’t want to put effort into something for those little dweeb s to talk the whole time.”

Luke grinned. “Just a quick ten minute speech, maybe a Q & A? Anything to get them excited about the paper they need to do for assessment.”

“You know, instead of relying on me and my talent, you could do your job and _make_ the exam fun yourself.”

Luke knew that asking Michael for a favour meant he’d have to endure bullshit like this. Michael almost always never meant it, but it was the price to pay, and Luke would happily take it.

“Hey, I can always go to the graphic arts department at Macquarie and get them to do an amazing slide show or something infinitely cooler than what you’d come up with.”

Michael scoffed, his eyebrows knitting together. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just completely insult me _in my own home_ , and I’m going to say _yes_ to your stupid favour because you haven’t seen anything better than a ten minute speech written by yours truly.”

Luke smiled. He loved that he knew Michael well enough to know when insults would work in his favour. A lot of the time Michael was very cagey when it came to subtle – or _not_ so subtle – digs at his job, and it had taken Luke a while to figure out just when he could play the insult card. But it worked a treat, and Luke could mentally cross that job off his list.

“And another favour.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he sighed, as if Luke’s demands came with the weight of the world.

“If you’re as supportive of me and Calum as I hope you are, then you’re going to want to help.”

Michael sighed. “What?”

“It’s our two month anniversary in two weeks,” Luke smiled, feeling the bubble of excitement simmer in his stomach. It was impossible not to feel elated at just the thought of the other man.

“So?”

“So I’m cooking,” Luke explained.

The idea was alarming – Luke wasn’t all that competent in the kitchen. It wasn’t that he was _bad_ , it was just that he was forgetful. He could remember moving out for the first time and sharing a small apartment with Ashton for six months.

He’d been so proud of himself for moving out at nineteen, giving him the independence he’d craved. It didn’t necessarily matter if he only made it half a year before realizing he didn’t have the financial means to survive. He’d crawled back to his parents and had been relieved when they took him back.

But his first attempt at being _adult_ had been when he’d invited his parents over for dinner. Ashton had made lasagne and Luke had insisted on taking care of the garlic bread. It was needless to say that Luke was too excited showing his parents his tiny bedroom to remember the garlic bread burning in the oven.

He’d set off the smoke alarms and ruined the lasagne that only ended up tasting like burnt. They’d ended up ordering pizza and eating on the front porch to avoid the stench of the apartment.

“Are you sure that’s wise?”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Yes, jackass,” he demanded. “I’m following a recipe and I’m going to make tacos. But what I need from _you_ , is the recipe to make those marshmallow smore type of thing you made when we were in high school. You know, the chocolate and marshmallow between the Tim Tams?”

“There’s no _recipe_ to the Famous Michael Clifford Tim Tam Delight,” Michael scoffed. “Even if there was, I wouldn’t give it to you. That creation will die with me.”

Luke sighed. “Oh come on. Calum loves them and I wanted to do something special. Pleeeease?”

Michael made a face, letting out an exasperated sigh. “What do I get out of this if I agree?”

Luke frowned. “I’m not blowing you, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Michael scoffed. “Look, Hemmings. You may have managed to land Calum, but I’m on a whole other level. I wouldn’t let you suck me off, even if you begged.”

Luke held back a quick retort, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. “I’ll make a double batch and you can have half.”

Michael considered his offer. “Fine. But keep up, I’m only going to say this twice.”

Luke dove for a pen and a piece of paper as Michael started rattling off the ingredients.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO EXCITED!
> 
> Okay, so I know I said I was hesitant to post this, but you guys have made me excited to share it with you! Which is probably why I'm posting another chapter just a day after the last one! I feel like this is starting sort of slow, but I love the romance of these two!
> 
> Please keep leaving comments! They are seriously so great and I love them all!
> 
> Special thanks to rejectclifford (my favourite little Tumblr weirdo - I say it with love!), dreamforlife, ishallsinkwithmyships and calum_xxx_hood! Thank you to everyone who read/commented/subscribed!
> 
> Also, come find me on Tumblr!


	3. Chapter 3

Luke chewed on his lip ring, his attention focused on the recipe in front of him. He knew it would’ve been smarter to buy a taco kit from Coles, than to attempt to make them himself. He’d bought the tortillas – he wasn’t delusional enough to think he could make _them_ himself – but he had found himself in the spice aisle, picking up little jars of different coloured spices he’d never heard of before.

He wanted dinner to be _special_ , he wanted to show Calum just how much he was loved, and Luke thought that by cooking a lovely meal, it would at least be the prologue of how he wanted the evening to go.

But now, standing at the kitchen counter overlooking the twenty ingredients that would be going into the mince mixture, he was starting to think he’d bitten off more than he could chew. The words on the recipe seemed to get more difficult the more he read them, and he was starting to doubt his abilities completely.

Calum was due to arrive in an hour, and Luke had hoped to have the cooking done and at least manage to vacuum the living room before then, but it was looking less and less likely the longer Luke stood immobile at the bench.

“Alright,” he mumbled softly, picking up the recipe and read through the first step. “Brown the mince,” he read out loud, plugging in the frying pan and turning the heat up.

He managed to find his groove after spilling maybe a little _too_ much chilli powder, but by the time the mince was cooking and the sauce was slowly reducing, it tasted like heaven.

He was proud, feeling like for the first time that he could use his Instagram to post a photo of the upcoming meal, but he knew Michael wouldn’t let him live it down. He did snap a quick picture though to keep on his camera roll – it was a night he wouldn’t want to forget.

He was halfway into vacuuming the rug in the living room when his phone rang, and he almost missed it by the time he heard it over the loud noise of the vacuum, smiling as he picked up the device to see a picture of his big brother staring back at him.

 “Big Ben,” he answered fondly, using his foot to turn the vacuum off.

Luke had so many amazing memories linked to Ben from his childhood. Even though he’d always been compared to Jack – both in looks and laid back demeanour – he’d been closer to Ben. Despite the seven year gap, Luke had clear memories of piggy backs on Ben’s shoulders, or playing with plastic army men in the backyard.

Ben had stuck up for him whenever Jack would lash out – typical middle child, his mother always said – and was first to help Luke with his homework. When Ben moved out and met Sarah, Luke was the first person he told when he’d decided to propose, and the best man at their wedding.

To say Luke and Ben were close was an understatement.

“Hey Lukey,” Ben responded. “You busy?”

Luke looked around the living room, and deemed it presentable enough before sitting down on the couch. “Nope. What’s up?”

Ben let out a sigh. “It’s happening, Luke.”

Luke frowned. “What’s happening?”

“Sarah went into labour.”

Luke’s jaw fell open, and although he’d been expecting this phone call – for eight and a half months now – it still felt like a shock to hear the words. He didn’t respond for a long moment, unsure _how_ to.

“Luke? You there?”

“Yeah!” Luke said quickly, loudly. “Shit, Ben. Are you serious?”

Ben laughed softly, his voice muffled momentarily. “Yeah, Lukey. Her water broke this morning, and we’ve been at the hospital for an hour. I’m…I don’t _know_ , Luke.”

Luke could identify the fear in his voice. He’d spent his childhood listening to Ben’s secrets, not quite understanding at seven years old what it really _meant_ to kiss a girl for the first time, or what Ben meant when he divulged vague details of his _first time_ when Luke was twelve. He knew every lilt, dip and octave change of his voice.

And he could hear just how scared his big brother was.

“We’ve talked about this,” Luke said softly. “You got this far, right? Her water broke?”

“It was so gross,” Ben admitted breathlessly, a soft laugh falling from his lips. “She was making toast and it just…yeah. We both panicked and ended up laughing our asses off.”

Luke smiled. “How is she? Have the contractions started?”

“Yeah,” Ben confirmed. “They’re about eleven minutes apart, and she’s doing amazing, Lukey. Seriously, I have no idea how she’s doing it. Every eleven minutes she stops talking to me and the numbers on the machine start to climb and she just…breathes. She breathes and holds my hand and I’m the luckiest man on the planet.”

Luke’s thoughts went to Calum. It was hard to keep his thoughts straight when Ben spoke of his love for Sarah, it only reminded Luke of the same love that was developing between him and Calum.

“I can do this, right? Be there for her and keep it together?”

“Course you can,” Luke insisted softly. “You’re going to do great, remember? Just be there for her and hold her hand and stay calm. And call me anytime you need to talk.”

Ben let out a slow breath. “Shit, isn’t your anniversary dinner tonight?”

“Yeah,” Luke smiled, getting up off the couch to check on dinner, giving the mince a slow stir. “He should be here any minute.”

“I’ll let you go,” Ben insisted. “Let you get back to it.”

“No,” Luke said quickly, a smile on his face. “If you need me, we can talk. Cal won’t mind.”

“Yeah,” Ben said slowly. “But still.”

“Ben,” Luke laughed softly. “You’re having a _baby,_ Calum isn’t going to mind if you need to talk.”

“But what if I need you here?”

Luke smiled. “Then I’m there. Do you want me to come?”

“No,” Ben said quickly. “I mean, not yet. I’ll keep you updated.”

Luke looked up as a knock sounded at the door. He smiled, padding towards the front door, phone wedged between his shoulder and ear. “Have you spoken to mum?”

Ben sighed. “Am I bad son if I say no?”

Luke laughed, opening the door to see Calum. He mouthed a quick _hi_ , and beckoned him inside. “You probably should,” Luke advised. “You know she’ll use this against you for the rest of your life.”

Calum stepped inside, pressing a kiss to Luke’s cheek and gave his behind a gentle squeeze.

Luke smirked at him, shutting the front door. “You feeling better?” he asked into the phone.

Ben sighed. “Yeah. Thanks, Lukey. I’ll keep you updated.”

Luke smiled. “Okay, call me anytime, okay? I love you, Big Ben.”

They hung up and Luke followed Calum into the kitchen, catching him as he tasted the mince in the frying pan.

“Hey!” he called, coming up behind the other man and wrapped an arm around his waist. “That’s your dinner, mister.”

“Mhm,” Calum mumbled, sucking some sauce off his fingers. “And what did I do to deserve this?”

Luke hooked his chin over Calum’s shoulder, dragging his lips over his neck. “You’ve put up with me for two months,” he said softly. “That means I make you tacos and tell you how much I love you.”

Calum laughed softly, turning in Luke’s arms to press a kiss to his lips. “So two months is tacos,” he mumbled against his mouth. “What’s three months?”

“Oh, three months,” Luke grinned. “That’s even better. Burritos.”

Calum laughed, his hands settling on Luke’s hips to pull him in. “Four months?”

Luke kissed his jaw. “Four months is marriage,” he teased.

Calum raised his eyebrows, considering the option. “With the way we’re going, that might not be unrealistic.”

Luke felt his cheeks blush warmly, and he hid his face in Calum’s neck. “I love you, Cal.”

Calum kissed over his shoulder, his arms sliding tightly around his waist. “I love you too,” he mumbled. “Everything okay with Ben?”

Luke nodded. “Sarah went into labour this morning.”

“No shit,” Calum mumbled. “Wow, is he freaking out?”

“A little,” Luke nodded, pulling back to press a quick kiss to Calum’s lips. “But he’ll be fine. Just the jitters.”

“And how’s Uncle Luke?” Calum teased softly. “Excited?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Luke nodded. “More nervous, though. I just hope everything goes well and Sarah’s okay, and the baby is healthy.”

“We could go up to the hospital, if you want?”

Luke scoffed. “And waste the amazing meal I have planned for you?”

Calum kissed over his cheek to his earlobe and nibbled gently. “You know you didn’t have to cook for me, right? I would’ve been happy with take out.”

“Now you tell me,” Luke teased softly. “And anyway, I wanted to. It’s just tacos, and maybe a few of Michael’s Tim Tam Delights.”

Calum gasped. “No shit! He gave you the recipe?”

“He did,” Luke confirmed. “He’s not as heartless as I once thought. He might actually be our biggest supporter.”

Calum smiled, cupping Luke’s stubbled jaw. “I’m a very lucky guy,” he mumbled. “And hey, how special would it be if your niece or nephew is born on our anniversary, hm?”

The idea made Luke grin widely, wondering if it was some sort of sign if he became an uncle the night that he was celebrating two months with Calum. It seemed to fit, like it was a cosmic sign that he’d picked the right guy.

“How about this goes so well he or she calls _you_ uncle someday?” Luke whispered softly, resting his forehead against Calum’s.

“Or maybe someday we’ll welcome so-“

Luke pressed his fingertips to Calum’s lips, stopping the words short. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hear them – maybe he wanted to hear them _too_ much. He knew that even though he felt like he’d found The One, the idea of entertaining children in their future felt too premature.

“Sorry,” Calum mumbled against his fingers.

“No,” Luke said quickly, moving his fingers. “I…want that, Cal. But we’re so new and I…God, you know how much I want kids,” he whispered.

“I know,” Calum confirmed, nodding. “And I wasn’t sure I did, until you. But this whole thing between us is so great, Luke. It’s easy to imagine the future, and I want what you want.”

Luke leant in and kissed him, knowing that there was nothing he could say to describe how he felt. How committed he felt to Calum, and how humbled to feel the same commitment coming back at him.

“Luke,” Calum mumbled, kissing over his lips and down his jaw gently. “I love you so much.”

Luke laughed gently, pulling away. “We’re so stupid for each other, aren’t we?”

Calum grinned. “In the best way, I think.”

Luke pressed another quick kiss to his lips. “You ready for tacos?”

**

Luke’s head was on Calum’s chest when his phone rang, and he was tempted to let it go as Calum reached for it from their spot on the couch.

After an incredible dinner and dessert, they’d ended up on the couch in a Fifa competition that quickly gave way to lazy making out on the couch, and now Luke just wanted to curl up and fall asleep with Calum.

But his phone wasn’t letting that happen, and Luke grunted as Calum picked it up.

“Ben,” he said simply, handing the device over.

Luke’s stomach dropped, looking at the time. It was almost ten, and he’d almost forgotten the phone call he’d shared with his brother earlier in the evening, and he felt guilty for a tiny second before he answered.

“Ben?”

“Lukey.”

Luke could immediately identify the panic in his voice. The high-pitched, desperate sound Luke had only heard a few times in his life.

“Can you come?” Ben asked quickly. “I know it’s late, and if you can’t, that’s okay and I’m sorry about your date, but they gave her the epidural and she has to start pushing and I can’t _do_ this, Luke.”

Luke bit down on his lip ring, sitting up in the space between Calum’s thighs. “I can come,” he confirmed, sending an apologetic look at Calum, who smiled reassuringly. “Are you alright? How’s Sarah?”

“She’s tired,” Ben sighed. “Kind of emotional and in a lot of pain. I just…I don’t want to fuck this up for her.”

Luke got up off the couch, stuffing his wallet into his back pocket before pulling his shoes on. “Just deep breaths, okay? You’re going to be fine, and you won’t stuff it up.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to be a dad, Luke.”

Luke stopped. “No one is ever ready,” he said softly. “There’s never a perfect moment to have kids, Ben, but when they happen you make the most of it and you make it work, and you’ll be fine. You’re ready and you’re going to be the best dad in the world.”

Ben sighed shakily. “You’re coming, right?”

“Yeah,” Luke nodded. “I promise, I’m about to walk out the door.”

“Okay, thanks,” Ben sighed. “I’ll see you soon?”

Luke promised him he would before they hung up, and he turned to see Calum tidying up their dishes.

“I’m sorry.”

Calum smiled. “For?”

“Bailing on our night,” Luke explained, sliding his phone into his pocket.

“You think I’m letting you go alone?” Calum asked. “I want to meet this baby.”

Luke smiled, letting out a tired sigh. “What if I can’t be there for him? I’m nervous.”

Calum smiled, and pulled Luke into his arms. “You’ll be great. You just have to keep calm and remember Ben is a million times more nervous than you are.”

Luke pressed his lips to Calum’s jaw, brushing a gentle kiss over his skin. “Two months, Cal.”

Calum laughed softly, his hands moving slowly over Luke’s back. “Only two months and we’re going to welcome a baby.”

Luke laughed, feeling his anxiety ebb away. “Can’t believe it,” he mumbled. “You better get up to her during the night.”

“Her?”

Luke shrugged. “Just a feeling.”

He was happy to stay there in the moment, his eyes shut and face turned into Calum’s neck and listening to his steady heartbeat. There was a part of his brain that told him that they shouldn’t be this comfortable two months in.

Things should still be new and scary, but for some reason, Luke just wasn’t scared. Calum had been in his life for the better part of fifteen years, and it felt like he was meant to be there for the rest of their lives.

The moment was broken as Luke’s phone vibrated in his pocket, and he was hesitant to leave the embrace but managed to ease the device out of the tight denim.

“Ben,” he mumbled, pulling back from Calum to read the test.

_R u on ur way?_

“We should go,” Calum mumbled, squeezing Luke’s hip.

Luke bit down on his lip ring as he unlocked his phone and opened the messages tab. The short message from his brother reignited the anxiety in his chest, and he quickly tapped out a reply.

_Leaving now. Deep breaths, Big Ben._

Luke pressed his phone back into his pocket, sucking in a breath before letting it go slowly.

This was it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy the latest chapter! Everything is starting to get a little more interesting between Calum and Luke, and the impending arrival of Baby Hemmings!
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading, it's so rewarding! Special thanks to rejectclifford, rocketmail and calum_xxx_hood for their comments! 
> 
> I encourage everyone to comment, it's super therapeutic! 
> 
> xoxo


	4. Chapter 4

“Ben?”

Luke’s heart was in his throat as his eyes settled on his brother. Ben’s shoulders were hunched, leaning up against a closed door in a silent hallway. He looked sick; curling in on himself as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders, and Luke figured that the analogy seemed fairly accurate.

Ben looked up quickly at the sound of Luke’s voice and pushed himself off the door to meet him in the hall, dragging him into a rough hug, his hands curled into tight fists on Luke’s back.

“I can’t,” he whispered into Luke’s shoulder. “I can’t, and she needs me and her mum is just looking at me like I’m already a shitty father and her epidural is wearing off and I _can’t_ , Luke.”

Luke always thought it was weird that by the time he was fifteen, he was already taller and broader than Ben. He’d followed in Jack’s footsteps and did most of his growing over a steady two year period, towering over their mother, and always using Ben’s head as an arm rest.

It was the only thing that Jack and Luke had in common – mercilessly mocking their older brother. Luke had never meant it with the intention Jack had, but being bigger made Luke _feel_ better, sometimes. When Ben would ask for advice despite the seven year age gap, he felt _important_ , and he realized quickly at fifteen what it meant to be needed by someone.

But despite the feelings, Luke often felt out of his depth whenever Ben came to him with an issue and this time was probably the biggest _fish out of water_ scenario Luke could’ve ever imagined.

“You’ll be okay,” he mumbled, curling his fingers in Ben’s hoodie, tugging him closer. “You know how to be a good husband, Ben. The good dad stuff will come when the baby is born. You hold her hand and count through the contractions and you don’t make a face when stuff gets gross. You are the anchor, and she is the boat tied to you.”

Ben snorted into his neck, sniffing loudly. “You’re such a fucking English teacher,” he grumbled.

Luke grinned, a few long strands of Ben’s hair tickling his nose. “I have plenty more analogies if the boat one doesn’t work,” he offered softly. “You’re the doorway in a tornado, you’re the string to the kite, you’re the ground to the skydiver. Uhh…”

Ben laughed again and let him go, cupping his cheek gently and giving a soft squeeze. “Thanks.”

Luke grinned. “Anytime.”

Ben looked around Luke at Calum and smiled. “Sorry for ruining your anniversary dinner,” he apologized ruefully.

Calum grinned and stepped towards them, his hand resting on the small of Luke’s back. “Don’t worry about it,” he insisted easily. “We’d eaten and I’d kicked is ass at Fifa by the time you text.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “I _let_ you win, because that’s the nice thing to do. Especially when _someone_ is so incredibly competitive.”

“I’m not competitive,” Calum insisted. “I’m just better than you. Literally.”

“You can _literally_ kiss my ass,” Luke griped, a grin on his face.

Calum laughed, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “You wish.”

Luke’s cheeks flushed bright red as Ben’s laughter joined Calum’s, and his eyes looked down to the floor.

The three of them looked up as a door opened, and Luke identified Sarah’s mum, and he raised his hand in a wave.

“Hi sweetie,” she greeted softly. “Ben, Sarah is asking for you.”

The smile slipped from Ben’s face and Luke watched as his shoulders tensed once more.

Luke reached out and settled his hands on Ben’s shoulder, gripping tightly. “You can do this,” he reminded him softly. “Hold her hand, count the contractions and don’t look at the end of the bed if you think you’ll pass out. She needs you conscious.”

Ben managed a weak smile and nodded his head, sucking in a deep breath. He exhaled slowly, his eyes meeting Luke’s before nodding his head once more, and turning back towards the birthing suite.

**

“Would you stop fucking wiggling around?” Calum griped.

Luke bit at his lip ring apologetically, tucking his head underneath Calum’s chin as best he could from where they were sandwiched together on a tiny two-seater couch that was clearly made for people shorter than 5 feet.

Luke’s ass was numb and his neck was sore, and he was certain they’d been on the tiny couch for at least three days, but when he checked his phone he saw it was only slowly creeping towards midnight. Ben had disappeared almost two hours ago, and as much as Luke was _dying_ to burst into the suite to find out what was going on, he had to reign in his curiosity and try to distract himself.

Calum had helped, drawing slow figure eights on his side, just up under his t-shirt over his right hip, and it had definitely been a distraction, but not one that was all that hospital appropriate. He’d had to grip Calum’s fingers in his palm to stop him, nosing at his throat and dragging his lips over his skin to get the point across.

Calum had cleared his throat and just rested his palm against Luke’s back instead.

But that had been an hour or so ago, and Luke was just tired and uncomfortable now, trying to curl up next to Calum but the task was almost impossible. There was no way all six-foot-four-inches of him was ever going to be able to curl up how he wanted to, and he gave up trying with a dejected sigh.

“My ass hurts,” Luke groaned softly, his voice quiet as a midwife passed them in the otherwise silent hall.

Calum smirked. “Not even for a good reason, either.”

Luke poked his finger into Calum’s abdomen sharply. “Don’t be vulgar. We’re in a hospital. There are _babies_ being born behind those closed doors.”

Luke had already walked up and down the hall, reading the little whiteboard name plaques on the doors. There were names listed, and a few notes – that’s how Luke learnt that David and Patricia Walker had welcomed baby Sawyer in Suite 3D, and that Carl and Hayley Pierce were in Suite 3G and apparently still waiting on their bundle of joy.

Luke had reread the board on Sarah’s room a few times. The hastily scrawled _Ben & Sarah Hemmings _making his heart kick in his chest. He’d taken a few photos on his phone, just to remember what it was like before his niece or nephew would join the family.

He’d given up on snooping in favour of cuddling with Calum, but now even that was too much. His body ached and he’d never been happier to know that he didn’t have to go to work the next day. He’d have to thank his niece or nephew for being born on the weekend, that was for sure.

He yawned loudly, his eyes drooping shut before he heard the sound of a door open, and he almost fell off the couch as Ben appeared in the open gap next to the board that carried his name.

Luke tripped, managing to catch himself before falling to the floor as he took in his brother’s appearance. He looked exhausted but incredibly happy, and Luke could feel a sudden rush of elation flood through his veins.

“C’mon,” Ben called softly, waving him forward. “You too, Cal.”

Luke looked back at his boyfriend and took his hand, taking the few steps towards the suite, and followed Ben inside.

He stepped past two midwives, keeping his eyes away from the end of the bed where Sarah lay, and instead focused on the tiny, pink baby on her chest, tucked under the neck of her hospital gown.

“Uncle Lukey,” she greeted tiredly, her hand resting comfortingly on the newborn baby’s back.

“Hi,” he whispered, letting go of Calum’s hand momentarily as Sarah’s mother pressed a kiss to his cheek. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Sarah smiled, looking up at Ben.

Ben took his spot at her side, leaning down to kiss his baby. “This is Ruby Kate,” he murmured softly. “Your niece.”

Luke didn’t even try to stop the tears. They were falling down his cheeks before he even noticed, taking a few tentative steps towards the bed, and looking at the baby – his _niece –_ and let out a breath.

“Come say hi,” Sarah insisted, tugging her gown down a little to reveal more of Ruby.

She had a white knit beanie on her head, and her eyes were open and looking around. She seemed so impossibly tiny, and Luke wanted to reach out and touch her.

“You can,” Ben told him softly, noticing his hand hovering in mid-air.

“You sure?” Luke asked softly, biting at his lip ring.

Sarah reached out for his hand and guided it forward, moving hers so Luke could lay his palm against the baby’s back.

Ruby let out a soft sound, and Luke bit at his lip again.

“Oh, is my hand too cold?” he cooed softly. He ran his fingertips over her soft skin. “God, she’s so perfect.”

He could vaguely hear Sarah talking to Calum, and Luke felt guilty for ignoring Calum in favour of fawning over the baby, but he knew the other man well enough to know he’d understand. Luke just wasn’t able to look away from Ruby, at her dark grey eyes as she seemed to stare right at him.

“Lukey.”

He looked up at Ben, who had tears brimming his eyes, and Luke let out a soft laugh of disbelief. “You’re a _dad_.”

Ben mirrored the laugh. “I know. You’re an _uncle_. And a _godfather_.”

Luke felt the weight of the world rest on his shoulders all of a sudden, and it had never felt more _right_. He had a connection to this baby, after only being in her presence for a few minutes. He knew in that moment, he’d be the best uncle and godparent that he could be.

“When was she born?” Calum queried.

“She’s almost an hour old,” Sarah smiled. “She was such a good girl, didn’t give me too much trouble.”

Luke leant in close to kiss Sarah’s cheek. “Congratulations.”

She smiled. “Thanks, Lukey. I don’t think it’s quite sunk in, yet.”

“Do you want to hold her?”

Luke looked over at Ben in disbelief, looking back down at Sarah. “Oh, no, that’s…that’s okay,” he mumbled. “Maybe Anne would like to?” he offered, looking over his shoulder at Sarah’s mum.

Ben smiled, reaching out to touch the hand Luke still had on Ruby’s bare back. “We talked about it, Lukey. We want you to have the first cuddle.”

Luke was fairly certain he was expending his entire lifetime’s worth of tears, all in a ten minute window. The moment felt too surreal, like he was in a bubble where somehow the birth of his niece was about him, and not about her amazing parents.

“We’ll wrap her up,” the midwife offered, and all of a sudden Ruby was being lifted from Sarah’s chest, and she let out the most heartbreaking sound.

“Oh,” Sarah mumbled, pressing her fingertips to her bottom lip. “That hurt more than I thought it would.”

Luke stepped out of the way as the midwife quickly put a nappy on Ruby and wrapped her up tightly, and handed her to Ben.

He took her carefully, his eyes wide with fear, and Luke immediately pulled his phone out of his pocket to take a picture.

“First cuddle with dad,” he smiled, snapping more than a few pictures. “One for the photo album.”

Ben laughed softly, leaning down to kiss Ruby’s cheek as she settled and stared up at him. “You look so much like your mum,” he mumbled. “Good thing, that is.”

Sarah laughed softly. “You say that, but I see so much of Luke in her.”

“Me?” Luke asked, raising his eyebrows as he felt Calum’s hand ghost across his lower back.

“Definitely,” Sarah nodded. “She’s got your cute little nose.”

Luke wrinkled said nose. “It’s not _cute_.”

“It so is, babe,” Calum interjected, and everyone laughed.

“C’mon, here,” Ben insisted softly, walking towards Luke. “You ready?”

Luke wasn’t sure if he was, passing his phone off to Calum before looking down at the baby. “She’s so tiny.”

Ben nodded. “What was she, 3.2 kilos?”

“Yeah, just over seven pounds. And a whopping twenty-three inches long. She’s going to be taller than all of us.”

“Which means she’ll be shorter than Luke,” Calum offered.

Luke was silent, looking at Ruby and unsure how to pick her up.

“Arm under her head, hand under her bum,” Ben told him softly.

Luke’s blue eyes flickered up to his, and he smiled nervously. “Why me? Why am I first?”

Ben passed Ruby over easily into Luke’s capable hands. “Because you’re my best friend, and you’ll be her best friend,” he explained simply, quietly. “Because you’re the most important person in my life, Lukey.”

Luke sniffed, curling his arms safely around Ruby, looking down at her as she stared up at him. “Hi,” he whispered softly.

He couldn’t believe how alert she was, her eyes open wide and taking everything in. She was tightly wrapped and warm, and he wanted to sing to her and promise he’d always be there for her. He settled with pressing a kiss to her cheek, nuzzling her blanket gently.

“She’s beautiful,” Calum mumbled, stepping close.

Luke looked up, letting out a soft, damp laugh. “Isn’t she?” he whispered. “She’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen.”

Calum adjusted her beanie, his hand on Luke’s hip. “Aren’t you just a natural, hm?”

Luke smiled proudly, looking over at him. “You should kiss me.”

“Yeah?” Calum grinned. “Why’s that?”

“Because,” Luke stressed softly. “This is one of the most important moments of my life, and I want to look back on it and remember you kissing me.”

“Wow,” Calum breathed. “That’s so incredibly _gay_ , Hemmings. I don’t know if I can date such a sap.”

Luke laughed. “Oh shut up. Just give me a damn kiss.”

“Your uncle is kind of a jerk,” Calum whispered to Ruby softly, but placated Luke with a soft, tender kiss to his lips. “Better?”

“Much,” Luke exhaled softly.

**

“Shit.”

“You okay?” Calum laughed.

Luke smiled, managing to shut the front door to his house after they’d stumbled inside. He yawned, leaning up against Calum in exhaustion, nuzzling his nose into his neck.

“I’m great,” he mumbled.

It was somewhere nearing three am, and as much as Luke had wanted to stay at the hospital and snuggle with Ruby, Sarah had to breastfeed and shower and Ben had kicked them out not long after the midwife announced she’d be around to guide them through Ruby’s first feed.

Luke promised to come back later that morning and let Calum pull him out of the room reluctantly and out to the carpark, listening to Luke chatter excitedly about the baby. But the chatter had faded to silence once they were in the car and on their way back to Luke’s, exhaustion weighing heavily on the new uncle’s mind.

But now that they were home, Luke’s mind was elsewhere, and as Calum pressed his mouth against the juncture of the younger man’s shoulder, Luke knew his mind was, too.

“Is it crazy?” Calum mumbled softly against his skin, dragging his lips up Luke’s throat. “To want you after seeing Ruby?”

“Not crazy,” Luke whispered softly, his fingers threading through Calum’s hair.

“I love you,” Calum whispered.

Luke smiled, his eyes closed as he dragged his nails over the other man’s scalp. “Love me, Cal?”

Calum’s arms slid around Luke’s waist, keeping him close. “I do,” he promised softly, kissing down over Luke’s jaw.

“No,” Luke mumbled softly. “Want you to love me.”

Calum let out a soft sound, his hands sneaking up under the hem of Luke’s shirt. “Jesus, Luke.”

Luke’s mouth pressed against his throat, dragging Calum blindly through the living room. “I want to,” he whispered.

Calum swallowed, hands moving further up Luke’s back. “Yeah,” he confirmed, nodding gently. “ _Yeah_ , Luke.”

Luke whimpered softly at the sound of Calum’s voice; low and rough and unlike anything he’d heard before.

They were clumsy as they navigated their way past the couch and down the short hallway to Luke’s room, stumbling inside and trying not to fall.

Luke’s breath left his body as Calum pushed him up against his dresser, their mouths meeting in a messy kiss. His hands curled into the fabric of Calum’s shirt, tugging at it, wanting to tear the buttons off to get his shirt open.

Calum’s hands were everywhere; skating down his sides and over his thighs before reaching around to grab at Luke’s ass, squeezing as he guided one leg up and over his hip, grinding forward slowly.

“Shit,” Luke panted, his mouth against Calum’s neck. “Shit, Cal.”

Calum groaned, hands quickly unbuttoning Luke’s black shirt, shoving it off his broad shoulders. “God, you’re so beautiful.”

Luke could feel his skin flush red, his hands resting on Calum’s shoulders as he tried to clear his head, but found that the hazier things got, the less likely he wanted to come out from underneath it.

Calum unbuttoned his own shirt, taking it off quickly before tugging Luke away from the dresser and walked him over to the bed, pushing him down gently.

Luke’s stomach bottomed out, and he was momentarily scared. He knew the emotion of the new baby had them all caught up, and he also knew he didn’t plan to have sex with Calum just yet. But there was something about it; the chemistry and the feelings of want between them that had him overlooking it.

He didn’t want to rush things, didn’t want to take things too far that it would ruin their friendship. But Calum was whispering promises into his skin, fingertips burning hot over his hips, and Luke knew there was nothing rushed about this.

Two months had felt like two decades, and Luke knew he was settled now. Settled with Calum and whatever future that might bring. There was no sense in holding out because Luke had already planned to spend whatever time he had left on earth with Calum.

That realization was probably scarier than the knowledge that they were going to have sex. He shouldn’t be this comfortable two months in. He never had been before, in previous relationships. The longest he’d ever been with someone had been a year, and it had taken him a long time to open up. He’d been a closed book, but with Calum it was opposite. He already knew the good and the bad things Luke had been through, and loved him despite it.

“Are you okay?” Calum asked breathlessly, pausing for a quick moment.

“Yes,” Luke whispered, reaching up to card his fingers through Calum’s hair. “I just…you’re with me, right? The same page?”

Calum smiled in the darkness, and kissed Luke softly. “Is your page scaring you?” he asked softly. “Just a little?”

“Kinda,” Luke nodded. “What does your page say?”

Calum smiled, easing his weight down on top of Luke gently. “Pretty sure there’s a big picture of us in ten years,” he started softly, finger tracing a shape on Luke’s side. “Then there’s something about us living together and being generally in love until we die.”

Luke blushed, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment. “Is that completely crazy? It’s been _two months_.”

“I know,” Calum murmured. “But we’ve known each other for fifteen years. Pretty sure I’ve been in love with you since we were ten.”

“You never told me,” Luke mumbled.

“Kinda hard to say something like that. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what it all meant until we were teenagers, and then it was about being scared that you were straight and wouldn’t feel the same.”

“What about after I came out to you when we were seventeen? You just said ‘me too’ and that was it. It kind of crushed me.”

Calum ran his finger along Luke’s jaw and sighed. “I was scared. God, it took liquid courage just to kiss you three months ago.”

Luke smiled. “So it’s okay we’re stupidly in love after two official months?”

“Yeah,” Calum nodded. “Because we’ve been unofficially in love for years.”

Luke felt a shiver pass through him, and although there was still a tiny bit of fear left, he didn’t want to hold onto it anymore.

“You’re beautiful,” Calum whispered softly. “Seriously, Luke. I’m not worthy.”

Luke lifted his head off the bed to kiss him gently. “You’re worthy,” he promised softly. “God, Cal. You’re it for me.”

At some point soft kisses traded place with soft words, and Luke’s heart was thrumming in his chest as Calum took his clothes off, and they went past awkward fumbling and quick touches to having the older man’s fingers inside of him, and Luke mewling softly.

It wasn’t until Calum was sitting back on his haunches, hands and attention turned to the condom between his fingers that Luke was able to get his breath back. He took in the picture in front of him and wished he could just observe it for the rest of his life, because Calum touching his own dick – teeth closed over his bottom lip and eyes half closed as he rolled the condom on slowly – was something Luke never wanted to forget.

But he was distracted by the nervous drumming of his heartbeat to give the image the proper attention it deserved. His breath was trapped in his lungs and his toes curled over in anxiety and he let his breath go quickly when Calum looked up at him.

“You alright?”

Luke nodded, his eyes all over Calum’s sweaty form from his strong thighs to his tightened abs to his tensed forearms. He was beautiful and perfect, and Luke was suddenly struck with performance anxiety. He wished they’d spent the time to get _under_ the sheets so he could pull them over his exposed body, but all he could settle for was closing his legs modestly.

“I might be bad,” he said quietly, teeth tugging at his lip ring.

“Bad?” Calum questioned.

“At sex,” Luke clarified. “I haven’t slept with anyone in a really long time, and I mean, I haven’t had much experience before that, either. There was Jason, of course. Then a few guys at Uni, but no one special.”

Calum pushed his legs apart gently, leaning down to silence him with a soft kiss. “Shut up, Luke.”

Luke frowned. “Hey,” he mumbled against Calum’s mouth. “Pretty sure telling me to shut up isn’t nice when you’re expecting sex.”

Calum huffed out a soft laugh, breaking the kiss. “I just mean _shut up_ about not being good enough. I’m not a fucking sex expert myself.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Maybe not, but you’re more experienced.”

“Oh am I?” Calum questioned, his eyebrows going up.

“Well, there’s been more guys,” Luke explained, frowning. “Wait, that sounds like I’m calling you a whore or something, and I’m not.”

Calum smiled, amusement written on his face. “Luke, I don’t give a shit who you’ve slept with. I don’t care if you’ve had sex a million times. Sex with me will be different to anything else you’ve had. Because we’re in love. Okay?”

Luke nibbled at his lip ring and he let out a soft sigh. “So if I’m bad, you won’t laugh?”

“You _won’t_ be bad,” Calum eased softly, sliding his fingertips over Luke’s cheek. “But I want you to want this, okay? If you’re not sure…”

“No, I am,” Luke said quickly, raising his legs to flatten his feet on the bed, his knees framing Calum’s hips. “I just worry that things are so good that if the sex is bad, it’ll ruin everything.”

“Has the stuff we’ve already done been bad?” Calum questioned.

Luke’s cheeks burned hot. He could vividly remembering the desperate grinding on his couch that had turned to embarrassing messes in their skinny jeans, the rushed handjobs they exchanged in the bathroom at the last executive party Ashton invited them to. They had passion, that was undeniable, it was just in Luke’s nature to worry.

“Calum?”

“Yeah?”

Luke smiled, reaching up to push some of his blonde highlights back off his face. “Ruby was born last night.”

He laughed, his eyes crinkling in the corners. “I love you.”

Luke arched his back off the mattress a little, settling comfortably before pulling Calum down, joining their lips in a soft kiss.

It was so easy to push away the anxiety when their lips met, so easy to forget his insecurities and being _good_ in bed and worrying that he wouldn’t live up to Calum’s needs. It was easy to forget the things he didn’t like about himself, because when they were together like this, Luke saw himself from Calum’s perspective.

And the image made him blush and question Calum’s eyesight, but for the most part, he could let it be.

That’s what got him forgetting everything, giving himself over to the pleasure Calum was so willing to bestow on him. He was stuck on a broken moan as Calum pressed his knees to his chest and pressed inside of him, and Luke threw his head back and arched off the mattress, his knees tightening his hold on Calum’s hips.

“Shit,” Calum gasped, hands curled in the sheets as held back from sinking in too fast.

Luke moaned, hands sliding over Calum’s shoulders, digging his nails into his tanned flesh. “Cal,” he groaned softly, his tongue sliding over his bottom lip.

Calum kissed him, with too much teeth but just the right amount of passion. He let out a soft groan as his hips came to a stop, toes curled against the pleasure.

Luke gasped softly, his breaths coming quick and fast and he had to break from the kiss to breathe. He held Calum close, his legs slowly curling loosely around his hips. He dragged his dry lips down Calum’s jaw to his throat, pressing soft kisses against his sweaty skin.

“You’re incredible,” Calum groaned, his eyes shut tightly.

“Yeah?” Luke questioned, shifting his hips slightly.

“Fuck,” Calum moaned. “Stay still, dammit.”

Luke laughed breathlessly, fingers stroking through Calum’s sweaty hair. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” Calum answered. “Just, you’re incredible. This is incredible.”

Luke smiled, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I love you, Cal.”

Calum kissed him gently, letting the moment rest for a quick second before he was moving; short little rocks of his hips that had both of them gasping out.

“Calum,” Luke panted, slinging one arm around his shoulders to keep him close. “God, you feel so good.”

There was a part of Luke that was freaking out. The stupid part of him that was thinking _oh my God you’re having sex with Calum_. It was the teenage Luke who stuck around despite how hard adult Luke tried to forget him. His teenage feelings were close to the surface at the realization of where he was, how his dreams had come true.

But teenage Calum was gone, replaced with a strong, solid man who was currently doing everything he could to illicit moans out of Luke, which he was so happy to give.

“Faster,” Luke whispered, nuzzling his nose against Calum’s throat. “Just a little, Cal. Please.”

Calum’s hand pawed at his hip, leaning down to bite over Luke’s shoulder as he drew out slowly, only to press back inside quickly.

It was what Luke wanted, and his back arched off the bed, his hips meeting Calum’s.

“Shit,” Calum groaned, falling into a rhythm quickly. “Fuck, I love you so much,” he whispered against Luke’s neck.

Luke whimpered, kissing over Calum’s neck. “Cal,” he whispered, his hips moving to meet the older man’s every thrust. “Love you too, so much.”

It was easy to get lost in it; the movements of their hips and the soft kisses exchanged in between _I love you’s_. Luke felt lost in Calum, and he never wanted to be found. Even as the pace sped up slightly, and Calum’s hands were holding him down and thrusting a little quicker to reach that place that made Luke’s body come alive.

The pleasure was almost too much, but he begged for more, his mouth searching out Calum’s as he started to fall apart, the tight knot in his stomach beginning to fray. He whimpered against Calum’s mouth, feeling as though he was coming apart too fast, wanting the feeling to last forever.

He was a hiccupping mess when Calum’s hand found his erection, and all it took was a few sloppy slides of his hand before Luke was coming, raising his head off the mattress to press into Calum’s neck as he moaned the other man’s name, low and throaty.

“Luke,” Calum moaned, unable to hold back his sounds as Luke trembled beneath him, his fingertips vibrating with heightened pleasure, his vision blurry as Calum’s thrusts sped up and he all of a sudden started to fall apart.

He came with a whimper of Luke’s name, thighs tense as his mouth slid along the sweaty skin of Luke’s shoulder.

Luke was aware of the sun peeking in through the window as he came back down to earth, Calum’s solid weight pressing on top of him. His breathing finally evened out, his hands sliding over Calum’s bare back in a made up pattern, a smile stretched across his face.

“Cal?”

Calum grunted, his head tucked in against Luke’s neck.

“S’morning,” Luke mumbled, slowly uncurling his legs from around the other man’s hips. “You have training today?”

Calum groaned, pushing his upper body up off of Luke to frown down at him. “Seriously? We just had great sex and now it’s business as usual?”

Luke rolled his eyes, swatting at Calum playfully. “You’re heavy. And I’m tired. And you’re still inside me,” he pointed out.

Calum grinned, leaning down to kiss Luke gently before he eased out of him.

Luke bit down on his bottom lip at the feel, discreetly watching as Calum removed the condom, tying it off and tried to throw it across the room to the bin next to his dresser. He snorted as it missed by a mile, but he didn’t have the energy in him to care.

“Enjoying the view?”

Luke blushed, his eyes raking over Calum’s naked form unashamedly. “Can you blame me?”

Calum rolled his eyes and collapsed next to Luke, pulling him against his body. “No training today,” he murmured, pressing his nose against the space behind Luke’s ear. “Wait,” he amended. “What day is it?”

Luke smiled, feeling Calum’s warmth blanket him from behind. “It’s Sunday.”

Calum sighed. “Shit. Training at 3,” he mumbled.

Luke laughed, tugging Calum’s arms over his middle. “Well then you better get some sleep. You can sleep in when I go and visit Ruby, if you’d like.”

“No way,” Calum mumbled tiredly. “I need to get a cuddle in with the little lady.”

Luke felt his stomach tense at the idea of Ruby in Calum’s arms, and he let himself fall asleep with the image in his mind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baby fever! What is it about men and babies that is just so amazing? Seriously, you can take any guy and put a little baby in their arms and it's just such a meltdown!
> 
> Thanks to everyone have read/subscribed/commented and left kudos! Please feel free to comment and flail as much as you'd like!
> 
> Special thanks to rejectclifford and bigJ for their comments!
> 
> xoxo


	5. Chapter 5

“You’re different.”

Luke frowned, looking over at Michael. “What the hell are you talking about?”

He’d decided to use his RDO to good use, taking up Michael’s offer of working in tandem in his man cave, which was mostly code for _come over and drink beer and we’ll spin American Idiot until we get hungry and then order pizza._

Which sounded a lot better than working at home in the quiet, especially when Calum was at training and he really couldn’t show up at the hospital _again_. Sarah and Ben were due to go home later in the day, and he had to refrain from pushing himself on them. It wasn’t his fault that he was addicted to Ruby, having had seen her every day since she’d arrived four days ago.

“You’re all glowy and shit.”

Luke rolled his eyes, setting down his red pen and stretched his back, shifting the pile of exams he’d been marking to the side.

“Is it the whole baby thing?” Michael enquired. “Because she’s cute, obviously, but babies are…well, they’re like tiny old people.”

Luke shook his head, picking up another exam. “I’m not _glowy_ ,” he insisted.

Michael smirked. “So it must be a Calum thing.”

Luke felt his cheeks heat up, and he knew he was in for some merciless teasing. It was just how Michael operated.

“What’s loverboy done now?” Michael sing-songed. “Wrote you a poem? Bought you a diamond ring?”

“Oh please,” Luke snorted. “We’re not like that.”

“Ohh, are you getting laid now? Is that what it is?”

Luke flung his red pen across the room at his friend, watching as it bounced off Michael’s shoulder.

The other man laughed, tossing the pen back. “God Hemmings, I can read you like a book. Of course you’re getting some.”

“Would you just shut up?” Luke pleaded, picking up his pen from the carpet. “It’s none of your business what’s going on between Calum and I.”

“You so got fucked.”

Luke groaned, pressing his eyes shut. “Will you shut up? You’re so fucking vulgar.”

Michael smirked in great achievement, raising his eyebrows. “Hey, it’s great you’re taking things to the next level. It was good, right?”

Luke narrowed his eyes at Michael, unsure how much trust he could put in his friend. Michael was one of Luke’s closest friends, but sometimes, Michael loved to troll him more than support him. It was hard to decipher which mood he was in, and Luke had to take the chance.

“Yeah, it’s good,” he mumbled softly, opening the page of the next exam on his pile.

“C’mon, it’s more than good,” Michael pressed. “He looks like he’d be good in bed.”

“He is,” Luke insisted softly. “He’s incredible, everything is incredible.”

Things had been even better after taking the next step with Calum. They’d been somewhat insatiable, unable to keep their hands off one another. It was new and exciting and if it was possible, it had bought them closer together.

“You know, I’m not a total asshole,” Michael pointed out. “I’m really happy you two are together. I just like giving you shit.”

“I know,” Luke mumbled. “This is just really important to me, you know? Having him and knowing that he’s it for me. Taking these steps with him is scary.”

“You’re not getting cold feet, are you?” Michael questioned. “Because if you fuck this up for him, I will kill you.”

“I’m not getting cold feet,” Luke sighed. “I’m moving past that and sleeping with him helped. We talked, and we’re on the same page.”

“I want you to be happy. Both of you.”

“I am,” Luke nodded. “I’m really happy, and I feel really lucky.”

“And he’s great in the sack?” Michael pressed.

Luke laughed softly. “Yeah, he’s amazing. I mean, I hadn’t in a long time before him.”

“Yeah,” Michael rolled his eyes. “It’s not for lack of trying. You always get hit on at bars but you never go home with anyone.”

“Casual sex isn’t my thing,” Luke insisted. “I’ve only slept with four people and those were all relationships.” He paused. “Well, _five_ , now.”

Michael smiled. “Good for you, and for Cal.”

Luke smiled, turning his attention back to the stack of exams in front of him, though his eyes slid to his phone, sitting silent beside him. It wasn’t that he was expecting a call, but there was a part of him that hoped Ben would call; to invite him over to welcome Ruby home.

But he had to be realistic. They were bringing home a _baby_ , not a puppy. Sarah’s emotions were running high and they were operating on very little sleep. There was no way he could assume that they’d include him.

But that didn’t mean he didn’t _want_ them to.

“Hey,” he said, pulling himself out of his thoughts. “Mum is doing a barbeque Saturday night, hopefully Ben and Sarah will bring Ruby. She said to invite you.”

Michael twirled the pen in his hands and considered the offer. “ _This_ Saturday?”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Yes. _This_ Saturday. Are you waiting for a better offer?”

Michael pursed his lips in an exaggerated pout. “No, not exactly,” he answered slowly. “Harry’s in town.”

Luke rolled his eyes so hard he was afraid they’d be permanently stuck inside his skull. “ _Harry_?” he scoffed. “Looks like I’m not the only one getting fucked.”

“Hey!” Michael said defensively, his brows knitting together in a frown. “It’s not like that.”

Luke snorted. “Yeah, it is,” he insisted. “He comes to town, you guys hook up for a weekend and you get all _invested_ again, and then he dumps you on his way to the fucking airport.”

Michael went quiet.

Luke looked over at him, saw how his shoulders were hunched and his eyes were on the carpet. He hated seeing Michael looking so dejected, but he knew that his words were true.

Harry was bad news, and Michael was the only person who couldn’t see it.

“He said it’s going to be different this time,” he mumbled.

Luke sighed and got up, going over to perch on the edge of Michael’s desk. “Didn’t he say that last time?” he questioned softly, sliding his palm over Michael’s shoulders. “Look, you’re an adult and you can do what you want to do, but I hate seeing you after he leaves.”

“I care about him.”

Luke bit his lip. _Care_ was about the closest Michael had ever gotten to saying _love_. Luke knew that if there was anyone from Michael’s dating history he had fallen in love with, it was the cheeky Brit that he’d met when he was twenty.

It had been a typical Saturday night out in the city. Luke was fuzzy on the details, but he could vaguely remember the Cool Room, and copious amount of drinks and Michael grinding on the dancefloor with some guy he’d never seen before.

Michael had dragged him over to their table, sweaty and dazed and hanging off of him like they’d known each other forever. He’d introduced them quickly before they were kissing openly – and Ashton had had to clear his throat twice _and_ give Michael a hard shove just to get rid of them.

Everything had fallen apart quickly after that.

Harry was in town for work – he was a part time underwear model, part time lecherous douchebag – and by the time Monday had rolled around, Michael had heart eyes and was insistent Harry was The One.

It was all over by Thursday, when Harry had effectively broken his heart via text message en route to Sydney International.

Luke had picked up the pieces of Michael’s heart, and nursed him through a few self-induced hangovers before bringing him around to the realization that Harry was scum.

And Michael had been _fine_ , until a few months later when he’d received a text from an unknown number – _Harry –_ and had immediately made plans to see him while he was in town for a photo shoot.

Luke’s sympathy after the ensuing broken hearted phone call had been less than impressed, but Michael was an adult. But the next four times it happened, Luke was less than understanding.

“Have you tried talking to him?” Luke asked. “Tell him how you feel?”

“And say what?” Michael asked, frowning. “Hey, so I love it when you’re in town and we fuck. Wanna get married?”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Obviously not something like that,” he demanded dryly. “But like, that you don’t want to be just another notch on his belt. That you have _feelings_.”

Michael scoffed. “Feelings are for the weak,” he demanded. “Like you and Calum.”

Luke bit his lip and tried to quell the need to smack Michael over the back of the head. “How about you’re less of a prick to your friends, hm?”

Michael sighed. “Look, _thanks_ , okay? I know you’re trying to help. But what I get from Harry – the few days worth of sex and companionship – that’s all it is. I know that, he knows that. It’s my own fault for thinking there’s more to it than that.”

Luke bit his lip ring, knowing that there was no reasoning with Michael when he was like this. He was sometimes so negative that it drove Luke crazy, but after fifteen years of being in each other’s lives, he’d learnt to just accept it.

“Honest,” Michael insisted. “I’m okay, and you don’t have to do the awkward shoulder rub,” he said, shrugging Luke’s hand off. “And hey, I might tell him to go fuck himself and come to the barbeque instead.”

Luke forced a smile, able to see through the thinly veiled front Michael had put up. But he was a friend, and he knew that bringing it up – calling Michael on his bullshit – would only end badly.

So he nodded, picked himself up, and went back to grading his papers.

**

“So you got to see her?”

Luke nodded excitedly, sliding his hands over Calum’s shoulders, underneath his jacket, pushing the fabric off carelessly.

“She’s so freaking _tiny_ , Cal. Sarah had her unwrapped and she was just so little and fragile and I _love_ her.”

Calum laughed softly, his hands at Luke’s waist. “I noticed,” he teased. “How’s everyone settling in?”

“Good,” Luke nodded, untucking Calum’s shirt from his skinny jeans. “I mean, as good as can be with a newborn.”

Calum’s eyebrow raised as Luke’s hands moved to his belt, unbuckling it quickly. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Luke paused, looking down at his hands, at where he’d pushed Calum’s wrinkled shirt up so he could undo his belt, and he frowned. “Oh. I’m…manhandling you, apparently.”

Calum laughed. “Not that I don’t mind,” he said quickly, pressing a kiss to the corner of Luke’s mouth. “But I’m kind of tired.”

Luke’s cheeks coloured and his hands dropped away from Calum’s belt. He’d been so excited to see the other man after spending the afternoon with Ruby, that he hadn’t been aware of his actions. It was partly because Calum wasn’t in his regular training clothes, either. He’d had practice earlier in the afternoon, then drinks at the soccer club afterwards, which meant he was wearing a blue button down shirt, impeccably tucked into his skinny jeans.

“How was your day?” Calum asked, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

Luke smiled, curling his arms around Calum’s neck. “It was good. Gave my year 12’s a study session instead of a lesson today. I am apparently the best teacher ever because of it.”

“Course you are,” Calum smiled proudly. “They’ll need it, too. If I remember correctly, this is the calm before the HSC storm.”

Luke sighed, feeling exhausted at the idea of the third and fourth terms. He’d known that being a high school teacher would dump him right in the middle of HSC preparations and exams. But the course load was massive, and there was a lot of responsibility on his shoulders to shape the future of his impressionable students.

“And Ruby?”

Luke smiled. “She’s so perfect, Cal. I just sat there for an hour and held her and she’s perfect.”

Calum mirrored the expression, and pressed another kiss to his lips. “I can’t wait to see her Saturday. Did Ben say if they’d come?”

Luke nodded. “Yeah. They’re managing pretty well now, the first few days were rough, but she’s a week old now.”

Calum’s lips found his again, and Luke couldn’t help but smile.

“Thought you were tired?” he mumbled.

“Eh,” Calum mumbled back, his hands slipping up underneath Luke’s shirt. “You’re hot, and I’m never too tired for sex.”

Luke laughed. “Who said I’m going to sleep with you?”

Calum’s hand slid lower and grabbed at Luke’s ass. “You gonna say no?”

Luke pulled away from his lips to bite down on his lip ring. Of course he wasn’t; he hadn’t said no since the first time, and he could never remember a time in his life where he’d had so much sex. They were insatiable, and even when Luke’s body needed a break – sitting at his desk had become hell after a few consecutive days of energetic sex – he still wanted it.

“How was your day?” Luke asked breathlessly. He’d be damned if the sex would take over their relationship, even though his attention wasn’t on Calum’s answer so much as Calum’s hands feeling him up.

“Good,” Calum murmured, dragging his lips down Luke’s throat. “Practice was good, I have an away game weekend after next,” he continued. “Had a few beers with the lads after and met a guy from Adidas who’d be interested in sponsorship.”

Luke sucked in a breath as Calum’s teeth closed over the skin of his neck. “Y-yeah?” he whispered. “That’s good, right? Sponsorship?”

“Mhm,” Calum confirmed, pulling back so he could tug Luke’s t-shirt up and off, throwing it to the floor of the living room. “If I sign a contract for a year, I could make enough to give up work at the gym.”

Luke knew Calum loved his job working as a personal trainer, but it was a means to an end. He wanted to focus on soccer full time, and while he could technically afford to do that now, he had a genuine love of fitness.

“I could get my own place,” Calum mumbled, his fingers closing over Luke’s hips to tug him closer.

“Could move in here,” Luke suggested softly.

Calum grinned, fingers deftly popping open the button on Luke’s skinny jeans. “That’d be a big step.”

Luke laughed breathlessly, unbuttoning Calum’s shirt. “It’s not like you’re not living here already.”

“Hey now,” Calum pouted. “Don’t say that too loudly, or Joy will hear you. Ever since Mali moved to London she makes these _eyes_ at me. The _don’t you ever leave me_ eyes.”

Luke pushed Calum’s shirt off his shoulders, hands lying flat against his toned chest. “At least you wouldn’t be moving to the other side of the world,” he pointed out.

Calum pursed his lips. “True. I like the way you think, Hemmings.”

Luke smirked. “I also know you love the way I suck dick, so why don’t we take this to the bedroom?”

**

“Oof!”

Luke sighed, pressing his nose further into the soft fabric of Ashton’s shirt, his arms winding around him.

“Nice to see you too, Luke,” Ashton chuckled, rubbing his back gently. “What’s wrong? Trouble in paradise?”

Luke frowned and released Ashton somewhat. “I haven’t seen you in _weeks_ , Ash. You deserve a crushing hug because I’ve forgotten everything about you.”

Ashton rolled his eyes, unbuttoning the top three buttons of his lavender button down shirt. “Don’t be so dramatic.”

Luke sighed again, squeezing Ashton before letting him go reluctantly. He’d been overjoyed to get the text from Ashton during his second period English class. The general _I have an hour for lunch, you free?_ That had him almost cheering in delight.

He’d hauled ass during lunch to make it into the city in time, showing up at Ashton’s work with two large take away coffees and a selection of burritos.  Luke was surprised to see his friend looking so tired, the normally bustling recording studio oddly quiet.

Ashton explained that he’d _finally_ finished up with a pop-punk band out of southern Sydney, and it had been the reason he’d been so unavailable lately. Apparently the four-piece act was incredibly new to the music business, and Ashton had to give more guidance than he ever had before.

It meant long hours and even longer studio time, and he barely been making it home to his inner-city apartment some nights. He was apologetic, but Luke didn’t care.

“How are things with you and Cal?” Ashton questioned as he unwrapped a beef burrito, taking a generous bite. “I’m sorry I’ve been so fucking absent.”

Luke busied himself with a chicken burrito, leaning back into the office chair he’d snagged next to Ashton’s at the mixing board.

“Things are great,” Luke nodded. “Like, crazy great. We see each other every day, and he fits, you know?”

Ashton smirked. “So I was right.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure. I guess I should thank you?”

Ashton laughed. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I might’ve said you two would be cute together, but it’s not like I’ve been around lately.”

Luke’s bottom lip pouted slightly as he looked over at Ashton. He could see how tired he was, that his comment ran a little deeper than just an offhand remark.

“What’s going on?”

“Hm?” Ashton questioned, taking another bite from his burrito. “Oh, nothing,” he mumbled through his mouthful of food.

Luke sighed, setting his burrito down on the paper wrapped around it. “Ashton Irwin is unfailingly positive and downright _chirpy_ when it comes to life. So what’s his problem about missing out on a few weeks of listening to me going on about Calum?”

Ashton chewed thoughtfully, and sighed once he’d swallowed. “I miss you guys,” he explained. “I feel like we’re worlds apart, ever since I got this job. It’s making me forget what life was like before.”

“But this is what you’ve always wanted,” Luke pointed out gently.

“Yeah, I know,” Ashton nodded, hooking an unruly curl back behind his ear. “And while I’m doing it, it’s everything I thought it’d be. But then I’ll go home, and realize I actually haven’t been there in four days because I’ve been sleeping here.”

Luke looked around, and could spot an inviting couch, and it made him feel sad to think of Ashton sleeping there night after night, alone with his thoughts.

“But it’s good,” Ashton added quickly. “It pays well and it’s the creativity I craved. It just doesn’t really allow much social time.”

Luke picked at his burrito, and pursed his lips momentarily. “Do you remember during your first unit at Macquarie, doing your media arts course? How you hated it and wanted out?”

Ashton sighed. “Look, I honestly don’t need a pep talk,” he said gently. “I just need more time; with you, Mikey, Cal. To see you guys more often.”

Luke picked up his coffee cup and took a sip. “Then come to my mum’s place Saturday night. She’s doing a barbeque for Ben and Sarah, and you can meet Ruby. Catch up with the guys, too.”

Ashton nodded quickly. “Yeah, definitely,” he insisted. “I don’t even care if I have anything on, I’ll cancel.”

Luke smiled and picked up his burrito. “Okay then.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick chapter posting tonight! Thanks everyone for reading!
> 
> Special thanks to daisy_maus, calum_xxx_hood and rejectclifford for their comments! Please keep leaving me love, it's incredibly rewarding!
> 
> xoxo


	6. Chapter 6

“Honey, can you pass the potato salad?”

Luke looked up from where he was thinly slicing an onion, a frown on his face as he was pulled away from the incredibly important task. He’d been assigned the job only a few minutes previously, thinking that his mother may have had a stroke to have asked him to perform a food preparation related task.

Surely she could remember when he was fifteen and almost sliced the tip off of his left index finger trying to cut even slices of cheese off the block for his and Michael’s afternoon cheese toasties. Or even the time he’d been spreading peanut butter on his toast and the serrated edge of the butter knife had scraped painfully over his knuckles.

And now, with his concentration solely on the onion on the cutting board, she was demanding he hand her potato salad?”

“Mum,” he stressed, face still pulled into a frown.

“Oh Luke,” she sighed, reaching around him for the bowl herself, swatting him on the rear with a tea towel. “Go back to your onion.”

He rolled his eyes and did just that, curling his fingertips over like he’d been shown in home economics, and gently slid the sharp knife along the cut edge of the onion. It was slow going, but he was proud of the fact he’d managed to avoid almost lopping off a finger, and it was a great distraction from his previous activity – door watching.

Calum had training and had promised to _try_ and be on time, depending on how bad traffic was. And Ben and Sarah had resigned themselves to the fact they’d never be on time again, unable to judge just how much effort it took to leave the house with a newborn.

So Luke had just been getting in his mother’s way, and she’d given him the task to get him to do something useful.

He managed to slice three onions before his eyes started to tear, and he gleefully abandoned the vegetable in favour of pressing wet paper towels to his eyes, and throwing his mother a dirty look.

“Knock, knock!”

Luke looked up in excitement and moved into the hall, watching the front screen door easing open, and then Calum appeared. Luke couldn’t hold back the wide grin on his face as he met his boyfriend at the door, pulling Calum into an embrace before the other man even pulled the door shut after him.

“Woah, hey,” Calum grinned, his hands resting on Luke’s lower back to hold him close.

“Hi,” Luke mumbled softly, pressing a kiss to Calum’s lips. “I missed you.”

Calum grinned, peppering a few kisses to Luke’s lips, one hand sliding up his back slowly. “You smell like onions.”

Luke snorted. “How romantic.”

Calum shrugged his shoulder and kissed him again. “Never said I didn’t like onions.”

Luke smiled, curling his arms around the other man’s shoulders and pressed his face into Calum’s neck, inhaling his scent. “How was training?”

“Good,” Calum mumbled, kissing over the neck of Luke’s dark t-shirt. “I’m not too late?”

“No,” Luke assured him. “Early, even. Waiting on Ben and Sarah, and Mikey and Ash.”

Calum nodded and pulled out of the embrace, lacing his fingers with Luke’s. “Enough food to sink a battleship?”

“Course,” Luke answered. “This is a Liz Hemmings barbeque after all.”

Speaking of the matriarch of the Hemmings family, Liz called out from the kitchen. “Is that Calum?”

Luke let out a breathy laugh and squeezed Calum’s hand. “You ready?”

“Always,” Calum promised easily, kissing his cheek gently before leading them towards the kitchen.

**

Luke could feel his heart pounding against his ribcage, could feel the rapid beat echoed in his throat, his pulse absolutely thrumming.

He figured he’d feel like this, the first time he saw Calum hold Ruby.

He knew there would be all these _feelings_ , the unavoidable devotion flowing through his veins as he watched his boyfriend hold a newborn baby. It fast forwarded their relationship five or ten years, a glimpse into something Luke had tried to keep himself from thinking about, because he just didn’t want to go _there_ yet.

But it was unavoidable, because Calum was nursing Ruby close to his chest, her head resting against his soft t-shirt, right over his heart. She was asleep, curled up into a ball and held safely in Calum’s capable hands, a blanket tucked around her.

He was sitting in one of the deck chairs, having a conversation with Ashton about something Luke wasn’t aware of, because his attention had been on his boyfriend the moment Sarah had eased Ruby into his arms.

Luke always wanted to be the one holding her, but the image of her in Calum’s arms was the only exception.

“Did you hear from Mikey?”

Luke blinked, looking over at Ashton guiltily. “Hm?”

“Michael,” Ashton repeated, scooping some coleslaw into his mouth. “He said he was coming, right?”

Luke nodded, inching his chair closer to Calum’s. “Yeah, we talked yesterday and he said he’d be here.”

“He’s almost two hours late,” Calum pointed out softly.

Luke sighed. He knew exactly where Michael was, without needing to ask. The short conversation he’d had with his friend the day before gave him all the information he needed to know – Harry had flown in on Thursday.

Michael had already spent the night with him by the time Luke had talked to him, and he knew without a doubt that wherever Harry was, Michael would be right beside him.

“Maybe I should give him a call?” Ashton suggested, worry on his face.

Luke bit his lip, unsure if he should fill his friend in on Michael’s whereabouts. Ashton had been quite vocal with his thoughts of Harry, and Luke was certain it’d be like pouring fuel on a fire if he came clean.

“He’s probably just gaming and lost track of time,” Calum offered, his large hand rubbing over Ruby’s back when she stirred momentarily.

Luke nodded quickly, focusing his eyes back on Calum and Ruby.

Calum had turned his head towards the baby and pressed a soft kiss against her forehead, and Luke whimpered.

Calum’s eyes found his and he smirked, raising an eyebrow. “Really?”

Luke could feel his cheeks burn red, and he shrugged his shoulder. “Don’t judge me,” he murmured softly, leaning over to press a quick kiss to Calum’s lips. “It’s her and it’s you and it’s us.”

Calum nodded gently, pressing a quick kiss to Luke’s nose. “I get it. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to tease you about it.”

Luke rolled his eyes and sat back in his seat, his cheeks flushed and a wide smile on his face. The evening had been perfect, and despite the fact Michael hadn’t shown up, Luke had enjoyed the company, and seeing how much of a natural Ben and Sarah were at being parents.

They both looked exhausted, which was to be expected, but there was this eerie calm about them which Luke loved. It was like Ruby was always meant to be in their lives, and despite the broken sleep, they wouldn’t change a thing.

He watched as Ben headed for the kitchen, and Luke got up and quickly followed him.

“Hey Lukey,” Ben smiled as he eased open the refrigerator, getting himself a Corona. “Want?”

Luke shook his head, leaning against the kitchen counter. “I’m good. Jack could probably do with another.”

Ben laughed and pulled another bottle out, setting them both on the bench. “He’s really not adjusting well to being the second favourite uncle.”

Luke couldn’t help the superior smirk on his face. Ruby had downright wailed the moment she was in her Uncle Jack’s arms, causing the man to get flustered and defensive, and Luke had swooped in quickly to scoop her up, cuddling her close as he rocked her into a soundless sleep.

Since then, Jack had busied himself with giving Luke dirty looks and sucking down beer as if it was water.

It finally felt like Luke was better at something than Jack. Their entire lives had been based around competition, and Luke had hated Jack’s desire to always _win_. Whether they were playing Super Mario Kart, or ping pong, or a stupid game of Go Fish, he _had_ to win. And if he didn’t, he’d accuse Luke of cheating, and it would mostly end in their mother forcing them into their separate bedrooms for time out.

“Cal looks comfy with a baby,” Ben pointed out with a smirk, twisting the top off his bottle, and took a slow sip.

Luke groaned. “Don’t remind me,” he sighed. “It’s really not keeping my mind off the idea of having kids with him, that’s for sure.”

Ben laughed. “Trust me, it’s not always like this,” he informed him. “Sometimes she just cries for no reason, and then Sarah cries and I wonder how on earth we’re going to raise her. But then I remember she’s not even two weeks old yet.”

“Exactly,” Luke smiled. “She’s getting to know you guys as much as you’re getting to know her. It’s an adjustment.”

“It is,” Ben smiled. “But I won’t lie, I’d give my left kidney for just a solid eight hours of sleep again.”

“Well you know,” Luke said slowly, grin on his lips. “I know a guy who’d be willing to babysit.”

Ben snorted. “And have you going stupid over Calum holding her? I think it’s safer if we wait a few weeks before Uncle Lukey babysits.”

Luke pouted but the expression was shattered with a laugh. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. I guess I can settle for visits.”

Ben picked up the unopened beer intended for Jack and clapped Luke on the shoulder. “For the record, you thinking of kids with Calum isn’t so crazy,” he smiled. “You two were always meant to be together.”

Luke’s cheeks turned pink and he lingered in the kitchen a moment longer, getting lost in the idea of his future with Calum. The thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the front screen door, and he frowned.

He headed down the hallway towards the front door and turned on the porch light, and had to keep himself from groaning.

Michael was looking at him guiltily, red lower lip caught between his teeth. The problem wasn’t that he was late – Luke knew that Michael didn’t always operate on western time – it was the fact he’d bought someone.

He’d bought _Harry_.

“Hi?” Michael all but squeaked.

Luke blatantly ignored the man with his arm around Michael’s waist, his eyes on his friend. “You’re late.”

“Yeah,” Michael breathed. “I’m really sorry. I-uh-we – “

“Got distracted,” Harry filled in, a cocky smirk on his face.

He was everything Luke remembered about him. The stupid long, dark hair that looked as if it hadn’t been brushed in months, sheer, obnoxious designer shirt unbuttoned to his belly button and falling open to show off his chest and many tattoos. His jeans were tight, leaving very little to the imagination, and his fingers were curled possessively over Michael’s hip.

“We can go,” Michael offered.

Luke sighed. He was tempted to nod, to tell Michael to get rid of Harry and come back without the lecherous Brit, but Luke was too nice.

He hated that about himself sometimes.

“Don’t be silly,” he insisted, and unlocked the door, easing it open for his friend.

“Thanks,” Michael smiled, stepping away from Harry and over the threshold, the man behind him following quickly, hand latching onto Michael’s.

Luke raised his eyebrows at the move, and Michael avoided his eyes. Luke had no choice but to lead them down the hall and out onto the patio.

“Uh, Michael’s here,” he said, his voice coming out confused and uncertain.

Ashton looked over, and almost immediately, his brows creased into a frown.

“Hey,” Michael greeted en masse, waving nervously. “Uh, this is Harry.”

Liz stood up to greet him, pulling Michael into a quick hug, and smiled welcomingly at Harry. “Grab a plate,” she insisted, gesturing to the picnic table covered in platters of food.

Michael greeted everyone as usual, even put on a baby voice when looking at Ruby who was still resting comfortably on Calum’s chest.

But there was a _vibe_ , one that only Luke, Calum and Ashton were aware of. The three of them watched as Michael and Harry grabbed a paper plate each and picked and chose from the abundance of salads and grilled meat, before helping themselves to a drink.

“Seriously?” Ashton whispered.

Luke took his seat beside Calum once more, hand finding his knee as he looked at Ashton worriedly. “Don’t, okay?” he asked softly. “At least he’s here.”

“He bought fucking Harry,” Ashton mumbled, rolling his eyes. “How is he not learning his lesson?”

“Leave him alone,” Calum insisted. “He’s an adult, and if he wants to keep letting Harry fuck him over, it’s his choice,” he said pointedly.

Luke knew that, of course. Michael was capable of making his own decisions, but this decision – _Harry –_ wasn’t a decision he should be making. Luke knew that come Tuesday, or whenever Harry flew out again, Michael would be a mess.

Luke watched them, the way Harry handed Michael the sauce bottle, and made sure he had enough napkins for them both, and he wondered if something had changed. Michael never bought Harry around, at least not over the past few months. Since they’d all had their say and told Michael in no uncertain terms that Harry was a prick.

So for him to show up with Harry by his side was odd.

“How’s HSC prep going, Luke?”

Luke looked over at Celeste, Jack’s girlfriend, and smiled. “I wish I could take holidays for the rest of the year,” he admitted.

“See, that’s why I went for primary school,” she teased.

Luke could remember grilling her for hours on the benefits of teaching primary school. It would’ve been easier, he knew that, but the idea of teaching young adults had won out in the end. It seemed like more of a challenge, though sometimes Luke wished for the ease of a younger demographic.

“You still want me to speak to your year eight’s?” Michael asked as he took a seat beside Luke at the outdoor table, Harry by his side.

“You’re doing a speech?” Harry asked, a smile on his face. “Aren’t you clever?”

Michael’s cheeks blushed red. “It’s no big deal. Just for Luke’s year eight creative writing class.”

“It is a big deal,” Harry insisted, setting down his plastic cutlery. “I’m impressed.”

Luke wasn’t sure what it was; Harry’s praise or Michael’s response to it, that pissed him off. Since when did the Brit give a shit about Michael, apart from fucking him a few days out of the month?

“Luke?”

“Oh,” Luke mumbled, blinking at Michael. “Yeah, please. Let me know when you’re free.”

“All the time,” Michael grinned.

“After this week,” Harry amended.

“You’re staying in town?” Ashton asked, his voice light, but Luke could hear the condescending tone beneath it.

“For the week,” Harry nodded, cutting into the potato salad on his plate. “I extended my trip a few days to spend time with Michael.”

Luke frowned, wondering why Michael hadn’t mentioned that fact when they’d spoken the day before. Luke knew he hadn’t always been the most supportive when it came to Harry, but Michael usually didn’t give a shit about his opinion.

“That’s nice,” Ashton said tightly, the friendly tone dropping quickly.

“Ash,” Michael sighed softly.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ashton said, his words clipped as he got up and headed inside for another beer.

Luke was left biting his lip ring as awkwardness settled between him and his friends. His parents and siblings were oblivious, thankfully, and Luke tried to take his attention away from Michael completely, especially when Harry leant in and whispered something in his ear that made him blush.

He looked at Calum, who was still cradling Ruby to his chest, and smiled. They were the distraction he needed, knowing at that point; there was nothing he could do to help Michael. He’d just help him when Harry inevitably left.

“You wanna?” Calum offered, gesturing to Ruby.

Luke did, he _always_ did, but seeing her against Calum’s chest was somehow better. He shook his head, leaning over to kiss her on the crown of her head, and then pressed one to Calum’s cheek.

“I see,” Calum mumbled lowly, and Luke laughed softly.

“Shut up,” he demanded softly. “Shut up and you might get laid when we get home.”

Calum gasped softly, looking affronted. “Not in front of the _child_ , Lucas.”

Luke rolled his eyes. He never understood the stupid nickname Calum had given them when they were teenagers. But it had stuck, and even his own _mother_ was calling him Lucas, though it was definitely _not_ the name he was given at birth.

Luke’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Michael’s laughter, and he looked over at his friend and the man beside him, who were lost in each other, whispering back and forth.

“He’s happy,” Calum commented softly. “I’ve known him for twenty years, and I’ve never seen him this happy with anyone else.”

Luke sighed. “I know. But’s it temporary happiness. When Harry goes, he’ll fall apart and he’ll make all these grand statements about not falling for it again.”

“True,” Calum countered, his hand finding Luke’s thigh. “But does that look like temporary happiness to you?”

Luke looked back at Michael to see his head bowed towards Harry, his cheeks pink and Harry’s hand rubbing slowly up his back. The other man brushed a tender kiss over Michael’s forehead, and Michael audibly sighed.

“Shit.”

“It doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” Calum pointed out gently. “Maybe Harry has grown up? He’s taken time off to spend the rest of the week with Michael.”

Luke wanted Calum to be right, wanted Michael to have what he wanted. But Harry had obliterated any trust Luke had put in him after they’d met, and it was hard to let go of the memory of Michael holding back tears the last time he’d left without so much as a goodbye.

“Ash isn’t taking it well.”

Luke looked over at Ashton to see him talking to Jack, nodding along to the conversation, but his eyes were sliding towards Michael.

“Do you think he’s interested in Michael?”

Luke made a face. “No. I don’t think so. Ash is too busy to like anyone, though I think they’d be good for each other.”

“It would really even out this friendship if they got together,” Calum grinned, leaning forward for his beer, taking a sip. “We could double date.”

Luke rolled his eyes, snagging Calum’s beer to take a quick sip. “Double date with Michael and Ash?” he repeated. “I mean, we get on well as individuals but as couples?”

Calum tucked the blanket tighter around Ruby and raise his eyebrows. “You never know.”

Luke rolled his eyes and went back to making eyes as his boyfriend.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I hope you enjoy this new chapter! I seem to always add a little Harry Styles, don't I? What can I say, he's so beautiful and him and Michael fit together so perfectly! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading, please feel free to leave a comment! It's so rewarding and I appreciate it so much! And, if you do, I'll give you a little shout out at the end of the next chapter!!!
> 
> Special thanks to thominhoplease, calum_xxx_hood, ishallsinkwithmyships and daisy_maus for their lovely comments on the last chapter!
> 
> xoxo


	7. Chapter 7

“Are you alright?” Luke bit his lip, wedging his phone against his ear as he shifted a pile of HSC practice tests aside.

“I am.”

He bit down on his lip ring, his attention on the task at hand, planning on taking advantage of his lunch break by organizing himself for his afternoon classes. At least until Michael had called.

“Are you sure?” Luke questioned again, scrawling a note down a post it.

“Yes,” Michael sighed in annoyance. “I’m not going to fall apart because my boyfriend left.”

Luke held back the pained groan that wanted to escape, and managed to channel it into a soft sigh. “Boyfriend?”

Michael huffed. “It was different this time,” he insisted. “He stayed all week, and took me to some function thing in the city the other night. I drove him to the airport and he let me kiss him at the gate. It’s _different_.”

Luke knew Michael needed him to say good things. And Luke wanted to, he did, but he just didn’t trust Harry.

“I don’t need you to _fix_ me, Luke,” Michael huffed. “I’m calling to say hey, because Harry left this morning and we haven’t spoken in a few days.”

“Right,” Luke said slowly, sitting back in his chair.

The staff room outside of his office was quiet, and he was relieved. It was only Wednesday and he was already up to his neck in schoolwork. He had to prepare for his year eight class’s speech that Michael was helping him with, then he had his year eleven class out on an excursion at the end of term. It felt like every time he thought he was getting ahead before the June/July school holidays, something always popped up and dragged him back under.

“How’s Ruby? How’s Calum?”

Luke sat back in his office chair, and turned to face the window. Students were bundled up in winter gear, a few stray kids hurrying from the English department to the science building, and he shivered. The winter was harsh this year, and he contemplated putting his flannel back on over his black button down.

“Hello? Luke?”

“Sorry,” he said quickly, letting out a sigh. “Everything is good. Ruby is perfect, Calum’s training hard.”

“Good,” Michael murmured. “Look,” he sighed. “You don’t like Harry, and for good reason, okay? He’s treated me like shit in the past and I know I’ve gone back to him again and again, but I’m old enough to make my own decisions.”

Luke held in a sigh of annoyance. “I get that. But you can’t expect me to wish you well when he’s been a total fucking prick.”

“Look, I don’t judge you for hooking up with Calum!”

Luke snorted. “Are you seriously comparing Calum to Harry?”

“Oh fuck you,” Michael spat angrily. “You know what, I don’t get what your problem is. Before, I thought you were jealous that you weren’t getting laid and I was, but since you and Calum got together, it’s like you just don’t give a shit if I’m happy or not.”

“Woah!” Luke cried, his brows creasing into a frown. “That’s not fair! I’ve only ever been looking out for you, and you can’t blame me for not trusting Harry. But don’t drag Calum into this. I mean it, Mikey. “

“It’s different now,” Michael insisted again. “And fuck you for not supporting me.”

Luke opened his mouth to respond when he was met with a dial tone. It wasn’t the first time in their friendship Michael had hung up on Luke. As close as they were, their fights were always epic, and usually involved shouting and a few days of radio silence.

He set his phone down on his desk with a sigh, and took the opportunity to rub at his tired eyes. He didn’t have time to worry about Michael, as awful as it felt to admit. His workload was driving him crazy, and between Calum and Ruby and Ben and Sarah, he was quickly burning out.

He always promised himself at the start of each new year, that he’d be better prepared. That he’d get his lesson plans done over the Easter holidays, that he’d order his novels for his year twelve third term essay early, that he’d just…avoid the entire headache.

But it wasn’t the first time it had happened; he managed to stitch himself up each and every year since taking the position after graduating uni.

He picked up his phone to call Michael back, to try and smooth over their fight, when the device started to ring.

“Ben,” he smiled as he answered.

“Hey Lukey,” his brother greeted. “It’s not a bad time, is it?”

Luke looked at his pile left forgotten on his desk, and he fought the urge to let out a tired sigh. “Nope, not a bad time.”

“Good,” Ben murmured. “I need a favour.”

Luke’s eyebrows raised in interest, and he sat back further in his chair. “I’m listening.”

Ben laughed. “It’s nothing too crazy. Just wanted to see if you’d maybe, sorta, like to kinda…babysit your niece?”

Luke let out an inhuman squeak. “What? When? Now? I can come now!”

Ben laughed again. “No, not _now_ ,” he assured him. “In a few weeks? It’s Emma’s 18th birthday, and I’ve managed to convince Sarah to travel up the coast to the party with me. She’s nervous about leaving Ruby, but she relented after I promised her I’d ask you.”

Luke’s work suddenly seemed unimportant, the idea of seeing Ruby much more appealing. “I’d love to, of course.”

“Great,” Ben sighed. “I just really want to take her out and spoil her, even if it is her little sister’s birthday party. Everything with the baby has been crazy, and I don’t want to lose sight of our marriage, you know?”

“I know,” Luke nodded. “I think it’s great you want to take her out. And I’m honoured you’d ask me to watch her.”

“Of course,” Ben insisted. “You were chosen first, above grandparents even.”

Luke smiled. “Thanks, Ben. You really have no idea what it means to me.”

“Oh, I have an idea,” Ben said. “I’ll talk to you later with more details, okay?”

**

As tired as Luke was after a long week, there was no way he’d miss one of Calum’s games. He wasn’t always able to go to the away games, but he made a promise to himself that he’d be there for every home game. Usually he could twist Michael or Ashton’s arm to go with him, but Michael still wasn’t answering his texts after their fight earlier in the week, and Ashton was barely returning calls he was so busy.

So Luke had left work to grab a quick shower at home, before catching the train down to the stadium Calum would be playing at. He’d managed to find him pretty quickly, still feeling like a fish out of water as he navigated the hallways that led to the dressing rooms, despite the laminated pass he had strung around his neck.

He felt like he didn’t belong; side-stepping assistant coaches and personal trainers and trying to stay out of everybody’s way. He almost always relaxed whenever he saw Calum – he was usually shirtless in his short shorts and strapping around his knee from a recent strain injury.

He’d smile so wide and meet Luke at the door, taking his hand and dragging him gently away from the hustle and bustle of the change rooms so they could talk.

It would be more _kissing_ than _talking_ , but Luke never minded. He was all too happy to lay his palms against Calum’s warm chest, and press against him as they traded kisses. Calum was always buzzing with adrenaline, talking quickly when they came up for air about the pre-game training session, or how much better his knee was getting.

Luke would listen and even though he didn’t quite understand the ins and outs of the physiotherapy Calum endured to help his knee, it was just endearing to watch Calum chat excitedly about his passion for soccer.

But they’d eventually have to say goodbye, and Luke sought out the concession stand to purchase fifteen dollars’ worth of absolute junk food before making his way to the reserved seating just behind the player’s bench at the middle of the field.

He’d balance his Diet Coke with one hand, and scoff down his hotdog (and nachos, if he was especially hungry) and watched as the stadium filled up. It always felt like such a long wait until the teams took to the field, and butterflies filled his stomach as he watched Calum jog out onto the dewy grass, jersey stretched tight across his chest.

He stifled a yawn behind his hand as the teams lined up to sing the national anthem, and he sang along under his breath, his eyes on Calum.

The fondness was almost juvenile, and Luke felt so much warmth for his boyfriend of three months. He couldn’t believe how good things were going, and how well they fit. Everyone seemed to agree, jokingly asking when the wedding was, how many kids they’d have. It was meant to embarrass them, but Luke would only squeeze Calum’s hand, because they both just _knew_.

Luke wanted three kids, preferably before he was thirty-three. He wanted to be at his job for five years to earn enough paid leave to be a stay-at-home dad, at least until the youngest was three. If he could choose, he’d want two boys and a little girl, but it really didn’t matter. He didn’t know how hard the process would be, if he’d adopt or use a surrogate.

He supposed it depended on his partner – his _husband_. Luke wanted to be married before kids came along, wanted a stable foundation before welcoming their family. And since things had started with Calum, Luke had managed to imagine their future as clear as day.

Of course, he wouldn’t ever put a time limit on their relationship. Marriage was something they’d only talked about once – and Luke had tried to keep his voice light – and he knew that even if it didn’t happen until he was thirty, he didn’t care. If there was anyone who could ruin his plan and get away with it, it was Calum.

“Hey, Luke!”

Luke looked up from his drink to smile at the woman edging towards him. “Hey Cassie,” he greeted politely, as she sat down beside him. “How’re you feeling?”

The brunette smiled tiredly, resting a hand on her obviously pregnant belly. “We don’t have enough time to go over my list of grievances,” she joked lightly. “Let’s just say I’ve only cried three times today, instead of the usual twenty.”

Luke laughed. “Well, that’s an improvement!”

The reserved seating behind the team bench was reserved for family members. Luke figured out that clearly meant _wives_ the first time he’d been given his pass, sandwiching himself into a seat, surrounded by wives and girlfriends of Calum’s teammates. It had taken him a few weeks to relax, feeling like he stuck out like a sore thumb, but the women were very accepting, and found him to be somewhat of a novelty.

Calum had always been proud and out – with his team, managers, fans; everyone. But being the only gay member on the team meant Luke was constantly surrounded by women. And he didn’t mind that, necessarily. But he just felt so _gay_ when he was on his own with all the ladies.

Cassie had befriended him quickly, and they’d bonded over her pregnancy. Luke would keep her updated about Sarah’s pregnancy and Ruby’s subsequent birth, and Cassie would always admit candidly of her pregnancy cravings and symptoms. She was incredibly down to earth, and Luke always loved catching up with her.

She wasn’t always present, ever since entering her third trimester. It was getting far too cold to sit outside for an hour or two on a Friday night, and Luke always missed the conversation when she wasn’t there.

“How’s Cal’s knee?”

Luke sighed, setting his half-empty cup down on the ground by his feet. “Good. The physio is really helping.”

“That’s great,” Cassie smiled. “Won’t be too much longer until the scouts are out in force.”

Luke smiled. “Don’t remind me. Cal hasn’t bought it up yet, and I’m not going to.”

She laughed. “You should be worried. He’ll be snapped up this season, I know it.”

Luke knew Calum was good. He knew next to nothing about soccer – unless you counted FIFA competitions on the Xbox as experience – but he knew from watching Calum play, and watching his coach’s reactions to his game, that Calum was good, possibly even the best.

It was only a matter of time before he was playing for Australia, Luke knew. It was just a waiting game. As much as Luke wanted Calum to excel, there was a part of him that was scared of what it would all _mean_. It could mean training overseas again. It could mean a lot of travelling for first grade matches.

And Luke wanted to be selfish and wrap Calum up in his arms and never let go.

“James too,” Luke pointed out. “Cal seems to think it’s his time.”

Cassie smiled at the mention of her husband. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “With this little bruiser on the way, I can’t see him wanting to spend time away.”

Luke smiled, looking down at her stomach. “So, boy?”

“Yes!” Cassie laughed. “I keep forgetting I haven’t seen you in a few weeks. We’re having a little man, who is apparently going to play soccer like his father.”

“That’s great,” Luke smiled, feeling a slight hum of jealousy deep in his gut.

“I just want him here healthy. The career stuff can come much later.”

Luke was distracted as a whistle was blown, and his attention was drawn back to the field – to Calum.

His hands were on his hips, eyes following his teammates as the other team kicked off. He was focussed, his mind immersed on the task at hand.

Luke got a little lost within the rules – he never usually paid too much attention to the referees, mostly just on Calum. He got the general gist of it, and he always stood and clapped when the home crowd did.

By the time half time was called, Calum’s team was up 1-0. Luke’s eyes tracked him as he jogged off the field, and felt his cheeks warm when Calum grinned over at him, blowing a quick kiss before disappearing down the tunnel towards the change rooms.

He went for a coffee run, offering Cassie a nice hot chocolate to keep her warm, and returned just in time for the second half. He curled his hands tight around his cup, inhaling the warm steam wafting off the top.

Winter was looking to be brutal already, and Luke wished he’d thought to grab a scarf or his knitted gloves. He sipped his coffee slowly, not so much needing the caffeine hit, but the warmth of the cup kept his fingers from shaking.

He thought about the future, what home games would be like with children. Would he line up the kids and wind scarves around their neck and bring a thermos of hot chocolate for them to share as they watched their daddy play?

Luke _knew_ he was ridiculous, that his thoughts were downright insane, but it was a nice picture in his head. He was lost in it, having to drag himself into the present to watch the game.

Calum had the ball, dribbling down towards his team’s goal as he side-stepped his opponents. Luke saw him hesitate, contemplating a pass but he continued on.

Luke saw the guy from the opposite team heading in Calum’s direction, saw his foot lash out to tap against Calum’s ankle. He watched Calum hit the grass, the ball sliding away from him and over the touch line. Luke’s teeth bit down on his bottom lip.

He’d seem him go to ground more than a few times and even though he knew it was almost always superficial, there was a part of Luke that worried. And that part flared up considerably when Calum didn’t immediately get up and brush the grass from his shorts. In fact, he didn’t move much at all, though his hands did reach down to close around his strapped knee.

“Shit,” Luke whispered, standing up quickly to get a better look, his lip ring trapped between his teeth.

Calum was too far away for him to see much, but as the referee called a time out, Luke’s stomach clenched.

Calum was gesturing to a teammate about his knee, rolling onto his back and dragging his knee up towards his chest, cradling it carefully. Someone motioned for a medic, and Luke could feel the panic start to choke him.

“He’s okay,” Cassie told him, standing beside him and putting a comforting hand on his forearm. “Probably just fell a little awkwardly on that weak knee.”

Luke knew that, he did. He wasn’t irrational, but seeing Calum hurt and on his back didn’t appeal to his rational side. He just wanted to storm the field and wrap Calum up in his arms and take away the pain.

The longer Calum was on the grass, the more panic Luke felt. Two trainers reached his side to assess the damage, and Luke’s heart was in his throat. The two men slowly dragged Calum to a sitting position, and helped him up onto his good leg, his right leg curled up and off the ground.

“Go,” Cassie said softly.

Luke looked over at her, his eyes wide. “Where?”

“See that gate down by the field? Go through there and you can follow him down the tunnel to the change rooms.”

Luke nodded, pushing his half-empty cup of coffee into her hands and quickly edged out of the aisle, trying to avoid stepping on the toes of the other people seated around him.

He made it to the gate as Calum was guided off the field, and Luke thought he’d feel relief when he laid his eyes on the other man, but Calum’s face was pinched with pain, and there was sweat beading on his forehead and upper lip.

“Cal,” Luke mumbled, his voice strangled in his throat.

Calum looked up, his arms wrapped around the shoulders of the team trainers. “I’m fine,” he said, though it was clearly a lie.

Luke passed through the gate to follow behind Calum as he was led off the field. “You’re not.”

Calum groaned softly and didn’t respond.

He didn’t need to, Luke knew he wasn’t okay. He knew Calum’s knee wasn’t quite back to full strength, and he knew that the subtle ankle tap was enough to cause more damage. Those thoughts and more were running through his head as they got back to the change room, and Calum was lifted up to sit on a padded table and the team physio came over to assess the damage.

“Hey,” Calum murmured, holding out his hand for Luke.

Luke had lingered in the doorway, too stunned to really move. But the moment Calum called out to him, he was at his side, lacing their fingers together.

“I’m okay,” Calum promised softly, kissing his knuckles. “Just fell stupid.”

“That guy _pushed_ you,” Luke demanded hotly, running his fingers through Calum’s sweaty hair. “Isn’t there some sort of rule against stuff like that?”

Calum smiled. “There is,” he nodded. “A penalty. The team will get a free kick or something.”

“A free kick?” Luke scoffed. “You could’ve done your ACL, Cal. A _free kick_ hardly seems like a fair trade.”

Calum pulled him closer, curling his arm around Luke’s waist and kissed his shoulder. “I love that you’re mad on my behalf,” he mumbled.

“Well it’s not fair,” Luke mumbled back.

Calum winced as fingers prodded against his knee, and the strapping was slowly pulled from his skin. “How bad?” he asked, his eyes on his physiotherapist.

“You know I’m not going to make assumptions,” the doctor smiled, his fingers skilfully straightening Calum’s leg out.

Luke sighed, kissing Calum’s temple. “You’re such an idiot.”

“Me?” Calum demanded. “Five seconds ago you wanted to kill the other guy.”

“Yeah, but he’d mostly likely kill me first. You I could take.”

Calum winced and snorted, pressing his face into Luke’s chest. “In my injured state yeah, you could.”

Luke pulled back and wiped sweat off of Calum’s brow. “Here,” he mumbled. “Get your jersey off, you’re all sweaty.”

He was careful as he stripped Calum’s shirt off, letting it drop to the floor. His fingers dragged over Calum’s bare shoulders, his eyes narrowed as he inspected him for any further injuries.

“I’m fine,” Calum insisted again.

“Don’t get shitty with me for worrying over you,” Luke demanded. “You’re mine and I love you.”

Calum laughed gently, but it faded to a groan as the physiotherapist manipulated his knee. “C’mon,” he mumbled.

“Sorry mate,” the doctor eased. “I don’t think it’s your ACL, but I want this iced and for you to have an MRI tomorrow.”

Calum sighed. “Tell me I’m going to be back before scouts.”

The doctor smiled ruefully. “You will be. But you have a lot of work ahead of you.”

Calum nodded, his eyes falling shut.

Luke bit down on his lip ring, reaching for a clean towel to wipe Calum’s brow. “Are you going to let me take care of you?”

Calum eased an eye open for a moment. “Course,” he mumbled. “I think I fucked up my knee.”

“I think so too,” Luke commented softly, leaning down to kiss over his mouth gently. “Looks like I’m driving home.”

Calum murmured something unintelligible, his fingers slipping up underneath Luke’s shirt to touch his skin. “Gonna need some painkillers.”

“Hold out your hand,” the physio demanded.

Calum did, and he dropped two Panadol into his palm.

“Nothing stronger until I see you tomorrow,” he insisted. “Even if the hospital offers.”

Calum nodded, putting the pills on his tongue and took the offered cup from the doctor and washed them down.

“Is there anything I need to do for him?” Luke asked softly.

“Just ice his knee tonight,” the doctor explained. “I’ll give you a set of crutches, I don’t want to see you putting _any_ weight on this leg until I say so.”

Calum nodded tiredly, gently lying down on the table with a sigh.

Luke wanted to berate him some more; find the stupid guy that ankle tapped him in the first place and give him a verbal lashing. But he felt weak, like the injury happened to _him_ instead of Calum, and he realized this was just so _adult_.

Calum was his only real adult relationship, and Luke hadn’t even realized it until that moment. They were so deeply connected that he felt Calum’s pain, and he knew that this was what people talked about when they found their soul mate.

He leant down, leaning on his elbow as he pushed a few sweaty strands of bleached hair off Calum’s forehead, kissing his cheek. “You okay?”

“Mhm,” Calum mumbled softly, his eyes falling closed. “Better with you here.”

Luke smiled, rubbing his thumb over Calum’s jaw before kissing him softly. “How am I ever going to let you back out on that field, hm?”

Calum smiled. “It’s not like this happens all the time.”

“Maybe not,” Luke hummed softly. “But there’s no way I want to see your career over before you’re 27.”

“It won’t be,” Calum assured him. “I’m going to make sure of it.”

Luke kissed him again. “I wanna take you home, okay? And I’ll drive you to the hospital in the morning for your scan.”

Calum nodded tiredly, his eyes still closed. “I’m exhausted.”

“I know,” Luke murmured. “Once you’re iced up, we’ll go.”

Calum almost looked asleep, and Luke admired his face closely. He was still slightly sweaty, dark lashes lying flat against his cheeks. He inhaled slowly, his lips parting slightly as he exhaled. He was so beautiful, and Luke knew how lucky he was.

It’s what kept him there, bent awkwardly over the table as he ran his fingers through Calum’s hair, peppering a soft kiss here and there. The older man hummed, wincing as his knee was tightly iced and wrapped, letting out a soft whimper when Luke went to pull away.

“I’ll get you a shirt,” Luke placated softly, giving him one last kiss to the lips before doing as he said, locating Calum’s locker and tugged out his backpack.

He unzipped it and found a t-shirt, pressing the fabric to his nose with a smile before bringing it back over to the table.

“You’re so good to me,” Calum mumbled, his eyes half-closed.

“C’mon, sit up,” Luke guided, taking a hold of Calum’s arms, and gently eased him up.

Calum groaned, as if the simple movement was the most pain he’d ever felt. He let out a sigh, eyes blinking open slowly. “Starting to feel it.”

Luke smiled sympathetically, gently guiding Calum’s arms into his t-shirt, and tugged it down over his head. The olive green fabric contrasted well with his tanned skin, and Luke couldn’t resist pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“Crutches,” the doctor announced, leaning them up against the table. “I’d say it again, but I think your boyfriend will make sure you stay off that knee.”

Calum smiled ruefully, his fingers tugging at Luke’s shirt. “He sure will.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hit you all with Calum & babies, now have poor, injured Cal! His softer side is so much fun to write and explore, and I love Luke's fussing. This pairing is just so real!
> 
> Thanks for all the love this story is getting! Please keep leaving me comments! It's such a lovely thing for me to see all your reactions!
> 
> Special thanks to daisy_maus, Coco_Decon, bigJ, ishallsinkwithmyships, rocketmail, LiveLife_ShipCake, calum_xxx_hood and thominhoplease for their awesome comments on the last chapter!
> 
> xoxo


	8. Chapter 8

“Luuuke!”

Luke groaned, rolling his eyes. “Jesus Calum, do you think I’m _trying_ to hurt you?”

Calum pouted. “Yes, I think you are trying!”

Luke resisted the urge to dig his fingers into Calum’s sore knee, to give him something to _actually_ complain about.

It wasn’t that Luke wasn’t sympathetic – he’d had more than a few injuries in his life – but he was really starting to question the validity of Calum’s pain, considering his injury was almost two weeks old and he still hobbled around on his crutches with a wounded look on his face.

And Luke knew, he couldn’t complain. After all, it was his idea to baby Calum in the beginning, making him a hot cup of coffee and buying him those horrible orange cream biscuits he liked so much. They’d curl up on the couch with Calum’s knee supported on a pillow and they’d cuddle and argue about the heinous flavour of Calum’s beloved biscuits as Luke happily nibbled on a Tim Tam or two.

But after the first week, Luke was starting to get _tired_. There was officially two weeks left of the school term, and he knew how rough they would be. He was spending his lunch breaks at school working on his syllabus and then dedicating a few hours at night to finish off what he couldn’t during the day.

But it was almost impossible to sit at his desk in the study, a pair of glasses resting on the end of his nose as he tried to concentrate, permanently distracted by the soccer game playing loudly on the TV, and Calum’s impassioned shouts of victory when his favoured team scored.

If it wasn’t the commentary, it was Calum _needing_ something. A glass of water, a tissue, an itch he couldn’t scratch on his calf. It was turning Luke’s possible two hours of extra work into _three_ , and he couldn’t survive much longer going to bed at midnight.

Which is why he gave up, most nights, and ended up curled up with Calum on the couch, watching whatever was on that didn’t require too many brain cells to comprehend.

Only Calum liked to make it hard, complaining whenever Luke put too much pressure on his right side, and Luke was starting to resent his generous offer to take care of him.

“Hey, you think you can stop in at mum and dad’s tomorrow after work? I need deodorant.”

Luke frowned. “I have deodorant. You’ve been using it for the last five days.”

Calum sighed. “I know. But I miss mine.”

Luke was tired and quickly becoming annoyed. “I’m not going to drop in on your parents for _deodorant_ , Calum.”

“Please?”

Luke sighed, sitting up and leant against the arm of the couch, away from Calum. “You know, it’d just make sense if you just moved in,” he mumbled moodily.

“Do you mean that?”

“Mean what?” Luke demanded, letting out a tired sigh.

“Me moving in.”

Luke blinked and looked over at Calum, who had muted the TV and had a strange look on his face. Luke contemplated the thought, of what it would mean if Calum moved in. He spent most of his time there anyway, even before his knee injury. It _did_ make sense, but was it moving too fast?

“I…don’t know,” Luke admitted slowly.

Calum nodded, biting at his bottom lip. “Look, I know I’ve been a pain in the ass lately,” he sighed. “The whole knee thing is really hard to deal with because I was _just_ getting back to normal. It’s frustrating to go to practice and not be able to train with the boys. I know a lot has fallen onto your shoulders and I’m honestly sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Luke said softly. “I mean, yeah, you’ve been annoying,” he smiled. “But it’s nice having you around.”

Calum reached out and curled a finger through Luke’s belt loop, and gave it a tug. “Should we make it official?”

Luke looked down at his crooked finger, tugging his lip ring into his mouth as he considered it. The idea of coming home to _their_ place was something he could easily get swept up in. But he had to think rationally, and after three and a half months of dating, things were really good. But did that mean they should make the decision based on a whim?

“What are you thinking?” Calum questioned softly. “Is it too much? I don’t want to push you, this is your place.”

“No,” Luke said quickly, his hand resting on Calum’s thigh. “I want to. Let’s make this our place, okay?”

Calum smiled, leaning over to brush their lips together, and Luke didn’t miss the wince that tugged his lips into a straight line.

“Let’s go to bed,” Luke mumbled softly, cupping Calum’s jaw.

“Yeah?” Calum asked suggestively, tugging on the belt loop again.

Luke snorted. “You’re not getting laid. I have to be up in five hours and you have torn knee ligaments.”

Calum groaned, letting his head fall back against the couch. “God dammit,” he sighed. “I really should find out the name of the guy that floored me during the game and send him an angry letter.”

Luke laughed, taking the remote and turned off the TV and got up off the couch. “C’mon,” he said, extending a hand towards the older man. “You can bitch about not getting laid in bed, at least then I can fall asleep and block you out.”

Calum pouted, taking his hand and stood slowly, reaching for his crutches. “You _wound_ me, Hemmings. Seriously, it’s not bad enough I have an injury, now you’re _cockblocking_ me?”

Luke rolled his eyes and made sure Calum was situated with his crutches, and went about turning off the lights. “You’ll survive.”

Calum mumbled something unintelligible in response, and Luke couldn’t help but smile.

**

Luke muffled a yawn behind his hand, his eyes sweeping over his year eleven class. The comprehension exam he’d surprised on them at the start of class was keeping them quiet; heads down and pens scribbling furiously. He was grateful for the quiet, able to sneak in some preparation for his afternoon lessons.

He was counting down to the weekend, looking forward to moving in a few of Calum’s things on Friday, and then babysitting Ruby on Saturday. He just hoped he could stay awake for the important milestones.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he could imagine the text from Calum. No doubt it’d be about needing more toilet paper, or his daily picture of Calum’s view of the TV. He’d started working out in the past week, stretching his knee and getting on the road to recovery. It meant he was slightly more independent, and he’d stopped asking Luke to do mundane tasks and was finally taking responsibility of the washing up, and checking the mail.

But he didn’t expect Ashton’s name on the screen, and he frowned, expecting bad news. Ashton barely had time to eat during his busy day, let alone send a text.

Luke unlocked his phone and pressed the messages tab and opened the text.

 _You were right_ the caption read, and there was a link pasted into the box. Luke clicked on it, intrigued as to what he was so _right_ about and as soon as the gossip page loaded, he wished with all his heart that he was wrong.

There was a series of candid photos that left very little to the imagination. It was quite obvious that Harry – that _asshole_ – was wrapped up in the arms of another man, their mouths joined in quite an intimate kiss.

The photos were time stamped – taken only the day before in Los Angeles.

 _Shit, shit, shit_ Luke typed in reply to Ashton, following it up with a few sad smiley faces.

_Do you think he knows?_

Luke bit down on his lip ring, looking up at his students before back down at his phone. _Who knows? Mikey lives under a rock most of the time._

_I’m gonna call him. Feel him out._

Luke wasn’t sure if Ashton was the right person, but things between himself and Michael hadn’t been great since their fight. They’d spoken since, but it was obvious that Michael was still holding onto the hurt from their conversation, and unfortunately, Luke didn’t have the time or emotional capacity to fix things one hundred percent.

 _Just go easy,_ Luke advised. _He’s going to be totally pissed so use kid gloves._

_Confirms my thoughts. That guy is an asshole._

Luke bit down on his lip again, and let out a soft sigh. _Don’t say that to Mikey. Just…go easy._

_I will. I’ll let u know how I go._

Luke locked his phone and put it back in his pocket, trying to resist contacting Michael himself. He knew the other man would blame himself, as misguided as that was. He’d feel stupid, and he’d be defensive, and Luke wished he’d tried harder to fix things instead of leaving them as they were.

“Sir?”

He looked up, pushing away his guilt and worry and focused on his students.

**

“Ashton?”

The man in question nodded, standing in the doorway to Luke’s office, his hands braced against the doorframe.

Luke frowned, sitting back in his seat, checking the time on his computer. It was only ten minutes into his lunch break on a Thursday, and to say he was surprised to see Ashton – wearing suit pants, a Nirvana t-shirt and a red bandana taming his curls – was an understatement.

“I did something,” Ashton admitted breathlessly, entering the office and shut the door behind him.

Luke’s forehead was still creased in a frown. “What are you _doing_ here?”

Ashton sat down in the spare chair opposite Luke’s desk, bracing his hands on the arm rests. “I blew off work,” he explained, shrugging slowly. “I just couldn’t concentrate.”

“Okay?” Luke said slowly. “It still doesn’t explain why you are here. At school.” He fought the urge to make a Mean Girls reference that Ashton doesn’t even _go there_ , but he refrained. “What’s up?”

“Okay,” Ashton began, his shoulders sagging as he picked up a Lego figurine of Luke Skywalker that was tucked underneath a stray piece of paper. “You know how I sent you that text on Tuesday? About Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“Alright,” Ashton swallowed. “So, after work I went to Michael’s place and didn’t let on that I knew anything, but I could tell he’d seen the pictures. He was really down and didn’t want to talk about it, but I sort of admitted I knew too, and he got really mad. Like, meltdown mad.”

“Yeah, I expected something like that,” Luke nodded.

“He kept yelling and said how we were all right, Harry was shit and he was stupid to think he’d change.”

Luke sighed.

“So I told him it wasn’t his fault, right? He wasn’t stupid for believing him, and we weren’t all gloating about being right. And then he started crying.”

“What?” Luke asked in disbelief. “He…he _cried_?”

Ashton nodded. “It was so weird. I’ve only even seen him cry once, and that was when Cal sack whacked him accidentally with a tennis ball.”

Luke smirked.

“So I panicked a little, because Michael is just sitting there and he’s only wearing boxers and an old t-shirt and he’s _crying_ , and I was totally out of my depth, so I hugged him.”

“Okay?”

“And one thing led to another and we slept together.”

Luke frowned, his mouth falling open in a mix of confusion and surprise as he replayed Ashton’s words over in his head. “You… _slept_ with him?”

“Yeah,” Ashton admitted, biting down on his bottom lip.

“You mean, _sex_?” Luke clarified, dropping his voice to a whisper, as if the walls had ears.

“Yes,” Ashton stressed. “We had sex, Luke. And he cried a little bit and I felt like total fucking shit because it was good sex, and he was just sad.”

“You had sex,” Luke repeated dumbly, unable to comprehend what Ashton was telling him. “You had _sex_?”

“God, _yes_ ,” Ashton said, sighing in annoyance. “Would you fucking _catch up_ already?”

Luke swallowed, pressing his lips together. “Okay, sorry,” he mumbled. “I just don’t see how you comforting him led to sex.”

Ashton’s cheeks coloured somewhat. “I don’t know either. I don’t even know who made the first move. But one second we were sitting there on the couch, and the next minute we were kissing, and then he had his mouth on my di-“

“Alright!” Luke said quickly, interrupting Ashton as his cheeks turned pink. “I don’t need a play by play.”

Ashton smiled ruefully. “Right, sorry. I’m just as confused as you are.”

Luke leant back in his chair, letting out a breath. “Well, how did you leave things?”

Ashton averted his eyes.

“Oh no,” Luke mumbled. “You snuck out, didn’t you?”

“Well, no,” Ashton said slowly. “We just…after it was over we got dressed and he didn’t even really _look_ at me, you know? We didn’t talk and when I tried to hug him, he stiffened up. I guess I sort of just…left.”

Luke dug his phone out of his pocket to check there weren’t any messages he might’ve missed from Michael. He felt sick to know that Michael felt like he couldn’t reach out, and Luke made a promise to himself to _fix_ this.

Michael was obviously sitting home alone, heartbroken over Harry, and dealing with the emotions of sleeping with one of his best friends. Luke couldn’t believe how selfish he’d been to push him aside, and he hated the idea of Michael trying to cope alone.

“I tried calling him yesterday morning, but he didn’t answer. I tried again last night, and again this morning and he just texted me and told me to stop. He didn’t need the _morning after sex text_.”

Luke groaned, pressing his fingertips to his temples. “Shit, Ash.”

“Tell me about it,” the other man sighed. “Am I crazy stupid for doing this? Taking advantage of him?”

“No,” Luke eased softly. “No, he’s an adult, you’re both adults. You slept together because you wanted to.”

“I just feel like I fucked up our friendship,” Ashton admitted. “He’s not interested in me, you know? He’s upset about his stupid, cheating boyfriend.”

Luke nibbled on his lip ring. “Do you…have feelings for him?”

Ashton cleared his throat, sitting up straighter in his seat. “I…I wouldn’t say that.”

“Ash,” Luke said softly. “You do?”

“I don’t know,” Ashton huffed. “He’s Michael and I’ve known him since I was fifteen. We’re not compatible in any way, shape or form, but we happened to have amazing sex. I don’t know _what_ I feel.”

Luke stayed quiet.

“It’s not like it matters,” Ashton insisted. “He’s into Harry, and he just…slipped up with me, that’s all.”

“It’s not a slip up,” Luke insisted softly. “If he wasn’t into it, he wouldn’t have done it.”

“I know,” Ashton nodded. “I just feel like I fucked up big time. I don’t know what to do.”

“Go see him again,” Luke advised. “Go now. Explain how you feel and that you want to make sure you two are okay.”

“I don’t know,” Ashton said uneasily. “I don’t want to push anything onto him.”

“Well, it’s not like he’s going to reach out,” Luke pointed out. “The ball is completely in your court.”

“I kind of hate that about him,” Ashton mumbled. “He doesn’t take responsibility for anything. It’s always his way or the highway.”

“That’s Michael,” Luke nodded. “We all knew that.”

Ashton sighed. “I know. Shit, I’m sorry for just showing up here. You’re busy. Cal’s moving in, right?”

Luke nodded, dropping his pen down on a stack of exams. “His knee is coming good and Ben is giving us a hand to move some stuff in tomorrow night.”

“That’s great, Luke,” Ashton smiled. “Really, for the both of you. It’s nice to see you guys making it work.”

Luke smiled sadly, reaching out to pat Ashton’s forearm. “If you like him, Ash, it’s okay.”

“I know,” the older man sighed. “It just doesn’t make sense. _We_ don’t make sense.”

“Go and see him, alright? Will you do that for me?”

Ashton looked uneasy, but nodded his head all the same.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as you can see...Mashton happened. I swear that I don't even plan it, it just *happens*. Like they can't help themselves, which I think makes sense. Michael is impulsive and Ashton is a dreamer. They go together so well, I love it!
> 
> Keep those comments coming, I looooove them!
> 
> Special thanks to calisapuppy, bigJ, rejectclifford, rocketmail, Coco_Decon and ishallsinkwithmyships for their lovely comments!
> 
> xoxo


	9. Chapter 9

“You look like shit.”

Luke frowned, looking down at his wrinkled t-shirt and skinny jeans, and then back up at his brother. “Well _excuse me_ for having a full time job.”

Ben laughed, clapping him on the shoulder as he stepped over the threshold and into Luke’s house.

“Anyway, I should be saying that to _you_! You’re the one not sleeping and trying to keep a tiny human alive.”

“True,” Ben nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. “But things have been great this past week. It’s like we hit six weeks of living together and she’s realized she’s stuck with us and decided to just give in and sleep through the night.”

“Yeah?” Luke grinned, leading the way into the kitchen where he was making himself a cup of coffee, gesturing to his cup in offer to his brother.

Ben nodded, sitting down at the barstool at the counter. “So, where’s boy wonder? I thought the idea of me coming over meant I had to help your injured lover move his shit.”

Luke rolled his eyes and got another mug out of the cupboard, and the freshly ground coffee from the fridge. He very rarely had instant coffee anymore, after being spoilt with a fancy Italian machine last Christmas, a combined gift from his family.

“He should be on his way back with the first load. Ashton showed up an hour ago and they decided to do a trip in the ute.”

“Right,” Ben nodded. “So you’re here, making your fancy coffee and avoiding the heavy lifting.”

Luke narrowed his eyes at his brother, frothing the milk efficiently. “Do you _want_ me to ruin your coffee?”

Ben grinned, drumming his fingers against the benchtop. “So this is a big step, you know. Moving in.”

“I know,” Luke said softly, gently layering milk and then foam into the mug. “It makes sense though, you know? He’s here all the time anyway, and when his knee was really bad he needed the help.”

“You know what this means, right?”

Luke raised a brow and looked over at Ben before sliding the mug towards him. “What? Do I want to know?”

Ben laughed. “You’re now further ahead with Calum than Jack is with Celeste.”

“Great,” Luke said sarcastically. “Another thing he can hate me for.”

“He doesn’t _hate_ you, Lukey. He’s just emotionally stunted. Middle child and all.”

Luke made his cup of coffee quickly, leaning against the kitchen counter. “So, tell me about tomorrow night? Sarah still okay with leaving Ruby for the first time?”

“Yeah,” Ben nodded, taking a cautious sip from his mug. “I mean, she’s being a little obsessive, and it’s good you’re staying at our place. I think that eases her mind.”

Luke nodded. “No, it’s good. It makes sense, all of Ruby’s stuff is there, and she can go to sleep in her bassinette.”

“Every time I put her in it, it’s like she gets bigger and bigger. I can’t believe it’s been six weeks, Luke. I can’t imagine my life before she was born.”

Luke smiled, curling his fingers around his mug, and inhaled the scent of coffee wafting from the top. Hearing Ben talk about fatherhood always made him think of the future, even if he was trying to quell that hopelessly idealistic part of himself.

“The men have returned!”

Luke rolled his eyes at the sound of Calum’s booming voice, and he abandoned his mug to cross through the dining room to the front door, laying eyes on his boyfriend.

Calum was relying on a cane, his knee in a restrictive brace. But his smile had returned to his eyes now he was able to get up and move around, and the physio – despite being painful – was getting him closer and closer to a full recovery.

“Hi baby,” he greeted, pressing a kiss to Luke’s cheek when he was close enough.

“Hey,” Luke murmured, curling into him for a moment. “Where’s Ash?”

Calum sighed, rolling his eyes. “On the phone to Mikey.”

Luke hadn’t been able to keep the gossip from Calum, spilling Ashton’s secret the moment he’d seen him later that day. Calum’s reaction had been just as epic, and they’d had an intense discussion full of pros and cons of just how the entire situation could fuck up their friendship.

But at the end of the day, Luke and Calum wanted Michael and Ashton to be happy, either together or apart.

“They’re talking?”

Calum snorted. “They did a lot more than talk yesterday.”

Luke’s jaw fell open, and he stared past Calum out into the front yard to see Ashton leaning up against Calum’s ute, phone pressed to his ear. “Again?” he whispered softly.

“Mhm,” Calum confirmed. “He dropped in to talk, and they slept together again.”

“Wow,” Luke breathed softly. “So this could be a thing.”

“What could be a thing?”

Luke almost forgot about Ben’s presence, and jolted slightly in Calum’s arms. “Hey! Right! Ben’s here.”

Calum laughed, leaving Luke’s side to hobble to Ben, pulling him into an affectionate hug. “Hey man. Thanks for your help.”

“It’s the least I can do,” Ben grinned, patting him heartily on the back. “You are babysitting my kid tomorrow night, after all.”

“Ahh right,” Calum nodded, letting him go. “You do realize that involves Luke buzzing around like a mother hen while I try to keep him from dressing up your baby in fifty different outfits?”

“Hey!” Luke pouted. “I resent that.”

“Am I wrong?” Calum questioned cheekily.

Luke just blushed and stepped outside to greet Ashton.

The other man was still on the phone, but raised his hand in a wave, and hung up the call shortly after.

“Hey!” He called, crossing toward the front porch. “How’s it going?”

“You slept with him again?” Luke asked by way of greeting, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Jesus, your boyfriend can’t keep a secret to save his life.”

Luke punched weakly at Ashton’s shoulder. “What’s going on with you two, hm? I mean, do you realize what you’re doing?”

Ashton rolled his eyes, sliding his phone into the tight pocket of his jeans. “Yes, Luke. I’m having incredible sex with Michael, and he – hopefully – is having incredible sex with me.”

Luke wrinkled his nose in annoyance. “Don’t be a dick. I mean that he has a broken heart, and are you sure sleeping with him is best right now?”

Ashton bit down on his bottom lip and sighed. “I don’t know, okay? I went over there to talk to him yesterday and he seemed better. But we just ending up kissing and one thing led to another. Again.”

“Look,” Luke sighed. “I’m not judging, but I love you both and…I don’t know.”

Ashton smiled and leant in, pressing a kiss to Luke’s cheek. “I love you for it, okay? The worry? But we’re good.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Fine. But just keep me in the loop, yeah? I’m going to try and call Mikey tomorrow, to smooth things over.”

“Good,” Ashton nodded. “I think that’d be good for him. He might want to talk to you about this stuff with me and him.”

Luke narrowed his eyes at his friend, and hummed softly. “You’re all grown up.”

Ashton laughed. “That usually happens over time. I’m 26 now you know.”

Luke pulled him into a quick hug. “Well stop it, okay?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

**

Luke let out an exhausted sigh, crawling in between the sheets to flop heavily down onto the mattress, curling close to Calum.

“You alright?”

Luke nodded, nuzzling into the soft fabric of Calum’s grey t-shirt. “Tired.”

“Mhm,” Calum agreed softly.

It was almost midnight, and after three trips to Calum’s parent’s house, he was all moved in.

Mostly.

There were a few boxes that would need unpacking, and Luke still had to clean out half the closet to make way for Calum’s clothes, but he was moved in.

Officially.

Calum yawned, rolling onto his side to face Luke, his hands settling on his lower back. “So, we can’t go back now,” he mumbled into his hair.

“Yeah,” Luke agreed sleepily. “You live here now. I think we’re in it for the long haul.”

“We should seal it with a kiss.”

Luke grinned, his head tucked up under Calum’s chin, his hands sneaking up underneath his t-shirt. “Oh should we?” he murmured.

Calum laughed softly, pulling Luke closer. “I mean, it would make it official.”

“More official then your crap all over my house?”

“Hey,” Calum pouted. “You invited my crap into your house. _Our_ house.”

Luke sighed. “That’s true.” He pulled back, his eyes blinking open to find Calum’s in the darkness of their room. “Alright, lay it on me.”

Calum laughed, raising his hand to run his fingertips over Luke’s jaw before leaning in, brushing their mouths together softly.

“S’all I get?” Luke mumbled softly.

Calum let out a soft, playful growl and pressed his lips harder to Luke’s. “Better?”

Luke let out a soft laugh, his eyes shut as his lips met Calum’s again, his hand sliding over his shoulder and up to his neck, fingers caressing his throat gently.

He was so warm; so solid and real, and Luke was so _in love_ with him it was crazy. He’d been there forever, and Luke couldn’t believe his stupidity, how wrong it felt to not have done this all their lives. He’d spent years crushing on Calum, trying to convince his lovesick heart that he wasn’t in love with his best friend, while his head knew all along.

The jealousy whenever Calum hooked up with someone on a Saturday night, the sick satisfaction when he broke up with his boyfriend when they were eighteen. All of his memories were tied to Calum in some way, and Luke wasn’t willing to waste any more time on being stupid. Not when he finally got his guy.

He let out a soft noise, pushing Calum onto his back as their lips separated for a moment, before Luke was crawling on top of the other man to join them back together.

Calum groaned as Luke’s knee accidentally knocked against his brace and he broke the kiss.

“Shit,” Luke whispered, pushing back the sheets and sitting back on Calum’s thighs. “Are you okay?” he asked hurriedly, turning to press his fingertips lightly against the circle of skin on his kneecap that showed through the brace.

“Yeah,” Calum groaned softly, his own hand coming to press against the outside of his knee. “Just fucking hurts.”

Luke chewed on his lip ring, his hands reaching down to rest on Calum’s chest. “I’m really sorry.”

Calum opened his eyes, managing a pained smile. “I know.”

Luke smiled back at him, careful as he shifted a little, keeping his foot away from the brace that covered Calum’s leg from his lower thigh to his calf muscle, tough fabric and Velcro holding the joint in place.

“It’s okay,” Calum sighed out softly.

Luke bit at his lip ring and leant down, nudging his nose against Calum’s. “Here I was,” he began softly, dotting a kiss over the corner of the other man’s mouth, “trying to be sexy, and I end up hurting you.”

Calum laughed softly, cupping Luke’s cheek and ran his fingers over the stubble that dotted his skin. “Baby, you don’t have to _try_ to be sexy. You just are.”

Luke blushed, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment. “I wanna make it up to you.”

“Yeah?” Calum breathed.

Luke nodded, biting at Calum’s bottom lip gently. “For hurting you.”

“You didn’t,” Calum assured him. “Just aches.”

“Oh,” Luke smiled. “In that case.” He sat up, moving to roll back to his side of the bed, but Calum’s fingers tightened over his hips.

“Did I say didn’t?” he questioned with a sly grin. “I meant did. You _totally_ hurt me. Probably tore my ACL. I think you should uh, make it up to me.”

Luke laughed, his hands settling on Calum’s chest again. “Is that so? How about I give you a little kiss? Anything more than that might make it worse.”

“I can take it,” Calum assured him.

Luke smiled. “See, I thought it’d be _me_ who’d be taking it,” he murmured, his cheeks feeling hot as he blushed.

“ _Shit_ ,” Calum whispered, his hands sliding down Luke’s thighs. “You’re incredible, you know that?”

Luke leant down, kissing him gently as his hands moved up to cup Calum’s jaw. “I love you,” he whispered softly. “So we’re going to get naked and seal moving in with a really good orgasm.”

“Okay,” Calum agreed, nodding his head. “Whatever you say, babe.”

Luke laughed softly before sitting up, and peeled off his t-shirt.

**

“How’s your knee?”

“Hm?” Calum mumbled, his eyes closed and his arm around Luke’s shoulders.

Luke smiled, tracing his index finger around Calum’s nipple, breaking the silence in their post-sex haze. “Your knee?”

“Oh,” Calum murmured, yawning. “Hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” Luke said softly, pulling the sheet and blankets up further over their naked bodies.

 “Babe, you just rode me like a prize winning steed, there is _nothing_ to apologize for.”

Luke laughed, his eyes falling shut and let Calum’s even breaths him guide him into sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!!!!
> 
> I meant to post this last night as a Christmas gift but there was so much food and celebrating going on that I was so exhausted that I crashed instead! I hope everyone had a great day, and if you don't celebrate the holiday, I hope your day was great too!
> 
> As a Christmas present...I think everyone should comment on this chapter! :P
> 
> Special thanks to ishallsinkwithmyships, daisy_maus, calisapuppy, thominhoplease, Coco_Decon, rocketmail, calum_xxx_hood, Lukesnotpunk & foolanyfriend for their awesome comments on the last chapter!
> 
> Oh, and I guess it's time I announce something...I have written a Mashton side piece to this story, which is entirely from their point of view, as this story carries out. You can expect it up on here after 'Lay Me Down' is finished. :) 
> 
> xoxo


	10. Chapter 10

“Okay, so I expressed enough for her night time bottles, but there is an emergency supply in the freezer. If you need to use it, just run the container under warm water until it’s thawed.”

Luke nodded but he was barely listening, cradling Ruby in his arms and rocking her from side to side. She looked up at him with her blue eyes that had only become bluer since she was born. His mum often made a joke how she looked more like Luke’s daughter than Ben’s, and Ben was always proud to acknowledge the similarities, assuring their mother it meant Ruby would be as beautiful as her uncle.

Luke never let on, but he secretly loved that she looked so much like him. She had a few soft blonde strands of hair, and long legs that she loved kicking, even as he soothingly rocked her from side to side.

“She’ll go down around 7,” Sarah continued. “Just change her and feed her in the nursery, and put her down in her bassinette. I moved it into the spare room so you two can go to bed if you want.”

“Luke,” Calum murmured softly, his elbow nudging into his ribs gently. “You might want to pay attention.”

Luke looked up and saw Sarah’s smile, and he grinned impishly. “Sorry,” he grinned. “She’s kind of distracting.”

“Here,” Calum said, gently lifting her out of his arms and whisked her away from the kitchen. “Now Uncle Lukey can concentrate.”

Luke pouted and watched them go, but he knew he’d have an entire evening to watch Calum with Ruby.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Sarah asked and Luke turned back to her. “She’s so high maintenance that sometimes I feel like _I_ can’t even do it.”

Luke watched her as she put on her earrings, and admired how beautiful she was. She’d been Ben’s high school sweetheart, with dark brown hair and bright hazel eyes, and she fit into the Hemmings family so fast that everyone knew it was only a matter of time until they got married.

They had almost three years previously, and Luke had already formed a strong bond with her before she was ever officially his sister. She’d always seen the relationship he had with Ben, and always insisted they have time together, even when they found out they were expecting.

“I honestly, completely, one-hundred-percent don’t mind,” Luke smiled, watching her struggle to put on her necklace. He took it out of her hands and easily fixed it around her neck, adjusting the heart pendant against her skin.

“I’m really nervous to leave her,” Sarah sighed, sliding on her engagement ring next, and smoothed down the fabric of her black dress. “But I have to keep reminding myself that I’m going back to work eventually. That I need to learn to be apart from her.”

Luke nodded. “Exactly. Little trips like this are good.”

“I still wish I didn’t have to go,” Sarah admitted, easing her shoes on. “But, it’s not every day that my little sister turns eighteen.”

“Exactly,” Luke smiled. “Have a nice time, and enjoy it.”

She smiled appreciatively, and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you Luke. You and Calum. I know she’s safe with you two.”

Luke smiled widely. “I’m just blown away that you trust me, honestly.”

She gave him a crazy look. “There’s no one more qualified than her favourite uncle. Or _uncles_ ,” she teased.

Luke blushed. “One step at a time,” he scolded playfully.

She laughed. “Well, use tonight as practice,” she advised. “If you can make it in one piece, then it’s meant to be.”

“I already know it’s meant to be,” he admitted softly.

Sarah stopped from where she was putting her phone into her purse. “Really?”

“Yes,” Luke nodded, shoving his hands into his tight pockets. “I’ve known from the start.”

“Oh Lukey,” she smiled, and pulled him into a hug. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Shit, my wife and my brother? Did I walk into a Jerry Springer episode?”

Luke rolled his eyes and let Sarah go to look at Ben. “Yeah, your wife and your _gay_ brother.”

Ben laughed and pulled him into a quick hug. “Just busting your balls.” He pressed a kiss to his wife’s cheek, and leant up against the counter. “So, you ready? It doesn’t get much realer than this.”

“We’re up to the challenge,” Luke nodded. “But don’t you need to get going soon? You’ve got a long drive up the coast.”

Ben checked his watch. “Yeah, we do. We should leave in the next ten.”

Sarah pouted. “I’m not ready to leave her.”

“Babe,” Ben said softly. “We talked about this.”

She sighed. “I know, okay? It’s not anything other than mummy guilt.”

Luke gave them a moment and went to find Calum. The older man was in the living room nursing Ruby, singing softly under his breath. Luke didn’t recognize the song until he was close, and then he was shocked.

“You’re singing _Stacey’s Mum_ to a six week old?”

Calum turned abruptly and stopped singing, a guilty look on his face. “It was literally the only song I could think of! It was either that, or _Pony_ by Ginuwine, so I think I did alright.”

Luke snorted and rolled his eyes, leaning over to press a kiss to Ruby’s cheek. “She’s just so cute.”

“I know,” Calum said softly, straightening the pink beanie on her head. “And she’s so _awake_. I expected her to just sleep all the time.”

Luke looked at his watch. “It’s only four. Sarah said she’ll crash around 7.”

“Oh, and then we could…” Calum murmured suggestively, raising his eyebrows.

Luke rolled his eyes. “No! Don’t be crass! She’s sleeping in our room with us, and I’m not subjecting her to our bare asses.”

“No fun,” Calum pouted.

“Oh shut up,” Luke insisted. “Anyway, I’m still a little tender from last night.”

Calum groaned, looking down at the baby. “Can you please tell your Uncle Luke that talking like _that_ doesn’t help Uncle Calum at all?”

Luke smiled, the suggestive nature of their conversation forgotten as he watched Calum press a kiss to Ruby’s forehead, her tiny fingers wrapped around one of his.

“Uncle Calum?” he questioned softly.

Calum’s cheeks were pink when he looked over at Luke, and he shrugged a shoulder. “I _love_ her, Luke. I love her, and you, and your family. I want to be a part of your family.”

Luke leant in and kissed him softly, one arm wrapping around his shoulders. “You are,” he whispered against his lips. “You’re my family, you’re in this.”

Calum hugged him close, pressing soft, gentle kisses to his mouth until they were interrupted by someone clearing their throat.

“Don’t gay all over my baby,” Ben insisted jokingly.

Luke rolled his eyes and stepped back. “You know when to ruin a good moment, you jerk.”

Ben grinned and lifted Ruby out of Calum’s arms. “I’ve been ruining moments since the day you were born.”

“Oh, I know,” Luke mumbled, his arm staying around Calum’s shoulders as the other man’s curled around his waist.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Sarah sighed, joining them in the living room. “Did you put my breast pump in the car?”

“I sure did,” Ben nodded, pressing kisses to Ruby’s cheeks. “Now, you be good for your uncles, young lady.”

Sarah pouted and stepped close to her husband and caressed the baby’s head. “Mummy is so sorry she’s leaving,” she mumbled. “But I love you so much and I’ll be here when you wake up in the morning.”

“She’s going to be fine,” Luke smiled.

“I know,” Sarah smiled. “Now, she’ll probably wake up around 10:30 for her next bottle, but she should sleep through the night after that. It’s a long drive to the party, but we should be home around 2 at the latest, I hope.”

Ben nodded. “We’ll bail out around midnight and come home,” he promised.

Sarah lifted Ruby from her husband’s arms and pressed kisses to her cheeks. “Okay,” she whispered shakily. “Take her Lukey, or I’m going to cry.”

Luke quickly stepped up and lifted Ruby out of her arms, moving her to rest against his broad shoulder. He gave Sarah a quick hug and a kiss to the cheek, and then the nervous parents were gone.

They waited until the car had backed out of the driveway before speaking, and Calum let out a soft laugh.

“I’m nervous,” he admitted with a grin.

Luke laughed, rubbing Ruby’s back. “Me too, a little. I hope it all goes to plan.”

Calum stepped close and pressed a kiss to Luke’s lips. “There’s no other option.”

**

Luke vaguely registered the sound of Calum’s voice, but he was trying desperately to hold onto sleep, feeling the weightlessness start to drag him down once again, as Calum’s voice tapered off into silence once more.

He sighed, nuzzling further into his pillow and relaxed, waiting for Calum to curl around his back like he had when they’d gone to bed.

It hadn’t been too long after nine, after doing their best at taking care of Ruby; changing her and feeding her and putting her to bed by seven. As nice as it had been, it was tiring, and Luke was more than happy to crawl into the spare queen bed in Ben and Sarah’s spare room.

When Calum’s warmth didn’t return, Luke assumed he went to the bathroom, and gave himself over to sleep again. Just as he was on the brink, light flooded the room and made his eyes ache, even behind his eyelids.

“Luke?”

Luke groaned, pressing his eyes shut tighter.

“Luke, wake up,” Calum whispered, hand on his shoulder.

Luke wasn’t awake enough to understand the urgency as Calum’s gentle prodding went to a sharp shake of his shoulder.

“Luke,” Calum said again, voice a little louder.

“Whaaat?” Luke whined softly. “Is the baby up?”

“No,” Calum mumbled. “Your mum called. I answered your phone.”

Luke’s eyes fluttered open before falling shut again, the bright light of the room harsh against his vision.

“Luke,” Calum demanded, his voice becoming exasperated. “Jesus, your mum called and you _have_ to wake up.”

Luke sighed, opening his eyes again, and rolled onto his back. He blinked a few times and looked over at Calum, who was sitting stiffly beside him, bottom lip tucked between his teeth and his face pale and sickly.

“Are you okay?” Luke asked, sitting up quickly, pressing his hand to Calum’s forehead. “Are you sick? Maybe you should go home so Ruby doesn’t catch it.”

Calum’s hand grabbed at his wrist, and pressed Luke’s hand between the two of his. “I need you to listen to me, Luke.”

Luke frowned, looking down at his hand. “What is it?” he questioned, looking back up to Calum’s eyes.

Calum looked away.

“Cal?” Luke questioned nervously. “Is it Ruby? Is she okay?”

Calum nodded quickly. “Yeah, she’s fine. Still sleeping. I fed her about an hour and a half ago.”

“Oh,” Luke said softly. “I didn’t even hear her cry.”

“Luke, your mum called.”

He blinked. “Why?”

Calum went back to looking sick, and paused considerably before sighing. “Ben and Sarah were in a car accident coming back from Emma’s party.”

Luke frowned at Calum, his brain suspended on one word.

 _Accident_.

Luke could remember all the accidents he had when he was a kid – scraped knee from trying to skateboard like Jack, four stitches in his elbow when he came off his bike. He could remember falling from the monkey bars on the fort in the backyard when he was twelve, how Jack had screamed for their mother and she’d come running.

_It was an accident! I didn’t push him!_

Luke had always wondered if his big brother had been the one to give him a gentle nudge. He’d been afraid to swing out, crouching on the wooden ledge and his hands curled over the yellow bar, looking down at the ground before chickening out.

Jack had nudged him in the back multiple times, calling him a wuss and telling him to move. It had been raining for a week straight, and it was the first morning that was somewhat dry, and their mum had insisted they burn off some energy in the back yard.

Luke swung out after Jack insisted he’d push him for real, and his hands slipped on the wet bar, and he slammed into the ground. The pain in his left arm told him that it was bad, and Jack seemed to reach the same point, and had called for their mum.

She’d been concerned the moment she found him on the ground, arm cradled to his chest and silent tears rushing down his cheeks. It was the worst accident he’d ever had, a broken arm and a cast for six weeks.

But what Calum was talking about, a _car_ accident, sounded so much worse.

“We have to go, Luke,” Calum said calmly, squeezing his hand.

Luke looked down at his hand that was still sandwiched between Calum’s, and he nodded. “We’ll need to take Sarah’s car,” he said calmly. “It’s got the baby seat.”

“Alright,” Calum said softly. “Are you okay to get up and get dressed?”

Luke nodded, pulling his hand away from Calum’s, and slowly got out of bed, finding his jeans and green plaid shirt from earlier, and pulled them on slowly, before sitting down to pull on his shoes. He could hear Calum do the same, and then he left the room, and Luke sat for a moment, his mind blank.

He could hear Calum out in the kitchen, probably packing the baby bag with the stock of breastmilk Sarah had left, or sliding his arms into his jacket. Luke shivered at the thought, feeling the coldness of June sink into his bones.

He got up, going to the bassinette to see Ruby, in her fleece onesie with a little beanie on her head, tucked under the flannelette sheet. She was sleeping peacefully, and he was gentle when he picked her up, leaving the sheet behind in favour of wrapping her warmly in his arms.

He padded out of the room and to the nursery, grabbing a few things he thought they’d need, though he wasn’t even aware that he was picking up things that were more random than necessary. When he met Calum in the living room he held a tiny pair of Converse sneakers, a bathing suit and three pairs of socks.

Calum didn’t question it, and packed the items into the pink baby bag.

“Will she be cold?” Luke asked quietly.

Calum held up a wrap, and wordlessly draped it around the sleeping baby.

“Thank you.”

Calum nodded, slinging the bag over his shoulder, while Luke pulled on his jacket; carefully, so he didn’t disturb the baby.

“You drive.”

Calum nodded again, his hand pressing against the small of Luke’s back, and guided them to the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided not to write anything here. About this chapter, anyway. I don't think I NEED to say anything, I just want you guys to read and type the first thing that popped into your head as you read it - rambled thoughts, freak outs, desperate questions, all of it - in the comment box below. xo
> 
> (Side note: special thanks to daisy_maus, ishallsinkwithmyships, rejectclifford, foolanyfriend and calum_xxx_hood for their awesome comments on the last chapter.)
> 
> xoxo


	11. Chapter 11

“Luke.”

Luke could see his parents alongside Jack and Celeste, sitting on uncomfortable waiting room chairs and looking pale and sickly. He couldn’t remember the part of the hospital they were in, or even the _name_ of the hospital.

Calum had driven, and they’d found a park and bundled up the baby and navigated their way through the halls to find his family.

His mum was the first one out of her seat to meet him, holding him close despite Ruby against his chest, and he wrapped an arm around her waist and listened to her let out a soft sob.

“He’s gone, isn’t he?” Luke asked quietly, letting her go to rest his hand against Ruby’s back.

The truth was written over all their faces, the grief and despair in the turned down lines of their lips. His mother had been crying, and his father was stoic. Jack’s head was in his hands, and Celeste tended to him.

“It was a kangaroo,” his mother explained. “They were travelling back from the party, and the police seemed to think they hit a kangaroo out of nowhere.”

The idea was definitely plausible, Luke knew that. Growing up in Australia, kangaroos weren’t only in zoos. He could remember hearing the stories from his uncles who were interstate truck drivers, who insisted that _nothing could stop an eighteen wheeler like a roo._

Luke thought of Ben’s Holden commodore – a vehicle much smaller than an eighteen wheel truck – and thought of how scared his brother would’ve been; to have been unable to stop.

“He was gone by the time the ambulance arrived.”

Luke watched as his mother broke down again, her sobs filling the silent hallways as his father got up to comfort her, steering her back towards her seat. The harder she cried, the angrier Luke felt; not at her, but at _this_ , the bullshit reason his brother was…he couldn’t even _think_ the word.

“Sarah?” he asked.

Luke’s father shook his head. “Her family is on their way.”

“I want to see Ben,” Luke demanded.

“Luke,” Calum said softly, hand on Luke’s back.

“Here,” Luke said, handing the baby over to Calum before turning back to his family. “Where’s Ben? I want to see Ben.”

“You can’t,” Andy insisted.

“Bullshit,” Luke spat angrily. “You’re full of it, all of you. Where _is_ he?”

“He’s gone,” Andy told him, and his mother’s sobs got louder.

Luke could feel the tears build in his eyes, could feel his emotions take over. He’d known, when Calum had woken him and told him of the car accident, he’d _known_. That Ben and Sarah were gone, that his _best friend_ was gone.

But it didn’t hit him, not until the moment he realized that the person he wanted to hug the most, was the one he’d never see again.

He let out a sob, pressing his closed fist to his mouth, coughing against the harsh feeling in his throat, looking at Ruby against Calum’s chest and could feel the pain punch through him, again and again.

“Ben,” he demanded, turning to look at his family through blurred vision. “I want to see him. Where’s Ben?”

Jack stood, approaching him quickly and tugged him against his broad chest. “It’s okay, Lukey.”

Luke fought him, shoving at his strong chest, because he wasn’t the brother he wanted. Not the brother he depended on.

“Stop,” Jack said softly, his arms locking tightly around Luke’s shoulders. “He’s gone.”

“No!” Luke sobbed, shoving at Jack, trying to get rid of him. “He has a baby! He’s meant to be here for her! For me!”

He could hear his mother sobbing, could hear Ruby whimpering against Calum’s chest. His anger was so real and he wanted to scream and shout and kick and demand to see Ben, to prove that his family were liars, that his big brother wasn’t gone.

He finally broke free of Jack’s arms and wiped angrily at his tears, taking Ruby back from Calum and stalked away from his family and his boyfriend.

Ruby was wailing by the time he stepped into the elevator, and he did his best to comfort her, but maybe she was crying because her heart was broken too.

**

Luke let out a slow, laboured sigh as Sarah’s car came to a stop. He looked up the house he was parked in front of, listening to Calum kill the engine. He wanted to open the door and step out, to find whatever comfort he could within the house’s walls, but he felt rooted to the spot, weighted down by grief.

The sun was rising, casting the sky in a pale orange hue. It was the dawn of a new day, and Luke knew that he’d probably never find any joy in a sunrise again. Not after spending the night trying to calm Ruby, holding her to his chest as he shed tears himself, unable to soothe her when he was so torn up inside.

Calum had found him almost an hour after he’d deserted his family in the random hallway, sitting in the lobby of the hospital on a plush couch trying to rock Ruby back to sleep as teardrops splashed down onto her blanket. She was unsettled, picking up on his emotions and succumbing to them just as he had, and there was no strength left inside of him to pull himself together.

Calum didn’t announce his arrival, just set the baby bag down at their feet and sat down beside Luke, reaching out to take the baby out of his hands, and Luke resisted, not trusting Calum’s warm, familiar hands for a moment, looking at Ruby as she mewled softly, her eyes shut and fists clenched.

Her face set him off in another bout of tears, and he passed her over carefully before he broke down. His shoulders shook, his body crumpling as he gasped for breath. He put his head between his knees but it only seemed to make it worse as his chest started to tighten and his vision started to swim. He wasn’t sure what it was – grief or a heart attack – and he was almost certain he’d prefer the latter.

Calum settled the baby, trying her with a dummy to get her calm down, and it worked quickly, and she was rocked back to sleep in his safe embrace.

Luke had started to dry reach at one point, and Calum’s warm hand on his back reminded him he wasn’t alone.

He hadn’t wanted to stay at the hospital. Didn’t want to be around his family and share their grief. No one could understand just how deeply broken his heart was, no one ever understood his relationship with Ben, their closeness and camaraderie despite their seven year age gap, and Luke wasn’t about to start explaining it now.

He’d asked Calum to take him home, and they’d been almost back to the house when Luke had made a change, which lead them to the cold driveway as dawn was breaking.

“I’ll wait,” Calum promised softly, breaking the still silence.

Luke nodded, using all his strength to turn his head and look at Calum, eyes blank, face emotionless. “I’ll take Ruby.”

“Yeah,” Calum nodded, reaching out to curl his hand around the back of Luke’s neck, tugging him in.

Luke went, limbs too heavy to object, and felt the tears build all over again as his nose was crushed against Calum’s neck. He let out a stuttered sigh and pulled away quickly, running his index fingers under his eyes, smoothing away the tears that were building.

He sucked in a breath and opened the car door, stepping out onto the driveway. It was cold, and Luke could feel it deep down in his bones, and it made him want to crawl back into the warmth of the car and cry a little in Calum’s arms, but his body couldn’t take another breakdown.

He lifted Ruby out of her car seat, reaching for the fluffy fleece blanket he’d draped over her, and wrapped her tightly. He grabbed for the baby bag too, hooking it over his shoulder as he walked up the short path to the front door, and knocked softly.

He didn’t have to wait too long before the door was tugged open, and his dull, lifeless eyes were meeting those of his best friend’s.

“Jesus Luke,” Michael breathed softly, his black hair crazy and sticking up on one side as he pushed his arm through the jumper he was pulling on. “Calum called me earlier, I was going to come up to the hospital.”

“No need,” Luke said lowly, his voice rough from all the crying.

Michael paused, unsure of how to proceed. “D-do you want to come in?”

Luke nodded, and stepped over the threshold of the Clifford house, and shuffled his way down the hallway to the left and into Michael’s man cave. He dropped Ruby’s bag down on the floor and sat down on the couch, nursing the baby carefully in his arms.

Michael followed him into the room, and gingerly sat down beside him on the couch. “Luke, I’m so sorr-“

“I’m sorry,” Luke said softly, cutting him off. “For our fight about Harry,” he rasped. “It was stupid.”

Michael’s jaw fell open, and his brows knitted together. “Wha? I mean…what?” he sputtered. “Luke, Jesus. The last thing you need to be doing right now is apologize.”

Luke shrugged his shoulder, sitting back in his seat. “It was stupid,” he repeated.

Michael sighed, tugging at his hair momentarily. “Are you okay? I mean, I know you’re not,” he began with a sigh. “What can I do?”

Luke looked down at Ruby where she slept against his chest. She was so little, so vulnerable. “Bring her dad back,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“Oh,” Michael whispered softly. “I-I can’t do that, Luke.”

Luke nodded, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “No one can,” he confirmed softly. “I know that. But I feel like if I stop asking, it’ll make the hole in my chest that much wider. Because how is she meant to grow up without her mum and dad?”

“Luke-“

“It’s okay,” Luke mumbled, feeling hot tears slide down his cheeks. “You don’t have to say anything. You know, if Ben was here – if this was anyone _but_ him – he’d just sit with me, hold my hand. D-do you think you could do that for me?”

Michael swallowed and nodded, sliding towards Luke, and held out his hand.

Luke looked down at it; at the short, stubby fingers, and the white, smooth skin. Ben’s hands were always tanned, calloused on the fingertips. He’d made his living working with his hands, and there was always a cut or two over a knuckle, a ragged hangnail here and there.

Luke didn’t want to hold Michael’s hand, but he had no other choice.

He reached out his shaky hand and curled his fingers around Michael’s and it was _wrong._ It was nothing like Ben, nothing like his firm grip and the soft, practiced swipe of his thumb over the back of Luke’s hand.

He’d been there every time Luke had needed him, sat on his bed usually with tissues pressed to his nose as his brother gave him the silence and comfort he needed. Luke could remember when he figured out he was gay. He’d been thirteen and had been in the throes of a crush on Calum for six months when it occurred to him that Ashton was crushing on a girl in the twelfth grade, and Jack was getting off to the lesbian porn magazines hidden under his mattress.

Ben had held his hand through the revelation, after Luke had whispered the words to his big brother. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he uttered the words _I think I’m gay,_ but Ben had only laced their fingers together, like they had done countless times before.

“Luke, I-“

“Don’t,” Luke whispered, one hand curled protectively around Ruby, the other squeezing Michael’s. “Don’t,” he repeated, his shoulders crumbling as he started to sob, gasping for breath.

“I-I don’t know,” Michael whispered. “Let me get Calum.”

“No,” Luke said quickly, gripping his hand. “Just stay, don’t go.”

“The baby is waking up,” Michael pointed out. “Here.”

Had Luke been aware of his surroundings, he’d have been impressed that Michael volunteered to pick up Ruby, dropping his hand in favour of lifting the infant off of his chest, making a nest out of pillows and blankets on the couch, and set her down in the safety of the blankets.

He took Luke’s hand back, squeezing it quickly as Luke completely fell apart, heart-wrenching sobs falling from his lips as he fell apart for the countless time in such a short period of time. He pulled Michael in, curling into him as he sobbed into his neck, tears falling uncontrollably.

Michael did his best, curling his arms tight around Luke and stroking his hair back, knowing now that there were no words he could say to make anything better, there might never be a piece of insight that could ever give Luke the comfort he needed.

Luke sobbed himself to sleep, curled messily into Michael’s side, fingers gripping tightly at his jumper. His shoulders sagged, his breathing slow and laboured. The exhaustion had finally won out, and he was spent.

His only wish was for the entire nightmare to be over when he next opened his eyes.

**

“Luke?”

Luke blinked himself awake, his eyes burning. He focused on Calum, and he could feel tears already start to flood his eyes as he reached up and pulled him down into a fierce embrace.

Calum grunted as he fell awkwardly onto Michael’s couch, careful to keep his knee out of the way, and ran his hand through Luke’s hair. “Hi,” he whispered softly.

“Hey,” Luke mumbled, his throat sore. He sucked in a slow, shaky breath. “Ruby?”

“Gave her a bottle an hour ago and she’s sleeping in the living room, under Karen’s watchful eye.”

Luke nodded, straightening his legs slowly, feeling the muscles begin to ache. “What time is it?”

Calum rolled onto his back and pulled Luke in close, holding up his arm to look at his watch. “Almost nine. Your mum called. A few times.”

Luke nodded, letting out a sigh. “I don’t want to talk. Does that make me awful?”

“No,” Calum mumbled softly, kissing his temple. “She said everyone is meeting for lunch at your parent’s place, to talk about what happens next.”

Funerals.

It made sense. It’s usually the first thing people talked about when a loved one passed. He wondered what kind of funeral Ben would’ve wanted. Luke knew for certain that Ben would’ve wanted his funeral to be in sixty years’ time, after he’d lived an amazing, long life, raising Ruby and any other children he would’ve had with Sarah.

_Sarah._

The guilt Luke felt all of a sudden made him whimper, and he realized for the first time since finding out about the accident, he hadn’t thought of _her_. She was his sister, and Ruby’s mum, and he’d not stopped for a second to think about her family, devastated over losing a daughter, a sister.

She’d been there for Luke over the years, being a guiding light in his life when things got tough. When things were awkward and he didn’t know how to talk to Ben, he’d gone to Sarah when he’d decided he wanted to lose his virginity. 

It had been awkward and quite possibly the most mortifying moment of his life, but she’d hugged him, and told him that seventeen wasn’t too young, that it didn’t make him easy. She’d sat beside him in the study as they did a few google searches, and she made sure he was prepared.

She’d been the first person he’d told after he slept with his high school boyfriend for the first time. Luke had shared things with her that he hadn’t even told Ben (though he suspected Sarah had filled him in, if the hug the day after was anything to go on).

All he could do was beat himself up for not thinking of her, and her parents and sisters. Who’d no doubt be feeling the same devastating loss as he was.

“What are we going to do, Cal?”

Calum sighed. “I don’t know, babe. I think we need to go see your family, talk about this all together.”

Luke nodded with a resigned sigh. “Everyone is just so sad, and I don’t have enough room left inside me for their sad.”

Calum’s lips pressed against his temple again. “Then don’t try and force it,” he advised softly. “Take care of you, and Ruby, that’s it.”

“What about you?”

Calum smiled. “Let me carry some of your sad, okay? I’ve got room.”

Luke’s eyes watered and he turned into Calum’s side, feeling a few tears slide down his cheek. “What if I can’t do it?”

“You can,” Calum insisted. “God Luke, you’re the only one who can, especially for her.”

“Guys?”

Luke lifted his head to see Michael at the doorway and he couldn’t force a smile onto his face.

“Is the baby bag in here? Mum needs to change her nappy.”

Calum sat up to get it for him, and Luke wanted to selfishly keep him close, his warmth the only thing making Luke feel somewhat alive.

“I should,” Luke sighed. “Your mum doesn’t need to watch her, I can.”

“It’s fine,” Michael assured him as Calum handed over the bag. “Just stay here, okay? Rest.”

Luke wanted to argue, wanted to hold Ruby and make sure she knew he was still there, that he wasn’t going anywhere. But then Calum was lying back down on the couch and pulling him in, and Michael was disappearing with the baby bag and Luke just didn’t have enough energy to protest.

He closed his eyes and curled into Calum again, resting his palm over his chest.

“We could go home, later, if you want?” Calum offered softly. “A hot shower and a fresh change of clothes might do you good.”

“I don’t want to move,” Luke said tiredly.

“Okay,” Calum agreed softly. “You just sleep, okay? Take all the time you need.”

For the first time in hours, Luke felt the tiniest bit of relief before dropping off to sleep.

**

Luke was fighting a migraine when he woke up the second time, and managed to pry Ruby from Karen Clifford before setting off for his parent’s place. He dreaded the meeting the entire time they drove there, silence engulfing the car.

He wasn’t any more enthused by the time Calum was parking on the street, the driveway occupied with his dad and Jack’s cars.

“We have to go in,” Calum said softly, reaching over to grip his hand.

“I know,” Luke sighed. “But I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Calum squeezed his hand once more before letting go, and Luke knew he had to get out of the car.

So he did.

His legs were shaky, and he didn’t feel quite settled until Ruby was in his arms, but even then, his brain was telling him to turn and run. Walking into the house wouldn’t make anything better, because every square inch of it would remind him of Ben.

But Calum’s hand was warm against his back, and Luke wanted to sob his gratitude but he knew that would come later. For that present moment, he would draw on Calum’s strength to get him through.

He just hoped that would be enough.

**

“I spoke to Anne and David, and they liked the idea of doing a combined funeral.”

Luke looked down into his untouched cup of coffee, arm cradling Ruby from where he sat at the dining table, keeping his eyes away from the seat that was always occupied by Ben. It hurt too much to look over at the empty chair, to have the realization smash through him yet again.

“I think that’d be nice,” Celeste said softly, her hand joined with Jack’s. “I think it’s what they’d both want.”

“I agree,” Jack murmured croakily.

“Alright,” Liz said softly, pen poised in her hand as she jotted down a few notes on the notepad in front of her. “It wouldn’t hurt to get in touch with their attorney about the wills, first thing on Monday. They may have wishes we aren’t aware of.”

“Good idea,” Andy hummed.

“I think we should have the wake here,” Liz continued. “It makes more sense than travelling up the coast to Anne and David’s.”

“Are we going to have time?” Andy asked softly. “I think it’s better if we hold it at the RSL? Have them cater so we don’t have to worry.”

Liz sighed, her shoulders slumping. “Okay,” she relented. “I just…I wanted to be home, for him.”

“Jesus,” Luke whispered, pushing his seat back noisily, standing up from his seat to leave the room.

“Luke,” Calum murmured softly, catching his wrist.

“We need to talk about this, honey,” Liz insisted. “We need to talk about Ruby.”

Luke looked down at the sleeping baby, before looking at his mother. “Talk about _what_ exactly?”

“About her staying here with me and your father until we figure out a more permanent arrangement.”

Luke felt his knees buckle, and he quickly sat, feeling the colour drain from his face. The idea of being separated from the baby made him feel sick down to his core, made him feel like he was losing consciousness slowly, and he had to hold back a strangled sob.

“You can’t take her away from me.”

“Luke, you’re not set up to take care of a newborn baby.”

“I was good enough to babysit her last night,” Luke argued. “I’m her godfather!”

“That doesn’t mean –“

“Stop,” Andy sighed tiredly. “We don’t need to argue about this. Luke, are you alright to take care of her until we meet with the lawyers on Monday?”

“Yes,” Luke nodded quickly. “Absolutely.”

Andy turned to look at his wife. “Let’s just leave it as it is until then, okay?”

Liz hesitated, opened her mouth to object, but then decided to stay quiet.

Luke relaxed somewhat, hand laid protectively over Ruby’s back. He knew he’d need to take her home at some point, but the idea of going back to Ben and Sarah’s place made his chest ache. He couldn’t play pretend in their home, knowing they’d never come back.

“Cal?” he murmured softly, turning to his boyfriend.

“Yeah?” Calum’s eyes were soft, his fingers sliding through the hair at the nape of his neck gently.

“When we go, do you think you could drop us off at home, and then go and pick up some stuff from Ben and Sarah’s? I can’t spend any more time there, not yet.”

Calum nodded, leaning in to brush his lips over Luke’s temple. “We’ll work on a list, okay?”

Luke nodded, his chin trembling momentarily before he pulled himself together. “Thank you.”

**

Luke let out a soft sigh, and closed his teeth over his bottom lip. The dull pain barely registered, his body too tired to notice anything else. Despite the sun falling from the sky hours before, Luke couldn’t tell if it was day or night. It was as if his life was now a loop of pain, with the world carrying on around him, and he was stuck in the devastating grief that only seemed to be getting worse.

It had been a day of headaches and panic attacks as he tried to move through the memories, to try and drag himself out of the pit of despair, despite how insistently his anguish pulled him back under.

He stood by the bassinette, looking down at Ruby’s tiny little form as she slept peacefully, dummy in her mouth and arms raised over her head. She was wonderful and perfect, but he was terrified that he wasn’t enough, that she would need more than just him and his broken heart.

“She asleep?”

Luke started, looking up at the tired face of his boyfriend, and nodded. “Finally,” he whispered.

Calum met him beside the bassinette, resting his chin on Luke’s shoulder. “You should get some rest,” he murmured.

Luke sighed, leaning back against Calum’s chest. “I keep thinking about tomorrow and meeting with the lawyers.”

Calum’s arms wrapped around his waist, squeezing gently. “You’re thinking about what’s going to happen with Ruby.”

Luke could feel his chest tighten as Calum voiced his thoughts, and he sucked in a slow breath. “What if she ends up with mum and dad? Or worse, moved up the coast to be with Anne and David?”

“Stop,” Calum whispered. “You’re going to drive yourself crazy thinking of all the possibilities.”

Luke looked around at their bedroom, and the utter shambles it had become. Calum had returned from Ben and Sarah’s earlier in the evening with the essentials – bassinette, change table, all her clothes and blankets and socks, and whatever was left of the frozen breastmilk.

Everything was haphazardly stacked around the small house, the change table relegated to the study, and overflowing bags of Ruby’s stuff left on the floor beside the bassinette. It was rough and rushed and Luke felt utterly exhausted.

“Luke,” Calum murmured softly, his hand splaying out over Luke’s abdomen, his lips pressing a dry kiss against his shoulder. “C’mon, shower.”

Luke let himself be led, stumbling over his own feet as Calum guided him into the ensuite bathroom, and slowly started to undress him. His head fell forward, weighed down by his grief, and by the time Calum was tugging his jeans and boxer briefs off, he was on the verge of tears.

Calum reached into the shower recess to turn the water on, and regulated the temperature before starting to pull off his own clothes, kicking them underneath the sink carelessly.

Luke stepped in under the spray, letting the water tumble down over his head, washing away a few tears that had fell. More appeared as Calum stepped in with him after taking off his knee brace, hands sliding over Luke’s back gently.

“Cal,” Luke hiccupped.

“I know,” Calum murmured, turning him gently, and pulled him into his arms.

Luke let out a gut-wrenching sob, hands limp by his sides as his boyfriend held his shaky body as he cried.

It felt like he stood there for hours, unsure where all the tears were coming from, because surely he’d cried every tear already. But they kept coming, the sobs tearing their way past his lips and gasped wetly into Calum’s neck, his arms finally moving to wrap around the strong shoulders of his lover.

“It just doesn’t stop,” he sobbed. “Every time I breathe in I remember they’re gone and it hits me all over again. I can’t breathe without feeling it, Cal.”

“I know,” Calum murmured softly, his lips pressed to Luke’s wet shoulder. “I wish I could tell you it’ll get easier, but I can’t. But I can promise I will be here for every single time you need to fall apart.”

Luke sniffed, sagging against Calum tiredly. “He’s gone, Cal. How can he just be gone? In what universe is that fair?’

Calum kissed over his shoulder and over his neck to press a kiss to Luke’s temple. “It’s not fair,” he murmured. “And I’m so _sorry_ , Luke.”

Luke straightened up and leant in to kiss Calum gently. “Thank you for being here, for getting the stuff for Ruby. For letting me break.”

Calum kissed him again, cupping his jaw gently. “Always,” he promised against his mouth, pressing a few more soft kisses to his skin. “Now, let me wash you.”

Luke nodded tiredly and sighed with exhaustion as Calum moved away to reach the soap, lathering it between his hands before he slowly started to wash Luke, hands trailing gently over his skin, running the bar down his back and over the curve of his rear.

Luke did his best not to sag against the tiled wall, his eyes shut at the feel of Calum’s hands, and tried to keep the tears back. He didn’t want to cry anymore, it didn’t achieve anything.

He managed to keep it together as Calum washed his hair, and he shut off the water and guided Luke out onto the bathmat and dried him too. He let Calum help into flannel pajama pants and a soft black t-shirt before holding still as he shaved away the five o’clock shadow on Luke’s jaw.

“Alright,” Calum murmured as he patted Luke’s chin dry. “Bed.”

Luke reached out to grip his wrist gently, stopping him before the other man left the room. “I love you,” he rasped softly. “The only other thing I feel apart from awful, is the love I have for you.”

Calum smiled sadly, and kissed his lips. “Love means being here for the people who mean the most to you,” he whispered. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Luke sniffed, kissing him again softly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d be fine,” Calum assured him, taking his hand and switched off the light, and led him out into the bedroom. “But since I am here, I’m going to take care of you. So into bed.”

Luke didn’t have to be told twice, checking on Ruby before peeling back the sheets and crawling into bed. He sighed as he settled back against the pillows, his eyes already falling shut as the bed dipped beside him, and Calum joined him beneath the sheets.

He tried not to think about what the following day would bring. Funeral planning, meetings with lawyers, more confrontations with his family. He didn’t want to do any of it, he wanted to stay in his house with Calum and Ruby and try to put the pieces of his heart back together.

“C’mere,” Calum mumbled in the dark, pulling Luke against him, moulding himself around the younger man’s back. “You sleep, okay? I can do the 10:30 feed.”

Luke wanted to disagree, feeling as though he was failing as a caregiver when it came to the baby. He hadn’t been the one to feed her since the night before, and the paranoid, irrational part of him worried that she’d forget him.

He knew that if he was going to make a promise to anyone, it would be to her, that he’d never leave her, never make her feel alone in the world.

Which was how he felt, despite Calum’s arms wrapped around him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really feel like I should apologize for this emotional rollercoaster. I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but...I'd be lying. But I hope you'll stick with me, because this is so special to me. So I will follow up last chapter's notes with this; I'm not going to waffle on, so please leave me a comment with your thoughts, it means so much. <3
> 
> Special thanks to horanswillie, rocketmail, thominhoplease, Jessica, Coco_Decon, foolanyfriend, Lukesnotpunk, alilrose, calisapuppy, ashtonirwrn and ishallsinkwithmyships for their amazing comments on the last (awful) chapter!
> 
> xoxo


	12. Chapter 12

Luke wasn’t sure why he was so nervous to meet with the lawyers. It had taken three days just to get an appointment, and he’d been living in a constant state of limbo, unsure if he was awake or asleep. Looking after Ruby had pushed him to the brink, but holding her in the middle of the night, when the house was quiet and the night was still, bought him such an immeasurable amount of comfort.

She would let him cry as he fed her a bottle – formula now the breastmilk had run out – and she would blink sleepily up at him before her eyes would slip shut, her lips working rhythmically on the teat as he made sure not to make a sound.

His study had unofficially become her room, and Calum had moved one of Luke’s living room chairs in there, into the corner beside his desk so they had somewhere quiet to sit and feed the baby. The room had become a sanctuary, and Luke felt like he was stepping into a safe place, every time he entered the room.

But despite those windows of calm, everything else felt like it was falling apart. He had to call work, had to explain to the principal why he was bailing on the last two weeks of school before the holidays, that his HSC prep would have to wait, that his heart couldn’t take much  more. He was only happy about the fact he hadn’t dissolved into tears while talking to his boss on the phone.

Then there were his parents – his _mum,_ specifically – who wouldn’t let an hour pass without calling, offering her help with the baby, for him to _talk_ and he couldn’t believe that his grief had changed him so much that he dreaded the sound of her voice.

She used to be home, his band aid whenever he needed her, and now…Luke didn’t want to deal with her. With her sad eyes and desperate need to hold him and try to _fix_ him, in the hopes it would fix her, too. He knew how selfish it was, to deny her of him, but he wasn’t holding on as it was, her presence would only break him further.

But he knew he’d have to see her at the lawyer’s office, and maybe that’s why he was nervous. He’d be faced with his entire family, and knew they would want to talk about the funerals that had been arranged for Thursday, or about how Ruby was, and if he needed a hand.

So he’d distracted himself by ironing his red and black plaid shirt, and made an extra effort to brush his hair, double-knotting his shoelaces and tugging on the sleeves of his jacket. The drive to the plush offices in the city was quiet, his hand joined with Calum’s over the centre console and Ruby napping peacefully in her car seat.

They’d removed the car seat from Sarah’s car earlier in the week, and had installed it into Luke’s. It just hadn’t felt right, to be driving a car that belonged to someone else. Luke wasn’t ready to deal with the emotions it bought, so avoidance it was.

He’d had to force a smile on his face as he met with his family in the reception area on the twenty-fifth floor of Hoyt, Carter and Dole, and hugged his brother stiffly before accepting a kiss to the cheek from his mother.

They’d gushed over the baby, praising him on what a good job he’d done taking care of her. He’d accepted the compliments with a tight look on his face, choosing instead to stay as quiet as possible as they’d waited.

But their name had been called ten minutes ago, and the Hemmings family had risen to their feet, and followed the receptionist down a short hallway and into a luxurious board room. Luke sat beside his father, wishing Calum had been able to come in with him. But he was on baby duty, because Luke knew Ruby would be a distraction, and he had to focus on the impeccably dressed attorney in front of him.

“First of all, I’d like to express my condolences for your loss. I can’t imagine how you’re all feeling right now, and I hope to make this process as painless as possible.”

Luke couldn’t muster a contrite smile at the man sitting across from them, and felt his mouth twist into a grimace. He didn’t want the watery sympathy, didn’t need to hear the empty words. He didn’t want to be there, he wanted to take Ruby and Calum home and somehow piece his life together.

“The estate of Benjamin and Sarah Hemmings isn’t complicated, and fairly recent. I believe they put together their first will after their marriage approximately three years and four months ago, and updated it eight days after the birth of their first child.”

“What does that mean?” Liz asked softly, shredding the tissue she held in her hands.

The lawyer smiled. “There are no real assets to dissolve, apart from the house. Everything is to go to their child, whether that includes the sale of the home, or the equity.”

“Oh,” Liz said softly.

“They chose not to appoint an executor, as their wishes in their written wills are quite clear. I have a copy here for each of you,” the lawyer said, laying out four copies of the will across the table.

Luke felt his stomach twist in fear. He didn’t know what was written on the pages, he wasn’t sure if he _wanted_ to know. What if Ben and Sarah’s plans meant he’d never see Ruby again?

“Luke?”

Luke blinked, feeling his mother’s eyes on him as he looked over at the lawyer who had spoken his name. “Yes?”

He managed a tight smile and slid an envelope towards him. “This is for you.”

Luke frowned, picking up the blank envelope, and turned it over in his hands. It was sealed, non-descript. It felt thick, like a few pages had been folded carefully inside.

“W-what is this?”

The lawyer shuffled through a few pages. “Your brother left explicit instructions in his will that you read this, and preferably alone.”

Luke could feel the tears building in his eyes quickly. Did Ben want him to read it alone to tell him that Ruby would go and live with Sarah’s parents?

“You’re welcome to use the conference room down the hall.”

He could feel his family’s eyes on him, but he paid them no attention as he stood and collected his copy of the will and the envelope, and left the room. His hands were shaking violently as he walked silently down the hall and into the empty conference room, pressing the door shut behind him.

He let out a shaky breath and sagged against the closed door, feeling as though the letter was burning his palm. He somehow knew that the letter would break him completely, and he was almost angry with Ben because of it.

He had to know that Luke wouldn’t be able to handle it. He knew the younger man enough to know that when it came to things like this – horrid, soul-crushing things – that he was more likely to fall apart, than take stock and move on.

He sank down the door to the plush carpet, letting out a sigh as his rear made contact with the floor. The floor-to-ceiling windows let in bright sunshine, but Luke could only feel dark and gloomy. He didn’t want to do this, he didn’t want to read Ben’s words from beyond the grave.

But his trembling fingers tore the envelope open quickly, and he pulled the folded pages out.

_Lukey –_

_I could start this letter with something like ‘if you’re reading this, it must mean I’m gone’ but that sounds kind of awful if indeed I’ve crossed over to the other side. But I mean, it’s why you’re reading this, right? Because some awful twist of fate has cut my life short, and you are the one I can’t stand to leave._

_But having a child makes you question your own mortality. Because all of a sudden, you’re responsible for this tiny person who needs you for everything – food, baths, clothes, love – and you start to worry that maybe you won’t always be around._

_I watched my beautiful daughter come into this world, screaming and pissed off and I fell in love. With her, with Sarah, with becoming a dad. But the love came with fear, and I guess this is why I’m writing this letter. Not to make this harder on you, because I know how hard it must be, but because you are the only person in my life that I would want to open up to._

_Because, let’s face it. You’re not reading this under good circumstances. You’ve met with Dewey, Cheatem and Howe, and they’ve handed over this envelope, and you’re reading this, you’re reading the very last thing I’ll ask of you._

_I need her to be yours, Luke. If Sarah and I are gone, I want you to raise our daughter. I knew this before she was born, before she was even thought of. That if I couldn’t be here, for some reason, that you would be, and you would do the best you could to raise her like Sarah and I would._

_And I know what I’m asking isn’t simple. It’s not a light favour, or something I want you to agree to immediately because you think that’s what I want. I want you think, I want you to realize what this would mean, how it would change your life. And if you can’t, it’s okay. If you can’t do it, there are other opt-_

Luke let out a sob, pressing the letter to his wet cheeks, his free hand pressed to his chest. He was so _angry_ , so unprepared to read the words Ben had left him, and he felt like he couldn’t finish. He didn’t _want_ to.

So he sat there, sobbing harshly into the pages, his shoulders shaking violently as the emotion tore through him. It seemed to take forever, the muscles in his neck tense, his head heavy, his chest aching. He wasn’t sure when the tears stopped falling or his breathing evened out, but he was gently smoothing out the creases in the letter, and started to read again.

_If you can’t do it, there are other options._

_But I saw you with her, Luke, the night she was born. You fell in love with her, just as I did, and I think she will always be connected to you. You were her first hug, of course. She fits in your life, as she does in mine, so it makes sense._

_But it’s something you need to talk to Calum about, mum and dad even. This isn’t a puppy, this is a child that will need you for the rest of your life, and I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself to take care of her._

_But if you decide to do it, God, Luke. You will be the best father she could ever need. She will love you, as she does now, and you will be there to guide her with everything that I can’t be there for. She will call you daddy and you will keep mine and Sarah’s memory alive, but you will be her father._

_Because you are great, Luke. I know I’ve told you that over the years, the typical big brother shtick that you’re supposed to say, but it’s so much more than that. You’re smart – the smartest one in the family – and you’ve built this incredible life for yourself. You are my best friend, the best brother, brother-in-law and uncle I could ever ask for._

_You are a piece of my heart, and I hope this letter can be a part of yours until we meet again on the other side._

_Love always,_

_Ben_

**

“You haven’t said a word since we left.”

Luke swallowed, looking over at Calum as they rolled to a gentle stop at a red light.

“Since you met with the lawyers, actually.”

Luke opened his mouth to say something, _anything._ He knew he needed to tell Calum about the letter, about the question he’d been asked, and a question he’d already answered with his heart.

“I’m going to be here when you’re ready to talk,” Calum promised, easing his foot off the brake, and pressed down on the accelerator gently.

Luke felt a few tears fall, and he reached out to take Calum’s hand in his.

**

“H-how would we do this?” Luke pressed his phone tighter against his ear, keeping his voice low.

He was feeding Ruby her afternoon bottle, in the silence of her room while Calum watched a football game on TV. They still hadn’t talked, the only words Luke had uttered since the meeting that morning with the lawyer was to ask the receptionist to be connected to the same man.

“Everything is in place so if you decide to accept guardianship, I’ll need you to come down to the office and sign a few documents. Assuming that you do not decide to live in the home left to Ruby, it will be sold and the profits are to be set up in a trust in her name.”

Luke nodded, looking down at the baby. “What will it mean? Obviously, I’d be her guardian.”

“You’d be her parent,” the lawyer told him. “You’d have full parental rights governing healthcare, schooling, and any other important life decisions that could arise. Your brother and sister-in-law were quite adamant on that.”

Luke let out a soft sigh. “Are you sure that’s what they meant?”

“Mr Hemmings, I can categorically say that your brother and sister-in-law were not only insistent, but a little emotional when they completed their wills and their wishes were explicit. But in the event that you are not willing to agree to their terms, there are plans in place.”

“W-what would that be like?” Luke asked softly.

“Well,” the lawyer began. “Custody would most likely be awarded to Sarah’s parents, Anne and David.”

Luke nodded, feeling sick at the idea.

“However, that should not sway your decision. This is serious, and you have time to think this over.”

“How much time?”

“As much as you need.”

Luke wished that the conversation had been able to ease his mind somewhat, but it felt like all that had happened was for him to sink further into confusion. He hung up with the lawyer just as Ruby finished feeding, and after burping her, he took her out into the living room.

He sat down beside Calum, handing the baby over when he reached for her.

“Can we talk now?” Luke asked softly, tugging at the hem of his t-shirt nervously.

Calum muted the TV, reaching out to take his hand. “Of course,” he promised.

Luke bit down on his lip ring, feeling the emotion threaten to overtake him. He didn’t know how to say the words, how to ask Calum the questions he needed to ask.

“Whatever it is,” Calum said softly, squeezing his hand. “We’ll get through it.”

Luke let out a shaky sigh, looking up at Calum with tear-filled eyes. “Ben and Sarah redid their wills after Ruby was born,” he explained softly. “Ben left me a letter, asking me to be her dad, if the worst ever happened.”

Calum’s eyebrows went up before a slow, sad smile formed on his lips. “Of course he asked,” he said gently, reaching out to cup Luke’s jaw. “Jesus, Luke. Of _course_ he’d want you to be her dad.”

Luke’s chin trembled as the tears slipped silently down his cheeks. “I asked you to move in,” he whispered. “You _just_ moved in,” he mumbled. “I can’t ask you to take this on too. I can’t expect you to stick with me and a baby.”

Calum leant over, curling his free hand around the back of Luke’s neck and tugged him in, pressing a dry kiss to his lips. “You don’t have to ask,” he whispered.

“This isn’t a puppy, Cal. This is the next eighteen years of my life – _our_ life. This is a forever kind of thing.”

“You’re going to say yes, right?” Calum asked.

Luke nodded, sniffing loudly. “Of course I am. But I want you to know that just because I’m saying yes, doesn’t mean you have to as well. I would understand if you wanted to move back in with your parents, if you want to put the brakes on. I _get_ that.”

“Jesus, Luke,” Calum griped softly, kissing him again, a little harder that time. “I’m not going anywhere. It’s going to take more than a baby to drive me away.”

“No,” Luke whispered, pressing his nose against Calum’s cheek, arm sliding around his neck. “Don’t just say that, okay? Because you have to think about it, like I did. You have to really think about what you want, not just now, but in the future.”

“How long did it take for you to decide you’d do it? That you’d be her parent?”

Luke sniffed. “Before I finished the letter. Before I _got_ the letter.”

“Exactly,” Calum breathed, his fingers pressing against the back of Luke’s neck. “It was the same for me. For the last three days, I’ve been getting used to this – you, me and Ruby. So I’m in this, Luke. I was in it with you before all this happened, and I’m in it now.”

Luke let out a soft sob and crawled closer to Calum. “Are you sure? Because it’s going to be so hard, and I don’t even know if I’ll be any good at it.”

“I’m sure,” Calum insisted softly. “And we’ll probably make a lot of mistakes and we’ll learn a lot and we will _love_ her, Luke. Like Ben and Sarah would’ve.”

Luke, mindful of Ruby, crawled into Calum’s lap and sobbed into his neck. He wasn’t sure if it would work, but he knew that without Calum in this with him, he was certain he wouldn’t be able to do it.

“You’re going to be an amazing dad.”

“I hope you’re right,” Luke whispered against his skin, pressing his eyes shut tightly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Sorry for the massive gap in updates, I actually went on holidays! But I'm back now, so you can expect more regular updates!
> 
> Please leave me comments and let me know what you think! I appreciate every single one! Thanks to all who have left kudos, subscribed, recommended and read this story!
> 
> Special thanks to thominhoplease, rocketmail, ashtonirwrn, Jessica, daisy_maus, rejectclifford, calum_xxx_hood, alilrose, ishallsinkwithmyships, Coco_Decon & horanswillie for their awesome comments, it's much appreciated!


	13. Chapter 13

“Hi.”

Luke looked up at the sound of Ashton’s voice, and he managed a tiny, emotionless smile. He watched as his friend stepped into the makeshift nursery, his shiny dress shoes making soft little taps as he crossed the wooden floor to the armchair, and leant down and pressed a kiss to Luke’s temple.

“How’s Miss Ruby?” he asked softly, crouching down beside the chair to press a kiss to her forehead.

“She’s good,” Luke answered softly, reaching out to smooth his fingers along the lapel of Ashton’s black jacket. “You look good.”

Ashton smiled. “Thanks. You look like you need some sleep.”

Luke’s next smile was genuine, though it pulled harshly at his lips. “Life with a newborn.”

“How’s that going?” Ashton asked, getting to his feet, and tugged Luke’s desk chair over to sit by the armchair. “I’ve been trying not to call too much.”

“Please don’t not call, okay?” Luke asked softly. “If you want to call, please call.”

Ashton reached out and touched his knee. “I will. I just thought after the funerals, you might want…time, y’know?”

Luke sniffed, looking down at Ruby as she sucked rhythmically on the teat of her bottle. “It’s good, I think. We went to Ben and Sarah’s over the weekend and boxed up the rest of Ruby’s things. Mum and dad came, and Jack and Celeste. It just felt so wrong to be there without them.”

“I bet,” Ashton murmured softly. “What’s going to happen with the house?”

“Mum and dad found a real estate agent that has knowledge with deceased estates. I think it will go to auction and the money will go to Ruby’s trust.”

“And you? How are you?”

Luke sighed. “I’m a dad, Ash. It doesn’t feel right, and I feel like I’m trying to take Ben’s place. Some days I feel like things go great, and other days I just cry. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Ashton’s hand gripped his knee gently, fingers smoothing over the fabric of Luke’s jeans. “It’s going to take time, Luke. It’s only been two weeks.”

“I know,” he whispered softly, easing the bottle out of Ruby’s mouth when she was finished, sitting her up in his lap carefully, and supporting her with his hands. He rubbed her back gently until she burped, her blue eyes blinking at Ashton.

“How’s the family?” Ashton questioned, holding out his hands for Ruby.

Luke handed her over carefully, watching as Ashton put her on his shoulder, hands cradling her gently. “They’re okay,” he said softly. “Everyone is just trying to figure out how to get on with life. Mum calls a lot, drops in some. Jack calls and it’s horrible and awkward, like now we’re the only two left, we need to have a relationship.”

Ashton sat back in his chair, eyes on his friend. “And Cal?”

Luke picked at an invisible thread on the hem of his t-shirt. “He started training again this week. I’m trying to let him go without showing him I don’t want him to. I cry a lot when he’s not around.”

Ashton stayed quiet, and Luke didn’t blame him. He was completely flat, unable to drag himself out of his depression. He thought that things would start to get better – he knew the grief wouldn’t fade, and the hurt of losing Ben and Sarah would be with him for the rest of his life, but he thought that maybe things would get easier with each day that passed.

But he woke up in the same state – unsure of what he was doing, constantly critical that he’d never live up to Ben, and hopelessly attached to Calum to the point where it was unhealthy.

“He’ll be home soon, yeah?”

Luke sniffed, looking over at the clock on the dresser that had once been at Ben and Sarah’s. “Another hour or so.”

Ashton followed his line of sight. “I wish I could do something.”

Luke looked over at him, how put together he looked in his black dress pants and dark blue button down shirt. He was so handsome, so professional, and Luke had felt like that at some point – professional; important. He’d prided himself on teaching young adults and preparing them for their futures.

Now, he second guessed himself in _everything_ , unsure of how long to microwave Ruby’s bottle, what temperature the bath water should be, the fact that he relied too heavily on Calum, or the fact they hadn’t had sex since Ben and Sarah had passed.

He felt inferior. He _was_ inferior.

“Are you still seeing Mikey?”

Ashton looked over at him, frowning. “I, we don’t have to talk about that,” he eased softly. “If you don’t want.”

Luke shrugged his shoulders. “It’s better than talking about anything else.”

Ashton nodded his head, rubbing the baby’s back. “I am. Still seeing Mikey,” he mumbled. “It’s not important.”

Luke sighed. “She puked.”

“Huh?”

Luke picked up the burping cloth and stood, trying to wipe up the dribble of baby puke on Ashton’s expensive jacket. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “She sometimes gets pukey after her bottle.”

“Oh,” Ashton murmured. “It’s okay.”

Luke wiped at the mess as best he could, but he knew the jacket would need to be dry cleaned. “Is this how it is?” he asked softly, fingers gripping Ashton’s shoulder. “You come over and we sit here and can’t talk about anything but the fact my brother is dead?”

“Luke…”

“No,” Luke sniffed. “Is this just how it _is_ now? I have a baby and her parents are gone and I’m sad and you’re awkward and we can’t even talk about you being with Michael? Because if that’s what it’s going to be like, I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“It’s not that simple, Luke,” Ashton insisted. “It’s been two weeks, so we do the awkwardness, because you _are_ sad, and that’s okay. Talking about me sleeping with Michael isn’t important right now.”

“But it’s normal!” Luke demanded angrily, dropping the cloth to the floor. “I need you to be normal! Because _everyone_ looks at me like _I_ died! My mum fucking smothers me because she thinks I’m going to break, my brother is trying to force a connection when there isn’t one, and you come in here with your pitying eyes and telling me we can’t talk about anything else but my dead fucking brother!”

The anger felt good. It felt better than the sadness, and Luke’s heart was slamming against his ribcage in his chest, and all he could hear was the rushing of blood in his ears. It took him a long moment to calm down, to realize that Ruby was letting out soft cries because he’d shouted.

He’d shouted at Ashton.

At his _friend_ who’d left work early to visit him, and Luke had yelled at him.

“Shit,” he whispered, lifting the baby out of Ashton’s arms and tried to settle her. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“It’s fine,” Ashton said quietly.

“It’s really not,” Luke sighed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

They were both quiet, the only sounds were Ruby’s distressed cries, and Luke sat back down in the armchair to cuddle her, trying to get her to latch onto her pacifier while he actively tried to avoid making eye contact with Ashton.

“I think I’m in love with Michael.”

Luke looked up, at Ashton’s honest eyes and could see pain reflected in them.

Maybe they were both in need of normalcy.

**

“Hey.”

Luke blinked up at Calum over the back of the couch, his eyes feeling as though they were covered in grit.

“Sorry I’m late.”

He turned his head to look at the clock on the coffee table to see that it was almost nine. “S’ok,” he answered roughly, running a hand through his messy hair. “Fell asleep.”

Calum dropped his practice bag on the floor by the hallway, and limped further into the living room to sit down on the couch.

“Cal,” Luke sighed, watching him wince as his knee bumped into the coffee table. “You weren’t limping this morning.”

Calum collapsed beside him with a sigh, swinging his leg up and onto the coffee table, his fingers pressing against the brace that supported the joint. “I started doing the leg press today,” he explained. “Supervised by my trainer, I promise.”

Luke bit at his lip ring, his fingers finding the worn hem of Calum’s black t-shirt and tugged it gently. “Okay.”

Calum rested his arm along the back of the couch, his fingertips ghosting over Luke’s shoulder. “How are you?”

Luke was glad with the question. For so long it had been _are you okay_ and Luke didn’t know how to answer that question without yelling. Of course he wasn’t okay, and being asked twenty times a day meant he was almost always yelling at Calum, even when his heart ached because of it.

 _How are you_ was different; normal. _How are you_ was something the lady at the checkout asked him when he was buying nappies and formula. Or the man at the post office when he had to send an official copy of Ruby’s adoption papers back to the lawyers.

Maybe the answer wouldn’t be what people wanted to hear, but Luke had gotten great at lying in the four weeks since losing Ben and Sarah.

“I’m okay,” he answered softly, inhaling Calum’s scent slowly. He smelt so clean and fresh, the ends of his hair still damp from his post-practice shower, the subtle aftershave he always wore clinging to his skin.

“Good,” he mumbled, dropping his hand to squeeze Luke’s shoulder.

Luke nodded, looking down at this fingers that were still toying with Calum’s shirt. “She smiled again today.”

Calum looked over at him, his brown eyes tired, but a soft spark appeared in them. “Yeah?”

Luke looked away, at the baby monitor on the coffee table that showed a picture of Ruby sleeping in her cot. “It breaks my heart.”

Luke could remember seeing it for the first time. In the week Calum had gone back to training, his breakdowns happened on the regular, and he’d been sobbing late at night, cradling the screaming baby in his arms as he tried to settle her, but she just wouldn’t calm down. He’d known it was because he was distressed; she was feeding off of his emotions.

 

Calum was trying to help, but Luke was too far down in the depths of his personal hell. He wanted the baby to be quiet, he wanted his brother back, and he wanted to take back ever agreeing to being her guardian. He wasn’t fit, he wasn’t qualified, and it was only becoming more obvious the longer she screamed.

Calum had taken her, prying her from Luke’s grasp and left the room with her, leaving Luke to pace in the limited space of her bedroom, his feet connecting with boxes and furniture in anger. He broke a few CD cases and almost broke his toe as he heard Calum trying to settle Ruby, his calm voice doing the trick.

The silence from the baby only unravelled Luke further, and it was almost impossible to stave off his sobs. It was like he’d been crying for hours before he noticed Calum re-enter the room, Ruby quiet in his arms. He was quiet too, his body exhausted and all cried out.

Calum had handed her over, and Luke had looked down at her, and she’d smiled. She smiled at _him_ , the poor excuse of a father she was stuck with. The snotty, disgusting replacement parent that wasn’t prepared, but still, she smiled at _him_.

Every time she smiled now, Luke thought of the first one. He wondered when he’d forget, and he hoped it would be soon.

“How is she?”

Luke blinked and looked up at Calum momentarily. “Good. Went down without a fuss at seven.”

Calum’s arm lifted, and Luke immediately felt colder. He didn’t know what to expect, really. How could he expect anything from the other man after their lives were completely tipped upside down? How were they meant to survive _this_ after only a few months together?

Luke knew it was him; that he wasn’t coping well with anything, and he had no choice when it came to Ruby, he had to fight any issues he had with raising her head on, but issues with Calum were being buried underneath the guise of being _fine_ , because he didn’t know how to sit down and talk to the man he loved about the fact that they hadn’t had sex in a while, that the moments between them weren’t gentle kisses anymore, it was Calum cleaning up after Luke had a breakdown.

“Don’t go,” Luke requested softly, tugging at his t-shirt.

“I’m not,” Calum said softly. “I was going to get a beer. You want?”

Luke shook his head, and felt the fabric slip from between his fingers as Calum stood up, and disappeared from the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are the spice of life! No, seriously, they are, and it's like a proven fact that if you leave one, you will have clear skin for a week. Not sure how legit this is, as I haven't commented on my own story, but would some of you love to test the theory? :P
> 
> Thanks to EVERYONE who has read/left kudos/subscribed and the like to this little story! Special thanks to horanswillie, daisy_maus, Jessica, Coco_Decon, Coco_Decon and ishallsinkwithmyships for their awesome comments!
> 
> xoxo


	14. Chapter 14

Luke wasn’t sure what the acceptable period of time off after a loved one’s death was supposed to be. It had been six weeks and he’d woken up one idle Wednesday morning to realize that he hadn’t thought about work since Ben died. Since talking to the principal and telling him of the news.

But it was the June/July holidays, and Ashton’s birthday had passed a few days previous and Luke realized that he had failed spectacularly when it came to his students. He knew they’d been relying on him to prepare them for the HSC later in the year, and instead, he would stay in his pyjamas all day and watch Dr Phil as he waited for Calum to get home from training.

He had planned to come back from holidays with a thoroughly detailed syllabus designed to get his year twelve students through the arduous task of exams, preparing practices tests and breaking down the previous year’s exams. But school was due back the following Monday and he’d barely thought if he was even going back to work.

He would have to, he knew that. There were bills to pay and formula to buy and he couldn’t do that without an income, and he’d be damned if he was going to let Calum pick up the slack. He was not letting the other man squander his recent Adidas sponsorship away on things like mortgage payments and nappies.

He found his school diary in Ruby’s room, piled underneath a baby book or two, and eased it open to the current week. He’d made notes over every day of the things he wanted to achieve, and the ineptitude he felt when he realized he’d done _none_ of it, struck him hard.

He moved a stack of clean laundry from his desk chair onto the change table and sat down at his desk, making room to set his diary down. He found a red pen and twirled it in his fingers, setting the baby monitor down as well.

Ruby was down for her nap in the bassinette in his and Calum’s room, and Luke knew that in itself was something he was avoiding. She was almost four months old and almost too big for the bassinette, but he couldn’t bear to move her into her cot. It sat assembled in the study, all beautifully polished white wood and plush mattress, but the idea of her sleeping in another room was one he wasn’t ready to entertain.

He sighed and pushed a hand through his hair as he looked at the messy room, knowing that his avoidance wasn’t doing anything but making the guilt pile up in his mind. Ruby had a beautiful room at Ben and Sarah’s place, and instead of giving that to her himself, Luke had just shoved all the items into forgotten corners in his study, too afraid to try and replicate something that couldn’t be repeated.

“Jesus,” he groaned softly into the silent room. If it wasn’t guilt about school, it was guilt about Ruby.

With a dejected sigh he turned his attention back to his diary, trying to push aside the inadequacy in hopes of following through on some of his plans.

Some of it was easy – he could order as many copies of last year’s HSC exam as he liked to be delivered to his house before the end of the week. He could review last year’s practice exam schedule and update any new information that pertained to his students. He could shut out the guilt about Ruby and Calum and his parents and Ben and Sarah and log onto his New South Wales Education email to muddle through more than a hundred plus messages that waited for him.

He skimmed over the ones that detailed condolences, moving them quickly to his junk mail, and tried to focus on the important ones. The schedules he’d submitted to the education board had come back approved, and his syllabus from term one was going to be used for the class of teacher aides being trained for the final term of the year. He lived for the ones from his colleagues that didn’t address Ben; that skimmed over it completely to get to the point of the emails. How he had fallen behind on his marking and would need to catch up, that his novels for his year ten class were on back order and to not expect them until August.

It was normalcy he hadn’t felt in a while, and he was almost disappointed when Ruby stirred from her nap. He’d fed her, changed her, and put her in the bouncer in the study so he could return to his emails, managing to wade through all of them by the time his lower back started to ache from sitting so long.

He’d managed to accomplish a few dot points from his diary, and the relief that it bought almost made tears well up in his eyes.

He felt _human_ again. He felt like Luke Hemmings, the teacher, like he was doing something that helped other people instead of wallowing in his own grief. He was useful instead of useless, and even though the feeling was most likely displaced, he didn’t care.

It put a smile on his face that made his mouth ache, that made Ruby mirror it when he picked her up out of her bouncer to cuddle her. They shared a moment of smiles, and he couldn’t help but press kisses to her cheeks until she hiccupped out the sweet sounding laughter he was addicted to. Her giggle was infectious, and for the first time in a long time, he laughed with her.

**

“Michael? Hey.”

Michael frowned, hand on the doorknob to his front door. “Hey?”

Luke managed a tight smile though it felt foreign and he inched Ruby up on his shoulder. “Sorry for dropping in without calling,” he said quickly.

After his productive morning, Luke was inspired, and had bundled Ruby up in the car to visit Michael, a spur of the moment decision he hadn’t made in a while. He exclusively conversed with Michael via text lately, because he knew that despite Michael’s big heart, he didn’t know how to comfort Luke. He wasn’t always the greatest with words, which was Ashton’s thing. And Luke knew it bought anxiety for Michael to talk sometimes, and he was hardly the conversationalist anymore.

But he’d wanted to _see_ him, to desperately cling to normality, because if there was something Luke had sorely missed, it was Michael’s complete disregard for his feelings. He wasn’t sure why he missed being picked on, or being the brunt of Michael’s jokes, but Luke always felt that Michael was one hundred percent real with him. No smoke and mirrors, no bullshit.

“That’s okay,” Michael said, his brow still creased in a frown. “We just…haven’t, lately.”

“I know,” Luke breathed guiltily, his eyes finding the scuffed toes of his Converse shoes. “And I’m sorry about that.”

“No,” Michael insisted quickly. “I didn’t say that so you’d apologize. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

Luke looked back up at him and smiled sadly. “Can we just ghost over the apologies and be us again?”

Michael looked hesitant, scratching at his nose distractedly. “Yeah, of course,” he answered finally. “But, just…Ashton is here.”

Luke’s eyes widened, and felt his cheeks blush. He knew fully well without needing to ask just _why_ Ashton had blown off work on a Wednesday afternoon to visit Michael.

“He’s uh, he’s going soon,” Michael said uncomfortably.

Luke then realized that they’d never actually talked about the Ashton situation. There hadn’t been a chance before everything had tipped upside down, so the awkwardness wasn’t unusual, but Luke felt like it was.

He _should_ know the details about Michael and Ashton. He should’ve made more of an effort with his oldest friend, but he’d been so blinded he hadn’t been able to.

“I’m sorry, Mikey.”

Michael frowned. “What for?”

“For not being a friend.”

Michael opened his mouth to respond before Ashton’s voice was calling out from somewhere inside.

“You almost done, babe? I’ve gotta get back by three!”

Luke felt his cheeks burn red, unsure of why the situation was so mortifying.

“I, uh, oh, y-yeah, Luke’s here.” Michael stuttered out.

“I’ll go,” Luke said quickly, tightening his hold on Ruby. “I’m sorry I didn’t call.”

“No,” Michael said quickly, reaching out to stop him, but Luke stepped back.

“Honestly, it’s fine,” Luke said, feeling like he was on the edge of something he didn’t have the right to see. “I was just going to talk to you about the speech for my year eigh-“

“Luke?”

Luke only felt worse when Ashton appeared, shirtless and zipping up his suit pants. “I’m sorry,” he spilled. “I should’ve called Michael first, I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“It’s fine,” Ashton said softly, his face soft and welcoming.

“No,” Luke argued. “You have to be back by three and it’s almost two-thirty.”

He felt so horrendously awkward, like he’d been sucked so far down into his grief, and life had just continued on around him and he felt so out of tune with his best friends, and the guilt made his stomach clench painfully.

“Why don’t you come in?” Ashton offered.

“No, it’s fine,” Luke said, looking at Ruby. “She’s going to need a bottle soon and we started solids yesterday and she’s had the runs. Banana goes right through babies sometimes.”

Michael frowned and Ashton smiled, and Luke felt like a failure.

“Come in,” Ashton offered again, his warm hand hooking around Luke’s elbow and tugged him forward.

Luke went, because he couldn’t deny Ashton anything, those warm, hazel eyes held love and understanding, and Luke needed it more than he knew.

Michael shut the door behind him and they ended up in the living room, Ruby on Luke’s knee and the other two men sharing the couch across from him.

“I didn’t know you were still,” Luke mumbled, waving his hand.

“Uh, yeah,” Michael swallowed uncomfortably.

Ashton’s fingers grazed his knee. “Why don’t I go?” He checked his watch. “I’ve got a meeting at three-fifteen and traffic might be a bitch.”

Luke nodded, eyes on the butterfly pattern of Ruby’s leggings.

“Alright,” Michael agreed softly.

Luke heard them exchange a kiss, and he immediately missed the press of Calum’s lips against his own. It felt like they hadn’t exchanged a proper kiss in months, and the memory of the simple gesture made his shoulders drop.

He was quiet as Ashton left the room, and neither he nor Michael spoke until the front door clicked shut, and the older man was gone.

“I’m sorry for just showing up,” Luke said stoically, breaking the silence.

“It’s okay,” Michael assured him. “I just feel bad, because I don’t know how to do this.”

Luke looked up. “I know.”

“It makes me a shit person,” Michael explained with a sigh. “Or at least a shit friend. What kind of person doesn’t know how to comfort their best friend?”

“The kind that is human,” Luke said softly. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t know what to say either. I feel like I live with a massive neon sign hanging over my head now. It screams out _my brother died_ and I feel like that’s all people see. This broken, fragile person that no one knows how to talk to, but I don’t know how to talk either.”

“I’ve never been through what you have,” Michael admitted softly. “I never understood what you had with Ben, because I didn’t grow up with siblings. So now he’s gone, I don’t know what to say to you to that might help. And then I punish myself over it, because that’s shit, Luke.”

“It’s not,” Luke sighed. “I’ve never lost a brother before, and almost every day I tell myself I’m not doing it right. That he’d be so disappointed that I’ve lost like, almost two months of my life to the grief of losing him and Sarah. But I don’t know anything else besides this.”

Michael got up and joined him on the couch, his arm slung around his shoulders. “I love you.”

Luke sniffed wetly and nodded his head. “I love you too.”

“Can I tell you about Ashton?”

Luke nodded, lifting his free hand to wipe at his nose. “I’d like that, yeah.”

Michael smiled. “Alright.”

**

“So it’s casual?”

Michael nodded, shoving Doritos into his mouth, paying no mind at the crumbs that fell to the carpet of his parent’s living room.

Luke was slightly distracted, giving Ruby her bottle and trying to mull over the information in his brain, the details of Michael and Ashton’s three month fling from Michael’s point of view, that hadn’t even come close to being over.

It was weird; all the information Michael had given to him sounded like a relationship. Things had progressed from sex months ago, when Ashton had started sleeping over just to _sleep_ , and Michael had even ventured into the city to stay at Ashton’s place a few times.

But Michael kept saying _casual_ like Luke wasn’t getting the point, which maybe he wasn’t, because all he could remember was hearing Ashton confessing he was in love with Michael all those weeks ago after the funerals.

And since then, whenever he spoke to Ashton – which was all the time lately, Ashton just _got_ it, ever since the day Luke had yelled at him. Ashton was the only person in his life that treated him like Ben and Sarah hadn’t died, that Ruby wasn’t his daughter now, and he needed that; needed Ashton – that he was very much in love with Michael, or at least very interested in making things between them more serious.

But Michael was all shrugs and hands waving through the air. It was _casual._ Two friends that had great sex and enjoyed each other’s company. It wasn’t just going to morph into love like it had for Luke and Calum.

“You and Cal okay?”

Luke blinked over at Michael, feeling caught out for a moment. The question was simple, but the answer seemed so complicated. “I think so,” he nodded.

“That’s good,” Michael smiled.

Luke tried to mirror the expression. “It’s a lot,” he admitted. “With the baby and everything. We’ve lost some of what we have.”

Michael’s smile fell into a frown. “How do you mean?”

“We haven’t had sex since,” Luke explained, feeling almost shamed at the confession.

“Well,” Michael began, shovelling a few more chips into his mouth. “That’s to be expected.”

“Is it?” Luke sighed, easing the bottle out of Ruby’s mouth to burp her. “I feel like all the things I was before they died is gone now, and he’s left with a stressed out, sad person who is nothing like the person I was before.”

“It’s not going to last forever,” Michael pointed out. “Calum loves you, he’ll wait.”

“Yeah,” Luke sighed softly. “But does he deserve to wait? He could be with someone that can give him everything. I just have my grief and a baby.”

Michael threw a chip at him that landed on his thigh. “If you try and be noble and break up with him so he can be _free,_ I will kill you.”

Luke smiled sadly. “Even if I did, he wouldn’t go. That’s Calum.”

“That’s right,” Michael confirmed. “That’s Calum, and he loves you, so be sad all you like, he’s not going anywhere.”

Luke smiled, but he couldn’t help but wonder if Calum staying was the best thing for him, or the best thing for Luke, and when both of those things stopped being the same.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I love Mashton! I Hope everyone else does too, because I can't wait to share the side story to this when this is all said and done!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's reading and subscribing and leaving kudos! But did you hear that commenting was the new subscribing? ;)
> 
> Special thanks to Coco_Decon, horanswillie, ishallsinkwithmyships, calum_xxx_hood, thatfangirlingfreak & Cakealltheway for their comments!
> 
> xoxo


	15. Chapter 15

“She’s asleep.”

Luke felt nauseous, cracking the knuckles on his left hand as he pressed his phone closer to his ear with his right. He almost couldn’t hear his mother on the other end of the line, the noise in the pub was so loud, but that wasn’t going to keep him from calling to check in on Ruby.

It was the first time he’d been away from her, and the anxiety was making him feel ill.

The idea of hanging out had been Michael’s idea, and he’d called Calum and Ashton while Luke was still sitting in his living room on Wednesday to put it into practice. He promised it’d be a few beers at their favourite local pub and a chance to hang out and reconnect.

The idea – in theory – was a good one. Luke knew he needed the normalcy, and Calum thought he needed the break away from Ruby. While Luke didn’t agree, the gentle tears of joy his mother had cried when he’d asked her to babysit made the anxiety worth it.

But now, thirty minutes and halfway into his first beer, Luke wasn’t sure he could do it. He knew Ruby was asleep in the travel cot he’d dropped off at his parent’s place, that she was _fine_ , but he’d been so entangled in her for so long, he wasn’t sure who he was without her.

He felt different; naked, like without her he was half a man. But the look on Calum’s face when they laced their fingers over the centre console of Calum’s ute made him feel alive again, the pride making his face heat up, and a smile to pull at his lips.

 _It’s just a beer or two_ , his warm voice had assured Luke, and even Luke couldn’t deny his need for normal.

But he’d pretended he needed to pee and instead called his mother, who placated him, which he was grateful for.

“She’s fine,” she repeated. “Sleeping in the den while your father watches the St George game.”

Luke bit down on his lip ring. “Alright,” he mumbled. “Will you call me if she wakes up?”

“I promise I will,” Liz assured him softly. “Just enjoy yourself, honey. You deserve a break.”

Luke didn’t know what to say to her, and they hung up quickly. As much as he hated being away from Ruby, he was doing it for his mother, too. He knew he’d been so distant since the funerals, how keeping Ruby away – unintentionally – was breaking her heart.

He just couldn’t bear to be in the house without Ben, and the ten minutes he had been when he’d dropped Ruby off hurt more than he could imagine. He’d needed to get out of there, with a promise to pick Ruby up later, and had tried not to cry as he drove home to meet up with Calum.

“Liar.”

He jumped, looking over at Calum’s warm smile from where he stood behind him.

“I knew you’d call Liz.”

Luke pocketed his phone with a guilty smile. “I’m sorry,” he admitted ruefully. “I just feel bad for leaving her.”

Calum walked forward and wrapped his arm around Luke’s slender waist. “Don’t apologize,” he mumbled softly. “I hate the thought of being without her too.”

Luke smiled, pressing his face into Calum’s neck. “You do?”

“Course,” he mumbled. “God, leaving for training and practice _hurts_ , Luke.”

Luke hugged him gently, carding his fingers through Calum’s dark curls. “I’m sorry that we haven’t done this in a while.”

Calum hummed softly. “We’ve been busy with Ruby, it’s not like we’ve been wasting time.”

Luke pulled back, fingers trailing down Calum’s jaw. “It hasn’t been the same.”

Calum’s eyes softened, his hand squeezing Luke’s hip. “I love you, that’s still the same.”

“You sure this is still okay? The baby thing?”

Calum kissed him softly, and Luke felt a spark run up his spine. They’d exchanged kisses lately, but not like this. Not the type that made Luke feel soft around all his hard edges, or made his fingertips tingle.

He’d missed these kinds of kisses.

“You have a daughter,” Calum mumbled against his mouth. “The way it happened sucks, but I love you, and I love her, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Luke’s smile fell slightly, and he immediately berated himself for it. He was glad that Calum didn’t see, because he knew he’d ask what it was about, and Luke didn’t know how to explain the disappointment at hearing Calum say that Ruby was his daughter only.

And he didn’t know how to follow that up with the guilt he felt at assuming Calum would consider her his, too. He couldn’t expect that of him, not now, but it felt wrong to think that Ruby was only his. Calum had been there for all of it too, the night time feedings and the crying fits and the spit ups and _everything_.

Luke would catch him nursing Ruby, saying _Ca-LUM_ in an exaggerated way, as if he expected her to say it back to him, just because he asked her to. They were connected, and Luke could _see_ it. They would share smiles every Saturday morning when Calum would watch whatever football game that he’d recorded from the night before, be it soccer, rugby league or AFL. He’d hold Ruby in the crook of his arm as he spooned his Nutra Grain cereal into his mouth, and focus on dishing out his thoughts at the referees whenever they made a trumped up call.

Or the times they were too tired to bath her, so Calum would volunteer to share his shower. Luke would stand in the dry zone, handing the wriggling, naked baby over into his strong arms so he could bath her, holding her securely as he washed her with a pink washcloth, singing softly to calm her whenever the water surprised her.

Ruby was as much Calum’s as she was Luke’s, and it broke his heart to think that Calum didn’t agree.

“Let’s get back,” Calum murmured, pressing another kiss to Luke’s lips, but this time, the spark up his spine was gone.

“Okay,” he agreed softly, putting a smile on his face as they headed back into the pub.

**

“Another?”

Luke looked into his glass at the warm beer that gathered at the bottom, and shook his head to answer Ashton’s question.

“Alright,” the older man nodded. “You guys?”

Both Calum and Michael nodded, and Ashton smiled at Luke, nodding towards the bar. “Come help?”

Luke slid off his bar stool and followed Ashton through the Saturday night crowd to the bar, leaning up against the solid wood.

“You alright?”

Luke blinked over at Ashton, at his warm eyes, and nodded. “It’s hard to be away from Ruby.”

Ashton shook his head. “No, not that. With Cal? Is everything okay?”

Luke sighed, his shoulders sagging. “I miss him, Ash.”

Ashton’s brows furrowed, looking away for a moment to order three beers before his attention was back on Luke. “I don’t follow.”

Luke sighed again, looking over at Calum and Michael laughing across the room. “I miss him,” he repeated. “Look at him, Ash. I haven’t seen him laugh at home in months.”

Ashton’s eyes followed Luke’s path, and he reached out to rest his hand on Luke’s forearm. “So go over there and kiss the hell out of him,” he advised softly. “He’s not lost, Luke. He lost Ben too, and he’s processing, just like you. He’s still here.”

Luke hated the burn of tears, and the inner voice inside himself telling him all the wrong things. He felt lost and he hated that, like he was wading through a dark fog and there was no end in sight.

“Mikey said you mentioned that you guys still haven’t slept together. Are you still worried about that?”

Luke felt a little exposed, like his secrets were on display, even though Ashton knew it already. “What if I’m not enough? He’s sticking around – with no sex – and he doesn’t laugh, and what if he’s just staying because Ben and Sarah died?”

The possibility made Luke’s head spin, and he sucked in a sharp breath.

“Alright, stop,” Ashton said, his hands landing on Luke’s shoulders. “Don’t you even _think_ anything like that, ever again. It’s an insult to Calum, and I won’t have it.”

Luke looked up at Ashton with wide eyes.

“Secondly, you’re an idiot.”

“Hey,” Luke mumbled, his brow forming a frown. “Mean.”

Ashton smiled. “You’re delusional if you think Calum is only staying because of what happened. That stupid guy loves you, and it’s so obvious.”

Luke looked over at him again, to find Calum looking at him. The smile on Luke’s face was genuine when Calum’s smile grew, and lifted his hand to wave.

“It’s the worst part of me,” Luke explained softly. “That’s the stuff that comes out, now. Before, I was never like this, Ash, and now…”

“And now you’re trying to figure out how to live your life without Ben and Sarah. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but you have to push through it, and remember that we all love you; hurt, sad, happy, angry. Whatever you are, we love you. _Calum_ loves you.”

Luke looked down at the floor momentarily, and when he looked up, Calum was still smiling over at him.

**

“She all tucked in?”

Luke smiled tiredly, and nodded his head as he joined Calum on the couch. “She went straight down,” he explained. “In the cot.”

Calum raised his eyebrows. “The cot, huh? What bought that on?”

Luke reached out for Calum’s hand, turning it over in his. He traced his finger over his palm, concentrating on the simple movement. “Moving on.”

Calum curled his fingers, trapping Luke’s in his palm. “It hurts, doesn’t it?”

Luke looked up, and could see the pain in Calum’s eyes. “You know how it feels.”

“I do,” Calum said softly. “I lost them too.”

Luke leant forward, his hand cupping around the back of Calum’s neck, and pressed their lips together. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his eyes falling shut.

Calum pulled him closer, dragging Luke into his lap to wrap his arms around his waist tightly. “You’re so sad, and I try not to say anything-“

“Oh God,” Luke whispered. “Don’t say it, please don’t say it. That I’m too sad for you to talk to, Calum. _Please_.”

“I won’t say it,” Calum promised, but the words were already hanging between them. “I miss you, Luke.”

And Luke knows what he means, can hear the silent _you haven’t been the same since_ and he thought it would come with guilt, that knowing Calum missed who he was would make him feel terrible, like he’d taken himself away from the other man, but it just made him want to try harder to give himself back.

He pressed his mouth to Calum’s, kissing him sweetly but with desperation Luke couldn’t help but feel. He was damned if he was going to lose Calum, because all he felt lately was loss.

But Calum was stopping him, his hand pushing Luke’s shoulder away.

“What?” Luke asked softly, embarrassed as he leant away.

“Why?” Calum responded. “Why now?”

“Why not now?” Luke asked, hurt by the fact Calum was questioning him.

“It needs to be for the right reasons,” Calum explained softly, his fingers smoothing over Luke’s stubbled jaw. “I love you and I want you, always. But not if it’s because you’re sad.”

“I love you,” Luke whispered. “And we haven’t done this in so long and I’m not going to let this fall apart, Calum.”

“I don’t need sex to hold us together.”

“Jesus,” Luke sighed, sliding off of Calum’s lap. “Are you saying I do?”

“No,” Calum said softly, reaching out to cup his elbow, but Luke pulled away.

“Don’t treat me like that,” he demanded angrily. “Like I can’t make my own decisions.”

“Shut up,” Calum breathed, leaning over to kiss him softly. “Stop being so proud and pissed off at me for asking.”

“You’re a jerk,” Luke muttered. “I’m _trying_ here.”

“I know,” Calum smiled, tugging Luke closer. “But I’m not going to stop checking if you’re okay.”

Luke wasn’t sure what he wanted more – for things to go back to normal with Calum, or to hold onto the care that emanated off the older man in waves. There was so much love, he knew that would never go away, but things had changed so much and so fast that his head was spinning.

“C’mere.”

Luke looked over at Calum’s tired brown eyes and he smiled, leaning over to press their lips together gently. He was warm and solid and Luke remembered every part of him.

Calum’s hands were warm when he practically lifted Luke into his lap, and Luke’s knees pressed tightly to his hips and his hands landed on his strong shoulders.

“God, Luke,” Calum mumbled, his hands gripping his hips tightly for a moment before sneaking up underneath Luke’s t-shirt to touch his sides.

Luke whimpered at the feel of his warm fingertips, his hands roaming over Calum’s shoulders, slipping in underneath the collar of the fabric to trace the tattoos on his collarbones from memory.

Calum’s lips broke away from Luke’s, pressing soft, tender kisses to his jaw and down his throat, tongue peeking out of his mouth to slide over his throat, his hands pushing the younger man’s shirt up further.

The spark ignited almost immediately, and for a quick second, Luke was _relieved_. They hadn’t lost whatever it was that bought them together; the want, the fire was still there. He whimpered and leant his head back to give Calum more access to his neck, his hands grabbing handfuls of his t-shirt to hold on.

“I love you, Luke,” Calum mumbled against his skin, his hands gripping him tightly to keep him close.

“I want to,” Luke panted out softly, lifting his head up to focus his dazed eyes on Calum. “Do you want to?”

“I always want to,” Calum said softly.

Luke almost felt frantic, but the emotional need was there too, and he tried hard not to let that show. Being wanted, even in his broken state, made him feel warm from the inside out.

“Luke, babe,” Calum mumbled, his mouth still against Luke’s skin, his fingers tugging his shirt up and off to press his lips to his chest. “It’s okay.”

Luke’s hands moved cup to cradle Calum’s skull, gasping softly against the threat of tears. “I don’t want to cry.”

“I know,” Calum mumbled, pulling back far enough to connect their eyes. “But it’s okay if you do.”

Luke sniffed, a watery smile settling on his lips. “Why are you so great?”

Calum grinned. “Well, my DNA is pretty superior,” he sighed. “Then there’s the absolute game I got in high school and I’ve been getting better ever since.”

Luke raised his eyebrows, rolling his eyes. “Really? Do you know how unattractive you are just from that one sentence alone?”

Calum smiled, his fingertips dancing over Luke’s exposed skin. “You look so beautiful when you roll your eyes at me.”

Luke blushed, could feel his cheeks flare red.

“You’re so perfect, Luke,” Calum mumbled, leaning in to nudge their noses together. “I’m so in love with you.”

Luke kissed him, their mouths sliding together slowly, letting the passion bleed between them. It was a feeling Luke had missed, but he’d not known how much until Calum’s hands were on him, dragging over his pale skin and making soft sounds of want as they kissed.

He could feel the same, desperate love between them that had been there all along, the love that had lost its way over the previous weeks, but it was still there, just below the surface, and trading lazy, adoring kisses was enough to bring it right back between them.

Luke wasn’t sure how long he sat in Calum’s lap, the older man’s hands exploring his back slowly as they kissed, but he was breathless when he pulled away, his eyes closed against the warmth and he quickly pulled Calum’s shirt up and off, his fingertips gliding down his chest and over his abs to fall to his belt.

“You sure?” Calum whispered as he panted, eyes dark with want.

Luke nodded, unbuckling his belt slowly. “You?”

Calum nodded, kissing his nose. “Yeah, always.”

Luke could remember his first time when he was seventeen. His high school boyfriend, Jason, had been the love of his life – at the time, anyway – and he’d been infatuated quickly. He was one of Jack’s friends, who had drunkenly told Luke one night that the only reason he tolerated Jack, was because of him.

Luke had been shocked and confused, but had kissed back when the older boy pressed their lips together. It was how their relationship started, really. Stolen kisses whenever Jack wasn’t looking, that always sent a thrill up Luke’s spine, because he _knew_ Jack would hate that Jason was interested in his little brother.

And Luke had been right. He and Jason hadn’t been nearly as careful one Friday night, when Jack had invited a bunch of friends over to gulp down vodka he’d stolen from their parents, and when Jason disappeared to the “bathroom” for a little _too_ long, Jack had stumbled drunkenly down the hall and into Luke’s room.

To say they’d been caught in a compromised situation, would be putting it lightly. Luke expected Jason to turn against him, to join in with Jack’s anger and merciless mocking, but he’d stood up for him, even though Jack was kind of drunk and in fine form.

Jason had asked Luke to be his boyfriend later that night, and Luke had accepted. It took them almost ten months for Luke to work up the courage to sleep with him, and despite how terrified he’d been, he’d been glad he’d done it.

He’d loved Jason, in some teenage, high school way, but nothing could compare to Calum.

Calum’s hands were warm and strong when he tipped Luke over onto his back on the couch, crawling over him to seal their lips in a lazy kiss as he pushed his jeans off, his hands quickly unbuckling Luke’s belt, too.

His heart thundered in his chest, lifting his hips when Calum’s fingers curled in his jeans and boxer briefs, letting him peel them off to discard on the floor. The heat in his fingertips pressed against Calum’s shoulders, and he gave himself over to the pleasure as Calum’s hand slid up his inner thigh.

The last thought he had before he gave himself over to the other man, was that it was all going to be okay.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Australia Day to all the Aussie's reading my story! I hope you all had an awesome day chilling out and celebrating this beautiful country!
> 
> Thank you to everyone reading and subscribing and leaving kudos! It's so lovely of you!
> 
> Special thanks to Wizardofoz, Coco_Decon, Cakealltheway, daisy_maus, horanswillie & ishallsinkwithmyships for their awesome comments, keep 'em coming!
> 
> xoxo


	16. Chapter 16

Luke didn’t like this.

He didn’t like being out in the cold on a Friday night, Ruby wrapped up warmly in his arms as he waited in line for his coffee before finding his way down through the crowd to watch Calum in his first game back from injury.

He thought it was too soon, despite the fact the older man hadn’t needed his brace in two weeks, and that his trainers were more than confident he’d recovered spectacularly from his injury.

But when Calum had asked him to come to his first game, to bring Ruby along as well, Luke had hesitantly agreed. As long as Michael and Ashton tagged along, too.

It still wasn’t enough to set his mind at ease, and despite the soft kisses they’d traded before Luke had left him to it in the change rooms, he was still twisted up inside, hoping with everything he had, that Calum would be _fine_.

“And here’s your latte.”

Luke blinked at the man who extended his coffee towards him, and smiled politely as he took it. “Thank you.”

“Luke!”

Luke looked up at the sound of his name to see Michael inching through the crowd, a frown pinched onto his face as he side stepped soccer fans and eager kids. It wasn’t his kind of environment, but Luke hadn’t taken no for an answer. If he had to sit on the edge of his seat and watch Calum play, then his friends would have to, too.

“Hey,” Luke greeted, hiking the baby bag up on his shoulder as he juggled Ruby and his coffee.

Michael took the cup from him, his expression still twisted into a frown.

“What’s wrong?”

“What?” Michael asked. “Nothing. Have you seen Ashton? Is he still coming?”

Luke shrugged, leading Michael away from the concession stand toward the steps to take them down to the private box behind the player’s bench. “He said he was yesterday. You haven’t seen him?”

“No,” Michael said curtly, taking a sip from Luke’s cup.

Luke frowned, and was about to press Michael for more details, when he saw Ashton.

At least, he _thought_ it was Ashton. The man walking towards him looked like his friend, but his usual smile was gone, replaced with a look between pissed off and heartbroken.

“What happened?” Luke questioned Michael immediately, and feared the worst.

“Nothing,” Michael insisted, looking away from Ashton, and took another sip of coffee.

“Mikey.”

Michael sighed. “He’s upset because Harry is back in town, and we hooked up.”

“ _What_?” Luke hissed, his eyes widening. “You _cheated_ on Ashton?”

Michael’s frown deepened. “I didn’t _cheat_ on anyone,” he said pointedly. “Ashton and I were never exclusive, he knew that. But he showed up at my place this morning and Harry was there and he got all upset and weird.”

Luke’s heart ached for his friend. He could only imagine how Ashton felt, how heartbroken it would have been to see Michael with someone else.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Ashton said by way of greeting, his attention on Michael.

“Yeah,” Michael mumbled. “But Luke asked, so…”

“Where’s Harry?” Ashton demanded. “He’s back, so I figured his dick would be permanently in your ass.”

Luke bit at his lip ring as people around them reacted to Ashton’s comment, shooting him a glare or two. “Guys, can we please not do this here?” he mumbled.

“Why not here?” Ashton demanded angrily. “Apparently Michael has no problem fucking me over, so why not talk about it?”

“I didn’t fuck you over,” Michael insisted. “I don’t get why you’re all pissy about this. What we had was casual, what I have with Harry is casual.”

“So, you want to keep on fucking around with me?” Ashton demanded. “Are you that desperate that you need more than one man?”

“Oh screw you,” Michael scoffed. “I’m not going to stand here and let you call me a whore.”

“Well, by definition, you are one,” Ashton said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Ash,” Luke sighed, grabbing at his sleeve.

“What?” Ashton demanded, his eyes landing on Luke for the first time. “Apparently I don’t mean enough to even get a _text_ before he slept with someone else.”

“I don’t owe you shit,” Michael hissed. “I’ve always been upfront about what this was, and you don’t get to drag me through the mud because your feelings are hurt.”

“You don’t know shit about my feelings,” Ashton spat angrily. “You don’t give a shit about how I feel, as long as you’re getting laid, right?”

Luke grabbed at Ashton’s jacket and tugged, trying to pull him away from Michael. He was worried that fists would fly, and he really couldn’t have that happen.

“Let me go,” Ashton snapped.

“No,” Luke insisted, pushing him away from Michael. “Not until you calm down. You can’t do this here.”

Ashton’s eyes met Luke’s, and his shoulders slumped. “Shit,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

Luke led him away from Michael and out of the way of the other spectators. “Ash, I’m really sorry that he-“

“Hooked up with Harry?” Ashton finished bitterly. “I should’ve expected it, you know? He’s not interested in me for anything more than casual sex. I should’ve known that the moment that things got weird that it would be over.”

Luke bit down on his lip ring and watched Michael descend down the stairs toward the box, and he wanted to slap him, just a little.

“I’m fine,” Ashton insisted, tugging at his jacket. “At least I know, right? That he doesn’t feel the same way about me that I do about him. Better that I know now before I get too invested.”

“You’re already invested,” Luke murmured softly. “You’re in love with him.”

“I know that,” Ashton snapped, and let out a sigh, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m sorry, Luke.”

“Don’t be,” Luke assured him softly. “I’m sorry that this happened.”

Ashton forced a smile onto his lips. “I think I knew, deep down. Despite how easy it was with him, how easy it was to fall for him…”

Luke pulled him into a hug, mindful of Ruby. “I’m still sorry,” he mumbled.

Ashton sighed. “Can I cuddle Ruby?”

Luke let him go and smiled. “Of course, she can ease even the most desperate heartache.”

He passed her over gently, making sure her beanie stayed on her head against the bitter cold. He led Ashton down the concrete staircase to the box and filed in, sitting down beside Michael to put space between them.

“Okay, we’re here for Calum,” Luke said, looking to his right at Michael. “Can you two keep it civil?”

“Yes,” Michael mumbled moodily.

Ashton nodded.

“Alright,” Luke exhaled.

**

“Are you okay?”

Calum laughed, slinging his backpack over his shoulder, his dark eyes warm as he slid his arm around Luke’s waist. “I’m _fine_ ,” he insisted, fresh from his shower after the game. “Where’s the baby?”

“With Ashton,” Luke answered. “But don’t change the subject. I mean it, Cal. Is your knee okay?”

“Did it look okay when I scored the winning goal?” Calum asked, puffing his chest out with pride.

Luke smiled, pressing his nose into Calum’s neck. “Yeah, alright, you looked okay.”

Calum laughed, hugging him close. “I feel _great_ , Luke. Better than I have in months. My knee is healed, my game is on point and I am so _ready_ for scouts next month.”

Luke sighed, his arm fitting around Calum’s waist. “Alright, I believe you. But don’t be a cowboy, okay? Don’t push it.”

“I won’t, I promise,” Calum nodded, kissing his lips.

Luke let himself get lost in it, letting out a soft, dreamy sound, until he remembered the reason he’d met Calum in the tunnel after the game.

“Michael slept with Harry and Ashton is devastated.”

“Woah,” Calum commented. “What?”

They fell into step together, and Luke bit down on his lip ring. “Apparently Harry is back in town, and Ashton showed up at Michael’s this morning and Harry was there. In almost nothing.”

“Shit,” Calum mumbled. “Michael slept with him?”

Luke nodded. “Yeah. Picked him up yesterday and slept with him last night. Needless to say, they’re not talking, and when they do, it’s pretty brutal.”

“Poor Ash,” Calum commented.

“Yeah,” Luke agreed. “And I left them alone with Ruby to come and get you, and who knows what’s happened in the last three minutes.”

They reached the end of the tunnel to find Michael and Ashton sitting silently in the empty private box. Ashton still cradled Ruby against his chest, his eyes looking out over the field listlessly, as Michael scrolled on his phone.

Luke was hesitant to even approach them, unsure if that would pour fuel on the fire or not, but Ashton saw him, and raised his hand in a wave.

“C’mon,” Calum murmured, squeezing his hip as they walked towards them.

“Hey, great game!” Ashton called out, standing up from his seat.

“Thanks, man,” Calum smiled warmly, holding open the small gate and let Luke step through.

“Yeah,” Michael nodded. “Good stuff.”

Calum’s hands rested on Luke’s hips, following him up the aisle and into the row of seats where their friends sat.

“I’ve gotta get going,” Michael said, zipping up his hoodie. “But really, dude. Great game.”

“Where are you running off to?” Luke questioned.

“You have to ask?” Ashton grumbled.

“Jesus Christ,” Michael sighed, rolling his eyes. “Would you get off my fucking back? Yeah, I probably should’ve been upfront with you about Harry, but he called yesterday and asked me to pick him up, and I did and it just _happened_. I didn’t know I had to stop and text you before fucking someone else.”

“Screw you, Michael,” Ashton demanded angrily. “It’d be alright if I was some random dude you were screwing, but I’m not. The fact that our friendship means fucking nothing to you, is a good indication of how little you think of me.”

“Why are you taking this so personal?” Michael demanded, throwing his hands up. “He’s my boyfriend!”

“Oh, some boyfriend,” Ashton scoffed. “Did you stop to think about when he leaves before you spread your legs? How he’s just going to disappear and fuck other guys?”

“So what?” Michael spat. “I fucked you when he left!”

“Guys!” Luke sighed tiredly, prying Ruby out of Ashton’s grasp. “Could you please stop yelling at each other?”

“Tell him,” Michael said moodily, crossing his arms over his chest. “There’s no problem here, but he’s _making_ one.”

“Fuck you,” Ashton spat angrily.

Michael turned to look at him, his eyes wide. “What is it?” he demanded. “What the hell did I do to you?”

“You’ve got no idea,” Ashton said, shaking his head. “The last few months have been different, Michael. You and me, we started this thing and at first I just took it as it come, but then it started to change.”

“That’s just it, it never did,” Michael insisted stubbornly. “We were casual sex and that was it.”

“Yeah, well. I guess I fucked it all up because I fell for you.”

Luke bit his lip, watching as Ashton’s shoulders sagged, and Michael’s face paled.

“W-what?” Michael mumbled softly.

Ashton dug his hand into his pocket for his keys, and jingled them in his hand. “Give me my key back. The one I gave you? A few weeks ago? I want it back.”

Michael frowned. “No, what? Shut up about keys,” he demanded. “What are you _talking_ about, Ash?”

“Fucking nothing,” Ashton demanded. “I made such a massive fucking mistake sleeping with you, and I regret it completely.”

Michael reached out to grab at his sleeve, and gave it a tug. “Tell me what you mean.”

Ashton reefed his arm away from Michael. “I fell in love with you,” he said angrily. “And it was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Michael’s shoulders dropped and he walked away, and before Luke knew it, he was edging out of the row, away from Ashton, away from his friends.

“Mike!” Calum called, but the other man couldn’t be stopped, jogging up the concrete steps to follow the signs to the exit of the stadium.

Luke’s eyes were on Ashton, watching as the older man sank back down onto his seat, running a hand through his unruly curls.

“Well, I fucked that up, didn’t I?” he asked, letting out a mirthless laugh.

Luke juggled Ruby and sat down beside him, his hand finding Ashton’s knee. “You were honest,” he mumbled. “Maybe you needed to be.”

“Good lot that did me,” Ashton sighed tiredly. “Jesus, I really fucked it up. I doubt he’d talk to me again.”

“You don’t know that,” Luke eased.

“He’s probably just mad,” Calum offered.

“Maybe,” Ashton mumbled. He sighed and smoothed his head down his thighs. “Do you think you guys could check up on him, later on? He won’t answer if I call.”

Luke shared a look with Calum, but he nodded. “Of course.”

“Thanks,” Ashton said, smiling tightly. “I should probably get going. I’ve got early meetings tomorrow. Congrats on the game though, dude.”

“Thanks,” Calum smiled, pulling Ashton into a hug when the other man stood.

“Drive safe,” Ashton said, leaning down to press a kiss to Luke’s cheek.

Luke watched him go, taking the stairs two at a time and following Michael’s path, and he wondered if his friends would ever be friends again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys! Something incredible happened! My niece was born on Thursday! I got to be there for her birth, and she is just so incredible and lovely. I've been so busy catching up on sleep and babysitting my other niece, which is why this chapter is a day or so late! 
> 
> I wish it was a happier one, but alas...it's not. At least nothing bad happened with Cake, right?! Mashton has kind of taken over and blown things apart, haven't they? I'm really interested to hear everyone's thoughts about this, because it's obviously a very big shift change in the Mashton storyline!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's reading, subscribing and leaving kudos! It's so lovely of you!
> 
> Special thanks to thominhoplease, the ever-changing asocialreader, horanswillie and Coco_Decon for their comments, and thanks for reading my rambling replies, too!
> 
> xoxo


	17. Chapter 17

Luke wasn’t sure why, when he woke up on Tuesday morning the previous week, he wanted to go back to work. Calum had an early training session and it was raining lightly outside, and Ruby seemed particularly unsettled, Luke stood in the kitchen looking out into his small back yard, at the lush green grass and small garden shed, and decided that yeah, he could go back to work.

The principal had been thrilled, and Luke had managed to fulfil some of his plans out of his diary, and didn’t feel quite like a failure as a teacher anymore. He’d be back with enough time to implement his HSC preparation schedule, and managed to come up with an alternative plan to combat the time he’d missed.

It felt right; and his mum had been overjoyed at the idea of taking care of Ruby for a few hours until Calum got home.

He’d named his first day back as the following Monday, and used the rest of the week to prepare, including trying to compartmentalize his emotions about the thought of leaving Ruby. He knew it would hurt, that the guilt would be paramount, but he knew he couldn’t just wallow with her forever. She needed him to be a whole person.

So he’d shunned his demons, or so he thought.

Waking up, Luke had felt anxious from the moment his eyes had opened. The bed was cold next to him, Calum had vacated it over an hour earlier to squeeze in some time at the gym before training. Luke lay there, staring up at the ceiling, the sheets pulled up to his chest and his fingers curled tightly into the fabric.

His heart pounded, his vision swam, and he realized he could _not_ leave Ruby.

He was locked in his panic until the sound of Ruby waking up sounded from the baby monitor. Luke loved her waking up sounds – the little snorts and sighs and yawns as she rolled over in her cot, letting out a cursory little cry as if she was calling out to him.

He’d always creep down the hall and into her room, calling out a soft _good morning_ that would make her grin up at him.

But he felt frozen.

Her soft little cry tapered off, and she followed it up by a longer cry, a _where are you_ sort of cry that made the guilt crush his chest, but he still couldn’t get up.

He wanted to call Calum and tell him he’d made a mistake, that it was too soon to go back to work.

His thoughts spiralled further, and he felt like he’d fallen down the rabbit hole, but Ruby’s indignant cry turned into a drawn-out sob, and he scrambled out of bed quickly. His footsteps thundered down the hall, shoving the door open to Ruby’s bedroom.

She was sprawled on her back, her cheeks wet with tears as she looked up at him, hands reaching towards him as if he could soothe her every hurt.

Luke scooped her up, kissing away the teardrops and cuddled her against his chest. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered softly to her.

She let out a soft, sad sigh, her head lying against his shoulder as her hands curled in his t-shirt.

Luke closed his eyes and rocked her from side to side, his hand rubbing slow circles on her back. He blinked away a few tears he hadn’t been aware of, and came to a realization – he _had_ to go back to work.

Even if he wasn’t ready, he couldn’t be everything she needed if he just sat in his house and held her. He had to find himself again, be someone else than just her guardian.

He spent an extra twenty minutes giving her a cuddle before they started their morning routine – some rice cereal and banana for Ruby, and a few weet-bix and milk for Luke. He’d make himself a coffee and plant Ruby in her bouncer while he got dressed before dressing her for the day.

He tried to focus on one task at a time, not on what was to come. He knew if he thought about school, he wouldn’t leave the house.

Time got away from him, and by the time he was loading the baby in the car he was close to fifteen minutes later than he’d hoped, and the drive to his parent’s place was frantic, at best.

He was relieved to see that his dad had left for work already, and while Luke wasn’t looking forward to exchanging pleasantries with his mother, he could at least use his late start as an excuse to leave.

“Alright,” he mumbled, getting Ruby out of the car and grabbing her bag, slinging it over his shoulder.

He tread up the familiar path to the door and knocked twice.

The door opened quickly, revealing his mother’s face. “Good morning, my two babies.”

Luke managed a smile – that felt like a grimace – and stepped inside. “She’s had her breakfast, but she’s going to be due for a bottle at ten,” he explained quickly, putting her bag on the couch. “For lunch there’s some sweet potato and apple in her bag, but she’s not really fussed on the sweet potato. I’m happy if she has the apple at least, but you might need to move her bottle earlier if she doesn’t have the sweet potato,” he rushed out.

His mother smiled widely. “Well look at you,” she rested her hand on his arm. “You’ve grown up so much, Luke. Ben would be proud.”

The mention of his name broke something inside of Luke, and suddenly, he was surrounded by his brother. The photos on the walls, the memory of playing video games in the living room, top-and-tailing in his bed when Luke had a nightmare.

He sucked in a sharp breath and felt it get stuck in his throat. He coughed, feeling tears sting at his eyes.

“This was a mistake,” he mumbled out softly.

“Honey?”

He looked at his mother, his vision blurred with tears. “I’m not ready,” he rushed out. “To leave her, I don’t want to leave her.”

What he wanted to say was simple – he didn’t want to leave her there, in that house, without him. There was too much sadness, written in the lines of his mother’s face, and the turned down corners of her lips.

Ben was everywhere, and the longer Luke stood there, between the front door and the living room, the harder it became to breathe. He’d gotten so good at focusing on Ruby, trying not to go to the place that consumed in him the weeks after Ben and Sarah’s deaths. The crippling grief and desperate anger at the universe for taking them away, leaving Ruby an orphan.

“You should sit down,” his mother eased, her hand on his arm. “You’re pale.”

“I don’t want to,” he whispered, his voice breaking over the words. “I can’t _be_ here, mum.”

Her sadness was written on her face, and it was just another thing to make Luke hate himself. She had lost a son, and because of Luke’s grief, a granddaughter, too.

“I have to go,” he said quickly, picking the baby bag up again, and headed for the door.

“Please don’t go,” she begged him softly. “I can take care of her for you.”

Luke’s chin wobbled, and he looked through the screen door and to his car in the driveway. He was so _close_ to getting out of there, but each word his mother spoke cut through him like a knife.

“Honey, I lost him too.”

Luke bit down on his bottom lip so hard he winced. He couldn’t break down, not then. Not there. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, turning back to look at her as a few silent tears slipped down his cheeks.

She opened her mouth to say something, but hesitated. “Alright,” she said finally, crossing her arms over her chest. “Will you call me later, please?”

He nodded, resting his hand against Ruby’s back. She rested her head on his shoulder, oblivious to his pain. He turned to press a kiss to his mother’s cheek, wishing he could muster the courage to be _honest_.

“I love you, mum.”

**

Luke got five minutes away from his parent’s house, and burst into tears. He quickly pulled off the road and put the car into park, and cushioned his head on the steering wheel as involuntary sobs spilled from his mouth.

His fingertips pressed against his bottom lip, wanting to stuff the sobs back into his mouth. He couldn’t _do_ this. He was late for his first day back, he couldn’t leave Ruby, and he could _not_ stop crying.

He ached to call Calum, to admit that he’d failed and that he couldn’t do it – be a parent and a teacher and a boyfriend and a son. It was too much, and he was so _angry_. At Ben, at Sarah, his parents, Jack, _life_.

It was the anger that managed to hold the next bout of sobs behind his lips, and with determination he didn’t know he had, he wiped his tears, and pulled back onto the road.

**

“Mr Hemm-woah!”

Luke knew he probably looked crazy. He was balancing Ruby on one hip, her baby bag and his messenger bag hooked over his other shoulder. His face was red from crying and his shirt was untucked and the anger that had managed to get him to work was fading into blind panic.

His year twelve class sat silent in front of him, their eyes sympathetic and uncomfortable as he spilled into the classroom. He’d missed his first support lesson, but was only a few minutes late for his English class. He had the syllabus, the HSC practice exams, and not enough mental stability to teach them _anything_.

And if it wasn’t bad enough, Ruby coughed and threw up her rice cereal on the soft blue fabric of his button down shirt.

He staggered backwards, his back hitting the whiteboard, and felt his chin wobble.

“Would you like me to get Mr Black?”

He wasn’t sure who the soft voice belonged to, but he nodded emphatically as Ruby started to whimper, his bags sliding off his shoulder and to the floor.

She was almost wailing by the time the students filed out of the room silently, their eyes avoiding him, and he couldn’t blame them. He was a mess, and completely deluded to think that he was at all ready to go back to work.

He sniffed and slid down the wall carefully, cradling Ruby close to him as she cried, and he thought that her sobs would cut through him like a knife, but he didn’t care. He just wanted her to _stop_ , to give him a second to gather his thoughts.

“Luke!”

Luke’s head whipped toward the door to see Calum there, out of breath and in his tank top he wore to the gym. His eyes were wide and frantic, his fingers curled around the doorframe as he sucked in a few breaths to calm himself.

“W-what?” Luke choked out.

“Your mum called,” Calum explained, entering the room and crouched down beside Luke, prying Ruby out of his arms. “She said you left upset, and wouldn’t answer your phone. I’ve been looking everywhere.”

Luke sniffed and looked down at the puke on his shirt. Ruby was still crying, and he felt like joining her.

“What happened?”

Luke looked over at Calum and felt the tears start to drip down his cheeks. “I can’t do it, Cal,” he mumbled. “Be her guardian, and a teacher and a whole person. I can’t.”

“You can,” Calum insisted softly, sitting down in front of him, patting Ruby’s bum. “You don’t have to do it all right now, though. No one is expecting you to be fine.”

“That’s just it,” Luke insisted. “I _want_ to be fine, I want to feel like her dad, but I don’t. I don’t feel like a person anymore!”

Calum reached out and took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You _are_ her dad, Luke,” he mumbled. “Even if it doesn’t feel like it. It’s only been two months, okay? You’re not meant to have your shit together two months after becoming a parent. The fact you _tried_ to go back to work is amazing.”

Luke snorted, wiping angrily at his tears. “I hate him, Cal. Why the hell did he do this? Why didn’t he fight harder to stay alive? What did he do wrong that made him hit the kangaroo?”

“Oh Luke,” Calum sighed.

“I mean it,” Luke said angrily. “He just gave up! And how was I supposed to say no to this, to the letter? Did he really think I would be able to let her go and live with Sarah’s parents? It’s so fucking selfish!”

“C’mon,” Calum mumbled. “Let’s go home.”

“No!” Luke shouted. “He _knew_ I’d keep Ruby, and he knew that I’d have no choice!”

“Jesus,” Calum snapped, exasperated. “You think this is helping, being mad at Ben? Does it make you feel any better?”

Luke looked over at him, his lips parted in surprise. He sniffed, looking away from the other man. “I don’t know how to feel better.”

Ruby, now quiet in Calum’s arms, reached towards Luke.

He looked over at her, at her blue eyes and wisps of blonde hair and watched her smile at him despite the hard look on his face. She _loved_ him, and he thought it was a blessing and a curse.

“C’mere,” he mumbled, taking her out of Calum’s arms and held her close, avoiding the stain on his shirt.

“You’re her dad, Luke,” Calum said softly. “I know it’s not right and it’s not the way it was supposed to happen, but you’re all she has. She needs you.”

Luke pressed his eyes shut, and kissed her shoulder. She was the last piece he had of Ben and Sarah, and while the realization that this was _it_ cut through him like a knife, he was grateful to have her.

“Let’s go home,” Calum suggested softly. “But you have to stop beating yourself up about being scared.”

Luke looked over at him, and felt the feelings of guilt and pain stir inside him. Calum looked so _old_. Like the events over the previous few months had aged him ten years, that the burden on Luke’s shoulders was equally weighted on his.

“Am I holding you back?”

“No,” Calum said easily. “Am I worried about you? Yeah, I am. Am I trying to see through all this to imagine our future? You bet. It’s not going to be easy, Luke, but it can’t get any harder than this.”

Luke leant forward, pressing his mouth against Calum’s gently. “Please don’t lie to me okay?” he whispered. “If it ever gets…too much.”

“Luke,” Calum mumbled against his mouth. “Stop saying that, okay? It makes me feel like you’re waiting for me to leave you, and if that’s what you think, there’s something really wrong.”

Luke stroked his cheek gently, tucking his head into Calum’s neck. “There’s nothing wrong,” he whispered. “It’s me. I’m just not the same, and sometimes _I_ don’t even want to be around me.”

Calum kissed over his shoulder. “Well, I’m where I want to be. All this won’t last forever, Luke. It takes time.”

Luke nodded, sniffing loudly as Ruby sighed softly between them. He sat back, cupping her cheek and kissed her forehead. “Can we go home?”

“Of course,” Calum whispered softly.

Luke looked over at him, and leant forward to press another kiss to his lips. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

**

Luke sighed, opening his eyes to stare at the curtains shut tightly in his room. Light tried to peak in around the fabric, and he could hear Calum in the kitchen, talking to Ruby.

He hadn’t wanted to talk when they’d arrived home that morning, and Calum hadn’t pushed. He told Luke he’d skip training, that he could watch Ruby for him, if he wanted. Luke had accepted, and stumbled down the hall into their room, and changed into his pyjamas before falling into bed.

He’d slept off and on, blinking awake when he heard the TV turn on, when Ruby had woken up after her morning nap. There was no drive inside him to push back the sheets and get up, despite Ruby’s sweet laughter from the living room, or the sound of Calum singing a nursery rhyme.

He was embarrassed and punishing himself for his spectacular failure at work. He wasn’t sure how he would explain himself to the principal, or if he’d ever be able to look his students in the eye again.

Obviously he wasn’t ready to go back, but he needed _something_ to change. He couldn’t just stay home and raise the baby and try and be the Luke he used to be, because it was driving him crazy. But he couldn’t think of any way to break out of the rut.

“Hey, you’re awake.”

Luke looked over at Calum and Ruby, standing in the doorway. “Hey.”

Calum smiled and stepped into the room, and crawled onto the bed with Luke. “We’ve missed you,” he told him, setting Ruby between them. “We had a nap and some of the pumpkin you pureed over the weekend. Interesting fact, this little one’s poop is the exact shade of the peach she had yesterday.”

Luke smiled, nuzzling his nose into Ruby’s chest. “Is that right?” he mused softly. “Well, aren’t you lucky that Calum is here?”

She laughed, her hands closing around soft tufts of his hair, giving a tug.

“How’re you feeling?”

Luke looked up at Calum and let out a tired sigh. “Okay. Like I’ve been through a washing machine.”

Calum smoothed his fingers through Luke’s messy hair. “I called your mum, explained what happened. She said she loves you.”

Luke nodded, looking down at the baby. “I think I should call her, later. I’ve been keeping her at arm’s length and it’s not fair.”

“In your own time,” Calum advised softly, kissing his forehead. “For now, you can get some more sleep or come watch TV with us. I’ve started dinner prep, and I even invited Ashton.”

“Yeah?” Luke asked softly. “So what’s for dinner, and will Ash make it?”

“He said he’d let me know, but I don’t think he will. I think he’s still embarrassed after last week.” Calum tickled Ruby’s foot. “And I decided to conquer my fear of cooking chicken, so we’re having a roast.”

“Wow,” Luke commented, his hand finding Calum’s forearm. “I’m a lucky guy.”

Calum leant down and kissed him gently. “So am I.”

Luke fought against the negative thoughts that popped into his head, and just pressed his lips back against Calum’s in another soft kiss. “I love you,” he mumbled.

“And I love you, and this little lady,” Calum smiled, tickling up Ruby’s leg until she giggled.

Luke smiled, looking down at her sweet smile and felt the strong connection to her he’d felt since he first laid eyes on her. He’d known back then that she would impact his life in some big way, but he never could’ve imagined this. But he had to be strong, for her.

He could do this.

He could.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're back to sad Luke...I'd say sorry, but unfortunately, grief knows no bounds and I tried to write this as realistically as I could!
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading and subscribing and leaving kudos! I'm so lucky to have you!
> 
> Special thanks to thominhoplease, daisy_maus, daisy_maus, horanswillie, Wizardofoz, calum_xxx_hood, Coco_Decon and shutupluke for their awesome comments!
> 
> xoxo


	18. Chapter 18

“So, when I agreed to visit you, I didn’t think we’d be doing _this_.”

Luke looked over his shoulder at Ashton, where he stood in the doorway to the bathroom. He quickly looked back at Ruby, who was cradled in his arms and in the bathtub. She kicked her little feet, a pink rubber ducky in her mouth as Luke gently swirled the water around her, keeping her warm.

“I’m sorry,” he said, using the washcloth to clean her tummy. “It’s getting colder at night so I’m trying to bath her earlier.”

“It’s not a problem,” Ashton smiled, stepping into the room and crouched beside Luke. “It’s actually kind of cute. Seeing you as a dad.”

Luke tried not to cringe at the D word, his brows knitting together for a moment before he was biting down on his lip ring. He laid the pink cloth over Ruby’s stomach, and reached for the baby soap, running the bar up her legs gently.

“I want to do this one day.”

Luke looked to his left t Ashton, a small smile forming on his lips. “Yeah? I think you’d be a great parent.”

Ashton hooked a stray curl behind his ear. “I hope so. I’ve always wanted to be a dad after spending so much of my time at home watching out for Harry and Lauren.”

“You were a dad to those two since day one, pretty much,” Luke said, scooping some water in his right hand to wet Ruby’s wispy blonde hair.

“It’d be different with my own, you know? I always think about it.”

“Adoption?” Luke queried.

Ashton shrugged. “It would depend on who I ended up with.”

Luke had managed to avoid asking about Michael since Ashton had arrived an hour ago, but the question was dying to slip out, and he looked back down at Ruby.

“What if it was Michael?”

Ashton sighed. “The Michael ship has sailed,” he said tiredly. “He’s not returning my calls or texts, and I’m too much of a chicken shit to go over there and see him.”

Luke washed Ruby’s hair and quickly rinsed the no tears shampoo from her head, tickling her tummy as she lay supported in his arms. She giggled, her eyes crinkling as he extended a green frog to her, which she took and shoved it in her mouth, gnawing on the toy.

“I miss him.”

Luke looked over at Ashton again and offered a sad smile. “It’s been a few weeks,” Luke eased gently. “Maybe he’ll calm down and get back to you.”

Ashton scoffed. “You and I both know that Michael Clifford doesn’t calm down, and he doesn’t apologize. Plus, I don’t know if we can get past this.”

Luke frowned, looking back at Ruby as she splashed. “Ash, this is _temporary_ ,” he insisted. “You guys just need to talk and work things out.”

“Work out _what_ , exactly?” Ashton asked. “How he doesn’t feel the same way, and how I’m just supposed to _accept_ that?”

Luke moved the washer from Ruby’s stomach and pried the frog out of her hands as he lifted her out of the water.

Ashton reached for her pink towel and helped wrap her up, and then the two men were heading for Ruby’s room.

“Ash, I’m sorry,” Luke said softly as he towel dried the baby. “I wish I could offer some sort of insight into the enigma that is Michael Clifford, but I can’t. Even Calum isn’t getting anywhere with him, and they go back even further than we do. It’s impossible to know how he feels.”

Ashton picked up a stuffed owl from Ruby’s crib, and turned it over in his hands. “But you can acknowledge that if he _did_ feel the same way about me as I do about him, he probably would’ve made contact by now.”

Luke frowned, drying underneath Ruby’s arms. “I…I don’t know. I guess?”

“Luke, it’s okay,” Ashton sighed, letting the stuffed toy fall from his hands. “I’m a big boy, and I’ve managed to accept the fact that the guy I love, doesn’t love me back.”

Luke focused on Ruby, putting a nappy on her, followed by a singlet and then her pyjamas – a soft, fleecy pink onesie decorated with purple hearts. He cradled her to his chest once she was dressed, and kissed her forehead, his eyes meeting Ashton’s.

“Really,” Ashton mumbled softly, a tired smile on his lips. “I’m okay.”

Luke bit at his lip ring. “Are you sure? Because it’s okay if you’re not.”

Ashton lifted the baby off of Luke’s chest and snuggled her gently. “I wasn’t the first week, and by the time I’d hooked up with two different guys, I knew the self-destructive behaviour had to change.”

“Yikes,” Luke commented with a smile, hanging Ruby’s towel up. “Anyone I know?”

Ashton shook his head. “One was a guy I’d dated before, the other guy was a random I met in a bar. I realized that sleeping around wasn’t going to make me feel better. But all I could think about was Michael with Harry.”

“Understandable,” Luke nodded, leading them out of Ruby’s room and back into the living room. “If it makes you feel any better, Harry left last weekend.”

Ashton sighed and sat down on the couch. “I wish it did make me feel better,” he admitted. “But then what if Michael is sadder that he left, instead of being sad about me and him?”

Luke sat down next to Ashton, and curled his legs up underneath himself. “So much for leaving the self-destructive behaviour behind you.”

Ashton laughed, patting Ruby’s rear. “True. So hey, subject change. How’s Cal?”

Luke smiled. “He’s good. The scouts are coming this week, and he’s really nervous. He’s been training like a madman and making sure his knee is up for the challenge.”

“So what will that mean, if he’s picked?”

Luke’s smile fell, and he picked at a thread on the couch cushion. He’d tried not to think about it, but he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer. This was what Calum had been working toward his whole career; to be picked to represent Australia.

But that didn’t mean the idea of him actually getting there didn’t terrify Luke completely.

“Overseas for a few months, probably,” he mumbled. “Brazil, Madrid or Shanghai.”

Ashton whistled. “Wow, tough stuff.”

Luke nodded.

“What about you and this one?”

Luke looked over at Ruby, who was yawning. “I support him,” Luke resigned. “He’s worked so hard to get this far, and I would want him to go. Even if it would kill me.”

Ashton extended his hand and squeezed Luke’s knee. “How about I move in if he has to go? You can give me a crash course in parenting.”

Luke laughed. “See, you offer that now but one day in this crazy place and you’ll be dying to get out.”

“And give up this little princess?” Ashton smiled, kissing her cheek. “Who wouldn’t want to wake up to this face?”

“Me,” Luke insisted. “After she’s gotten me up four or five times during the night!”

Ashton gasped softly, tickling under Ruby’s chin. “You wouldn’t do that, would you?”

“She would,” Luke insisted. “And she does. The whole routine just goes out the window for a few days a week like she knows something is going on.”

Ashton pressed a kiss to her forehead. “She knows you’re there,” he explained. “It’s a reassurance thing. Harry would do the same then when he was a kid. Just wander into my room and get into my bed with me, just to check I was still there.”

The idea that Ruby just wanted to see him, warmed Luke’s heart. It was so hard to raise her and do everything that Ben and Sarah would’ve wanted, while staying true to himself. He wanted to keep himself together for her, to make sure she grew up in a happy, stable home.

He knew the previous months had been the most up and down time period in both their lives, but Luke would _always_ be there, and he didn’t care if he had to get up four or five times a night to prove it to his daughter.

**

Busy.

Luke knew that in order to keep it together on Ben’s birthday, he’d have to keep busy. And it wasn’t hard, really. Calum was at training and Ruby had had a restless night fighting off a head cold and he’d let the washing pile up over the last few days, so Luke made it to lunch time before he realized he hadn’t once stopped to think about his brother.

Which had led to a meltdown, of course.

He’d been washing up the dishes from the night before, looking out into the backyard at the small patio that had been added not long after he’d bought his home. He could remember the old decrepit structure that had been then when he’d viewed the house, and he knew that it would be the first thing to go once the finance went through.

He’d bought Ben with him, and Luke had found his brother standing beneath the aging structure after the real estate agent was done showing him through the house.

 _This is a piece of shit,_ he’d said, and Luke had snorted. Ben immediately insisted he could build something better, and he had.

It wasn’t much bigger than the original patio roof, but much more reliable and established. It had taken Ben and Jack the weekend to rip the old one down, and put up the new one, and the only payment they’d accepted was free beer and a sausages on the barbie.

He could remember it clearly, inviting his family over to his house for the first time and sitting under the new patio roof and looking at the faces around the picnic table with such appreciation. It was what ultimately pulled him apart, piece by piece, knowing that he would never sit around a table with his entire family, ever again.

He’d hiccupped against the sobs that tried to escape, and had ended up dry reaching over the toilet for twenty minutes. The waves of sadness kept coming, but thankfully the nausea had subsided. He had his hand pressed to his chest as he tried to breathe calmly, unable to think about anything but Ben.

He would’ve been 32. His first birthday as a father.

And instead, Luke was trying to hold the pieces of himself together so he could raise Ben and Sarah’s daughter.

It was _unfair_ , and painful and he’d called Calum without a second thought.

“Hey!” Calum greeted cheerfully, and Luke felt guilt twist in his stomach.

“Hi.”

“Luke?” Calum asked, his voice dropping lower. “What is it? Are you okay?”

Luke looked over at the toilet beside him, at the toilet paper on its holder, and let out a sigh. “It’s Ben’s birthday.”

“Yeah,” Calum said softly. “Are you alright?”

Luke felt the tears well in his eyes, and he let out a humourless laugh. “I don’t want to get up off the floor, so that would be a _no_.”

“D’you want me to come home?” Calum offered gently.

Luke sniffed. “No. You’ve got the soccer thing.”

“So what? You come first.”

Luke pulled a square of toilet paper off the roll and wiped over his sweaty brow. “Aren’t you playing today?”

“Yeah,” Calum confirmed. “Not until three. I can come home for a bit.”

Luke bit at his lip and tried to keep from begging the other man to come home. It wasn’t right to expect him to drop everything and rescue Luke from himself, but the younger man wasn’t sure if he’d be able to pull himself up off the floor.

“Luke? I can be there in twenty minutes.”

Luke grabbed another square of paper and wiped at the tears that spilled down his cheeks. “When is this going to be over?” he asked softly, sniffing loudly. “When am I going to stop feeling like there’s a hole in my chest every time I think of them?”

“I’m coming,” Calum promised softly. “I can’t fix it, but I can be there.”

Luke nodded, feeling fresh tears track down his cheeks. “Yeah, okay.”

“I love you,” Calum insisted softly. “Maybe we’ll look into grief counselling, okay? It’s only been four months, Luke.”

Luke rubbed at his eyes tiredly. Four months had felt both like four minutes, and four years, all at the same time. There were moments when he’d laugh at something he saw on Facebook, and would get halfway through writing his big brother’s name before realizing that there was no point in tagging him; Ben was gone.

But the sadness of losing both him and Sarah had settled so deeply in Luke’s bones that it felt like it was a part of who he was now, at his core. Like the loss of them was imprinted on the fabric of his very being, and it was unable to be changed.

“I’m on my way,” Calum promised.

“She’ll be awake soon,” Luke sighed, blinking heavily as he thought of the needs of Ruby, if he’d be able to get himself up off the floor and tend to her.

The selfish part of him wanted to stay there on the floor, to give into his sadness, but his love for her would get him up, he hoped.

**

“Luke!”

Luke blinked heavily, immediately aware of a pain in his neck. With a soft groan he realized he’d fallen _asleep_ next to the toilet, his head twisted to the side in some sort of vain attempt at seeking comfort.

He could hear Ruby’s persistent cries and his heart lurched, and he immediately tried to get up, his hands slipping over the wall.

“Luke! Jesus Christ!”

“Here!” Luke called out, able to identify the panic in Calum’s voice.

He heard Calum skid down the hall, coming into Luke’s line of sight.

“Jesus,” he breathed, still in his training gear. “Are you okay?”

Luke nodded, shaking off the nausea and vertigo he’d momentarily felt. “Can you get the baby?”

Calum hesitated, his brows knitted as if he was assessing Luke’s wellbeing. He opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated, and disappeared from sight and headed in the direction of Ruby’s room.

Luke took a few deep breaths, squeezing his eyes shut to clear a few lingering black spots. He listened as Calum eased the door open to Ruby’s room, and his soft, calming voice as he greeted her. He sang a nursery rhyme and Luke felt his panicked heart start to ease in his chest.

“Should we change your nappy?” Calum sang softly. “Oh I think we should,” he cooed.

Luke sniffed, using the door handle to heave himself up off the floor slowly, rolling his head around to ease the pain in his neck. He had a headache, and despite the sweet sound of Calum’s voice, he headed in the direction of the kitchen for some Panadol.

He couldn’t stand at the sink and look out at the patio, so he leant up against the countertop, sipping slowly at his glass of water as he tried to think.

Was Calum right? Did he need grief counselling?

“Hey.”

Luke looked up and managed a small smile. “Hey,” he whispered, abandoning his glass of water on the bench to approach Calum, pressing a soft kiss to Ruby’s forehead.

“What’s going on?” Calum asked. “Why were you in the bathroom?”

“I felt sick,” Luke explained. “I-I guess I sort of fell asleep.”

Calum wrapped his arm around Luke’s waist and pulled him in closer. “I should’ve stayed home this morning,” he mumbled.

“No, it’s okay,” Luke whispered into his neck. “I didn’t know today would be this hard.”

Calum rubbed his hand up Luke’s back and kissed over his hairline. “I can stay for a while. Is Ruby due for anything?”

Luke didn’t want to, but he lifted his head to check the time on the microwave, letting out a tired sigh. “A bottle in a half hour,” he mumbled. “I think she’s going backwards on the solids.”

“Hmm,” Calum hummed, his hand resting under Ruby’s rear. “Is that right, young lady?”

Luke nuzzled his nose back into Calum’s neck, fighting Ruby for space against his chest. “I think I’ll just limit it to breakfast.”

“Mhm,” Calum mumbled.

Luke sighed. “This is nice. Cuddling.”

“True,” Calum laughed softly. “It’s usually better on the couch or in bed.”

Luke pulled away, running a hand through his messy hair. “I have to do washing, and run the vacuum over the rug in the living room.”

Calum shook his head, and took Luke’s hand in his. “No, you don’t. You’re going to come snuggle with me and your daughter on the couch.”

Luke smiled. “And what about the laundry, huh?”

“I’ll do it,” Calum grinned. “Or I’ll forget to, and you’ll do it tomorrow.”

Luke laughed. “Jeez Ruby, can you see what he’s doing to daddy?” He immediately felt nauseous the moment the word slipped past his lips.

“It’s okay,” Calum eased softly, his hand rubbing over Luke’s shoulder. “It’s okay to say it.”

Luke sniffed, pressing his fingers against his eyes. “It’s not.”

“It is,” Calum repeated, pulling him in. “That’s what you are now, you’re her dad.”

Luke sucked in a shaky breath and exhaled against Calum’s throat. “It’s not okay, not today.”

Calum kissed his temple gently. “C’mon. Snuggle.”

Luke let the other man lead him out of the kitchen and into the living room, and they all snuggled down on the comfortable fabric as Calum dragged a blanket over their legs.

“Comfy?” Calum questioned, turning Ruby around and cradled her in the crook of his arm.

Luke nodded and reached out to touch her tiny hand. “Hi,” he greeted softly.

Ruby grinned.

Luke couldn’t deny her, and felt his lips quirk in a soft barely-there smile.

“You’re her dad, Luke,” Calum mumbled. “It’s important you remember that, even today.”

Luke pressed his eyes shut, and tried not to think of Ben.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big, special, huge thanks to everyone who's reading/subscribing and leaving their kudos! This story is only halfway through, so stick with me!
> 
> Even BIGGER thanks goes to thominhoplease, asocialreader, sarahrez1, Coco_Decon & horanswillie for their comments!
> 
> xoxo


	19. Chapter 19

“I think it’s a sign.”

Luke nibbled on his lip ring, his hands wedged between his knees.

Calum looked at him and smiled. “Honestly, Luke. I’m fine.”

The words he was saying seemed to come easily, but Luke still looked for any signs of things _not_ being fine. Because when Calum had walked in from training almost an hour ago and told Luke that _no, I didn’t get picked this year_ , Luke wasn’t sure what to feel.

On one hand, he was endlessly relieved that Calum wasn’t running off any time soon, and forcing Luke into confronting his demons and actually becoming an adult. Then he was monumentally sad, knowing that Calum had put himself and his body through the wringer to prepare for the scouts, and to be turned down – or not even picked at all – had to hurt.

“It makes sense, okay?” Calum said, taking a slow sip from his beer. “My coach said that because of my knee, I’m still somewhat of a liability.”

“But your knee is fine!”

“Yeah, but it’s only been fine for six weeks. Despite how great I feel, and how great the physio is going, I still have a knee injury.”

Luke nibbled at his lip ring, fingers smoothing along the sleeve of Calum’s shirt where they sat on the couch, a beer in their hands as they talked quietly after putting Ruby to bed.

Luke had known _something_ when the other man had arrived home, his shoulders a little hunched, his brow a little pinched. He’d toed off his shoes and then revealed the news – the scouts just weren’t interested, at least not this year.

“But it works out,” Calum explained. “With Ruby and everything, I need to be here. For her and for you.”

“Yeah,” Luke said softly, peeling the label off his barely-touched beer bottle. “But you’ve worked so hard for this. It just seems really unfair.”

Calum smiled, leaning over to press a kiss to his lips. “Honestly, babe. It’s almost a relief, you know? That they’re not whisking me away to Shanghai for four months. I get to be here, and focus on you and the baby. I was even thinking, if you wanted to go back to school, I could take a step back from soccer? Watch Ruby?”

Luke frowned, his knees tucked up underneath him, and pressed closer to Calum. “I don’t want you to step back,” he said softly. “I want you to be upset about this, Cal.”

Calum’s smile softened. “Don’t get me wrong, it hurts. But I want to be here with you and Ruby.”

Luke hesitated, finding it somewhat unsettling that he couldn’t read Calum as well as he usually did. He knew that the older man had stopped in to see Michael before coming home, and Luke only hoped that talking to him had helped.

“Do you want to go back to work?”

Luke did, he knew that. But things were still so unpredictable, and he wasn’t sure if leaving both Ruby and Calum at home would be something he could handle.

“Because I can switch my physio sessions to the afternoon so I can stay at home with the little lady,” Calum offered, taking another long sip from his beer.

“Really?” Luke questioned softly. “I mean, I don’t want you to give up soccer because you feel like you have to.”

Calum laughed softly, his hand reaching up to cup Luke’s jaw. “I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t want to, alright? I think it’s the right decision, you know?”

Luke was still hesitant, but he leant into Calum’s touch. “Maybe,” he considered softly. “I did want to be back before the HSC.”

“Well, then this is a perfect situation,” Calum smiled. “I can be on Ruby duty, and you can go back to showing those bratty teenagers how brilliant you are.”

Luke laughed softly, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment. “Only if you’re sure.”

Calum leant in and pressed a soft, longing kiss to his lips. “I’m positive. Would you let me just do this for you?”

Luke smiled, pressing another kiss to his lips. “Okay,” he assented. “I’ll go back to work.”

“Good,” Calum mumbled. “Now, surely I’m entitled to some pity sex after getting rejected.”

Luke laughed, winding his arms around Calum’s shoulder. “How about just regular you-make-me-hot-so-let’s-do-it sex?”

“Ooh, my favourite kind.”

Luke’s laughter was cut off as Calum’s lips dragged down his throat.

**

Luke didn’t want to jump back into work. He was afraid his enthusiasm would die off and he’d change his mind, and he didn’t want to make a big announcement if he thought he couldn’t pull it off. Just the idea had his stomach churning, even as he spent some time going over his course schedule for the fiftieth time before making the decision last week to go back.

He hadn’t bought it up to Calum again, and he knew that the other man wouldn’t press it, and Luke was grateful. He wasn’t ready to talk about it, only going as far as to email his principal and make a general enquiry.

 _So, if I was to come back before the HSC, but maybe only a week or two, or three before…_ it sounded like fifteen-year-old Luke had written it, as if it was his eighth grade drama assessment he’d failed that he didn’t want to give his mum to sign.

He had immediately closed down Outlook after hitting _send_ , unable to deal with a reply just yet. He’d accidentally clicked on the icon the day before and saw he had eight new emails, but he just wasn’t ready.

He gathered the pages laid out in front of him on the dining room table and organized them into a neat stack, easing off the black-framed glasses he only wore when absolutely necessary – Michael had mocked him so mercilessly for them a few years ago and it had left Luke permanently scarred – and pushed his chair away from the table to stand.

It was nearing ten, and Luke padded down the hall to check on Ruby, finding the five and half month old on her back, arms raised above her head as she slept peacefully. He pulled her blanket up and tucked her in again, pressing a kiss to his fingertips before pressing his fingers against her cheek.

He eased out of her room silently, pulling the door shut after him, and leant back against the solid wood with a sigh. Calum had called earlier to tell him he was going to grab a beer with Michael, and Luke tried not to read into it.

He knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of the time Calum spent with Michael, but he supposed that his emotions over the past few months had been anything but regular. But there was something nagging him, about Calum not being picked by the scouts. It had to hurt, more than the other man had expressed, and Luke had noticed that he ended most of his days with a few beers under his belt.

Luke pushed off the door and headed back towards the kitchen, to unpack the dishwasher to pass the time.

By the time he heard Calum’s key in the lock, he’d repacked the dishwasher, cleaned down the benchtops and took the rubbish out. He was elbow deep in hot soapy water scrubbing at a stubbornly dirty baking dish when Calum’s footsteps echoed further inside.

Luke turned his head to catch sight of him, a soft smile forming on his lips. “Hi,” he whispered.

Calum didn’t answer, and Luke sucked in a quick breath when the older man’s hands found his hips, his mouth dragging over the back of his neck in a slow kiss.

“Hey,” Luke repeated softly as Calum’s arm snaked around his waist, pulling him back into his hard chest.

“Hi,” Calum mumbled, his mouth still pressed to Luke’s skin.

Luke let go of the scourer and the baking dish, shaking the soap suds off his hands as he tried to turn.

Calum wouldn’t let him.

“What’sa matter?” Luke mumbled.

Calum squeezed him gently, exhaling. “Nothing.”

Luke’s damp hands slid over the arm around his waist, and he pushed Calum away so he could turn. His brows were drawn as their eyes met, and one of Luke’s hands came up to cup his cheek.

“How much did you drink?”

Calum leant in, their mouths connecting softly. “A bit.”

Luke could taste the bitter alcohol on his lips as Calum sucked at his lower lip. “Cal…”

“S’okay,” he mumbled softly. “God, I love you.”

The hand Luke had on his cheek moved around to cup the back of his neck, his fingers sliding through the dark curls. The sweet sentiment made him blush, his eyes closing for a moment before he was focusing his blue eyes on the man in front of him.

“I just wanna,” Calum sighed, his hands slow and deliberate as they gripped Luke’s hips, pressing him back against the sink before moving to undo his belt.

“Cal,” Luke inhaled softly, biting down on his lip ring. “C’mon,” he mumbled. “You’ve had too much to drink.”

“I haven’t,” Calum insisted, his speech clear, but faded back into the warm, lazy pattern quickly. “Thought about you the whole time I was out.”

Luke opened his mouth to refuse him again, but his hands were pulling him in, one still on the back of his neck, the other smoothing over his shoulder blade to pull his warmth in.

Calum’s movements didn’t speak to how much he’d had to drink, his fingers easily and deftly unbuckling Luke’s belt, leaving the leather in the loops as he tackled the button and zipper next.

Luke knew he should push Calum to open up, to delve a little deeper into his need for beer and manhandling Luke in the kitchen. But Luke forgot about it almost completely when Calum tugged his pants open roughly, showing off the dark purple of his boxer briefs.

The sharp tugs slid Luke down the bench somewhat, and he tugged his lip ring into his mouth as Calum grabbed a hold of his hips and pulled him back, pushed his own hips forward to grind against him.

“Cal,” Luke whispered, swallowing over the lump in his throat as his eyes slid shut.

“I’ve got you,” Calum mumbled, his hands moving from Luke’s hips to the top of his pants, grabbing a hold of the denim and cotton of his underwear and dragged them both down to his knees roughly.

Luke let out a soft whimper, almost half-hard but half-expecting Calum to stop and confess what was bothering him. The older man left Luke’s pants around his knees, constricting him as he bought his hands up to the drawstring of his training shorts.

Luke’s heart jerked in his chest, and he sucked in a breath, looking away from Calum’s hands. He felt nervous all of a sudden, like it was the first time or something ridiculous like that. There was no reason for him to feel nervous in Calum’s presence.

The older man grunted and Luke’s attention snapped back to him, watching him push his loose shorts and boxers off his hips, letting the fabric hit the floor before he kicked them away, leaning down to tug Luke’s down to his feet, waiting patiently for him to lift each foot so he could strip them away completely.

“Tell me you’re okay,” Luke whispered quickly once Calum was standing again, his hands at Luke’s hips. “Just tell me you are and I won’t ask again.”

Calum blinked, his dark eyes focusing on Luke. “I’m okay,” he mumbled softly. “I’m fine.”

“Is it the soccer thing?”

Calum smiled slowly. “Thought you’d stop asking questions if I told you I was okay?”

Luke smiled. “I’m a liar.”

Calum nudged their noses together and kissed him softly. “We’ll talk later, okay?”

Luke sucked at his bottom lip for an extended moment before nodding, his hands pulling Calum in again.

The other man went easily, leaning up against Luke, their bare bottom halves pressing together. Calum was already half-hard, grinding forward as his tongue pressed into Luke’s mouth, and the younger man let out a soft whimper and gave into it.

The dragging pleasure ignited sparks up his spine, his fingers tangling in Calum’s shirt to keep him close as his hips moved slowly, coaxing them both to full hardness, until Luke was whimpering needy little gasps into his mouth.

“Got you,” Calum mumbled, dragging his mouth over Luke’s chin and down his throat, his hands moving down over Luke’s behind, cupping his cheeks gently.

Luke nodded, tipping his head back to give the other man more access, feeling his pulse thrum through his entire body. His hips pushed forward, his hands moving to tangle in Calum’s messy hair and giving a gentle tug.

Calum pulled him away from the sink only to push him back, his tongue sliding over his throat. “Gonna need you to suck,” he mumbled.

Luke nodded quickly, biting at his lip ring with just how _easy_ he was, lips parting as two of Calum’s fingers pressed against his lower lip.

He felt some sort of second-hand embarrassment as he passed his tongue over his fingers, even though Calum wasn’t paying attention, preferring to suck a dark bruise into the base of Luke’s throat. It gave the younger man the reprieve he wanted, because it seemed so _dirty_ to let Calum do this to him in their _kitchen_.

But he was almost certain he was as hard as he was _because_ Calum was feeling him up with silent promises to fuck him, right where they made their morning cereal.

Luke was letting out needy moans by the time Calum removed his fingers, using his free hand to tug one of Luke’s legs high over his hip, dragging his slick fingers along his thigh before sliding them lower, skating over Luke’s entrance lightly.

“Jesus,” Luke panted softly, feeling the pleasure skate down his spine quickly.

“Mhm,” Calum hummed softly, his mouth finding Luke’s as he eased his index finger in gently, giving him a moment before sinking it in all the way.

“Cal, Cal,” Luke panted, his hands still tangled in the other man’s curls, tugging as he shifted his hips back against his finger.

Calum’s finger curled immediately, and Luke felt the white hot lightning echo through his body immediately.

“Off,” Luke whined softly, hands abandoning his hair to tug his shirt up, stripping it off quickly so Calum was there in all his naked glory, all tanned skin and hard muscles. Luke didn’t waste time before curling his nails into his shoulders.

Calum growled softly, pulling his finger out only to press the second in quickly, working with the rock of Luke’s hips to prepare him quickly, fingers scissoring and curling and doing everything to work Luke up and make him keen.

Luke always hit a point during prep where it was _enough_ already. Even if it wasn’t really, even if he knew the burn of Calum inside him would still hurt, he didn’t _care_ , because the press of his fingers only promised the familiar press of his dick, and Luke couldn’t help how badly he needed it.

He didn’t need to say it, Calum knew and eased his fingers out carefully, dropping Luke’s leg slowly. “I’ll go get a rubber.”

Luke’s nails dug further into Calum’s shoulders, keeping him there. “If I didn’t send you for lube, I’m not sending you for a condom,” he panted. “I’m okay without it if you are.”

Calum considered it, his head tilted to the side as his eyes searched Luke’s face for any hesitation, but relaxed when he found none.

His movements were slow but practised, even as he spat into his hand to lubricate himself before he was tugging Luke’s leg up and over his hip again, tugging him forward and away from the bench.

Luke didn’t want to say it out loud – the embarrassing confession that he’d never had sex standing up before – and swallowed the words as Calum seemed to know what he was doing and there was only a fraction of worry before he was pushing in, and Luke was choking on a moan.

“ _God_ ,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around Calum’s neck, his mouth against his neck. “You feel so fucking good.”

Calum laughed softly, the sound rumbling through his chest. “I think it’s all you, personally,” he mumbled.

Luke let out a breathy laugh, tilting his head back as Calum’s hips stopped – all the way inside and scorching hot – and rocked back almost immediately.

“Shit, Luke,” Calum mumbled, gripping his hips to stop him.

“No fair,” Luke breathed.

Calum said nothing, his nose pressing in against the space behind Luke’s ear, his hands gentle as he pried his hips further away from the bench so he could slide a hand down to cup Luke’s ass.

“Jesus,” Luke mumbled out, biting down sharply on his lip ring.

Calum’s teeth grazed over his skin, his free hand stroking up Luke’s thigh as he pulled out slowly. He pressed back in at the same agonizing pace, and Luke groaned.

“You’re so fucking tight,” Calum groaned softly.

Luke panted. “Maybe you’re fucking hung,” he shot back.

Calum laughed, tugging at the neck of Luke’s t-shirt to drag his teeth over his collarbone. “I’ll give it to you, baby.”

Luke shivered, one hand travelling back to Calum’s curls, letting out a slow, broken moan as Calum pulled out again, and thrust back in – sharply. “God, like _that_.”

“Yeah,” Calum confirmed softly, his mouth sucking at the base of his throat. “Gonna mark you up, too.”

Luke opened his mouth to object, unsure if it was all that appropriate to be sporting hickies at his age, but as Calum’s teeth bit down on his skin, all sense of concern floated right out the window.

Calum groaned against his skin, his hips snapping relentlessly, supporting Luke so carefully with his hands, fucking into him sharply. “God, I fucking love you.”

Luke whimpered, his leg almost buckling and he stumbled.

“Fuck,” Calum ground out, letting go of Luke’s ass to grip the bench. “You okay?”

“Weak in the knees,” Luke groaned out and Calum laughed.

“Didn’t know I had that affect,” the older man mumbled, slowing his thrusts to a stop as he easily lifted Luke by the thighs, turning to sit him on the edge of the counter. “Okay?”

Luke groaned as he was moved, feeling Calum press further inside of him until his breath was hitching in his chest. “Yeah,” he nodded quickly, curling his legs around Calum’s waist. “ _God_ yeah, Cal.”

Calum hummed, tugging Luke further toward the edge of the bench and thrusted sharply again, picking up the rhythm quickly.

Luke felt like he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, whimpers and exhales falling from his lips as he held on tightly, ignoring the cold press of the hard counter, and the breeze that filtered in through the open window. All he could focus on was Calum inside of him, barrier free and fucking him perfectly.

“Luke,” Calum ground out roughly, thrusting harder.

Luke cried out softly, pressing his lips shut tightly to keep anything louder in. The last thing he needed was Ruby waking up and ruining their orgasms they were both hurriedly hurtling towards.

“Gonna come inside you, yeah?”

Luke almost choked, Calum’s voice fucked out and rough and he shivered at the feel of his breath hitting the wet skin of his throat. “Yeah, Cal,” he panted out. “Gonna come in me.”

Calum grunted, fingers tightening on Luke’s hips painfully tight. “Tell me how bad you want it.”

Luke opened his mouth to respond, to indulge Calum’s dirty little wish, but the angle was just too good, and he cried out sharply, trying to push his hips back to meet Calum’s movements.

“Got ya,” Calum breathed. “Yeah? Got you right where you need it?”

“Yes,” Luke whimpered, tightening his legs around Calum’s waist.  “Need it so bad, Cal.”

“Gonna come on my dick?”

Luke’s thighs tensed, one hand slapping down onto the bench as the other anchored in Calum’s dark hair, tugging at it sharply.

“I asked you a question,” Calum growled against his throat, hips snapping forward.

“ _Yes_ ,” Luke whispered, eyes squeezed shut. “Yeah, Cal. Come on your dick.”

“Good,” Calum groaned, tugging Luke’s hips down to meet every thrust.

Luke felt the beginning of the end start at the base of his spine, and heat flooded through his abdomen. It skittered through his veins and made his fingers curl tighter in Calum’s hair, his body shivering, shaking as he let out a broken moan, feeling the wetness of his release slick his stomach.

“Fuck,” Calum ground out, fucking him through his orgasm, striving for his own.

“Cal, Cal,” Luke panted, hands finding his shoulder as he winced as Calum moved harshly inside him. “A sec?”

Calum slowed, his breaths coming fast, his teeth digging into his lower lip in desperation.

Luke groaned, his brows knitting together. “Can I…get off the bench?” he panted.

“Shit,” Calum swore, stepping back slowly, letting Luke’s legs fall to the floor, steadying him gently. “I’m sorry.”

Luke cupped his jaw, kissed him softly with a smile on his lips. “Don’t be,” he assured him. “You wanna come, yeah?”

Calum nodded, his hands gripping Luke’s hips tightly.

“Alright,” he mumbled, leaning his lower back against the bench. “Come inside me, Cal.”

It seemed so _wrong_. Luke could remember sex ed in school, that even sex between two men should be safe. Luke had never been brave enough to go without with any previous boyfriends, and he knew that there was no one else he’d ever trust, more than he trusted Calum.

The older man started snapping his hips again, grunting sharply as he fell into a messy rhythm, desperately chasing his orgasm.

Luke moaned, still sensitive enough for it to be almost too much, but too turned on by the other man to even think about stopping him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Calum groaned, fucking sharply into Luke three times in quick succession before his hips stilled, and he came deep inside him.

Luke groaned, unable to deny the warm feeling inside of him as Calum clung to him tightly, whispering soft, nonsensical things into his ear as his hands petted his thighs, his ass, and his back gently.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Calum panted softly.

Luke smiled, his eyes shut and nose pressed to Calum’s jaw. “I love you.”

“Love you,” Calum mumbled back softly. “Gonna pull out.”

Luke bit his lip, pressed a soft kiss to Calum’s jaw as he did so, feeling the wetness against his thighs. Once Calum had stood back, he pressed his legs together, feeling incredibly naked and exposed with come on his skin – his own _and_ Calum’s.

Calum pulled his boxer briefs back on, and guided Luke’s feet into his own, pulling them up and tugging him in for a hug.

“It’s the soccer thing,” Calum mumbled softly, tucking his chin over Luke’s shoulder. “It hurts.”

Luke nodded, stroking his bare back gently. “That’s what’s up with the beer and seeing Mikey?”

Calum nodded. “I’m sorry. It’s fucking stupid to be upset about sport when you’re…when we’re dealing with everything else.”

Luke stroked his hair and kissed over Calum’s bare shoulder. “It’s not stupid, and you don’t have to be sorry. You’ve worked so hard for it, and you _deserve_ it, Cal. I’m really sorry it didn’t happen.”

Calum’s arms wound tighter around Luke’s waist, squeezing him gently. “I’ll be okay.”

“Doesn’t matter if you’re not,” Luke assured him. “Take your time, and I’m always here.”

Calum pulled back to kiss him softly, biting at his bottom lip. “I love you, Luke.”

Luke repeated the same three words, and just held the other man a little tighter.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super special thanks to everyone who's reading and subscribing and leaving kudos! And an ever BIGGER thank you to Coco_Decon, daisy_maus, thominhoplease, asocialreader & horanswillie for their awesome comments! <3
> 
> xoxo


	20. Chapter 20

Luke snuggled his nose further into Ruby’s neck, listening to the baby giggle as she grabbed handfuls of his hair and tugged. She was wrapped up against his chest where they sat at a small table at the local Coffee Club while Calum went in search of a high chair.

Ruby babbled nonsensically, and although Luke could feel drool against his cheek, he didn’t want to stop cuddling her. She was nowhere near as affectionate as she used to be before she could roll over and sit up alone. She hadn’t quite mastered sitting without a pillow fort around her, but her independence seemed to be gaining traction almost daily, and Luke missed his tiny, huggable baby girl.

“Here we go,” Calum announced, sliding the high chair in against the table.

Luke sat back, patting Ruby’s rear as he pouted over at Calum. “No,” he whined pathetically. “I’m not ready for her to sit in a _high chair_ , Calum.”

Calum rolled his eyes and took his seat, reaching into the baby bag for some wipes. “She sits in a high chair at home,” he pointed out, wiping the high chair down.

“That’s at home,” Luke sighed, sitting her on his lap. “I’m not ready for her to not need me.”

Calum softened, a smile on his lips. He leant over, pressing a kiss to Luke’s cheek. “She’s always going to need you,” he mumbled.

Luke sighed again, closing his eyes for a moment. The older Ruby got, the more Luke felt obsolete, and now that she was almost six months old – to the day – he started to feel anxious about her growing up. Soon she’d be talking and learning to walk and then she’d go to kindy and preschool and she just wouldn’t _need_ him anymore.

“You’re always going to be the most important person in her life.”

Luke blinked down at the baby as she sucked on her fist, happily sitting on his lap as she watched people pass by.

It had been Calum’s suggestion to have breakfast out, to enjoy their Saturday morning in the warm winter sun before picking up some last minute supplies for Ruby’ s impromptu half-birthday party the following day.

Luke wasn’t sure if he could call it a _party_ considering only two other people had been invited, with express instructions to leave their relationship baggage at the door.

Ashton had agreed, Luke hadn’t doubted that the man could put aside the confusion with Michael to celebrate Ruby’s milestone, and despite the fact Michael had insisted he’d do the same, Luke was nervous. He’d asked Calum five times if Harry was in town, and if there was any likelihood that Michael would bring him to the party to upset Ashton.

Luke hated thinking the worst of him, but Michael wasn’t always sensitive to other people’s feelings.

The idea of the party had only happened over the past few days, and it had put a smile on Calum’s face, so Luke had been certain he wanted to go ahead with it. Ever since their kitchen rendezvous the week previously, the older man had been firmly ensconced in his bitter disappointment regarding his career.

But he’d become animated when Luke had asked for help planning a small menu, and which decorations they should pick up from Spotlight, and of course – what kind of cake they’d have.

Luke had loved seeing him smile, and before he knew what was going on, he’d committed to making a cake (that was way above his skill level), and a gift for Ruby.

“C’mon Rubes,” Calum said, lifting the infant off of Luke’s lap, and sat her in the high chair.

She tipped to the right but Calum caught her easily, grabbing the extra flannel wrap they’d packed and wedged it in around her, so she couldn’t fall too far.

“Oh, she’s so cute,” Luke sighed, tugging the high chair closer to the table once Calum had taken his seat.

Calum picked up his phone and took a few pictures, tickling Ruby’s chin to make her smile.

“A half a year,” Luke mused softly, putting a bib over Ruby’s head. “It’s so hard to believe.”

Calum took a few pictures of Luke too, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek. “It’s been incredible,” he mumbled. “You’ve done such a good job.”

Luke wanted to object, to insist that they’d _both_ done a good job, but they were interrupted by their waitress waiting to take their order. Luke was always predictable – poached eggs on white toast, and a side of tomato sauce – and Calum opened his mouth to order his usual training breakfast; almond muesli and greek yoghurt before stopping momentarily, and Luke saw his face fall.

Calum was still going to training, still playing alongside his teammates though some of them would be going across the globe in a few short weeks. Luke knew it had to hurt, but Calum wasn’t the kind of man to let his team down, so he’d wake up at four thirty every morning to have his muesli and head into the soccer club to get in a quick run on the treadmill before his morning training session.

“Ah, make that scrambled eggs with a side of mushrooms and wholemeal toast,” Calum amended.

The waitress nodded and jotted their orders down before disappearing.

Luke reached across the table to touch Calum’s hand, giving his fingers a gentle squeeze.

“It’s alright,” Calum said automatically, a tight smile on his face.

“It’s okay if it’s not,” Luke told him softly.

Calum gave a short nod, the internal war inside himself tugging him in every direction. “So, decorations?” he asked.

**

“Oh, this was a great idea,” Luke muttered, using a baby wipe to remove a smear of tomato sauce on Ruby’s forehead.

Calum laughed, setting his fork down. “She’s still learning!”

Luke laughed, rolling his eyes as Ruby grinned at them both, her face smeared with Calum’s scrambled eggs, and a piece of soggy toast in her fist. She looked completely smitten with them both, tilted off balance in the high chair that was much too big for her.

Luke couldn’t believe how far she’d come.

“She’s going to need a hose down after this,” Luke pointed out, sitting back in his seat to reach for his coffee, taking a generous sip.

“But look at how much fun she’s having,” Calum cooed, snapping a few more photos.

Luke rolled his eyes in amusement, watching as Ruby happily chewed on her toast.

“Oh, isn’t she just gorgeous?”

Luke looked over at the older woman to Calum’s right, looking down at Ruby fondly.

“How old?” she questioned, reaching out to tickle Ruby’s foot.

“She’s six months old tomorrow,” Calum smiled proudly.

“Well you’re very a lucky dad,” the woman told him. “Your daughter is beautiful.”

Luke felt his heart soar in his chest at her words, giving Calum the label Luke had given him all those months ago.

“Oh, she’s not mine,” Calum said easily, shattering Luke’s heart. “I’m just a lucky uncle, he’s her dad.”

The lady smiled and tickled Ruby’s foot again. “Well congratulations, she’s a doll.”

Luke forced a smile onto his face as she waved and walked away, and he busied himself with his coffee.

“So, we’ll get the decorations next?” Calum asked.

“Yeah,” Luke confirmed, trying to cover up his disappointment.

He wasn’t sure if he was in the wrong, to think of Calum like Ruby’s other parent. He’d been there since the beginning, changing nappies, making bottles, giving her the love of a father. Luke wasn’t sure why he didn’t feel it, why he didn’t see how important he was to both himself and to Ruby.

But the worst part of it all was that Calum didn’t seem to _want_ to be Ruby’s father. And Luke didn’t understand _why_.

“Luke?”

Luke smiled. “Sure, decorations.”

**

Luke frowned, looking from the bowl in his hands, to the horribly misshapen cake in front of him. It wasn’t that the cake itself was bad – a very simple vanilla cake – but he’d tried to get too creative, downloading an owl template from Google, and planned to expertly slice the cake into different pieces, so when he frosted it – in differing colours of brown and pink – it would look like an adorable little owl.

But he was pretty sure he sliced a little _too_ much off one of the ears, and now the poor cake looked lopsided.

He was interrupted by a low whistle, and he turned to see Calum leaning up against the fridge and he made a face.

“How glad am I that you decided to make a cake?” Calum teased.

“This is all your fault,” Luke demanded.

Maybe Calum hadn’t been the one to spill the icing on his t-shirt, forcing him to strip it off and continue on with his pledge to master the cake, but Luke was still going to hold him responsible for not telling him how much of a _bad idea_ it would be for Luke to _bake_.

Calum laughed, pushing off the fridge to cross to Luke’s side, wrapping his arms around him from behind. “But you look so cute.”

Luke held the remaining icing in the bowl away from Calum, setting the spatula down beside the cake. “It sucks,” he groaned. “It’s lopsided.”

“It’s not,” Calum told him, reaching over to adjust the wonky ear. “Just use the icing to make it a little bigger.”

Luke had done his homework, downloading instructions on how to bake the vanilla mud, and how to get the right consistency with his icing. He’d bought all the baking tools too, and was even working off of a picture he found on Google.

“It’s your first cake,” Calum assured him. “First of many, so you’re going to get better with every birthday she has.”

Luke sighed, feeling slightly overwhelmed at the idea of putting himself through the stress again. But he was a _dad_ now, and without a mother in the picture, he guessed things like birthday parties and cakes would fall to him.

“Is she still napping?” Luke asked, setting the bowl down. “I need to finish this and jump in the shower before Mikey and Ash get here.”

Calum kissed his bare shoulder. “She’s sleeping,” he confirmed. “But I was thinking,” he mumbled, his hands squeezing Luke’s hips.

Luke snorted. “ _No_ , Calum,” he insisted, pushing his hands away. “Sex in the kitchen is not going to become regular thing.”

Calum pouted. “That is hardly fair.”

Luke rolled his eyes, moving the pieces of the cooled cake around, his eyes flicking from the iPad in front of him, and decided short of baking another cake, he was stuck with the pieces in front of him. He was just glad it tasted good, and the off cuts he’d managed to sneak had eased his fears immensely. It was edible, at least.

“Cal, it _sucks_.”

Calum laughed, squeezing his hips again. “It really doesn’t. When you cover it in icing, it’ll look totally different.”

Luke wanted to believe him, and he double checked he had everything else he need before he started following the instructions again, using the icing as “glue” to put the pieces together, before slowing covering the whole thing in brown icing.

He’d banished Calum from the kitchen and accepted the fact that it was going to take him forever to complete and it _was_ slow going, and he paused more than once to check the picture, but by the time he’d put the little pink chocolate buttons on its breast and used white chocolate disks for eyes, it didn’t look half bad.

Luke knew Michael would mock him for it, but still. He’d made Ruby’s very first half-birthday cake.

**

“We need to talk,” Luke whispered softly, stepping into Ruby’s room and shut the door.

She let out a soft garble as a greeting, and extended her arms towards him from where she sat in her cot.

Luke felt his heart clench, and he ran a hand through his freshly washed and styled hair, and eagerly picked her up out of her cot and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek. He spun them around gently to listen to her giggle before turning on the light in her room.

“So, Miss Hemmings,” he said, going to her closet to get the outfit Calum had insisted they buy for her party. “We need to talk about a few things,” he continued conversationally as she tried to pick up his necklace to chew on.

He wrangled it out of her grip and slipped it beneath the neck of his t-shirt and turned toward the change table to change her nappy.

“Now, you’re officially six months old today,” he told her, unbuttoning the simple onesie she wore and took it off carefully. “And I must admit that I’m not as sad as I was yesterday about it. Yes, you’re growing up and you might not need me always, but you need me now,” he whispered, quickly swapping out the wet nappy for a dry one.

She gurgled up at him, her beautiful smile showing off the two top teeth that were going to break through someday soon.

Luke grinned, putting on her pink leggings, and took a moment to tickle her feet. “Just remember that I love you,” he told her, leaning down to kiss over her chest. “More than I’ve ever loved anything in my life,” he promised. “And it’s been a rough time lately, but I’m really trying to get it together.”

She tugged at a fistful of his hair and smiled.

“I’m your dad,” he whispered softly, swallowing. “I’ll try my best to be the best dad I can, but I might stuff up, and if that happens, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it means it’s hard, okay? I’m meant to be your favourite uncle, and things just aren’t like that. I wasn’t meant to be your dad, but here we are.”

He pressed another kiss to her soft skin and pried her hands from his hair so he could finish dressing her, managing to get on the frilly, glittery top that matched her leggings. He combed her blonde hair gently and affixed the matching head band onto her head, and she looked up at him expectantly where she sat.

“God, I love you so much,” he sighed, picking her up carefully. “You’re my little angel.”

“Luke! Mikey and Ash are here!”

Luke smiled at the baby. “You hear that?” he asked softly. “It’s time to get this party started.”

**

“Hi.”

“Ash,” Luke smiled, looking up from the bowl of guacamole and wrapped his arms around the other man. “How are you?”

“I’m fin-“

“Be honest,” Luke interrupted, raising his brow.

Ashton sighed out a laugh, snatching up a chip and dipped it into the guacamole before popping it in his mouth. “m’fine,” he mumbled through his mouthful.

Luke looked over his shoulder at where Michael was standing with Calum, who was holding Ruby. “Really?” he asked. “Because I mean, you haven’t seen Mikey.”

Ashton shrugged, leaning up against the counter next to Luke. “I’ve accepted it, you know? In the first week or two I thought he’d call at some point, that we’d work it out and at least be friends again. But now, I get it. I went too far.”

Luke raised his brows. “ _You_ went too far?” he questioned. “Jesus Ash, you told him you _loved_ him, not that you were, I don’t know…pregnant!”

Ashton laughed softly and took another chip. “Sometimes the people you love don’t always love you back,” he said simply. “I don’t want to _force_ him into loving me back, Luke. I’ve got no control over his feelings.”

Luke frowned. “You’re being way too accepting about this. Are you just putting on a brave face?”

Ashton shrugged. “I’ve got to be realistic,” he explained. “We were never exclusive, and we never talked about being more than just friends who sleep together. So I really threw a curve ball by telling him I loved him.”

Luke pulled him into a hug, squeezing his arms around Ashton’s neck. “I love you, okay?”

Ashton laughed and patted his back. “Thanks, man. I love you too.”

Luke smiled and let go, loading the chips and dip onto a tray, alongside the party pies and sausage rolls. “I admire your strength.”

Ashton grabbed a party pie and grinned. “I’ve got balls.”

**

Luke would never admit it, but he did shed a tear or two as both his and Calum’s hand curled around the knife to cut Ruby’s half-birthday cake. It was a moment they should’ve spent with Ben and Sarah, a moment that would be one to add to a scrapbook someday, to look back on and see all their smiling faces.

The kiss Calum pressed to his temple when the knife hit the cake board eased some of his sadness, and he wondered if there would be a time that Calum’s lips could erase the pain of losing Ben and Sarah completely.

Ruby’s laughter helped, the four adults in the room watching her as he took her first cursory taste of cake, deciding she very much liked it as she grabbed for another piece.

Luke limited her exposure to just a tiny taste, mostly because he was concerned that she’d ruin her outfit, but he was mindful to remember that the last thing they wanted was a six month old on a sugar high until two AM.

The conversation had flowed long after Ruby had fallen asleep in exhaustion, curled against Luke’s chest, and despite the obvious elephant in the room, everyone had been on their best behaviour. There was a pang in Luke’s chest whenever Ashton and Michael would make eye contact and quickly look away, and he’d always give a compassionate smile to whoever he looked at first.

“Want me to put her down?” Calum offered softly, and Luke looked over at him with a small smile.

“I love this,” he admitted softly. “I never get to just hold her while she sleeps.”

Calum kissed him gently, pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose, too. “Are you alright?”

Luke nodded. “I’m okay. Not as sad as I thought I would be.”

Calum pressed their lips together again, and Luke distinctly heard a scoff.

He pulled away to look at the unimpressed look on Michael’s face. “What?”

“You’re disgusting,” Michael insisted bluntly, no heat to his words.

“Agreed,” Ashton teased.

They shared a look, smiles slipping from their faces.

“Guys,” Calum sighed. “Fix it.”

“Cal, c’mon,” Michael mumbled uncomfortably.

“Kiss and make up,” Calum insisted.

Michael rolled his eyes, picking up his beer and drained it quickly, while Ashton stared at his shoes.

“Maybe you guys need mediators,” Luke suggested, looking over at Ashton. “It’s been weeks.”

“It’s not that simple,” Michael demanded.

“Are you still seeing Harry?” Ashton blurted out, his cheeks turning pink.

Michael looked surprised, looking over at the other man momentarily, before looking down at the empty beer bottle in his hands. “Uh, no,” he mumbled. “We broke up. Officially.”

Luke raised a brow. That was information he didn’t know, and he elbowed Calum, fixing an accusatory look towards him.

He shrugged and mouthed _I’ll tell you later_ and sank back into the seat beside Luke, watching the conversation play out between their friends.

“Okay,” Ashton mumbled. “What does that mean, exactly?”

Michael huffed, setting his bottle down and tugged at a loose thread in the ripped knee of his skinny jeans. “Just, I told him I didn’t want to be his piece on the side,” he mumbled. “Convenient when he was in town. I wanted a commitment.”

“Oh,” Ashton mumbled.

“He said he’d commit, and I guess I just didn’t believe him. I told him not to call again.”

Ashton nodded his head slowly, his eyes on the floor.

“Ash,” Luke sighed.

Ashton looked up, managing a pained smile. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Calum insisted. “We just want you to guys to be able to look at each other, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Michael blurted out. “You were right, I shouldn’t have just…slept with him without thinking of you first.”

Ashton looked over at him. “I shouldn’t have told you how I felt in the way I did.”

Michael nodded.

“I’m sorry that I made it weird, and I’m sorry that our friendship is so shitty now.”

“I’m sorry too,” Michael mumbled.

Luke looked at Calum and they shared a small, secret smile.

“Would you maybe like to get a coffee next week? Talk without these two assholes staring at us?” Ashton asked, sending a pointed look toward Luke and Calum.

Luke laughed, startling Ruby momentarily. “Well sor _-ry_ ,” he said sarcastically. “But _you_ assholes are in _our_ living room.”

Ashton laughed and looked over at Michael. “I suppose you’re right.”

Luke felt warm from the inside out when Michael looked over at Ashton and smiled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mashton is so alive again! Or is it?! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's reading and subscribing and leaving kudos and loving this story as much as I do! And extra special thanks to thominhoplease, asocialreader, Ashtxnirwins, equanimistic107, Coco_Decon, horanswillie, calum_xxx_hood and CupidGenie for your awesome comments! I loved the thoughts and opinions and loved giving some insight into this story!
> 
> xoxo


	21. Chapter 21

“Luke?”

Luke smiled, his hand splayed protectively over Ruby’s back, his feet scuffing on the welcome mat to his parent’s house.

“Hi, mum.”

Liz smiled, her eyes brightening as she looked from Luke to Ruby. “She grew up,” she murmured softly. “So did you.”

Luke had gotten remarkably good at pushing away the guilt when it came to his family. He hadn’t been anywhere near his parent’s house since his failed attempt at going back to work, hadn’t returned his mother’s phone calls in almost two weeks.

He knew it was wrong, but it had been the easiest option to just ignore them. He never thought when he was younger, that there would be a day when he wouldn’t want to hear his mother’s voice, or ask his dad about the windshield wipers on his car. He never pictured his life without them, and he could see in his mother’s eyes that she never pictured it either.

“Would you like to come in?”

“Yeah,” Luke nodded. “Do you want?” he offered, gesturing to Ruby.

His mother’s eyes filled with tears as she held out her hands, letting out the softest of surprised laughter as the six-month-old tipped forward into her arms.

“Well aren’t you just adorable?” she cooed, pressing a kiss to Ruby’s cheek.

Luke followed her inside, letting the screen door slam shut like it had been his entire life. The very person he’d become had been shaped inside the familiar pale yellow walls, with the same square white tiles in the kitchen, and the family photos on every surface.

He could remember chasing Jack up the stairs, his long legs loping after his big brother, or swapping rooms when he was fourteen. The familiar ache of Ben was still there, and Luke still couldn’t meet his brother’s blue eyes in all the photographs, but he didn’t feel quite as strangled as he had before.

“Oh it’s so good to see you both,” Liz breathed, taking a seat on the couch with Ruby on her knee. “I’ve missed you both so much.”

Luke sat beside her, letting the baby bag fall at his feet. He felt overwhelming shame, and his chest seized with the knowledge of how much he’d punished his family – his mother especially – by keeping Ruby away.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, looking down at his fingers splayed over his denim-covered knees. “I was so selfish and I was only doing what I needed, and I didn’t think of you and I’m so sor-“

“Luke,” Liz sighed softly, her hand resting on top of his, curling her fingers around his. “We all grieve in our own wa-

“But I was wrong,” Luke interrupted, wiping at his nose that he hadn’t realized was running. “I shut you all out and I made it about me.”

“Luke,” Liz tried again. “Do you know what you’ve done?”

Luke looked up at her, afraid of her answer, afraid of the accusatory expression on her face.

He was greeted with a smile, and he didn’t feel worthy.

“You did what you needed to do to raise this baby, and take care of yourself. And you’ve done a marvellous job, sweetie.”

Luke’s bottom lip trembled and he latched onto her hand. “Don’t make me the good guy, mum. I hurt you and dad, and _everyone_.”

She let go of his hand to reach for his shoulder, pulling him towards her. He easily folded in against her, like he had countless times before, whenever he’d needed her understanding, her support. It still felt like when he came out, when he was so terrified she’d hate him, but instead she’d kissed his forehead and told him her heart couldn’t love him more.

He found in her the strength he needed to get through the next second, minute, hour.

“Look at this little girl,” she mumbled into his hair, stroking her fingers along his shoulder. “She’s a happy, joyful little person, and the only reason she is all of that is because of you.”

Luke sniffed, feeling a few tears roll down his cheeks. “It’s been hard.”

“I know,” Liz said softly. “I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you. I know how much you loved him, Lukey.”

Luke sucked in a slow breath to keep his emotions in check. “You lost him too. So did dad and Jack.”

“Yes,” she nodded. “We all lost two people very special to us, your father and I lost a son and a daughter. And while I still don’t see how I’m ever going to come to terms with that, life does go on. Even when you don’t want it to.”

“I took Ruby away,” Luke whispered. “It was too hard to see you guys and know that they were missing and I couldn’t deal with it. So I pushed you all away and took your granddaughter…”

Liz sniffed. “You came back, sweetie. You bought her back, and you’re here. Nothing is ever bad when you’re in my arms, okay?”

Luke pressed his face into her chest, letting out a soft, broken sob. He’d spent so much time being afraid of coming back to see his family, that it would make everything hurt ten times worse, and while it did – Luke’s heart was _breaking –_ it was what he needed. The love and support he’d had every day since he was born.

“No one can understand how it feels to raise a child,” she murmured. “Especially one that isn’t your own, but you’ve done a wonderful job.”

Luke sniffed and lifted his head to see Ruby staring at him, a smile on her face. He couldn’t help but laugh, reaching out to tickle her.

“See,” Liz commented. “She loves you so much.”

“I know,” Luke sniffed, sitting back to run his fingers through his hair. “She’s incredible, mum.”

“I know,” Liz smiled. “Grandmother intuition.”

Luke sighed. “Are you sure you don’t hate me? For keeping her away?”

“Never,” Liz assured him. “No one here hates you, Lukey. We knew you’d be back.”

Luke laughed, wiping at his eyes and let out a sigh. “I’m going back to work on Monday.”

“Well,” she laughed, tickling Ruby. “You feel okay?”

Luke smiled, sitting back in his seat. “I don’t know,” he admitted honestly. “I feel ready, but I’m still concerned. I’ve got everything planned, and Calum is going to watch Ruby.”

“Oh,” she commented, her face falling momentarily.

“Not because I don’t trust you,” Luke rushed out. “Just because the idea of her being at home is good, it makes me feel better.”

“I understand,” Liz assured him. “But hopefully one day?”

“Of course,” Luke promised. “Calum is going to take some time out for the rest of the season, and he wants to watch her.”

“Calum, hm?”Liz smiled. “He’d be a great son-in-law.”

“ _Mum_ ,” Luke sighed, rolling his eyes. “It’s only been seven months.”

“And if you can make it through these horrible, awful seven months, then you’ll have a long and happy marriage.”

“Let’s just take it day by day, okay?” Luke suggested. “Plus, I don’t know if he’s all that keen.”

She frowned. “What makes you say that?”

Luke bit down on his bottom lip, unsure if he should share his feelings regarding his relationship with his mother. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her, he was just conscious of the fact that his relationship with Calum hadn’t been all that normal. People don’t usually end up with a baby a few months into dating.

He let out a slow breath. “Sometimes – _all_ the time, actually – he says things about him not being Ruby’s father, and I already know what I’m about to say is _crazy_ , but he kind of is, right?”

“Well,” Liz started, bouncing Ruby on her knee. “He’s certainly been with you both from the start, and it’s not crazy to think that you’ve become a family of sorts,” she nodded. “But honey, have you asked him?”

Luke frowned. “Asked him what?”

She smiled. “If he _wants_ to be her dad? If he’s comfortable with it, or if he’s not? He might be conscious of not stepping on your toes, because you _are_ her legal parent now.”

While everything she said made sense, Luke couldn’t put the dots together. He figured that shared parenting was implied, because there were times when _Luke_ couldn’t even soothe the baby, but as soon as Calum was singing his favourite All Time Low song, she’d quieten immediately.

He figured that Calum would feel just as much like a parent as he did.

“You’re sweet,” Liz smiled, patting his hand. “But you should ask him. It’s a big deal, and maybe it’s a conversation you need to have. It is the rest of your lives, here.”

Luke opened his mouth to respond, but closed it quickly.

She was _right_.

“God,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “How have I managed to keep us both alive these past few months without your motherly wisdom?”

She laughed, and dragged him in to press a kiss to his cheek.

**

Luke didn’t intend on being up until three AM. But ever since he’d spoken to his mum, all he could think about was her advice.

He’d ended up spending most of the afternoon at home, being spoiled with banana and honey sandwiches and chocolate milk – his daily staple when he was ten – and watching old home movies when Ruby had a nap.

There had been tears and laughter and fierce nostalgia, and Luke hadn’t felt quite so at home in quite a long time. He’d stayed to see his dad after a long day at work, and had begrudgingly declined their dinner invitation to get home to Calum.

The tired man had been on the couch when Luke got home – with a pizza box under his arm, no less – and was watching soccer and trying to stay awake. He was still training in preparation for a game on Friday night, and then he’d be taking time off. Luke didn’t ask too many questions, Calum was still a little touchy about the whole scouts situation.

But he’d listened intently as Luke recounted his day, about how spending time with his mum had healed a little piece of his broken heart. They suffered together, and realized that it wasn’t so bad so long as you were beside someone you loved.

They’d put the baby to bed and turned in themselves, but Luke was wide awake.

He was listening to Calum’s even breaths and watching the shadows play across the ceiling. He knew that his mother was right, that it was sort of presumptuous to expect Calum to automatically feel like a father. They hadn’t even really talked about what taking on Ruby would mean. Luke had just decided – separately, _alone_ – that he was going to adopt her, that he’d fulfil Ben and Sarah’s wishes and be her dad.

If he was being honest, maybe Luke hadn’t given Calum the respect and attention he deserved when it came down to making the decision. Luke had made the decision for them, and how could Calum have said otherwise?

He rolled toward the other man, curling around his back and pressing a soft kiss to the back of his neck. He almost wanted to wake him up, ask him what it all _meant_ to him, but he was slightly afraid of his answer. What if there was part of Calum who didn’t want this?

Luke closed his eyes, trying to quell his fears. He had to believe that Calum was in this with him. He was voluntarily giving up soccer for the rest of the season to help him out.

That meant something, right?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's reading/subscribing and leaving kudos! Special thanks to Coco_Decon, thominhoplease, Wizardofoz, asocialreader and calum_xxx_hood for their comments!
> 
> Also...I've got another Cake story in the works! I've got so much to share with you all!
> 
> xoxo


	22. Chapter 22

“You had sex!”

Ashton rolled his eyes, taking a sip from the milkshake in his hand. “Would you keep your voice down, we’re in public.”

Luke smirked, handing Ruby a cracker and tucked the blanket around her under her legs. Considering it was spring, the nights were still cold enough to warrant a beanie on the six-month-old’s head, as they sat alongside other soccer fans watching the warm up before the game.

Calum had insisted he not come – it was his last game of the season and it was bitterly cold – but Luke knew there was nowhere else he wanted to be. He’d roped Ashton in as his date-slash-babysitter, desperate to find out how well Ashton and Michael’s coffee date had gone, and if his prediction was true, it must’ve gone _well_.

“Well, are you going to tell me?” Luke questioned, taking his coffee cup out of Ashton’s hand to take a grateful sip.

“Why do you want to know so bad?” Ashton demanded, narrowing his eyes.

Luke sighed. “Because I care about you, and I care about Michael and I want to _knoooow_!”

Ashton laughed, stealing a cracker from the bag intended for Ruby. “Look, it went well,” he answered flippantly.

Luke rolled his eyes, handing Ruby another cracker when she held out her hand. “Ta?” he prompted her.

She grinned and took the cracker anyway, and shoved it in her mouth.

“C’mon, I’ll get Ruby to say _ta_ before I get you to spill, won’t I?”

Ashton laughed, taking another sip from his milkshake. “I just don’t want to ruin it, okay? If it stays between me and him, then it’s special, it’s ours.”

Luke’s eyes softened, and he leant into Ashton, pressing a kiss to his jacket-covered arm. “I’m really happy for you, Ash.”

Ashton smiled. “Thanks.”

Luke was distracted by Ruby, letting out a grunt to signify she wanted something. When she refused another cracker, Luke handed over her sippy cup, and she grabbed onto it with both hands to have a drink.

“She’s seriously adorable,” Ashton smiled.

Luke laughed. “She’s not so adorable at two AM when Calum won’t wake up to sing her back to sleep.”

Ashton handed over what was left of his cracker to her and she munched on it happily. “I know that things with Ruby weren’t exactly natural,” he said delicately, looking at Luke. “But you and Cal, you’re making a go of it, yeah?”

Luke smiled, his teeth tugging at his lip ring and tried to ignore the questions bubbling up inside of him. “I…yeah, I think so,” he answered. “Actually, I don’t know.”

Ashton frowned. “Uh oh?”

Luke sighed, his eyes going to Calum who was dribbling the ball slowly up the field, having a laugh with his teammates. “Do you think he wants to be Ruby’s dad?”

“Do _I_ think he wants to be Ruby’s dad?” Ashton repeated. “I don’t know if I’m qualified to weigh in here, Luke.”

Luke sighed again, looking over at his friend. “I feel like he doesn’t feel like he’s as much her parent as I am, and I thought he was? But it occurred to me that I’ve never actually _asked_ him to take her on as his, you know?”

Ashton sucked on his straw, considering the information. “What are you going to do?”

Luke had asked himself that a million times since meeting with his mum two days before. He’d hoped he’d forget about it, but he knew that was a pipe dream. He needed to know where they stood, whether or not they were a family.

**

By the time the whistled was called at the end of the game, Luke felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. The game had been positively electric, and while soccer wasn’t usually Luke’s favourite sport, he always got caught up when he watched Calum play.

He was electric, even in the background when he wasn’t dribbling the ball downfield. He seemed to have his eye on the ball and on every single one of the opposing players. While he hadn’t scored any of the three-point winning goals, he’d been instrumental in setting up two of them, and was dragged into more than one good-natured headlock because of it.

He watched as Calum and his teammates congratulated their opponents on a good game, and Luke almost felt like he was keeping a secret, because they’d gone the entire ninety minutes of play without Calum realizing he was there.

He imagined following him down the tunnel to the change rooms to surprise him, and was glad Ashton was still there, texting on his phone like he had been almost the entire duration of the game.

There was no prize for _who_ he was texting, and Luke normally would’ve given him shit for his anti-social behaviour, but there was something kind of sweet about it, Ashton’s phone going off every ten or fifteen seconds with a reply message from Michael.

“Hey, so if you still have use of your thumbs, do you want to come and surprise Calum in the change room with me?”

Ashton looked up from his phone and flipped Luke off. “I’ll have you know that I’ve been dealing with a work matter,” he said hotly, sticking his nose snidely in the air.

Luke snorted out a laugh. “Yeah? Didn’t know Michael’s ass was a _work matter_ ,” he teased.

Ashton laughed, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. And for your information, we’re not talking about his _ass_.”

Luke smirked. “Suuuuuure you’re not.”

Ashton rolled his eyes again. “Jesus, just give me your baby and go and surprise your man in the change room.”

Luke looked down at Ruby who was curled against his chest and blissfully asleep. She’d started to yawn somewhere around halftime, and she’d clung tiredly to his t-shirt as he rocked her gently, her eyelids fluttering shut in the cool air.

She was bundled up, her head tucked under his chin, and as much as he’d love to go and surprise Calum without her, he knew there was no way he could pry off her death grip without waking her.

“I’ll take her,” Luke smiled. “She can congratulate him with me.”

Ashton rolled his eyes as his phone went off. “I’ll be here.”

“Oh, I have no doubt about that,” Luke teased, standing up slowly and eased out of the aisle they were in, and stepped through the small gate that lead to the change rooms. He curled his arms closer around Ruby, pressing a kiss to her head through her beanie.

The halls were mostly deserted, and Luke could hear the raucous laughter coming from the change room down the hall, and he could only imagine the male bravado and testosterone flying around in there. It made him question his decision to surprise Calum.

He side-stepped a man on his mobile phone with a soft smile, heading further down the hall.

“You’re Luke, right?”

Luke looked over his shoulder at the man, his phone still pressed to his ear. “Uh, yes?”

The man said something into his phone and hung up. “I’m Dan, the assistant coach.”

“Oh,” Luke smiled. “Sorry, I think we met at the team fundraiser back in June?”

“Yeah,” Dan confirmed. “Calum talks about you a lot, too.”

Luke’s cheeks coloured, and he looked down at Ruby for a moment.

“Actually, he talks about you so much that I think you’re the only one who can help him at the moment.”

Luke looked back up at him and frowned. “Help him?”

 “I told him it was crazy,” Dan sighed, crossing his muscular arms over his chest. “He explained your, uh, _situation_ , and I get that it’s a really hard time for you and him at the moment, but he _can’t_ turn this down.”

“Turn what down?”

“The Socceroos,” Dan explained. “Ange Postecoglou himself wants Calum in Brazil on Monday, and he turned it down.”

Luke narrowed his eyes in confusion, staring at the man in front of him. The words just didn’t make sense, and he felt the distinct feeling of anxiety deep in his gut.

“I think if anyone can talk to him about this, it’s you. I understand he wants to help you out and stay behind, but he will _never_ get an opportunity like this again.”

“Right,” Luke said slowly. “What are the details, again? I seem to have baby brain all the time,” he feigned.

Dan smiled. “The scouts were interested and his name was thrown around by a few of the powers that be, and somehow Ange got a hold of some game footage and he wants Calum. A four month stint at first, wants him to train with the team and see how it goes.”

Luke felt panic inside his chest, unable to comprehend all the information, but every thought he had cycled back to the realization that Calum had _lied_.

Not only had he been picked, he’d been picked by the best.

“Just talk to him,” Dan pleaded. “He deserves this more than any player I’ve had the pleasure of getting to work with. He’s an incredible asset, and he has earned the right to play for Australia.”

Luke nodded. He agreed completely with the other man, he knew how hard Calum had worked to get to where he was. He’d suffered through multiple injuries, punishing training schedules and sacrificed a lot for soccer. And Luke couldn’t help but think, if it wasn’t for him and Ruby, Calum would be packing his bags for Brazil.

“Look, he’ll probably be pissed that I asked you, but I couldn’t just let it go. He belongs on that plane.”

Luke nodded again, unsure what would come out if he opened his mouth. Sobs, screams, he wasn’t sure, and he knew that he didn’t want to find out, not standing there with an entire soccer team down the hall.

Dan patted him on the shoulder. “Cute kid,” he offered, before starting down the hall towards the change room.

Luke looked down at Ruby and pulled the blanket up higher around her shoulders, and stood there for a long minute.

He was hoping for some clarity, a glaring neon sign hanging over his head, telling him what to do. Instead, tiny pieces of a big puzzle were sliding into place, and with those realizations, Luke felt nothing but pain.

“Luke?”

He turned, lip ring trapped between his teeth to see Calum, his hair damp after his shower, wearing a soft grey t-shirt and loose shorts. He looked tired and surprised, his bag strung over his shoulder as he walked down the hall.

“You came.”

Luke nodded, looking down at his shoes.

“You okay?” Calum asked, wrapping his arm around Luke, his hand settling against his lower back. “More importantly, how’s the little princess?” He pressed a soft kiss to Ruby’s cheek before pressing his nose to Luke’s forehead.

Luke’s eyes were downcast, trying to will the tears that built in them away. He didn’t want to do this, not at the soccer stadium, not when Ashton was waiting for them.

“Luke?”

He sniffed and looked up before focusing on a spot over Calum’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” Calum asked, his brows knitting together. “Talk to me.”

Luke reached up to rest his palm against Calum’s chest, fingers tracing over the faded band logo on the fabric. “I spoke to Dan,” he whispered.

Calum stiffened.

“I’m supposed to talk you into getting on a plane to Brazil on Monday.”

“Luke-“

“Don’t,” Luke whispered. “Ash is waiting and I want to get Ruby home to bed, and I can’t _do_ this, Cal.”

“Jesus,” Calum mumbled. “I-“

“I guess this is why you didn’t want me to come tonight,” Luke commented softly.

“I’m so sorry.”

Luke’s eyes met Calum’s, and he didn’t doubt the sincerity in his apology at all. But he didn’t know how to reconcile what had occurred in the last twenty minutes.

He couldn’t connect the dots, couldn’t see past the hurt.

Where were they meant to go from here?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm sorry? I know that Luke has had enough devastation, but let's be honest...soul-crushing stories are always the ones that get you hooked the fastest!
> 
> Thanks to everyone giving this love, special, huge, awesome thanks to asocialreader, horanswillie, calum_xxx_hood & Coco_Decon for their comments!
> 
> xoxo


	23. Chapter 23

“Alright, sweet girl,” Luke mumbled softly, cradling Ruby to his chest.

She was stirring, letting out soft whimpers against his shirt. Her hands grabbed for him again as he walked down the hall towards her room, trying to transfer her into her cot without waking her too much. 

The car ride home had been tense, and Calum had tried to start a conversation more than once, but Luke didn’t want to cry in front of Ruby. He’d already made peace with the fact that he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold it together, and the longer he held onto his resolve, the easier it was to think logically about the situation.

Ruby let out a cry, and Luke pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Hi, honey,” he mumbled, easing her beanie off.

He quickly changed her nappy, her soft cries turning insistent as he quickly zipped up her pyjamas, pacing her room with her in his arms.

She was so tired, her head resting on his chest, her thumb in her mouth as she settled again. He hummed softly, rubbing her back and feeling calm just from having her in his arms.

He put her into her cot and watched as she settled quickly, rolling onto her side and letting out a tired sigh.

He waited until he knew she was asleep before covering her up and switching on the baby monitor and tiptoed out of her room, pulling her door shut.

“Luke?”

Luke looked down the hall to where Calum’s voice sounded from. It was quiet and soft, and reminded Luke of lazy cuddles and whispered confessions beneath the sheets, and he wished he could turn back time.

“Yeah?” he responded tiredly, following the sound of Calum’s voice to find him in the kitchen, two matching mugs on the bench.

“Tea?” Calum offered.

Luke nodded, getting the milk out of the fridge.

Calum made their tea in silence and Luke leant up against the bench with his arms crossed over his chest. He didn’t want to have the inevitable conversation, he didn’t want to hear what Calum had to say, and he definitely didn’t want to know what words were bottled up inside of him, and waiting to be released.

Luke’s gaze was focused on the tiled floor of his kitchen, looking at the crumbs in front of the fridge. He knew he’d have to sweep them up later, but the idea of doing it made him feel tired. But his exhaustion seemed to spike after talking to Dan, after the emotional baggage settled on his shoulders and he felt like it was all too much.

“Here,” Calum mumbled.

Luke blinked at him, and accepted the mug Calum extended. “Thank you.”

Calum nodded. “Can we sit? Talk?”

Luke nodded, even though he didn’t want to. He followed the other man out into the living room and sat down, setting his mug down so he could take off his shoes, curling his legs underneath him as he settled into the cushions.

“I can start, if you want?” Calum offered.

Luke nodded again.

“I found out a few weeks ago that I wasn’t picked to go to Shanghai,” Calum said softly. “That’s where three of the guys are going. It’s a two month stint to do a soccer boot camp type of thing. I was disappointed, obviously. But before I left for the day, the coach pulled me aside and told me Ange wanted me.

I was floored, Luke. I thought the best case scenario would be going to Shanghai for two months and training with Tim Cahill and really getting some overseas exposure. But this – the _Socceroos –_ was something I never could’ve expected. When my coach told me that Ange Postecoglou had seen some footage, and was really interested, it blew my mind.”

Luke picked up his mug and blew on his tea before taking a small sip.

“I went to Michael’s that afternoon because I didn’t know what to do. I told him about the offer, about what it meant for my career, and I told him the moment I found out about Brazil, I’d already decided to decline.”

“Why?” Luke whispered.

“Why?” Calum repeated. “It wasn’t a rational decision, Luke. The coach said _Ange Postecoglou_ and _Brazil_ and _Socceroos_ and I just…thought about you and Ruby. About you wanting to go back to work and get your life back on track. I told Michael and he tore strips off me for even thinking about turning it down, but I’d made up my mind.”

Luke sniffed. “So you came home and told me you weren’t picked.”

Calum nodded. “Yeah,” he mumbled. “I wanted to put you and Ruby first, because I love you both so much.”

“Don’t do that,” Luke accused softly. “Don’t be noble, okay? You _lied_ to me. You _used_ me as a reason not to do this, and that is the worst part of all of this. That you passed on something that will never come around again.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Luke sighed. “Don’t you think I’d prepared myself to lose you? I’m not stupid, Calum, I knew there was no way in hell you’d be passed over for something like this. And _you_ knew that, too.”

“I didn’t I-“

“It’s why you hold Ruby at arm’s length,” Luke mumbled quietly. “I thought maybe you were scared at taking on the responsibility of a baby, but the truth is that you knew if you got picked, you’d go. So when strangers ask if she’s yours, you say she’s not. Because you _knew_ you were going, even before it was official.”

Calum looked away, guilt in his eyes, in the turned down corner of his lips.

“It’s okay,” Luke said softly, his hand settling on Calum’s. “It’s okay to have the confidence in your abilities, Cal. And I knew that this was a strong possibility, and I’m so incredibly hurt that you never trusted me enough to be honest. You think I can’t handle it without you? You never gave me the chance to be proud of you, to encourage you to do this.”

“Luke, it’s not that simple,” Calum sighed.

“Hey,” Luke said, squeezing his hand. “You have to go, Cal. I won’t be the reason you gave up on your dream, and I won’t be the reason why you resent me in ten years because I held you back. I’m going to _miss_ you, so much,” he whispered, feeling his voice waiver. “Ruby and I will miss you, but you’ve worked so hard for this opportunity, and you deserve this.”

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you,” Calum mumbled. “I _knew_ you’d want me to go, and I just didn’t want to, I didn’t want to leave you.”

“I’m not going to fall apart,” Luke insisted.

“That’s not why!” Calum demanded. “Jesus, yes, okay, we’re in a fragile situation and I know how rough things have been for you, but they’ve been rough for me too. I lost a brother and a sister, I lost what you lost, and the idea of leaving you, and the memory of Ben and Sarah behind is just…it’s part of the reason I don’t want to go.”

Luke frowned. “I know, Cal. But you need to do this. You’re ready, and you deserve it, and just because you’d be in a different place and time, it doesn’t mean you’re going to forget them, or us.”

Calum stared down at the mug in his hands, his teeth closing over his bottom lip. “It’s not just that.”

“Then what?” Luke asked softly, sliding down the couch closer to him to cup his jaw. “You can tell me anything.”

Calum pulled away from his touch, letting out a sigh. “I was going to tell you tonight. About Brazil,” he revealed. “After playing tonight, and winning and reminding myself how much I love soccer, and I knew I couldn’t give it up. I was going to come home tonight and be honest with you.”

“Okay,” Luke said softly. “And you’ve done that.”

Calum looked up at him, his dark eyes wide with pain. “There’s more.”

For some reason, Luke felt instantly nauseous, like the hotdog he’d had at the game would reappear as his hands began to shake.

“When you said before? About me holding Ruby at arm’s length? You were right,” he said softly. “But not for the reason you said.”

Luke felt like he wasn’t in his body, that he was floating above the tense conversation, almost as though he could see the wreckage coming. It was like he knew, before the words ever left Calum’s lips.

“I’m not ready,” he whispered softly, his eyes on his mug again. “I thought I could do it, I could be here for you and for her and that together, we’d be a family.”

Luke swallowed, his throat dry and all he could hear was the rushing of blood in his ears, and Calum’s tinny speech.

“I _love_ her,” Calum insisted. “I love her so much, and I _want_ to want to be her dad,” he mumbled. “But it’s overwhelming and I’m not strong enough, Luke. Not now, not at twenty-five when I never had a choice.”

“You never had a choice?” Luke whispered. “I _gave_ you a choice. I told you that I was going to have her, and that it was okay if you didn’t think you could.”

“How could I do it, Luke?” Calum asked, looking up momentarily. “How could I tell you I couldn’t, a week after Ben and Sarah died?”

A surprised, choked burst of laughter left Luke’s lips and he felt the tears rush to his eyes. “You stayed because you didn’t want to break up with me after my brother and sister died?”

“No!” Calum insisted. “Jesus, it’s not coming out right,” he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “I knew you would end up with Ruby, Luke. I knew before you ever met with the lawyers, before the funerals even. I knew they would pick you, and you’d accept and that would be our life. And when you told me, of course I wanted to. I wanted to be everything you needed, and that extended to Ruby, too.”

Luke wiped away a few angry tears, not wanting to cry.

“But it was so much harder than I thought it would be, and I had such long days of training and looking after you, and at some point it just started feeling too real. Like this was the rest of our lives, raising this tiny person and being everything she needed and the pressure – the _expectation_ – drove me crazy.”

“She _loves_ you,” Luke whispered. “You never should’ve stayed and given her false hope.”

Calum reached for him, but Luke pulled away. “Don’t make it sound like I’ve spent the last five months hating it.”

“Well, that’s what it sounds like,” Luke whispered, crossing his arms.

Calum set his mug down and crawled toward Luke, cupping his face. “Do you realize how hard this is to admit?” he asked quietly. “To look at you and tell you these things that I know will hurt you?”

“Are you trying to hurt me to make it easier on you to leave?”

Calum’s face pinched. “I’m telling you that you should have someone who _wants_ to be a dad,” he mumbled, kissing his cheek.

“So,” Luke whispered, putting his hands on Calum’s chest to push him away. “You’re telling me you’re leaving the country, you don’t want me _or_ my daughter, and now we’re breaking up?”

Calum sat back, his hands resting ineffectually in his lap. “I don’t know what to say.”

Luke stood up from the couch and ran his hands through his hair. “I think you’ve said enough.”

“Luke, wait,” Calum sighed, extending his hand toward the other man. “I didn’t want this to happen.”

“You didn’t _want_ this?” Luke asked incredulously. “You just _broke up_ with me, and it’s not what you wanted?”

Calum pressed his eyes shut, and let out a soft groan of frustration. “I don’t want to leave you, but I have to!”

“Tell me,” Luke demanded, his arms crossing protectively over his chest. “If I didn’t have Ruby, would you be breaking up with me?”

“I don’t know,” Calum said painfully. “Things would’ve been different.”

“I need to know, if it’s her, or if it’s me.”

“It’s the situation,” the older man sighed. “It’s everything that has happened in the last five months. It’s me moving in, and losing Ben and Sarah, and suddenly having Ruby. It’s grief, and responsibility, and pressure and I’m twenty- _fucking_ -five, and I didn’t think this would ever happen!”

“And I did?” Luke asked, raising his voice. “You think I expected any of this? This isn’t how I wanted to be a father either! I wanted to marry you and live our life and one day we’d just _know_ we were ready!”

“You can’t blame me for not being ready!” Calum shouted. “You weren’t ready either, and the only difference here is that I’m the only one who’s being honest about it!”

The room was suddenly so silent when Calum fell quiet, and Luke could hear the baby monitor on the coffee table come to life. Ruby whimpered, her sleep disturbed, and he willed for her to settle, not wanting to go into her room in the state he was in.

She let out a cry, followed by another, and before long, she was letting out heartbreaking sobs.

Luke sucked in a slow, shaky breath and exhaled it slowly before looking at Calum. “You got what you wanted,” he said softly. “Go to Brazil, Calum. You don’t live here anymore.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, after I dropped the bomb of this chapter I followed it up with...this. I would say I'm sorry but I favour character development (and drama omg). But thanks for sticking with me, and I hope you'll keep reading to see where these two end up!
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading, subscribing and leaving kudos, and a massive thank you to thominhoplease, Coco_Decon, asocialreader, horanswillie, clamu_hnod, ben_parish, Lukesnotpunk, daemonash93 & daisy_maus for their awesome comments!
> 
> xoxo


	24. Chapter 24

“Luke, I’m –“

“Don’t be,” Luke nodded, stirring two sugars into the coffee cup in front of him.

Ashton shared a look with Michael, before his hand rested on Luke’s knee. “It’s okay to be upset.”

 _Upset_ had come and gone sometime during the night before, when Luke was lying awake in bed, Ruby curled up asleep beside him. He hadn’t been able to settle her when he’d found her wailing in her cot, her arms extended to him.

He knew Calum singing to her would help, but when Luke had left the older man in the living room, he hadn’t tried to follow him, and Luke had laid awake listening to him switching on the TV and subsequently turning it off moments later before the lights were switched off as Calum presumably settled in for the night on the couch.

Luke had cradled Ruby to his chest in their bed, rocking her gently until the tears subsided from sheer exhaustion, and she’d fallen asleep in his arms. He’d had to bite down on his bottom lip to the point of pain to keep from sobbing, the realization that he was _alone_ now, sinking in.

His mind and body gave way to exhaustion sometime around three in the morning, and he’d built a pillow fort around Ruby before dropping off to sleep, waking up only three hours later to Ruby’s little hands on his cheeks, giggling at him happily.

Calum hadn’t been home when he got up a half an hour later, and Luke wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed.

Luke still couldn’t be there without him, so after changing Ruby and giving her a quick breakfast, he’d left home and ended up on Michael’s doorstep, his suspicions of finding Ashton there confirmed when he saw the older man’s car parked on the street.

He’d knocked and the expression on his face was probably enough that Michael let him in without asking a single question, just led him and Ruby down the hall to the man cave where Ashton was half-asleep on the couch.

But now that he was awake, and had made coffee and sat Luke down while Ruby sat beside him on the couch, his eyes were clouded with worry as Luke had told the story of his break up with Calum.

“I’m sorry,” Michael said quietly, uncomfortably.

Luke shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

“No,” Michael sighed. “I knew he was going to turn down the soccer thing, and I got really mad at him for it. If that’s what led to this….”

“It didn’t,” Luke said quietly. “It was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

“I don’t get it,” Ashton breathed softly, from where he sat pressed close to Michael. “Him and Ruby just…fit.”

Luke bit at his lip ring and looked down at the baby, who was happily munching on a piece of banana. “I expected too much,” he whispered. “I just assumed he’d be her dad, and I never asked if he was okay.”

“I just can’t believe you broke up,” Michael mumbled. “He never said anything to you about any of it?”

“No, and that was the problem,” Luke muttered bitterly. “He just buried all of it and never gave me a chance to fix it.”

“It’s his problem,” Ashton pointed out flatly. “He should’ve said something.”

“In his defence,” Michael began, “it’s not really something you can discuss over a cup of coffee.”

“Still,” Ashton pointed out. “He stayed even when he knew he didn’t want to. He led Ruby on, and Luke.”

Michael frowned. “Cut the guy a break. It’s been rough on everyone, and just because he didn’t know how to say the words, doesn’t make him a piece of shit.”

“I never said that,” Ashton snapped. “I’m saying it’s fucking selfish, because now there is a _kid_ involved, and that’s something you can’t be blasé about.”

“Guys,” Luke said tiredly. “The last thing I want is for you two to fight about this.”

Michael looked over at Luke. “I’m just saying, he’s done the wrong thing, but he’s not the devil.”

“I know,” Luke said softly. “And none of what happened last night has made me love him any less. I think that if it did, it wouldn’t hurt this bad.”

Ashton squeezed his knee. “What are you going to do?”

Luke sighed. “Push work back, I guess. He was my babysitter.”

“You can’t,” Michael stressed softly. “Don’t take two steps back. I can watch her.”

Luke smiled. “That’s incredibly generous, but I honestly think it would drive you crazy.”

Michael returned his smile. “Probably,” he nodded. “But I don’t want you to put it off again.”

“I’ll talk to mum,” Luke sighed. “I’ll do my best.”

Ashton leant over and wrapped his arms tight around Luke, and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Luke.”

Luke pressed his eyes shut, thinking of the last hug he shared with Calum. He didn’t know how he didn’t notice that all along, Calum wasn’t okay.

“I can come stay with you,” Ashton offered as he let him go. “Help you out a little with Ruby.”

Luke looked down at her, and she smiled up at him, extending a mushed up fistful of banana to him. He pretended to eat it to make her smile, and he was glad he was still able to find joy in her.

“What if I can’t do it without him?” Luke asked quietly. “Sometimes when I’m having a really bad day with her, I remember that he’s going to be home at some point, that he’ll be able to hold me and listen to me talk about how she wouldn’t have her afternoon sleep, or that she puked on me or whatever.”

“I’ll move in,” Ashton promised firmly. “I know it won’t be the same, but you won’t be alone.”

Luke nodded, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “I don’t want to cry in front of her,” he sighed. “She can pick up on it.”

“Why don’t we look after her today?” Michael offered. “Maybe you should try and talk to Calum again? Maybe now you’ve both had time to settle down, you can talk?”

Luke shook his head. “I don’t know if that will help. Every time I look at him, I think about how he doesn’t want to be her dad, and I feel responsible, like he’s leaving her because I didn’t put her first.”

“Luke,” Ashton mumbled. “You’ve done an incredible job with her,” he insisted. “And Calum loves her, I believe that. There’s a difference between not being ready to be a father, and not _wanting_ to be one.”

“Yeah, but now he’s going to be gone,” Luke said, his throat tight. “She’s old enough to look for him when we’re home, she _loves_ him, and he’s just going to have disappeared from her life.”

“Then you make sure he says goodbye,” Michael insisted. “She deserves that much.”

Luke looked down at Ruby again, watching her pick up her sippy cup for a drink. He knew that Michael was right, that he couldn’t just let things end how they had. They’d have to have a proper goodbye, and Luke didn’t want to end things so permanently that he’d never be able to talk to Calum again.

But the idea of it – saying the words and sharing one last kiss – broke Luke’s heart.

 **

Luke had just closed the door to Ruby’s bedroom when he heard Calum at the front door. His heart leapt into his throat, and despite how much he wanted to see the other man, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to keep it together.

“Luke?”

He sniffed, wrapping his arms around himself and headed down the hall and saw Calum by the front door.

“Hey,” Calum said softly. “I’m sorry I’m back, I just wanted to see you.”

“No, it’s okay,” Luke said softly. “I was mad last night, I didn’t mean to just kick you out.”

Calum nodded, sliding his keys into his pocket. “I’m sorry for leaving this morning, I wasn’t sure if I should stay.”

Luke bit down on his bottom lip and swallowed thickly. “I don’t want it to be like this,” he murmured, his voice sounding too loud in the silent house. “Even if we’re not together, I don’t want to lose you from my life completely.”

Calum stepped forward, his hands extending towards Luke. “I don’t want that either,” he mumbled.

Luke took a few steps toward him, before meeting Calum in the space between the living room and kitchen, and melted into his arms.

One of Calum’s hands cupped Luke’s head, his other arm wrapping tightly around his waist. “Jesus Luke,” he whispered, pressing his nose against his neck. “I’m so sorry.”

“You were right,” Luke whispered softly. “I’m not ready to be a dad either, but you get why I have to be, right?”

“Of course,” Calum mumbled. “And I didn’t mean to yell at you. I feel terrible about all of it.”

Luke slipped his fingertips under the hem of Calum’s shirt to touch his skin. “Do we have to break up?”

“Luke,” Calum mumbled.

“I know,” the younger man whispered. “I just…God, I feel terrible, Cal.”

“We both made mistakes,” Calum sighed. “It doesn’t matter now. I just don’t want to lose you, or Ruby.”

“You won’t lose me, but we’ll have to take it easy with Ruby, okay? She’s not going to understand you not being here.”

Calum nodded.

Luke pulled out of the embrace. “I have to put her first,” he whispered. “I don’t know how to do that, but I’m starting to realize that being a parent means sacrificing everything for a child.”

“Will you still go back to work?” Calum asked.

Luke nodded. “Yes. I spoke to mum, and she’s going to come here Monday morning and watch her for as long as I need.”

“Good,” Calum said softly. “That’s really good.”

“You’re welcome to stay, until Monday,” Luke added. “I mean, you fly out then?”

Calum nodded, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck. “I have an early flight.”

Luke looked at him, at the man he’d loved for most of his life, and felt him slowly slipping away. “Can we keep in touch?” he mumbled, looking down at his feet as tears clouded his eyes. “Just a phone call, if that’s okay?”

“Of course that’s okay,” Calum whispered, reaching out to pull Luke back into his arms. “God, Luke. Just because this has happened doesn’t mean I’m still not crazy about you.”

Luke curled his arms around Calum’s waist and nodded. “If it’s okay, I don’t plan on falling out of love with you anytime soon.”

Calum let out a soft laugh. “That’s fine with me. Only if you don’t mind me carrying a torch for you too?”

Luke smiled sadly. “How did we end up here? How is it that Michael and Ashton are the ones in a relationship with each other and we’ve broken up?”

“Things happened we never could’ve anticipated,” Calum said softly. “We did so well to last this long, Luke, but not even the strongest of couples could’ve survived this. We weren’t ready to carry each other through grief and parenthood. That doesn’t make what we had any less special.”

Luke exhaled shakily. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Calum mumbled, pressing his lips to Luke’s shoulder. “And maybe things won’t always be this hard.”

Luke lifted his head and pressed his forehead to Calum’s. “Tell me again.”

Calum nudged his nose against Luke’s. “I love you,” he whispered. “So much.”

Luke nodded, tears blurring his vision. “C-can you kiss me?”

“Course,” Calum mumbled, closing the short distance between them to brush their lips together.

Luke kissed him back gently, his fingers clinging to Calum’s back as the emotion started to undo him. He pulled away to let out a soft sob, his shoulders shaking.

“Oh Luke,” Calum whispered, kissing his shoulder, wrapping his arms tightly around him. “I’m so sorry.”

Luke sniffed, reaching up to wipe at his eyes, trying to keep a lid on his emotions. “No, I’m sorry. This is making it all so much harder.”

Calum squeezed his hips and let go, taking a step backwards. “Are you sure you don’t mind me staying until Monday? I can go home. You know Joy would love it.”

“It’s okay,” Luke nodded. “I mean, if you want to. If it’s too uncomfortable, I’d understand.”

“I just don’t want to drag it out,” Calum said softly. “With you _and_ Ruby.”

Luke bit down on his lip ring and realized he hadn’t been thinking of her when he offered for Calum to stay. “Maybe then we should just, stop it now? You could come over Sunday night, say a proper goodbye to her?”

Calum nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. “That might be for the best.”

Luke felt his bottom lip tremble and he had to trap it between his teeth to keep from crying.

“If you don’t mind, I might pack up my stuff?”

Luke nodded. “I’m just going to sit out on the back deck,” he mumbled. “While you pack.”

Calum nodded and reached out to squeeze Luke’s arm.

Luke walked away, unable to stifle a sob as he let himself out onto the small back deck, slumping against the rendered brick siding of his house. It felt unnatural, to think of Calum packing his things, that they wouldn’t share a home – or a life together – after he drove away that afternoon.

He felt like he was losing Calum like he’d lost Ben, and he was starting to come to the realization that _loss_ would never feel normal again. Not after losing the most important people in his life. And he knew that while Calum wasn’t gone, at least not in the literal sense, things had changed between them, and Luke knew he’d never have Calum again, at least not how he wanted him.

He sat down on the back steps to his small backyard until his ass went numb and the tears had stopped falling. He’d watched the sun fall from the sky, and he tried to ignore the part of himself that wanted to storm inside and demand that they make this work, that they were _meant to be_ , goddammit.

He was interrupted by the door sliding open, and Calum stepped out, walking over to sit down beside him.

“All packed up?” Luke whispered.

Calum nodded, and reached out to lace their fingers together, holding them in his lap. “Can we just sit here for a while?” he asked, and Luke could feel the pain in his voice.

He looked over at Calum’s face and saw his faraway expression and nodded, squeezing his fingers. “I’d like that.”

**

“C’mon you little booger,” Calum laughed, tickling Ruby’s sides. “CaLUM!”

She giggled, her hands grabbing at fistfuls of his hair when he ducked down to blow a raspberry on her stomach.

Luke laughed, watching the scene as warmth flooded through him. It reminded him of all the times the three of them would end up on the couch at the end of the day, talking about their responsibilities as the baby played between them.

And even though Luke knew this was the last time, he was okay.

Because Ruby was happy, looking up at Calum and reaching for him, tugging at his shirt, trying to suck on his fingers.

If she was happy, Luke was happy.

And she had been, the moment Calum had walked into the house. It had been just after dinner, and Luke had been nervous as he waited for the knock at the door, and it had seemed wrong, for Calum to wait until Luke had opened the door, while the key to the lock was still on his key ring.

But they’d taken care of that quickly, Calum pressing his keys into Luke’s palm before they ended up on the couch, talking about Ruby and trying to avoid saying goodbye.

But Calum was looking at his watch, and Luke felt his resolve start to slip.

“I have an early flight in the morning,” the older man mumbled, his hands holding Ruby close.

“Okay,” Luke nodded. “Thank you for stopping by.”

“Of course,” Calum nodded, looking over at him. “God Luke, I hate that things ended up like this.”

Luke smiled sadly and reached over to run his thumb down Calum’s smooth jaw. “Me too. But we’ll figure it out.”

“I hope so,” Calum mumbled, kissing his thumb.

Luke leant over, their noses brushing gently as their mouths met in a kiss.

It was soft, dry, Luke’s hand moving to cup Calum’s jaw, his eyes shut as he tried to commit everything to memory. The smell of Calum’s cologne, the smoothness of his skin, the rough drag of his lips. It was heaven, and Luke couldn’t believe he’d taken all of their kisses for granted, never knowing that one day, he wouldn’t be able to kiss Calum again.

“I won’t ask you to stay,” Luke whispered against Calum’s lips. “But I want you to.”

“I could,” Calum mumbled, his fingertips raking over Luke’s stubbled jaw. “I want to. God, Luke, one more night with you could be the best thing ever, or the absolute worst.”

Luke blinked his eyes open, stroking Calum’s cheek. “I never knew the last time was the last time, you know? And I’m not just talking about intimacy. I think about the last real smile you gave me, or the last time you held me, or the last time you told me you loved me, before all of this.”

“I know,” Calum whispered, biting at his bottom lip. “It’s all I can think about, because before Friday night, things were good. I was overwhelmed, sure, but I thought I was doing the right thing, and now, I have no idea what’s right or wrong.”

“You doing this Brazil thing is right,” Luke murmured, his fingers moving up to comb through Calum’s hair. “Representing Australia and being the soccer star you are is right. You’ve worked so hard for this, and you deserve it.”

“But it’s costing me you.”

Luke smiled sadly. “Maybe,” he whispered. “But you never could’ve given it away and lived with yourself.”

Calum kissed him again, just a soft press of their lips. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” Luke mumbled. “But you’re going to be so great, and I’ll be following your every move.”

Calum laughed softly. “I might even make it onto Fox Sports one day.”

“Course you will,” Luke smiled. “And I’ll watch, even if I still don’t understand all the rules of soccer.”

Calum laughed. “And we’ll talk, okay? Skype? I want to know how you are and what you’re up to, and I want to see Ruby.” His chin wobbled. “Please tell me I can still see her.”

“Oh Cal,” Luke whispered, kissing him again softly. “Of course. I would never keep her away, we just have to be smart with how we work it out. But we’ll skype and you can sing for her and you’ll know everything, I promise.”

Calum pressed his lips more firmly to Luke’s, pulling him closer.

Luke went, his teeth grazing over Calum’s bottom lip, feeling Calum’s tongue press against his own. Luke fell, his lips parting further to accept the kiss, and he felt his head start to spin.

Calum pulled him closer, and Luke was happy to take it further, but Ruby let out a soft squawk from where she was crushed between them.

“Sorry nugget,” Calum smiled ruefully, pulling away to tickle her.

Luke smiled, his hand resting on Calum’s arm. “Maybe it’s good we stop there.”

“Maybe,” Calum considered.

“I mean, it would be great,” Luke countered. “But I don’t want the last time to be because you’re leaving.”

Calum leant over, sealed their lips in a soft kiss that ended quickly. “I should go,” he mumbled.

Luke cupped his face and peppered a few more kisses to his lips. “Yeah, okay.”

Calum pulled him into a hug and inhaled deeply. “I love you, Luke. I always have, and always will.”

“Don’t go saying that,” Luke whispered into his ear. “Because I’ve managed to keep from crying and I don’t want to start now.”

Calum nuzzled him gently. “Fair enough. But say it back, loser.”

Luke laughed, pulling back to look into Calum’s eyes. “I love you, with every part of me, Calum Hood. Since we were twelve and you were skinny and gangly with a terrible haircut.”

“Don’t go taking cheap shots at hairstyles,” Calum accused. “Because do you remember the flat ironed fringe you rocked for all of tenth grade?”

Luke laughed. “Okay, okay, fair enough. But you have to admit, as soon as I mastered the quiff, everything turned around.”

“True,” Calum grinned. “I thought a lot about ruining that hairstyle,” he said suggestively.

Luke felt his cheeks heat up and he shoved at Calum’s shoulder. “You’re a jerk, get out of my house.”

Calum laughed, looking down at Ruby and leant forward to kiss her cheek. “It’s as good a time as any, I suppose.”

Luke knew it would never be a good time. He’d had all weekend to prepare for this moment, and he still wasn’t ready. He’d called Ashton and cried down the phone an hour before Calum showed up, and he knew he’d be crying himself to sleep that night.

But it was the goodbye he could look back on and smile. It didn’t end in a fight, with unanswered questions hanging above their heads. At least now Luke knew they’d still be in each other’s lives, that the contact would still be there.

As much as it hurt, and as much as Luke hated it, it felt right.

“Take your baby,” Calum said softly.

Luke did, and stood when Calum did, following him toward the front door. “So hey, you should text or something, when you land,” he said quickly. “Let me know you arrived safe.”

“Yeah,” Calum nodded. “Sure. And same goes for you, if you ever needed anything. Someone to talk to, work stress. I’m a phone or skype call away.”

Luke leant forward to kiss him again, finding that now they were limited, the more he wanted.

“Jesus,” Calum whispered, his hands cupped around Luke’s stubbled jaw. “Tell me I’m doing the right thing.”

Luke nuzzled him gently, kissing the corner of his mouth. “You’re doing the right thing,” he whispered. “Brazil, soccer, all of it. You _deserve_ it, Cal. This is your time.”

Calum laughed softly. “You’re so great at that. Calming me down.”

Luke laid his palm on his chest, fingers rubbing over the fabric of his t-shirt. “I’m here whenever you need it.”

Calum kissed him again, even as Ruby pawed at him. “Alright,” he mumbled, pulling away. “This is it.”

Luke tried to smile, and he almost succeeded, but he could feel the vulnerable wobble of his chin.

“Bye Ruby,” Calum whispered, lifting her out of Luke’s arms to kiss over her cheeks. “Remember how much I love you, and that I’ll always sing you Lullabies, whenever you want.”

Luke looked away, pressing his fingertips to his lips to keep the whimpers in.

“And take care of your daddy. He’s tough, but he’s going to need you. Make sure you tell Uncle Ashton that you like watching soccer on Saturday mornings, daddy won’t watch unless I’m playing.”

Luke walked away, back towards the living room.

“Luke.”

“No, it’s okay,” he said, looking over his shoulder at Calum. “Tonight has just been great and I don’t want to ruin it by crying.”

Calum looked over at him, the pain obvious in his eyes. “Come back, please? I want you to hear everything I have to say to her.”

Luke hesitated, knowing his heart wouldn’t be able to take it. But looking at Calum cradling Ruby, looking like the family he hadn’t been ready for, but the family he didn’t want to lose.

He stepped closer, reaching out to Calum’s extended hand and took it, stopping at his side.

“Now,” Calum started softly. “I want you both to know that all _this_ , the end of what we are, isn’t because of you, Ruby.”

Luke pressed his lips together.

“You are incredible, and it’s me who can’t handle it. You’ve been a dream, and I feel like there’s a part of you in my heart that will be there forever, and I am so _sorry_ I couldn’t give you the love you deserve.”

“Cal,” Luke whispered. “You don’t have to explain.”

Calum swallowed and looked over at him. “You know that it’s not because I don’t love her, right?”

“Of course I do,” Luke murmured. “Jesus, Calum. I know how much this is hurting you.”

The older man hugged the baby to his chest, pulling Luke into the embrace. “You’re my heart, Luke, and she’s the stars in the sky. I’m just not man enough to be ready for either of you.”

Luke wanted to argue, wanted to tell Calum to take his words back, but he realized it wouldn’t change anything. Things were damaged and now they had to pick up the pieces that were left and try to put them back together again.

“I love you,” Calum murmured, kissing over Luke’s cheek and lips. “I’ll text when I land.”

Luke nodded, taking Ruby from his arms and stealing another kiss. “I love you too. Believe in yourself, Cal. You can _do_ this.”

Calum kissed him, and Luke wished that he’d never be able to forget the press of his lips.

There were no other words to exchange as they stole a few more greedy kisses before Calum was kissing Ruby’s cheeks and disappearing out the front door, and it gently clicked shut.

And Luke burst into tears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always read the chapters before posting them, to check for any sneaking spelling or grammatical errors, and I HATED rereading this one, because it's just so damn sad. :(
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is reading, subscribing and leaving kudos (especially considering how damn awful this story is right now!) and special thanks to UltimateOptimist, Coco_Decon, Coco_Decon, lukeisababe, horanswillie, shutupluke, Wizardofoz, sarahrez1, ashtonirwrn, asocialreader daisy_maus for their comments and thoughts on the last chapter. 
> 
> xoxo


	25. Chapter 25

“Mr Hemmings?”

Luke looked up from the folder in front of him, to see the surprised look on his year twelve student’s faces. He supposed the principal had kept good on his promise not to advertise his return, just in case anything had changed.

And Luke had to admit, their surprised expressions felt _good_.

“Good morning,” he smiled, his cheeks somewhat pink as he remembered the last time he’d seen them, a panicky, puke-covered mess.

He waited for them to take their seats and stood up from his desk, running his fingers over the buttons of his vest, making sure his striped blue button down was still tucked loosely into his jeans.

“Before we get started, I’d just like to clear up a few things,” he announced, leaning back on his desk. “Firstly, I’d like to apologize for my absence, and let you know how deeply sorry I am for missing so much of your HSC prep.

I’m sure you’ve heard, that my brother and his wife passed away almost five months ago, and I am now their daughter’s legal guardian. It has been a very rough adjustment, but please know that my head is in the right place now, and I am ready to get back into helping you all and making sure your HSC is as worry-free as I believe I promised at the start of the year,” he smiled.

The students laughed and the awkwardness was broken.

“So,” he said, clapping his hands together and straightened up. “Open up the practice test papers on your desks and have a crack at last year’s exam. You have an hour. Good luck.”

The students groaned, and Luke finally felt home again.

**

When Luke’s phone vibrated at 2:17AM, he was mildly concerned. He jerked awake, his hand fumbling on his bedside table to grab the device, illuminating the screen as he squinted at the harsh light.

He felt at home for the second time when he saw the text from Calum.

_I’m here, I’m safe. I love you xx_

Luke put his phone down, smiled, and went back to sleep.

**

“Luke, what’s this and why is it coming out of your baby?”

Luke looked up at Ashton and couldn’t hide his fond smile. The older man was holding Ruby in his arms, his fingers smeared in white cream.

He thought that Ashton would be able to handle the nappy change on his own, while Luke got started on dinner. It was the end of his first week back at work, and despite the exhaustion and tension headaches that never really went away, he finally felt useful again.

And Ashton had been a lifesaver, showing up at his front door early Monday evening with a bag at his feet, insisting that he’d told his boss to shove it and he was cutting his hours back to something resembling a healthy schedule, and he was ready to get his hands dirty, so to speak.

“That’s sudocream, and it’s not coming _out_ of her,” Luke told him, turning his attention back to the green beans on the chopping board. “She’s had a little rash the past few days and I put some cream on.”

“Oh,” Ashton said, frowning at his hand. “That’s kind of gross.”

Luke laughed. “Trust me, it’s not the grossest thing you’ll deal with. Are you sure you’re still up for it?”

Ashton nodded, carrying Ruby into the kitchen to grab a paper towel to wipe his hand off. “Of course,” he assured him. “This is actually kind of cool, and she’s pretty awesome. Though Michael’s getting sick of me falling asleep mid blowjob.”

Luke made a face. “I really didn’t need to know that.” He paused. “Were you giving or receiving?”

Ashton smirked. “You don’t want to know.”

Luke groaned, rolling his eyes. “Why don’t you take the night off, then? It’s Friday. Go surprise Michael and give him sex.”

Ashton looked at Ruby, handing her a bean off the chopping board. “Are you sure?”

“Of course,” Luke nodded. “Nothing exciting is going to happen. She’ll go to bed around seven, and I’ll sit on the couch and watch TV until I fall asleep.”

Ashton smiled. “How are you holding up?”

Luke sighed. He tried not to think about how he was feeling, throwing himself into work and Ruby and watching _Deal or No Deal_ and purposefully avoiding the idea of Calum. They’d talked on Wednesday, and the line hadn’t been great and Luke had cried softly while Calum told him how much he was missed.

He wanted to be past the tears, the sadness. He wanted to talk to Calum and _laugh_ , instead of feeling so desperately alone.

Ashton had found him on the couch crying after they’d hung up, and Luke had fallen asleep in his arms once the tears had subsided.

“I’m alright,” Luke answered. “I’m adjusting to sleeping alone, and I don’t always think of him all the time.”

“That’s good,” Ashton smiled. “Because you know you have to be strong for Ruby.”

Luke nodded. “I do know, yeah. And while it hurts and it sucks and I miss him, I’m not letting him leave, kill me.”

Ashton dragged him in and pressed a loud kiss to Luke’s cheek. “I’m so proud of you.”

Luke laughed, elbowing him gently in the chest. “Yeah, whatever. Give me my kid and go and screw Michael.”

Ashton rolled his eyes and handed the baby over, and slapped Luke’s ass playfully as he left the room.

**

Luke was a liar.

He’d sent Ashton off to Michael’s and had a quiet dinner with Ruby, but the moment the baby was in bed, Luke fell apart. He’d been so good at hiding it from Ashton, only letting himself cry into his pillow at night, and despite how good he felt being back at work, it was only tearing him apart to remember that Calum was gone.

He was struggling, but he was so good at faking it. The only person he couldn’t fool was his mum, and all she had to do was squeeze his arm and his legs would buckle and he’d have to bite down harshly on his bottom lip to keep from crying.

He used work to distract him, Ruby too, but it was when she was in bed – when he was _alone_ – that the pain really kicked in. He felt so hollow, and it made him angry to think he had hinged all his hopes and dreams on a _man_ , that he’d lost sight of himself when he’d been with Calum.

He wasn’t sure who he was anymore, unsure how life worked now that Ben and Sarah were gone, that Calum was a world away and Michael and Ashton were forging some sort of relationship that they were oddly cagey about explaining.

It made Luke ache with loneliness, made him want to go home and crawl into his childhood bed and have his mum tell him stories and promise him it would all be okay.

But there were too many responsibilities now; Ruby, work, his friends. He didn’t have the luxury of checking out for a few days while he got himself together, but if he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t sure if the problems were all that fixable.

He thought of the grief counselling that had been recommended, thought about opening himself up to a stranger to hopefully make sense of his broken psyche. It seemed unnatural, to hinge his hopes on a random stranger, in hopes he could be _fixed_.

He was texting Calum before he knew it, feeling monumentally stupid as he pressed _SEND_ , knowing that it was co-dependent and needy for him to contact his ex when he was feeling low.

_Friday night, rite?_

Luke smiled at the quick reply, curling up in his spot on the couch.

_Yes. You?_

_Thursday? Saturday? Working so hard @ practice/training I’m losing track of time_

_You love it tho, right?_

_J absolutely. How’s Rubes?_

_Good. Sleeping. Waiting for her to come down with the flu. It’s going around_

_I kno u didn’t text to talk about the flu. What’s up?_

Luke let out a sigh and debated on opening up. What right did he have to burden Calum anymore?

_c’mon lukey. It’s me_

Luke sighed, his fingers tapping out a quick response.

  _Miss u. feel lonely and stupid_

_ur not either of those things_

_feels like it. It’s so hard cal_

Luke tugged his long-sleeved shirt down over his hands, and used the fabric to dry his tears.

_I miss u to I’m finding it reall hard witout u_

_skype call sometime this weekend?_

_it’s a date_ _J_

Luke put his phone down, locking the device and sliding it onto the coffee table. He didn’t want to push it any further, he didn’t want to admit – even to himself – that he didn’t feel whole without Calum with him.

And it was crazy – absolutely irrationally stupid – to have lost sight in himself in all of this.

But he supposed that was the funny thing about grief – it was meant to destroy you, and tear you in two.

Luke just had to figure out how to put the two pieces back together again.

**

Luke knew that watching _The Notebook_ wouldn’t help. He’d known, even as he got up off the couch to get the strawberry cheesecake ice cream buried in the freezer and a spoon, and even as he tugged the soft throw rug over his feet, that he’d regret his decision completely.

But he’d been flipping through the channels for what felt like ten minutes before he landed on Noah and Allie’s story, and it had been a no-brainer. He couldn’t feel any _worse,_ right?

Wrong.

Luke had sobbed through the last half hour of the movie and had gone to bed with a headache. He’d left the half-eaten tub of ice cream in the living room with the TV still playing, and he hadn’t bothered to change into his pyjamas before falling face down into the pillows.

He’d crashed hard, dreaming of horrible text conversations with Calum and imagining the other man meeting someone new, someone he loved more than he’d loved Luke.

He hadn’t heard Ashton arrive home – hadn’t expected to see him until Saturday – but the older man found the sad picture in the living room of the rapidly melting ice-cream and discarded spoon, and a pile of used tissues littered over the couch and the rug.

Being a good friend, Ashton had investigated further, and Luke was only aware of his presence when the bed dipped.

“Luke?”

Luke groaned, his eyes pressed shut tightly against the pain of his headache, and he reached out a hand to grope across the sheets.

“Luke?”

Luke’s hand felt the solid muscle of Ashton’s thigh, and he let out a soft whimper as he slowly blinked his eyes open. “Ash?” he croaked.

“Jeez, Luke,” Ashton mumbled, reaching out to turn on the bedside lamp, flooding the room in a soft glow. “You’re not okay, are you?”

Luke wanted to laugh, to make a sarcastic comment that _no_ , clearly he _wasn’t_ okay.

“C’mon,” Ashton sighed, reaching out to tug at Luke’s arm. “Get into bed properly, yeah?”

Luke blinked and rolled over, his eyes grainy and sore from crying. He didn’t want Ashton to see him like that, not when he’d been faking it so well.

Ashton had a frown on his face as he tugged off Luke’s socks, and unbuttoned his skinny jeans, tugging them down and off roughly.

“You’re home,” Luke croaked out, not helping his friend in the slightest.

Ashton grunted, tugging and pulling at Luke to get him to cooperate, unbuttoning his shirt before peeling that off too.

“Thought you were with Michael,” Luke sighed, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes.

“We had a fight,” Ashton mumbled, fighting against Luke’s ineffectual movements to get him under the sheets in just his boxer briefs.

“No,” Luke sighed softly, rolling onto his side. “You can’t fight, you two are all I have left that true love exists.”

Ashton snorted. “Yeah well, maybe it doesn’t.”

Luke looked over his shoulder at Ashton, his brows knitted together in concern. “What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Ashton sighed tiredly, kicking off his shoes and peeled off his jacket before slumping down beside Luke. “What the hell did you do all night?”

“Just watched a movie,” Luke mumbled.

Ashton rolled his eyes. “You’ve had me fooled, Hemmings,” he said. “I thought you were doing well, but you didn’t hide the evidence in the living room. Ice cream and tissues? If it were tissues on their own, I’d assume you watched porn, but ice cream? What was it? Some fucking tear jerker?”

Luke pressed his face into his pillow. “You weren’t meant to be coming home.”

Ashton snorted. “Yeah, _that’s_ the thing we should focus on. Jesus, don’t insult me.”

Luke frowned, turning his head to look over at Ashton. He had a permanent frown on his face, and Luke crept his fingers towards him, pressing against his shoulder.

Ashton looked over at him. “You’re not okay, are you?”

Luke thought he’d have run out of tears by now. But they rushed to his eyes quickly, threatening to spill down his cheeks.

“Luke,” Ashton mumbled, rolling toward him, his fingers stroking over his cheekbone. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why have you been faking it?”

Luke sighed, leaning into the touch. “Because I can’t do this, Ash. I have a kid and a job to think about, I can’t be sad about my break up.”

“Says who?” Ashton asked. “There’s no rule book, Luke. There’s no allotted time period for grief or sadness.”

Luke moved closer, tucking his head under Ashton’s chin. “When’s it going to get easier?”

“It might not for a while,” Ashton mumbled. “But hiding it isn’t helping. I’m not going to judge you or tell you to get over it.”

Luke sighed. “I texted. I knew I was vulnerable and I texted him and it didn’t help and then _The Notebook_ was on and it just…snowballed,” he murmured.

Ashton kissed his forehead. “No more hiding, okay? Everyone is entitled to take care of their mental health.”

Luke lifted his head, propping his head up on his elbow, staring down at Ashton. “Will you sleep here tonight?”

Ashton smiled. “Sure. If you get the light.”

Luke rolled his eyes and rolled away to turn it off, and turned back to see Ashton unbuttoning his pants and sliding them off, throwing them off the edge of the bed.

“Share,” he said, grabbing a handful of the sheets.

Luke smiled and offered him the blankets, resting against the older man once he had settled.

“Go to sleep,” Ashton mumbled.

“What did you two fight about?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But what about your mental health?” Luke queried. “Everyone is entitled to take care of their mental health.”

Ashton sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. “I was only saying that for _you_.”

Luke traced a pattern over his chest, looking down at the older man. “Did you guys break up?”

Ashton opened his eyes, looking up at Luke. “No.”

Luke fell quiet and watched as Ashton shut his eyes. As comforted as he was by the older man’s presence, having someone beside him just made him miss Calum more. He collapsed back onto the pillows, letting a soft, hollow sigh.

“It’ll get better, Luke,” Ashton mumbled softly, finding Luke’s hand under the covers. “It’s not something that will last forever.”

Luke nodded and squeezed Ashton’s fingers, and wondered if there would ever be a day where he’d be okay about not being with Calum.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are giving me so much love! And I repay you by giving you heart wrenching chapters! I hope that despite the sadness, you all understand it! I don't like doing drama for drama's sake, but this story is much more sad than it is happy! That being said, nothing lasts forever, and you should never give up hope!
> 
> Thanks to everyone subscribing and recommending and leaving kudos! Special thanks to Coco_Decon, lukeisababe, Ashtxnirwins, rocketmail, asocialreader, thatfangirlingfreak, webqueen1, sarahrez1, honeycalum, horanswillie and Indigoimmy for their comments, you guys make all the writer's block worth it!
> 
> xoxo


	26. Chapter 26

Week three was easier.

It was physically impossible for Luke to think about Calum, let alone cry about him. The HSC was scheduled for October 12, and as the date loomed closer and closer, the more Luke panicked. He still had so many things he wanted to show his students, still wanted to make up for his absence earlier in the year.

It meant that he was getting home after dark, usually to his mother and whatever amazing meal she’d prepared for him and Ruby, and more often than not, he was making it home almost as the same time as Ashton, and they’d take ten minutes to talk about their day on the driveway before heading inside.

Despite the exhaustion and the long hours, Luke would spend as much time as he could playing with Ruby, trying to encourage her with her almost-there attempts at crawling. Her eyes were so bright as she giggled and rocked back on her hands and knees, almost teasing him with the anticipation of watching her reach another milestone.

Ashton would join them after his shower, rolling over on the carpet of the living room to make her laugh. It was a _family_ , and even though Ashton’s presence was temporary, Luke found it hard to feel all that lonely anymore.

He would hear from Calum every now and then, and they’d exchange a few text messages before one of them fell silent. As much as Luke still loved him, the distance between them seemed to grow every day, and it was feeling more and more like their friendship might not survive their break up.

“Honey?”

Luke blinked his eyes rapidly, focusing on his mother’s face.

She smiled, her hand coming to rest on his from across the kitchen bench.

“I’m sorry,” Luke sighed, managing a soft smile.

She patted his hand. “It’s understandable,” she assured him. “I did it for almost twenty-one years, remember.”

He smiled. He could remember his mother during her teaching career, so hands on and present in her student’s lives. Luke knew that there was some part of his dad that had been disappointed when he’d decided on a career in education – he’d been hopeful Luke would follow his older brothers into the construction business – but Liz had been proud.

She’d been the one to explain her teaching technique to him, who’d helped him develop one of his own.

“Three weeks until the HSC?” she asked, stirring the simmering chicken on the frypan over the stove.

Luke nodded, rubbing at his tired eyes as he leant his chin on his hand, elbow propped against the bench. “I still feel unprepared, but my kids are taking everything on board.”

“You’re a wonderful teacher, honey,” Liz assured him. “There’s no way those kids won’t remember everything you’ve taught them when they sit down to their exam paper.”

Luke smiled, looking down at his watch to see it was closing in on five pm, and Ruby was still down for her nap. Despite knowing he’d probably have a rough night with her if she slept any longer, he was hesitant to wake her.

“Is Ashton home tonight?” Liz asked, turning on the exhaust fan above the stove. “There’s more than enough.”

“I don’t think so,” Luke nodded. “I think he was taking Mikey out. You’re more than welcome to stay,” he offered.

“Oh, I’d love to,” Liz smiled, leaning against the bench. “But your father is starting to resent the fact I’m cooking for _you_ and not for _him_.”

Luke laughed. “I can just imagine that.”

Liz smiled. “He’s sick of toasted sandwiches. I’m not sure if he wants me home for my company, or my cooking skills.”

Luke smiled. “He’d be stupid not to want both.”

Liz laughed, setting the wooden spoon down. “Are you sure you’re alright if I go?”

Luke tried not to cringe, knowing that his decision to open up to his mother would bite him in the ass. It had been somewhere during the second week where he’d just been so emotionally down, and he’d confided in her, and she’d done exactly what he’d needed her to do – comfort him, support him, and tell him everything was going to be alright.

But since that day, she’d always ask if he was alright when she’d decide to go home. And while he appreciated the concern, he wished she would just _forget_ his moment of honesty. He felt trapped by it, and held back.

“I’m am one hundred percent alright,” he told her, standing up from his seat at the bench. “It’s Friday and I’m tired and I just want to spend time with Ruby.”

His mother raised her brow.

“Mum,” Luke laughed softly. “Honestly, I’m alright. I’m fine.”

She pursed her lips, and for a moment, Luke thought she’d push him a little further. But then she nodded, reaching behind herself to undo the tie to her apron – she’d bought it from home after Luke had spent too much time wondering if she’d found it in his linen closet, and just _how_ in the hell it had gotten there – and eased the cotton off, setting it on the counter.

“Stir the chicken in ten, and serve once the sauce has reduced,” she told him.

He rounded the bench to pull her into a hug, towering over her and resting his chin on the top of her head.

Her arms slid around him, rubbing comfortingly against his back (he knew she didn’t believe his insistent assurances) and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

“Alright, Lukey,” she mumbled, releasing him from her grip. “I’ll go home and feed your father.”

He laughed softly. “Give yourself a break and take him home some Macca’s,” he advised.

Liz snorted, picking up her purse from where it sat on the bench. “Like he hasn’t been living on that for weeks. He says toasted sandwiches, but he’s too lazy to run the Macca’s paper bag out to the bin.”

Luke laughed, and heard the baby monitor crackle to life with Ruby’s soft cry. “Looks like she wants to say goodbye.”

He walked out of the kitchen and down the hall to her room, knocking softly before opening the door.

“Does someone want to say goodbye to Nanna?” he asked, and watched as Ruby saw him, recognized him, and grinned widely.

She extended her arms toward him, and he lifted her easily, pressing soft kisses to her cheeks.

“Oh, I missed you so much,” he murmured, as her hands tugged at his hair. “Come on, nappy change and say goodbye to Nanna.”

He changed her nappy, singing her favourite song – _Steal My Girl_ by One Direction – and scooped her up to dance down the hall to his waiting mother.

“You’re up!” Liz grinned, stirring the pan on the stove as she spotted her granddaughter.

Ruby laughed, her smile so wide as she looked from Luke to Liz, her hands reaching out towards her grandmother.

“One last hug,” she acquiesced, lifting her from Luke’s arms. “Then your daddy is going to send me home.”

Luke rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched Ruby in her arms.

Her cheeks were still red from sleep, her soft blonde curls matted on one side. He couldn’t believe how much she was changing from week to week. He wasn’t looking forward to losing his baby, and it seemed like she was becoming more independent every day.

“Kiss?” Liz asked, pointing to her lips.

Ruby grinned, looking to Luke before surging forward, smacking her mouth gently to Liz’s lips.

Luke laughed. “That’s new!”

Liz smiled, discreetly wiping the baby drool from her mouth. “We’ve been learning that for a little while now,” she divulged. “We’re learning lots of things, aren’t we princess?”

“Just not how to crawl, or say daddy,” Luke teased.

The word still didn’t sound right. Luke hadn’t said it again since the first time, up until a week after Calum had left. He was still battling against his emotions, and his patience had worn thin. Ruby had been crying, and he’d begged her with such exasperation one night; _c’mon, Ruby. Just let daddy sleep!_

He knew it probably wouldn’t ever feel right, but he was starting to realize that Ben wasn’t coming back.

It was a tough realization, but he didn’t have the luxury of burying his head in the sand anymore. Ruby was growing up and depending on him to teach her how to walk and talk and read and write and _learn_ , and he couldn’t do that if he was still holding onto a fool’s hope that Ben would be back someday.

He was a father, had been for five months, and it was time to start acting like one.

“She’ll do all those things when the time is right,” Liz insisted with a smile. “And the moment it _does_ start happening, you’ll wish for these days back, trust me.”

Her smile held nostalgia, and Luke knew she was stuck in the past, thinking of either him or Ben or Jack and the moment she realized they were growing up.

It was the same sort of thoughts that plagued Luke. Would Ruby always need him? Would she always come to him with problems? Her first kiss? First time? He wanted to be the kind of parent his mother was, he wanted her to trust him and believe that he’d always be there for her.

“Okay, take your baby,” Liz smiled. “I need to get home before your father thinks I’ve moved in here.”

Luke pressed a kiss to her cheek and walked her to the door, Ruby sat happily in his arms. They waved goodbye before Luke remembered their dinner, setting Ruby down on her play mat in the living room before checking on the progress of their meal.

It smelled amazing, and had been Luke’s favourite growing up – honey mustard chicken with rice – and looked forward to sitting down to a bowl of it.

He stirred it, checking on the rice and draining it in the sink before he set aside a small pile to cool on Ruby’s rabbit plate, before stirring the chicken once more.

He buzzed around the kitchen, getting himself a plate and made up Ruby’s dinner – leftover chicken pie his mum had made the night before – and popped the plate on the tray of her high chair before fixing his own plate.

“Okay, Ruby girl,” he called, wiping his damp hands on a tea towel before stepping out of the kitchen. “Ready for dinner?”

He stopped short, halfway between the kitchen and living room. He felt a little sick, looking at the scene before him.

Ruby’s play mat was empty, her toys laid all over it, and Ruby sat proudly – a rattle in her hand – on the wooden floor, almost ten feet away from where he’d sat her down.

“What did you do?” he questioned in a rush, scooping her up and tickling her sides. “Did you crawl? Did you crawl and I _missed_ it?”

Ruby giggled, scrunching up her nose.

“Oh my God,” Luke breathed softly, pressing his nose against her cheek. “Don’t grow up too fast,” he begged her in a whisper. “Please don’t do that to me.”

Her hands tugged at his hair, pressing a sloppy kiss against his jaw.

He sucked in a breath, closing his teeth over his lip ring and wanted to call Calum. He wanted to share his joy and irrational fears with someone, and he had to pull himself out of the tempting self-destruction he knew would follow if he thought about the other man for too long.

Instead of losing it, he broke himself out of it, and put Ruby into her highchair, and sat down next to her to have dinner.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on a posting high! If any of you are Muke shippers (or if you like my stuff) I've been posting A LOT lately! But, I do have another Cake story coming soon, so keep your eyes peeled!
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading/subscribing/leaving kudos! It means the world! Special thanks to Coco_Decon, asocialreader, thominhoplease, laurie2629, leigh, honeycalum and horanswillie for their awesome comments!
> 
> xoxo


	27. Chapter 27

“You’ve seriously got to relax.”

Luke let out a slow, shaky breath, trying to do what he was told, but failing miserably.

“Luke,” Ashton laughed softly, taking a sip from his beer. “What’s going on?”

Luke hadn’t heard from Calum in almost three weeks, before a rushed voicemail was left on his skype account. He wasn’t even sure why he was logging into skype, knowing that Calum wouldn’t be online, that his desperate hopes to see the other man’s face would be dashed almost immediately.

But there had been a tiny notification of a voice message, and he’d clicked on it quickly before Calum’s voice was filling his ears.

_“Hey. I know it’s been a while, I’m training my ass off. Just wanted to give you a heads up that I’m playing Sunday – which I think is Saturday night your time – and it’s being televised. Only took me two months to get on TV, hey?”_

It cut out after that, and Luke replayed it almost twelve times before bursting in on Ashton in the shower, and made the other man turn off the water so he could listen to the message.

Ever since, Luke felt like he was on the edge of hysteria, nervous laughter bubbling up in his throat whenever he thought about it, feeling pride and excitement course through him at the idea of seeing Calum work his magic on the field, on _TV_.

“I’m just so excited,” Luke smiled widely, tipping the bag of doritos in his hand into a bowl. “He’s on TV and he’s really made it, and I can’t wait to see him.”

Ashton smiled, helping Luke open the jar of salsa to pair with the chips. “Just don’t get too worked up,” he teased.

Luke rolled his eyes. “Oh please. I’ve missed him, and I know he’s busy and this is like getting to see him without having to have an awkward conversation.”

Ashton laughed as a knock sounded on the door. “That’s Mikey. You get the beer and the chips, and I’ll make sure he’s prepared to hear you squeal all night.”

Luke rolled his eyes, his cheeks going pink at the idea. It was no secret between them that Luke’s sadness over his break up had morphed slightly, and while he wasn’t self-destructing every five minutes, he was desperately trying to be okay with what had happened.

It didn’t mean there weren’t a few occasions when he cried in the shower, but he figured that his heart would heal, in time.

“Hey Luke!”

“Hi!” Luke called out to Michael, loading the bowl of chips and six beers onto a tray, meeting his friends on the way to the living room.

“Excited?” Michael teased wryly, stepping over Ruby who was sitting happily on her play mat, gnawing on a toy.

Luke set the tray down on the coffee table, and gave Michael’s shoulder a playful shove. “What do _you_ think?”

Michael grinned. “I think Cal Pal is going to have one very passionate fan tuning in.”

Luke rolled his eyes, sitting down on the couch and picked up a beer, taking a sip as he double checked that the game was going to record. So what if he maybe wanted to watch it again at some point?

“I missed you.”

Luke looked over at Ashton’s soft utterance, watching as the older man leant in to brush a kiss to Michael’s lips. It made him feel a little sick, the jealously rolling through him in waves, especially when Michael’s cheeks went pink and his hand slid up Ashton’s thigh.

“Guys,” Luke said, clearing his throat. “I think they’re going to run through the team now.”

He turned his attention back to the TV, taking another long sip from his beer as the opposing team was named, and he tried not to let his jealousy take the wind out of his sails.

He was _happy_ for Michael and Ashton, honestly. He was happy that whatever they had going was making them both make stupid, smiley faces at each other, but to see it up close _hurt_. It was what he assumed he’d been like with Calum.

“Holy shit!”

Luke jumped a little, almost spilling his beer. “What?”

“Your baby is crawling!” Michael shouted.

The volume of his voice interrupted Ruby’s slow, wobbly movements as she inched off her play mat, and she sat down on her bottom and looked at him with uncertainty.

Luke laughed, watching as she looked to him for guidance, and he waved his fingers at her. “She started last week, officially,” he said. “She’s slow going, but once she’s focused on something she wants, off she goes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Michael asked, slapping Ashton’s arm gently. “This is big news. Our baby crawled.”

“ _Our_ baby?” Ashton smirked. “Didn’t know we were parents.”

“Oh come on,” Michael scoffed. “She’s practically all of ours. You, me, Luke and Cal.”

Luke’s smile faltered, and watched as Ruby got onto her hands and knees to crawl shakily over the carpet to him.

“I guess I forgot to mention it,” Ashton smiled. “But it’s cool, yeah?”

“Very,” Michael nodded, watching as Luke picked her up and settled her on his lap.

Luke smiled at her, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to see the expression didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“They’re naming the Aussie team!”

Luke’s eyes snapped back to the TV at Ashton’s announcement, biting down on his lip ring nervously. He didn’t recognize any of the names, and the longer the team list got, there was the fear that maybe Calum wasn’t included, or maybe he’d got the days mixed up or Calum had – God forbid – battled with his knee during practice.

“Calum Hood!” Michael yelled, pointing at the TV.

Luke’s breath caught in his throat as he saw Calum’s smiling face at the bottom of the screen, next to his jersey number. His grin was wide, his eyes crinkling, and he looked so much _older_ , but in the best way. He looked happy and accomplished and Luke _missed_ him, more than he thought he did.

“Calum!” Michael shouted again as the screen shifted to name the next person. “That’s Calum! That’s our friend!”

Ashton laughed, patting Michael’s arm. “Yes, dear. That’s Calum.”

“Mum!”

Luke frowned, looking down at Ruby who was still sitting on his lap, her eyes on the TV.

“Did she just say mum?” Michael questioned.

Ruby bounced on his thighs, hand still clutched around the stuffed toy in her hand. “Mum!”

“Holy shit,” Ashton breathed softly.

Luke frowned.

“Why would she be saying mum?” Michael questioned. “I mean, could she remember back to…Sarah?”

“No,” Luke mumbled softly. “Well, I don’t think so. She was six weeks old, there’s no way she could remember it.”

“Luke, rewind the game.”

Luke frowned, looking over at Ashton and back at the screen, where a curvy brunette was mounting a small platform to sing the national anthem.

“Just rewind it,” Ashton insisted.

Luke picked up the remote and hit the rewind button, watching as everything occurred backwards quickly.

“Stop! There!” Ashton insisted.

Luke hit play, and watched as Calum’s face flashed on the screen once again.

“Mum!”

“Holy shit!” Michael laughed. “She thinks Cal is her mum?”

Luke’s eyes found Ashton’s, and they shared a quick, heartbreaking look.

“Mikey,” Ashton mumbled.

“How funny is that?” Michael laughed, unable to sense the softness in the older man’s speech.

“She’s not saying mum,” Luke said softly, looking away from the TV. “She’s saying _lum_. As in Ca- _lum_.”

The smile slipped from Michael’s face as the reality of the words crashed down onto his shoulders. “Oh shit, I’m sor-“

“It’s fine,” Luke said quickly. “It’s alright.”

“Luke…”

Luke pasted a smile on his face and stood up. “It’s fine, Ash. Just going to go to the bathroom.”

He deposited Ruby on her play mat, and ignored Ashton’s second attempt of talking to him as he left the room, hurrying down the hall and into the bathroom.

He shut the door and sagged against it, hiccupping out a soft sob.

“Luke?”

“Please,” Luke begged in a soft whisper, hoping Ashton could hear him through the door. “Just a minute.”

Ashton jiggled the door handle, and opened it a crack. “I’m coming in.”

Luke stepped away from the door, leaning up against the towel rack, eyes on the floor tiles as Ashton’s bare feet came into view.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly.

“No,” Luke whispered, hands tucked behind his back where he stood. “It was her first word.”

“I know,” Ashton mumbled, reaching out to pull at Luke’s shirt. “I’m sorry.”

Luke snorted softly, reaching up to run a fingertip below his eye. “Don’t be. I should’ve known, you know? He’d been saying Ca _LUM_ to her since she was six weeks old. It makes sense that his name is her first word.”

“Don’t be all strong about it, Luke,” Ashton sighed, stepping closer to him. “It’s okay to be absolutely wrecked about it.”

Luke hiccupped again and surged forward into Ashton’s strong chest, wrapping his arms around his neck. “I can’t _do_ this anymore,” he sobbed. “I can’t keep finally finding my feet, only to be knocked on my ass again.”

“I know,” Ashton soothed, rubbing his back slowly. “I’m so sorry, Lukey.”

“I want it to be over,” he said angrily. “I don’t want to love him anymore, and I don’t want to keep feeling like I’m being run over by a truck every time I hear his name! And now my daughter is saying it!”

Ashton squeezed him gently, one hand cupping the back of Luke’s head. “It’ll get better,” he eased. “You have to give it time, that’s all you can do.”

Luke let go of him, wiping away his angry tears. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and he sighed, shoulders sagging. “I should go check on her. I sort of dumped her and ran.”

“She’s fine,” Ashton told him. “She’s with Mikey.”

“Thus one of the main reasons I should check,” Luke said wryly.

Ashton smiled. “Hey, be nice. He feels like crap for making a big deal out of all this.”

“I know,” Luke sighed, pulling off a few squares of toilet paper to wipe at his eyes. “I think I’m going to grade a few papers, while you guys watch the game. I’m just not…I’m not ready, I guess.”

Ashton took his hand, giving it a squeeze. “All the more reason to watch,” he advised. “It’s never going to get better if you bury your head in the sand.”

“Maybe,” Luke admitted. “I don’t want to sit there and pretend I’m into it.”

“You think Mikey and I are into it anymore? At the very least we can sit there and hope Calum takes a dive – albeit a gentle one.”

Luke smiled. “As much as I appreciate the sentiment, it’s not his fault his name was Ruby’s first word. It just reinforces the fact that he made a bigger impact in her life than I thought.”

Ashton pulled him in again, squeezing him gently. “Come, sit with us,” he mumbled.

Luke nodded, not pulling away from the embrace for a moment. “Don’t tell him, okay? Calum, I mean. I just feel like it’d be guilt tripping him, like a _ha ha you left us and she said your name_ or something.”

Ashton nodded and released him. “You got it. Now, beer, chips and a game none of us really understand?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's reading and loving this story, and special thanks to Coco_Decon, sarahrez1, asocialreader, UltimateOptimist, honeycalum & horanswillie for their awesome comments!
> 
> xoxo


	28. Chapter 28

_Lum. Lum, Lum, Lum._

The three letter word was so simple, but held so much power over Luke’s heart that he almost felt sick whenever he heard Ruby say it. It had been going on for two weeks now, her crawling around the living room and pointing at the coffee table and the couch, calling them both _Lum._

Luke did what every person did when they went through a rough break up and wasn’t able to move on all that quickly – he grew a beard.

It wasn’t all that impressive, but the coarse, dirty blonde hair on his jaw made him feel different, made him _look_ different. He loved dragging his knuckles over his chin, and looking at himself in the mirror.

He wasn’t the same person Calum had left, and even though it was just facial hair, it bought Luke some comfort.

He just had to _try_ harder to be okay. Ruby wasn’t going to stop saying his name, and there wouldn’t be a day where Luke didn’t wake up thinking about him. But there was no point in wallowing, no point on wasting his time trying to change something that couldn’t be changed.

Ashton seemed to embrace the changes, his eyes holding his hesitancy well, almost as if he was waiting for Luke to do a one-eighty and fall back into despair, but he’d been mostly okay for almost two weeks.

And when it had reached Friday afternoon and he was tired and staying back at school to grade a few last minute HSC practice tests, the pretty brunette from the science department poked her head into the room to ask him if he’d like to join a few of the other teachers for a drink at a local bar.

And Luke had said yes, unable to believe the word had come from his lips until she smiled with satisfaction and said _see you at five-thirty_ and disappeared from his doorway.

He was still perplexed as he called Ashton to ask if he’d mind watching Ruby, and after receiving a very passionate _yes_ from him, he’d called his mum to ask her to stay until Ashton arrived home.

He was still in a state of confusion even as he graded the last three tests on his desk, and shuffled everything into his messenger bag before shutting his classroom and headed for the parking lot. He drove with the radio on low, easing into a parking spot in front of the bar before checking the time.

Quarter past five.

He contemplated sitting in his car and waiting for a few of his colleagues to show up, but figured that was a little too pathetic. Instead, he headed inside and ordered a beer, sitting at the counter and pretending he belonged there.

**

Luke was _drunk_.

Fall down, high-pitched giggling drunk.

The last of his colleagues had left sometime around eight, and Luke had inserted himself into a private group of uni guys and girls who were more than entertaining, and more than happy to buy him vodka shots.

He felt loose, like his head was too heavy for his body, and his mind blissfully empty. It was such a strange, foreign feeling, after carrying around the pressure of parenthood and grief and _break ups_ for what felt like forever.

It was somewhere near midnight, and Luke stood up from his seat and pitched forward into the arms of one of the uni guys, his hands cupping Luke’s ribcage to hold him up.

“Whoops!” Luke giggled, wishing he could stop the embarrassing sound from spilling out of his mouth.

“I’ve got you,” the guy grinned, showing off perfectly straight, white teeth.

Luke smiled, taller than the other guy by at least five inches, but for some reason, he felt small and helpless. “Guess I’ve had a little too much.”

The guy smirked. “Looks like. Can I get you a water?”

Luke realized he was still way too close to the stranger, but his limbs were too heavy to move. “That would probably be wise.”

His hand moved down Luke’s side, and curled around to slide against his lower back. “I think it’d be a good decision if you came with me to the bar. Considering if I take a step you’re going to fall ass over head.”

Luke laughed, his hand landing the man’s bicep. “That’s true. Handsome _and_ observant.”

A light blush spread over the man’s cheeks. “And you’re handsome _and_ wasted.”

They started moving and Luke tripped over his feet, the stranger’s hands holding onto him tightly as they weaved through the busy Friday night crowd. The loud music was echoing in his head, and he felt a tiny bit nauseous. He thought of Ashton, and Ruby, and that always lead to thoughts of Calum.

“You good?”

Luke blinked over at the guy, noticing they were at the bar and Luke was propped up against the solid wood support.

“Water?” the guy repeated.

“Oh,” Luke mumbled. “I might pass. I should get going.”

“Oh come on,” the guy chided. “I thought we were just getting to know each other.”

Luke smiled. “Trust me, you’re better off if I leave now.”

“I disagree,” he smiled. “Why don’t I get you that water and we chat?”

Luke eased his phone out of his pocket to see the time, and he sobered up. “I can’t. I have to get home to my daughter.”

“Daughter?”

Luke looked over at the surprised look on the other man’s face. And it said everything that Luke had been avoiding ever since he had his first drink.

He was running away; from Ruby, Calum, his responsibilities, _everything_. He was trying to recapture something that had been lost for years, and the guilt that it caused him made him feel even worse.

“I have to go,” he murmured softly, his hands shaking.

“I can walk you out, make sure you get a cab?”

Luke shook his head. “No, that’s okay. Thank you, though.”

The guy smiled. “Anytime.”

Luke fought his way out of the bar, sucking in a few deep breaths of the cool night air. There were three cabs lined up on the street, and he knew he’d need one to get home, but he knew he had to make a phone call first.

He scrolled through his contacts on his phone and selected the name of the person he was after, and pressed the device to his ear.

It rang five times before the person on the other end of the line picked up.

“Hello?” they asked sleepily.

Luke bit at his lip ring momentarily, and then unleashed. “Hi,” he said flatly. “It’s me. Look, I know we haven’t talked in a while, and I really don’t want to talk to you, if I’m being honest. Because I’m just mad now, alright? I’m mad at you and at Ben and Sarah and I’m mad at myself because I have let you _ruin_ me, and now I’m not the same person and I _hate_ that. I hate _you_.”

“Luke?”

Luke scoffed. “Who else do you think it would be?”

“Luke, Jesus.”

Luke heard rustling, and he felt the liquid courage pumping through his veins.

“Where are you?”

“It’s none of your business,” he said haughtily.

“You’re drunk, right? Which bar are you at, I’ll call you a cab.”

“Calum,” Luke insisted angrily. “You can’t just _call me a cab_ from Brazil.”

“Jesus Christ, Luke. It’s _Ashton_.”

Luke pulled the phone away from his ear to look at the screen, the letters swimming in front of his eyes. He put the phone back to his ear. “Ashton?”

“Yes,” Ashton hissed angrily. “Jesus, you were trying to call _Cal_ and tell him you hate him?”

“Well,” Luke began, feeling some of his courage deflate. “I…didn’t know I’d say what I said.”

“Where are you, I’m calling you a cab.”

“I’ve got a cab,” Luke snapped. “I’ll be home soon.”

“Don’t you call Calum,” Ashton insisted. “If you call him and say anything like what you said to me, I will kick your ass, drunk or not.”

Luke pouted, feeling like a scolded child. “Fine.”

“I’m hanging up because I’m pissed off at you,” Ashton insisted. “Get home in one piece, for the love of God.”

Luke stumbled in the direction of the taxis after Ashton hung up on him, sliding into the backseat to nurse his broken heart.

**

“Ashton?” Luke whispered softly, pushing open the door to his friend’s dark bedroom, making out his shape under the covers.

“I’m still pissed off at you,” came Ashton’s flat reply. “Go to bed.”

“Can I sleep in here?” Luke asked, entering the bedroom and left the door cracked, kicking off his shoes as he started to unbutton his shirt.

“You’re not going to leave even if I say no, are you?”

Luke flopped down heavily in the space beside Ashton, struggling to unbutton and unzip his skinny jeans and tugged them off, wriggling around the bed until he was facing Ashton in the dark.

“What were you thinking?” Ashton asked softly.

Luke tucked a stray curl behind Ashton’s ear, moving closer. “I wasn’t,” he mumbled. “I was mad.”

“And now?” Ashton asked. “What are you now?”

Luke felt his bottom lip tremble. “I’m pathetic, now.”

Ashton sighed. “Luke…”

“I’ll be better, I’ll do better.”

“I don’t want you to be better,” Ashton said softly. “I want you to stop self-destructing. You can’t go out and get wasted to forget about your problems.”

“I know.”

“You’ve got to draw the line, Luke. Fuck Calum, he’s gone. You need to take care of you and Ruby.”

Luke leant forward, his nose pressing against Ashton’s, his lips dragging softly over his bottom lip.

“Luke,” Ashton mumbled, pushing him away. “We’re not doing this.”

Luke tried again, managing to catch Ashton’s lips in a soft kiss.

“Stop,” Ashton demanded, giving his shoulder a sharp shove. “Jesus Christ, are you fucking serious?”

Luke’s lips tingled where Ashton’s had touched, and he felt like the room was spinning around him.

“What about _Michael_ , Luke? You’re kissing me when I’m with him? When you know how much I love him?”

“I’m sorry,” Luke whispered, rolling onto his back.

“Sorry isn’t good enough,” Ashton demanded, running a hand through his hair. “I get that you’re upset, but kissing me isn’t going to solve anything, it’s only going to make it worse.”

Luke felt his stomach lurch, and he groaned softly.

“Go back to your room,” Ashton demanded, rolling away from Luke.

Luke inched off the bed, falling to his knees heavily as he felt his stomach roll. He managed to find his feet and staggered out of Ashton’s room and down the hall to the bathroom. He crouched in front of the toilet, his eyes squeezing shut as he gagged and threw up noisily, his head aching with the exertion.

“Shit,” Ashton mumbled, having followed Luke and crouched beside him, rubbing his back. “How much did you drink?”

Luke groaned, his shoulders heaving as he dry reached, wiping his hand on the back of his arm. “Too much,” he mumbled.

Ashton pulled a few squares of toilet paper off and wet them in the sink, patting down Luke’s brow. “You’re messed up,” he sighed. “And it has to stop. It’s been three months, and you have to move on, Luke.”

“I bet that’s why Calum hasn’t called,” Luke sighed tiredly. “He’s met someone else and he’s in love and they’ll get married and have kids.”

“I seriously doubt that,” Ashton told him, reaching up to flush the toilet. “But he might meet someone, okay? Either now or in the future and if there is _any_ hope of you guys being friends again, you have to _accept_ that and move on.”

Luke sighed. “I know.”

“Do you?” Ashton asked. “Because you’re running yourself into the ground and doing shit that is so un-Luke of you.”

Luke blinked and looked over at Ashton, shirtless and wearing boxer briefs, a worried look on his face. “I’m sorry I kissed you. That wasn’t right.”

Ashton sighed. “Tell me about it. I’m going to have to tell Michael, you know that right?”

Luke groaned and felt sick all over again. “He’ll hate me. He’ll hit me.”

“You _kissed_ his boyfriend, of course he’s going to be pissed.”

Luke raised a brow. “Boyfriend, huh?”

“Shut up,” Ashton frowned. “Can you please finish bringing up all the vodka you drank so I can put you to bed and get some sleep myself?”

“Can I sleep in your bed?”

Ashton rolled his eyes. “Only if you brush your teeth and promise not to kiss me again.”

Luke promised and hauled himself up onto his feet, brushing his teeth before letting Ashton steer him back to bed. He curled up on his side, tucking his knees to his chest and gave way to his exhaustion, but managed to feel the soft kiss Ashton pressed to his forehead before he fell asleep.

**

“You kissed Ashton?!”

Luke groaned, opening his eyes slowly and closing them again when the bright light streaming in through the window made him feel like he’d stared too long at the sun.

“Hey, wake up!”

Luke felt the solid kick to the mattress and opened his eyes again, looking up at the angry expression on Michael’s face.

“Well?” he demanded, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Sorry,” Ashton said from the doorway, holding Ruby in his arms. “I tried to get him to wait until you woke up, but…”

“He’s Michael,” Luke finished tiredly, hands raising to press against the side of his head. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I was really drunk and made a lot of bad choices last night.”

“Damn right you did,” Michael snorted. “You don’t just _kiss_ a guy who has a boyfriend.”

“We’re using the ‘B’ word?” Ashton asked.

Michael threw him a dirty look. “This isn’t about you.”

“On the contrary,” Ashton grinned. “This is _all_ about me.”

Michael rolled his eyes, turning his attention back to Luke. “Lips off, man. Got it?”

“Got it,” Luke repeated, looking over at Ruby. She waved her hand at him and he smiled.

“But,” Michael said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “He’s a good kisser, right?”

Ashton groaned.

Luke grinned. “He didn’t really kiss me back.”

“Oh,” Michael said, pursing his lips, looking over at Ashton. “Good.”

Luke nudged Michael’s thigh with his toe. “You’ve got nothing to worry about, Mikey. He’s completely in love.”

Michael’s cheeks coloured and he stood up quickly. “Right, good. Alright, I’m going to make coffee,” he said quickly, edging out of the room past Ashton and Ruby.

“What’d I say?” Luke asked, sitting up slowly, reaching his hands out for the baby.

Ashton stepped further into the room and handed Ruby to him. “Don’t say the ‘L’ word, okay? We’re not there yet. Well, _he’s_ not there yet.”

“Oh,” Luke nodded, pressing a kiss to Ruby’s forehead. “But you guys are together, right?”

Ashton shrugged his shoulder. “He got crazy mad when I told him you kissed me, so that counts for something, right?”

Luke’s head was pounding, and it was the reminder he needed that things had to change. “I’m still really sorry about that,” he admitted. “For the phone call, too. For last night, actually.”

Ashton sat down beside him. “You can see that things need to change, right?”

Luke nodded gently. “I do. It won’t happen again, and I promise that I’ll start trying to move on.”

“Good,” Ashton smiled. “Now, are you okay if I take Mikey out for lunch? I have a feeling he’s going to hold this kiss against me for a while.”

“Sure,” Luke nodded. “I might grab a quick shower before you go? And let me pay for lunch, okay? It’s the least I can do.”

Ashton leant over and kissed his cheek. “Time to forget him, okay? Time for you and Ruby to start your lives together and everything else will fall into place.”

Luke slid his arm around Ashton and gave him a gentle hug. “Thank you, for everything. You’ve helped so much.”

Ashton kissed his cheek again. “Just take care of yourself, that’s all I want.”

Luke nodded, and promised he would, and hoped that it was a promise he could keep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me for ruining Luke like I am! I didn't realize just how brutal I was being until I started rereading these chapters! I swear, it's all for a reason (mostly because it feels like real life; brutal, desperate, horrible) and I hope that by the end of this, you guys don't hate me too much!
> 
> But, I had to throw this little Lashton bit in, and I hope everyone is as in love with jealous Michael as I am! Love seeing that emotionally closed book open up once in a while! ;)
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is reading/subscribing and leaving kudos! Special thanks to KellyWoods, asocialreader, Coco_Decon, leigh, rocketmail, sarahrez1 & horanswillie for their awesome comments!
> 
> xoxo


	29. Chapter 29

“You’re doing better.”

Luke looked up from his mug of coffee, taking a greedy gulp of the hot beverage as his mother looked him over. He wasn’t sure what to make of her comment, unsure of when he was doing _less_ than better.

“The past few weeks,” she supplied, handing Ruby a vegemite toast finger.

Luke smiled, setting his mug down to pick up his own piece of toast, taking a bite out of the corner. “Thanks?” he said through his mouthful.

She looked disapprovingly at him, and rolled her eyes. “I take it back.”

He laughed.

She smiled, lifting her mug of tea to take a sip. “Have you spoken to Calum?”

The smile used to slip off his face at the mention of the other man’s name. He could remember how it felt to hear it, like someone had pressed a gun against his chest and fired a bullet through his heart. It used to ache in the worst way, and while there was still a little bit of residual pain, he was so _done_ with falling apart at the sound of his name.

“No,” he admitted, setting his mug down beside his plate. “Not for a month or so now.”

Liz nodded. “And you’re…”

Luke smiled. “I’m okay,” he nodded. “Michael said his trip was extended, they talk pretty regularly, and he’s probably going to stay through Christmas.”

“Oh, Joy’s heart will break,” Liz smiled.

“I know,” Luke said ruefully. “I promised to take Ruby over, and I think Mali is home this year.”

Liz nodded. “I’m proud of you, Lukey.”

She said that a lot, now. Little things like _you’re a wonderful father_ and _such an amazing teacher_ , and the compliments were nice. He could see how much she got out of saying them, because there would always be a moment when the light in her eyes would dim, and he knew that she was thinking of Ben.

And that was something Luke did a lot, lately.

He supposed in order to let go of Calum, he’d have to let go of Ben, too.

The idea was impossible, and there was a part of his heart that couldn’t take it. But every day that he woke up, and he was a father to Ruby, he was losing a tiny piece of his brother that he desperately wanted to hang on to.

And maybe that was his downfall. He was holding onto the past too tight, trying to use the tatters that were left to keep him warm, and it just wasn’t doing the job. Ben was gone; and had been for almost ten months.

“Are you still okay to watch Ruby for an extra hour this afternoon?” Luke asked his mother, checking his watch for the time. He still had another ten minutes before he had to leave for work.

“Of course,” Liz nodded, handing another toast finger to Ruby, who had vegemite all over her face, and toast crumbs in her hair.

Luke laughed at her, and she grinned, showing off her two top teeth. “I just have to make a stop after work.”

It was something he’d been thinking about for a while. As his texts to Calum went unanswered, and he realized that Ashton couldn’t live with him forever, he knew he had to change _something_.

Originally it had been something superficial, like maybe getting his nose pierced, but he already felt out of place at playgroup, among all the mothers who didn’t understand his situation, or made assumptions because of his lip ring.

He only went because Ruby _loved_ it, crawling around after the other babies and giggling her head off when they sang songs. Despite how out of place _he_ felt, she was flourishing. He knew that it would only be a matter of days before she was saying _dada_ , because he felt fucking _ridiculous_ , saying the word a thousand times a day in the hopes she’d pick up what he was putting down.

 _Lum_ was still her favourite word, and she was power crawling all around the house. She had soft blonde curls that curled around her ears, and the brightest, clearest blue eyes. Sometimes Luke honestly forgot he wasn’t her biological father, when he looked at her and saw so much of himself in her.

Maybe that was why he’d come to the decision to let go.

He knew he’d always carry his grief in his heart at losing Ben and Sarah. Nothing would ever erase the impact it had made on his life, and he would always wear the pain in his heart, but it had strengthened him.

Changed him irrevocably, but strengthened, too.

He could only hope that when it came time to let go, he could.

**

“Well this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

Despite the warm spring day, Luke shivered. He wasn’t sure if it was the low breeze that stirred the leaves on the trees, or because he was where he’d stood ten months ago, tears running down his face.

He felt guilt running through him, at the idea that he’d neglected to visit Ben and Sarah, despite having a beautiful garden to sit beside, a plaque to run his fingers over. He’d crumbled to the ground upon his arrival, heavily breathing through his desperate need to have a panic attack, his eyes filling with tears.

It was a complete slap in the face to see Ben’s name on the small plaque, Sarah’s on the one beside his. It was a tangible reminder that they were _gone_ , and Luke knew that that was the reason he’d never visited the memorial garden.

He’d never been strong enough to see it, the reminder that they really were gone. But he had to remind himself that moving on was what he wanted the most, and that meant facing his fears.

“I miss you,” he whispered, setting the bouquet of yellow tulips beside him on the grass, picking a few leaves out of the garden before tracing Ben’s name with his index finger. “I’m sorry I’ve never come to visit you.”

It was eerily quiet in the garden, but it wasn’t as hollow and sad as he thought it’d be. He’d never been the biggest fan of cemeteries – he didn’t know anyone who _was_ – but instead of feeling sick to his stomach, there was a weight that had been lifted from his shoulders.

“I don’t know if I should launch right into it,” he admitted with a sigh, swiping his fingers over Sarah’s plaque. “Because there is so much to say, and I’m pretty sure there’s not enough time in the world to say them.”

He’d thought about it all day, what he would say to them both. The apologies and unsaid thoughts and the hours he’d spent cursing them both. He’d run the entire gauntlet of emotions, and he wasn’t proud of some of them, but if he ever had a chance to move on, he’d have to try.

“I’ll start with the obvious,” he said softly. “Ruby,” he smiled, shaking his head. “Ben, my daught – uh, _your_ …” Luke bit down on his lip ring, closing his eyes for a second. “ _Our_ daughter is perfect,” he finally whispered.

He bought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs. “She’s incredible, and she surprises me every day. She has our eyes,” he grinned. “Sorry, Sar, but she’s a Hemmings through and through. She does have your laugh though, I’ve noticed. That little tinkling sound Ben always gave you shit for.

She’s ten months old now, and she’s crawling like a mad woman. I’ve baby proofed the house, but I swear she’s smarter than me and always manages to find something to chew on. She’s talking a little bit – baby, ball, stuff like that. She’s not giving ‘dada’ a go yet, and I’m _pissed_.”

He paused, his smile faltering for a moment. “Her first word was _lum_ , and that’s no bullshit. Calum had been the most incredible force in her life, and it made sense that his name was her first. He, uh. Things with him didn’t last, and we’ve been on our own for a few months now. It crippled me for a bit, and I could tell Ruby missed him too. But that’s part of the reason I’m here – I’m moving on.”

He tilted his face toward the sky, letting his eyes fall shut as the breeze rippled through his hair. He inhaled slowly, letting it out and felt the weight of loving Calum lift.

“I will always love him,” he said softly, opening his eyes to look at the plaques once more. “He will always be my one true love, but I can’t keep waiting, you know? Because the longer I wait for something that’s not going to happen, Ruby’s waiting too. And it’s not fair to her, or to me. We need to start again as a family.”

The words hurt; the knowledge that his entire plan of being there was to live and let go – of _Calum_ – made his heart ache deep in his chest.

“I’m thinking of starting our girl in day-care, maybe one day a week,” he smiled. “Mum is watching her now that I’m back at work, and she _loves_ it like you wouldn’t believe. Things were so hard when you guys left, and I pushed her away but, things are good now. She shows up every morning and we have breakfast and little miss is so charming and chatty over her breakfast. I think mum would be happy if I worked 24/7 and she stays for dinner most nights.

I had Ashton helping out, he moved in after Calum left, but he’s got his own life – with _Michael_ – would you believe, and it’s like everyone else is moving on around me, and I’m stuck. So if Ashton and Michael can get a happy ending, then I should too, right?”

He dug his phone out of his pocket, clutching it in his hand. He knew he had to do it, to make the call and say what he needed to say, but _doing_ it and thinking about it, was completely different.

“You have to back me up,” he mumbled to his brother before unlocking the device and calling Calum.

He listened to the tinny sound of the dial tone as the call shot across the world, and he was monumentally relieved when Calum’s voicemail picked up. He had thought it would, the other man hadn’t answered a single call in over two months.

“Cal, hi,” Luke said in a rush after the beep, biting down on his lip. “It’s Luke, I, uh. I just wanted to call and let you know that it’s…that’s it’s _okay_ , Cal. That you didn’t answer any of my other calls or texts, or this call even. I _get_ it, finally. We had our moment and life dealt us cards that meant we had to go in different directions.

I can sit here and ask the _what ifs_ and _if things were different_ and I could come up with a million answers. Like, if Ben and Sarah hadn’t passed away, would I be with you in Brazil right now? Would we have relocated there together? Would you have given it away and decided on Shanghai? Or what if I decided to bring Ruby, and we move as a family? But I know you don’t want her, and that’s okay. I never asked you to take her on, and I never even bothered to consider you in this whole thing. I just took custody of her and thought you’d just…I don’t know.

 

There are a thousand possibilities, and I’ve been driving myself crazy imagining it all. I’ve been asking myself why I didn’t fight harder when you told me you were going, why I didn’t try to talk you out of it, why you didn’t feel like you had a place if you stayed.” Luke paused, letting out a sigh.

“So I’m calling to tell you you’re free, Cal. From me and what we had and the responsibilities I put on you when everything happened and I got Ruby. So if you ever want to call me to say hey, please do. Please know that I’m not sitting here living in the past and wishing you were here. I’ve got to move on like you have, and it’s time for me to stop dragging my heels.

I hope that one day when you’re home, we can catch up over a cup of coffee and get our friendship back. Because that’s the real loss here, right? We had over a decade’s worth of memories that I’m not ready to part with. So don’t think I’m going to give up on our friendship, alright?”

Goodbye had never felt so freeing, and Luke was unable to utter another word as he ended the call quickly, letting his phone drop from his hand and down onto the grass. He could feel tears in his eyes and his chest burning with the need to sob, but he held it together. There was no point in dissolving into nothing if the entire idea of the phone call was to set himself free.

“You weren’t helpful at all,” he scolded his brother with a wry laugh. “Can you believe that just happened? Who thought all those months ago that Calum and I would end up like this? I sure as hell didn’t, but then again, I didn’t expect to lose you two.”

He sniffed and ran his index finger underneath his eyes to clear the tears wanting to fall, and he let out a sigh. “I might bring her around, one of these days,” he sighed. “I know you can see her, but maybe it’s a better view from here.”

He pressed a kiss to his fingers and ran them over their names, affixing the yellow tulips in the garden before he was finding his way home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke's turning a corner! I loved writing this one, because I loved to see him happy, or at least on the way to being happy. He needed to let go, and I think he has, now!
> 
> Thanks to everyone sticking with me for this ride, the end is coming soon! Special thanks to UltimateOptimist, sarahrez1, laurie2629, calum_xxx_hood, honeycalum, Coco_Decon, horanswillie & asocialreader for their awesome comments!
> 
> xoxo


	30. Chapter 30

Luke had known that it would be weird when Ashton finally moved out. It had been almost three months of living together, and seeing the older man every day and watching him bond with Ruby and sometimes finding Michael standing at his kitchen sink, pissed off at being woken by a baby at 5AM and making coffee.

He’d gotten _used_ to it, and missed him now that he was gone.

But it was nice to have his house back – and to _not_ have to deal with a sleep deprived Michael – and he found himself making changes.

At first, it was just little things – new couch cushions, a new dinner set – but Luke had _finally_ decided to turn Ruby’s room into something girly.

He’d enlisted Ashton’s help, of course, and they’d both been out of their depth when they visited Bunnings for paint, but they’d come away with a beautiful shade of pink – iced cupcake to be exact – and a few rollers and paint trays, and a couple of meters of plastic sheeting.

He’d watched a dozen YouTube videos on how to paint walls, and had cleared all the furniture out of the room – temporarily relocating Ruby’s cot into the dining room – and taped the plastic down over the carpet, staying up a few hours after Ruby had gone to bed to do the cutting in of the paint.

By the time the next morning rolled around, and Luke had fed Ruby scrambled eggs while he read the Saturday paper, he was ready to paint. The Wiggles were on TV, Ruby was giggling happily along to _toot toot chugga chugga big red car_ and he was anticipating Ashton’s arrival at nine sharp.

By the time nine fifteen came and went, he was a tiny bit concerned. Ashton was _always_ on time. It was his biggest asset, because ever since they were stupid teenagers, he’d made sure Luke was always early to his final exams, that Calum wasn’t ever late when he started working at City Beach, and they’d all come to rely on that.

By nine thirty Luke was attempting to chew another hole through his lip, and his heart leapt into his throat when Ashton pulled into the driveway.

He couldn’t exactly flee the house to meet him in the driveway, Ruby still playing happily as Hi 5 came on, but he stood anxiously at the front door and watched as his friend got out of his car.

Luke still wasn’t satisfied that things were _okay_ until Ashton was in hearing distance.

“You scared the crap out of me!”

Ashton looked up, a frown creased on his face. He was dressed in an old pair of blue jeans, ripped at the knee and thigh, and a paint splattered Green Day shirt that Luke was pretty sure had been purchased that way.

“Are you alright?”

Ashton stepped up to the front door. “Yeah man, sorry I’m late.”

Luke frowned, watching him step inside, and he followed him in with a suspicious look on his face. “What?”

“What?” Ashton asked, putting his backpack down on the dining room table, and hooked a few unruly curls behind his ear.

Luke’s frown deepened. “You’re never late,” he pointed out. “Even if you _think_ you’re going to be late, you call. So what’s up?”

“Sorry,” Ashton sighed out. “I stayed at Michael’s last night and I didn’t set the alarm.”

Luke wasn’t sure how, but he knew Ashton was lying.

“And you know Michael,” Ashton laughed weakly.  “Ready to paint?”

“No,” Luke said, crossing his arms over his chest. “What’s going on?”

Ashton cleared his throat. “What are you talking about?”

Luke rolled his eyes. “You’re thirty minutes late, you’re being _weird_ and you won’t make eye contact.”

Ashton made a point of connecting their eyes before quickly looking away. “Look, Michael was upset last night,” he said uncomfortably. “We had a late night.”

“Okay,” Luke said slowly. “So why are you being so weird about it?”

“Can we just paint?” Ashton sighed.

Luke felt a little nauseous, because _never_ in their entire friendship, had Ashton lied to him. At least not like this.

“It’s really not a big deal,” Ashton tried, holding out his hands. “Let’s just paint.”

“Is Michael okay? Did you two fight?”

“He’s fine,” Ashton sighed. “We didn’t fight, he’s just…something upset him and it’s nothing really important. Not important enough to talk about.”

Luke sighed. “It’s important if it’s Michael. He’s my friend too. Just tell me, okay? I won’t say anything to him if you don’t want me to.”

“Luke, it’s _nothing_ -“

“It’s obviously _something_ if you’re being this cagey.”

“He’s upset about the voicemail you left for Calum!”

Luke jerked back, as if the words had been a physical assault, feeling a harsh sting against his cheek like Ashton had slapped him. He hadn’t thought of the voicemail – or _Calum_ – in a few days, and he had just assumed that what he said was for the other man’s ears only.

“Look,” Ashton sighed. “Calum was upset about it and called Michael, and you know those two are two sides of the same coin.”

“He’s upset?” Luke whispered.

“Well, yeah,” Ashton eased softly. “You pretty much kicked him when he was down.”

“Oh, so you know too?” Luke demanded, embarrassed and ashamed.

Ashton bit at his lip. “He, uh…sent it to Michael; the voicemail. I only heard it once and I can see it from both points of view.”

“He’s upset,” Luke whispered again, pressing his fingertips to his bottom lip.

He hadn’t even _imagined_ that Calum would _listen_ to the voicemail, let alone be upset about it. He thought it would be freeing – like it had been for Luke – and that they could let sleeping dogs lie and move _on_ with their lives.

“Michael’s just upset on Calum’s behalf,” Ashton eased. “He’s pretty pissed, actually. I can understand why you did it, why you thought it was a good idea, but it didn’t really…translate well.”

Luke dragged a seat out from the dining table and sat down heavily, scrubbing a hand over his face. “It wasn’t meant to be upsetting.”

“I know,” Ashton eased, pulling out a seat to sit beside him. “I know that, and Michael probably knows too, and so does Cal. It was just a bit confronting.”

“So Michael’s pissed at me too?” Luke sighed tiredly.

“Sort of,” Ashton admitted. “He’ll cool off, I’m trying to talk him down.”

Luke sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Well, I guess I fucked up.”

They were interrupted as Ruby crawled into the room, a teething ring in her mouth.

“Hey, little lady,” Ashton greeted, and leant down to pick her up when she stopped at his feet.

Luke watched them, the animated smile on both their faces, and he just felt _horrible_. He hadn’t even stopped to think about how Calum would take his words, and to know he’d upset him _and_ Michael, just made the freedom he’d felt sink heavily in his chest.

“Luke, it’s okay,” Ashton eased, patting his knee.

Luke nodded, reaching over to tuck a stray blonde curl behind Ruby’s ear, and offered her a silly smile. “Should I call Cal?”

“No,” Ashton said quickly, softly. “Just let it lie, you know?”

Luke nodded again, reaching over to pick Ruby up off of Ashton’s knee, cuddling her against his chest and pressed soft kisses to her cheek.

“Let’s just paint,” Ashton suggested.

The wind in Luke’s sails had ebbed, and he didn’t really feel like doing much of anything that didn’t consist of picking apart his stupidity, but he didn’t see the sense in wasting a day and having Ruby’s furniture strewn about the house any longer.

They waited until he’d put her down for a nap, and started to paint.

**

Luke was nervous to see Michael.

It had been a week since Ashton had helped him finish off Ruby’s room – which included moving the furniture back in and hanging a unicorn canvas print above her cot – and while things had sort of simmered down about the voicemail situation, it was still keeping Luke up at night, his phone clutched to his chest, weighing up the decision to call Calum, to _explain_.

He had the HSC starting on Monday, and the close of term four coming to a rapidly dwindling end, and he didn’t have _time_ to second guess his decision to set them free. Not when Ruby was becoming more mobile every day and suddenly Luke’s attempts at baby proofing the house weren’t good enough.

Not when he’d gone to the toilet for approximating fifty seconds and came back to find Ruby’s hand closing over a speaker wire he _thought_ he’d moved out of the way, but clearly _not_ , because she was trying very hard to gnaw on it.

He’d packed her up immediately and went to Bunnings, buying all of the baby proofing items they had, and a hundred dollars and an hour later, he’d managed to affix a childproof lock on the kitchen cupboard below the sink, and had spent twenty minutes trying to _undo_ the goddamn thing.

As much as he loved her independence, he was starting to realize that being the parent of a mobile infant was not what he was ready for. He longed for the days of sitting her on the play mat while he put a load of washing on, or while he answered a few emails or started dinner.

Now, he _blinked_ and she had disappeared, finding lint under the couches and toys he thought were lost forever. But her mobility was a distraction, and he needed it, desperately.

But when Ashton had called and invited him to Lauren’s birthday barbeque on a Sunday afternoon, he had hesitantly accepted.

He wasn’t sure how it would play out, nervous to see Michael, nervous to see if his anger was still burning hot.

But a last minute problem with the HSC exams – the courier company was only _ninety_ percent sure the tests would be delivered on time – and a surprise blow out in Ruby’s nappy had him disgruntled and distracted, and he barely thought of Michael until he was pulling into an empty spot on Anne-Marie’s driveway, as he unloaded a purple gift bag filled with pink tissue paper, the baby bag _and_ the pram, just in case Ruby needed to be contained.

He swore as he jammed his finger into the complicated mechanism of the pram, listening to Ruby calling out to him from her car seat. The twisted piece of metal had cost more than a months’ worth of mortgage payments (he could remember Ben bitching about it when Sarah had bought it) and he was tempted to kick it in to let out his frustration.

“Need a hand?”

Luke peered around the side of his car to see Ashton with an amused smirk on his face. “Hey, screw you,” he frowned.

Ashton laughed, walking towards the car and surveyed the pram. “Dude, fuck that. She can crawl around.”

Luke wanted to warn him about swearing – he was paranoid that Ruby’s next word would be _fuck_ – but then he realized he didn’t actually _care_.

“Are you okay?”

Luke slung the baby bag over his shoulder as Ashton got Ruby out of her car seat. “Yeah, I think so,” he mumbled.

Ashton pressed kisses to Ruby’s cheeks, and raised his brow in Luke’s direction. “What’s up, man?”

“HSC,” Luke sighed tiredly. “It starts tomorrow, and it’s just stressful.”

Ashton settled Ruby on his hip, and narrowed his eyes. “You sure?”

Luke locked the car, feeding the keys into his pocket and let out a sigh. “I’m just really feeling the whole single parent thing.”

Ashton’s expression turned understanding, and he reached out to grip Luke’s shoulder. “You’re doing a great job, man.”

Luke managed a smile. “Thanks.”

“C’mon,” Ashton smiled. “Come eat and mingle. Lauren will fuss over Ruby for you.”

Luke laughed. “It’s her birthday thing. Shouldn’t everyone fuss over _her_?”

“Yeah,” Ashton nodded. “But you know, chicks and babies.”

Luke snorted, the sound turning into a surprised laugh, because _of course_ , him, a twenty-five year old gay man knew _exactly_ what happened regarding _chicks and babies_.

Ashton rolled his eyes and led him through the side gate into the backyard, where tables dressed with purple tablecloths were laden with food, a jukebox in the corner of the yard playing a song Luke didn’t recognize, and Lauren sitting in a deck chair wearing a beautiful purple dress, with a tiara on her head.

“Ruby!” she squeaked, getting out of her seat to meet her brother at the gate, lifting the baby from his arms.

“Luke’s here too,” Ashton pointed out wryly.

Lauren rolled her eyes at him and looked to Luke, stepping close to press a kiss to his stubbled cheek. “Hi Luke.”

“Hey kiddo,” he greeted affectionately. He held the purple gift bag toward her. “Happy birthday.”

She let out another squeak, pressing another kiss to his cheek before she took the bag, and whisked both it and Ruby back to her seat where her friends were waiting. They immediately started fussing over the baby, and Luke let out a relieved sigh that maybe he’d get a tiny bit of a break.

“Luke!”

Luke smiled as Anne-Marie stepped outside, an elaborately decorated cake in her arms. “Hey.”

She set the cake down before greeting him properly, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “No Ruby?”

Ashton snorted. “Lauren’s already got her. You have had the safe sex talk with her, right?”

Anne-Marie smacked his shoulder. “Don’t be crass. Go and help Harry with the punch.”

Ashton rolled his eyes and trudged toward his younger brother, who was rapidly filling a punch bowl with lemonade.

Luke smiled, feeling calm and relaxed in the familiar back yard, memories of causing havoc filling his mind.

“How are you, sweets?”

He smiled at Ashton’s mum. “Busy,” he admitted. “Tired.”

She smiled. “I remember,” she sympathized. “You’re doing a great job.”

Luke shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “Thank you. So are you, hey? The food looks amazing.”

She laughed, tucking a loose strand of blonde hair back behind her ear. “She won’t be eighteen again, I suppose.”

“Can I help?” Luke offered. “Now that I’ve been relieved of baby duty.”

“You can!” Anne-Marie nodded. “I started chopping up cheese and gherkins inside. Do you think you could finish while I take care of a few things?”

“Of course,” Luke nodded, his fingers grazing her elbow as he passed her, saying hello to a few familiar faces before stepping inside.

And stopped cold.

Michael was standing at the kitchen bench, snacking on the gherkins Luke assumed he had to prepare. He wasn’t aware of his presence, and Luke was tempted to duck back out into the backyard to take Ruby from Lauren and create a baby situation so he didn’t have to face the other man.

But that was _juvenile_ , and as much as Luke wanted to avoid it, he knew he couldn’t.

So he let the screen door shut softly, and Michael’s head shot up.

“I’m just tasting for quality control – oh.”

Luke bit down on his lip ring, burying his hands back into his pockets. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Michael mumbled, wiping his fingers on his jeans and stepped away from the bench.

Luke didn’t know what to say, if he should bring it up or leave it alone. But his mouth was opening and words were falling out and he was powerless to stop them.

“I’m sorry about the voicemail.”

Michael raised his eyebrows and picked up another gherkin, popping it into his mouth. “Not really the guy you need to apologize to,” he mumbled.

Luke felt the pain in his chest clench again, and he felt over the hard edge of his phone in his pocket.

“Look, it’s Lauren’s birthday and I’m part of the fucking family now, so I have to be _good_ ,” Michael sighed, as if the expectation was an inconvenience. “Let’s just leave it be.”

“No,” Luke said softly, taking a few more steps towards the kitchen. “No, we need to talk about it because you’re obviously still upset.”

Michael let out an annoyed sigh. “Why are we talking about _me_ being upset? Because _Calum_ is the one in the foreign country listening to that fucked up voicemail.”

Luke cringed, biting down on his lip ring again. “I keep thinking I should call him, and explain.”

“Don’t,” Michael said flatly. “Like, it’s _done_ , Luke. If you wanted to hammer in the final nail with Cal, you did it. At least leave him the fuck alone to _move on_.”

Luke could feel the tears burning behind his eyes, could feel his stomach twist. The idea of _done_ was terrifying, the idea that things with Calum were completely over, and it was his _fault_.

He tugged his hands out of his pockets, his shoulders slumping forward in defeat. He had _no idea_ that this would happen when he called the other man. He didn’t think that the freeing speech would be so freeing, he didn’t know he’d _hurt_ people like he had.

“I didn’t know,” Luke whispered softly. “I was trying to do the right thing.”

“For _you_ ,” Michael pointed out. “And I get it, okay? I get that you need to do things your way because you have a kid, but you didn’t _think_ about Calum, did you?”

“I,” Luke began softly. “I thought it would help.”

Michael opened his mouth to respond when the back door slid open, and Ashton stepped inside.

He took one look at the dejected expression on Luke’s face and sighed. “You _promised_.”

“I’m sorry,” Michael said flatly, his words devoid of caring.

“Get off his back,” Ashton sighed. “Calum _shit_ all over him, left the country and stopped taking his calls. He has a kid and a life he needs to get on with, so _get over it_.”

“It’s fine,” Luke said softly, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

“No,” Ashton insisted. “I’ve had enough of this _Luke vs Calum_ bullshit. Sure, Luke has fucked up, but so has Calum, and _you_ ,” he said, pointing his finger at Michael, “need to get over it.”

“Ashton,” Michael sighed, rolling his eyes. “This has nothi-“

“Oh yes it does,” Ashton interrupted. “This has _everything_ to do with me because you’re my boyfriend, and Luke’s my best friend and Calum is my friend, too. I’m smack bang in the middle, and what I’m telling you is that you need to get over it. Do you think making Luke feel like shit is changing anything?”

Luke winced, feeling the anger and annoyance radiating off of Michael in waves. He didn’t want this – a stupid fight at a birthday party about a man who wasn’t even _in_ the country. But Ashton had a point, and Luke wanted to stand up for himself, but Michael had always been a formidable opponent.

“Apologize.”

“You’re _joking_?” Michael demanded.

“No, I’m not,” Ashton informed him haughtily. “I get that your friendship with Calum is important, but need I remind you – _again –_ that Luke is your friend too?”

“I – “

“I’m not done,” Ashton snapped. “Pull your head out of your ass and grow _up_ , Michael.”

Luke flinched when Ashton almost ripped the screen door open and stormed outside, listening to the metal slam shut, and the silence descended over the kitchen like an uncomfortable blanket of tension.

Luke could hear Ruby babbling outside, and the soft, amused sound of laughter coming from Lauren and her friends as they fussed over her, and Luke wished he was holding her, could use her as a shield to break the tension between him and Michael.

“I’m…sorry,” Michael grumbled softly.

Luke looked up, seeing the frown stretched over the other man’s face. “You don’t have to say it if you don’t mean it.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Look, I mean it,” he said quickly. “Obviously, I’m not a complete dick.”

Luke sighed.

“He’s my oldest friend,” Michael explained. “And he was upset, and I’m mad about it, but that doesn’t mean it’s all your fault.”

“I never meant to hurt him,” Luke sighed, his shoulders slumping with weariness. “And I’m _sorry_ for it, okay? Jeez, do you really think I would set out to hurt him on purpose?”

“No.”

“Then can’t you try and understand,” Luke pleaded softly. “That my intention wasn’t to hurt him, that I needed closure? I needed to let go?”

“And what if he wasn’t ready to let go?”

The comment made Luke reel back in shock.

What did that even _mean_? It was Luke’s phone calls going unanswered, Luke’s feelings that had been trampled. If Calum wasn’t ready to let go, then why did he push Luke away?”

“Mikey,” Luke said, taking a few steps towards the kitchen. “What do you _mean_?”

“Nothing,” Michael said quickly, picking up another gherkin. “Just leave it be now, okay? You got your closure.”

Luke opened his mouth to ask another question, to _force_ an answer out of Michael if he had to. But the other man was briskly walking out of the kitchen, following his boyfriend’s earlier path out into the backyard.

Luke stood immobile for a moment, his lips parted in confusion as he tried to pick apart Michael’s sentence.

_What if he wasn’t ready to let go?_

He stood there for what felt like forever, until Harry was coming inside saying something about extra lemonade for the punch, and Luke remembered that he was meant to be helping out, and his feet carried him over to the bench.

Even as he sliced the cheese and gherkins, his mind was elsewhere, thinking about Calum, and whether or not their chapter was actually closed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys have left some truly lovely comments, and it's so appreciated!!! I hope you like this next chapter, it's a little more insight into Luke and Michael's complicated friendship!
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading and special thanks to KellyWoods, Coco_Decon, vxlpix, Jessica, rocketmail, alilrose, laurie2629, thornethecaptain, sarahrez1 & ben_parish for the aforementioned lovely comments!
> 
> xoxo


	31. Chapter 31

Luke couldn’t explain the anxiety flowing through his veins as he lowered himself into his chair behind his desk in his classroom. He felt a little nauseous, the eggs his mother had made that morning rolling in his stomach as he let out a slow, shaky breath.

He could see the tops of his student’s heads as they started the first of their exams, the clock reading precisely nine am.

Some of them were taking slow, nervous sips from bottles of water, some already frantically writing. He could see in each of them where their fears lied, and he could remember the feeling like it was yesterday.

His mum had made him eggs, the morning of his first exam. Her special scrambled recipe with freshly cracked pepper and just a sprinkling of cheese. She’d made him drink a cup of tea, even though he wasn’t sure his stomach would keep it down, and she walked him through the information he’d been drumming into his mind since the first day of the school year.

He’d been terrified, so sure he’d fail and disappoint _everyone_ , and his anxiety had grown exponentially the moment he’d sat down at his desk and the class was given the simple instructions before his teacher had announced the commencement.

He’d sat there for what felt like the entire ninety minutes, the words on his exam paper swimming in front of his eyes as he realized he _couldn’t_ do it.

His teacher had cleared his throat and Luke had looked up, and they’d made eye contact for a quick but important second. It grounded Luke, reminded him that he _had_ this, that he _could_ do it.

He’d aced it; did even better than he thought he would.

And now, sitting there in front of his class, his eyes roamed over each of them, trying to identify the same panic he’d felt all those years ago.

He was somewhat relieved to see that everyone was clenching a pen, pressing it to paper to hopefully pull a successful score and take another positive step towards their future.

He let a smile grace his face as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, setting it down on his desk. He’d turned it off – for the first time in _years_ – and was mildly concerned about it. What if his mother needed him? What if Ruby got sick?

Liz has assured him that she’d call the school, she’d storm the place if she had to, so Luke agreed to turn his phone off. But it still didn’t stop him from drumming his fingertips against his desk for a long moment, biting down on his lip ring as he eyed it.

He broke himself out of it, reaching for his bag, and the pile of work he’d been avoiding during the HSC prep.

He lasted twenty minutes before picking up is phone, and it took another few minutes to convince himself to leave it alone.

**

By the time Luke shut off the light in his classroom and the shadows surrounded him, he was exhausted. The HSC was far from over, and he knew that now that the English written portion was behind a lot of his students, the math part would be the thing they would panic over next.

He’d done it himself, all those years ago.

The school grounds were mostly deserted as he left, crossing the staff carpark to get to his car, noticing a few familiar cars still scattered about, and wondered how many other teachers were racking up overtime in the desperate struggle to end the horror week of the HSC.

Sliding in behind the wheel had never felt so good, even though it was close to seven and Ruby would be in bed and his mother would want to talk about how it all went, it felt good to know he’d gotten to this point, after the horrible year he’d had.

He inserted the key into the ignition and started his car, digging his phone out of his pocket. He turned the device on, watching the notifications of voice mails, text messages and reminders pop up on his screen.

He abandoned it, shoving it into his cup holder as he put on his seatbelt before backing out of his parking space, and driving out onto the main road, the short distance home nothing but a godsend after such a long day.

He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of a song on the radio, stifling a yawn or two as he sleepily rolled his way through the streets, turning onto his own in no time. The light in the living room was on when he pulled into his driveway, and the light above the front door showed him his mum had been thinking of him.

He turned the car off, letting out a sigh as he sat there in the silence, trying to think ahead to the following day. He had three classes to teach, made up of his year ten and eleven classes, before supervising two of the HSC exams in the afternoon. It would be another long day, but it would be worth it in the end.

His phone beeped, reminding him it was still in his cup holder and he picked it up, unlocking the device and debated on checking his texts or voicemails first. The voicemails would take longer, but the texts had the possibility of entering into a conversation, so he quickly dialled into his voicemail.

 _“You have four new voicemails. Message one received at 10:42AM.”_ BEEP _“Luke? It’s mum, thought I’d get you before you turned your phone off. You need cooking spray oil.”_

Luke rolled his eyes, deleting the message once it had played. Trust his mother to call him in regards to the urgent purchase of cooking oil.

 _“Message two received at 1:41PM.”_ BEEP _“Hi, Mr Hemmings? This is Tara from the education department. I would just like to confirm your appointment with the school board regarding end of year assessments. Could you give me a call on 8084 1923? Thanks.”_

Luke saved that one, before moving on.

 _“Message three received at 2:13PM.”_ BEEP. _“Luke?”_

Luke sucked in a sharp breath, his phone sliding out of his fingers and down between the centre console of his car and his seat, and he sat there for a second, frozen from the sound of Calum’s voice.

The pain at hearing that deep, rough voice ripped through him, obliterating any misguided thoughts he had about _closure_.

His eyes burned and his teeth were closed painfully tight over his bottom lip, and his fingertips were curled against his shirt as he sucked in a deep breath.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, thinking about Calum and the fact he hadn’t heard the other man’s voice in months, how long it had been since he’d been in his presence. And God, did Luke _miss_ him.

It was what had him shoving his hand down beside his seat, reaching for his phone. His fingertips skimmed over the hard edge of the device, and he let out a soft, whimpered sound of frustration, only managing to shove the phone further down the gap.

“Jesus Christ, “he groaned out in frustration, moving his hand around the front of his seat, trying to reach his phone from that angle.

After a lot of wiggling and cursing, Luke was dragging the phone out, the screen black and ominous. Now that he knew there was a voicemail from Calum, he didn’t want to listen to it. What if this was his karma after the one he’d sent the other man? What if it was Calum yelling at him for ten minutes about what a shitty person he was?

But the idea of _not_ listening to it made him feel worse, and he quickly dialled back into his voicemail, having to listen to Tara from the education department talk about end of year assessments when all he wanted to hear was his ex’s voice.

 _“Message three received at 2:13PM.”_ BEEP. _“Luke? Jesus Christ. I promised Michael I wouldn’t do this, actually, I had to make HIM promise not to call you himself, and it’s all so fucked up, isn’t it? Since when did we invite him into this mess between us? I guess that’s what happens when people break up._

_Look, obviously you know how upset I was about your message. Michael and tact aren’t words that go well together. I didn’t think I’d call you back after I listened to it twenty times, because I was mad. I **am** mad. I’m mad at you, for patronizing me and telling me how **okay** it was that I didn’t return your calls or texts. Like, are you serious? We **broke up**. And I know we tried to do the whole ‘oh, we’ll still be friends’ thing, but did you really think it would work? I knew after the first week of being here that it wouldn’t. _

_The worst part – if it can **get** any worse – is Ruby. How dare you assume that me not **wanting** her was the reason I left. I wasn’t ready to be a dad, I’ll admit that, but there wasn’t a single day that I woke up thinking I didn’t want her around. I **love** that kid, and so fuck you for assuming I never wanted her.  _

_I also had to find out from Michael that my name was her first word. I know you probably swore him to secrecy about it – something else to be pissed at you about – but how fucking dare you do that to me? I **love** her, and I want to know everything about her, even if I don’t answer calls or texts._

_Jesus Christ, I’m so fucking **mad** , even now, when I think about it. When I think about you being all high and mighty and setting me free like I was a trapped bird in a cage all along. Brazil and soccer had nothing to do with you, or Ruby. Sure, she changed the outcome, because like you said, maybe if things hadn’t happened the way they did, maybe you would’ve come with me. _

_But what’s the fucking point in doing that to ourselves? Asking questions that don’t have answers, and that never will. I don’t know about you, but I’m so fucking sick of this. The emotions and the politics and the let’s be friends bullshit that seems impossible at this point._

_Truth is, I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to like Facebook posts and leave a random comment on your wall for your birthday. Turns out, I don’t want to just go back to being friends, because even when we were just friends, I was in love with you._

_So I guess the point of this message is to say fuck you. And that I never wanted to be set free. It just got too hard to answer your calls and texts._

_Don’t set me free, Luke.”_

Dial tone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so tired and incapable of cognitive thoughts, but I wanted to give you guys another chapter!
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading and special thanks to thominhoplease, sky, Coco_Decon, rocketmail, lukeisababe, laurie2629, mockingjaycie, KellyWoods, Jessica & asocialreader for their awesome comments!
> 
> xoxo


	32. Chapter 32

“Mr Hemmings?”

Luke looked up from the papers in front of him, to see the school registrar standing at the door to his classroom. Her arrival disrupted several of his students – the ones who were verging on the edge of panic considering the exam had started twenty minutes ago – and he frowned disapprovingly at her.

“You have a message,” she said politely.

His expression immediately turned apologetic and he got up out of his seat to head to the door. He was slightly alarmed, worried that his mother would be on the other end of the line with a Ruby emergency.

“Here you go,” the registrar – _Jane_ – said, handing him a pink piece of paper. “You can pick up the call in the staff room.”

There was nothing identifying on the slip, and Luke wondered why she even bothered giving it to him. But he didn’t have time to contemplate the validity of the piece of paper, and nodded his head and began to head down the hall towards the English staff room, leaving Jane to supervise his class.

The staff room was deserted – it was almost ten on a Tuesday morning, so Luke wasn’t surprised – and he sat down at his cramped desk, snatching up the phone quickly and selecting the flashing call on line one.

“Mum?”

“Why haven’t you called Calum back?”

Luke frowned, momentarily blind sighted by the deep voice on the other end of the line, who was definitely _not_ his mother.

“Luke? Seriously, man. He called you _yesterday_ , and _nothing_.”

“Michael?” Luke asked incredulously. “Why are you calling me? I’m supervising the HSC!”

“When are you going to call Calum?” Michael asked, disregarding Luke’s question completely.

“Why is it any of your business?” Luke snapped. He really didn’t have _time_ for this.

“Because he’s my best friend,” Michael answered stubbornly. “Because he poured his heart out to you and you haven’t responded.”

“First of all,” Luke said, from behind clenched teeth, “he called and left me a passive aggressive voicemail to tell me how condescending _my_ voicemail was, and that hardly counts as _pouring his heart out_.”

“Okay, you’re an idiot,” Michael sighed. “You’re supposed to know him better than anyone. You _know_ what he was saying behind his words.”

“I don’t have time for this!” Luke snapped, raising his voice. “You haven’t spoken to me in _weeks_ , and now you’re calling to berate me for not calling my ex back, which has _nothing to do with you_. So you can see why I’d be a little annoyed.”

“Pull that stick out of your ass and call him back,” Michael snapped. “He’s coming home for Christmas.”

The dial tone was music to Luke’s ears and he slammed the receiver down, anger coursing through his veins. He was so _sick_ of this, like Calum had said. The back and forth and round abouts that weren’t doing anything but confusing him further.

He couldn’t see past his anger, couldn’t even play Michael’s words over in his head. He was still back in his classroom, with his students, and that’s where he headed, flashing a tight, forced smile at Jane as he took his place at his desk, his students barely recognizing his presence as they wrote furiously.

He picked up his pen, ready to get back to work, but all he could think about was Calum. About how he’d felt the night before, silent tears rolling down his cheeks as he listened to the anger and hurt laced in Calum’s words, how badly _he’d_ hurt him. He couldn’t decipher it, unsure if calling him back would make it better or worse, or just what he’d actually _meant_ when he’d asked not to be set free.

And now, he was coming home for Christmas.

There was a month in front of them, and then they’d be sharing the same post code again, and Luke didn’t know how to feel. He didn’t know what it _meant_ , and he was right back to where he was before his voicemail, strangled and confused and questioning _everything_ , and whatever freeing feeling he’d had was long gone.

_Don’t set me free, Luke._

Using all the resolve he had, Luke picked up his pen, and continued marking the pages in front of him.

**

“Is she asleep?”

Liz smiled, pressing a kiss to her son’s stubbled cheek, squeezing his forearm. “She’s waiting for you in the living room.”

It was Thursday, and Luke had been home late every night since Monday, having missed bedtime with Ruby, and it was tearing him apart. They got to see each other for a hurried forty-five minutes every morning before he was ducking out of the house for work, and he _missed_ her.

“Ruby cakes?” he called, setting his messenger bag down on the dining table and headed for the living room, where he could hear _The Wiggles_ playing on a low volume.

Ruby was turbo crawling at the sound of his voice, and she met him near the hall, settling back to sit on her rear, her arms extended to him.

“Oh baby,” he greeted, scooping her up easily and pressed his face into her neck, nuzzling her closely as she tugged at his hair. “I’ve missed you,” he mumbled against her soft, sweet-smelling skin.

She giggled, her fingers poking against him the longer he snuggled her. “Ball!”

Luke laughed softly, pulling his head away from her neck to kiss her cheek. “That’s right, Ruby girl. Ball.”

She grinned, her hands petting at his cheeks, fingers poking experimentally at his lip ring. It was a novelty now that she’d realized it was there. He always made an exaggerated noise whenever she touched it, and that night was no exception.

He gasped and she laughed, showing off her two top and bottom teeth, her pyjamas soft against his skin.

“Tell daddy what we did today,” Liz told her, stopping next to them. “We walked down to the park, didn’t we? And Pop met us for lunch.”

“Really?” Luke asked with a wide smile. “Did you see Pop?”

“Pop!”

Luke smiled, kissing her cheek. “I missed you.”

“So,” Liz said softly, drawing his attention towards her. “She _may_ have said daddy today.”

“What?” Luke squeaked, making Ruby laugh. “Did you say daddy? Did I miss it?”

She smiled before letting out a yawn, dropping her head gently down onto his shoulder.

Luke kissed her shoulder, feeling contentment settle inside of him. He missed her so much when he was at work, and to think he was missing big moments hurt, just a little.

“It could’ve been baby,” Liz offered softly, her hand squeezing his arm.

Luke smiled gratefully at her. “Thank you so much, mum; for watching her. You’re a lifesaver.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” she assured him, moving to pick up her purse, looping the strap over her shoulder. “Though, I should get home to your father. He’s probably asleep on the couch already.”

Luke smiled. “Yeah, you better.”

She went up onto her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “There’s a plate in the oven. Enjoy.”

Luke groaned, knowing that another thank you would be redundant, but he meant it all the same.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” she said, a knowing smile on her face. “Get some sleep and trim that beard. It’s getting scratchy.”

Luke reached up to slowly stroke his fingers over his chin. He’d been so tired lately the idea of shaving had become too much, and he’d been letting himself go in that department. Maybe he’d attempt to straighten it up later, but he’d be falling asleep in front of the TV, most likely.

Once his mother had left, Luke was all too happy to carry Ruby around, singing softly to her as he checked on his dinner in the oven – rissoles and mashed potatoes – before heading down the hall to the nursery to put Ruby to bed.

She didn’t fuss as he put her down after pressing soft kisses to her forehead. He took an extra few minutes to tuck her in, making sure she was warm, and even as she started to drift off, he had to convince himself to leave.

He didn’t want to, but the idea of sleeping on the floor wasn’t a smart one, and Luke tiptoed out quietly, and faced his empty house.

He wished he could distract himself with dishes – his mum had done them – or picking up Ruby’s toys – she’d done that, too – and after standing in the kitchen _looking_ for something to do, he finally gave up and ended up on the couch with a beer and his dinner, picking at it disinterestedly as he channel surfed.

He’d been so tired he hadn’t had much thinking time, and he’d been _grateful_ for that. He’d been dodging Michael’s calls, and Ashton’s too, and he was trying to avoid thinking about Calum altogether, but it was moments like this – at the end of the day when the stress of school had faded away – was when he was most vulnerable, and as much as he didn’t _want_ to fall into the trap, he failed, each and every time.

He’d usually fall asleep to the sounds of Calum’s first televised game playing in the background, and Luke had promised himself on so many occasions that he’d delete it, but he didn’t have the strength. He was still so tied to him, and now that things were as confusing as ever, he wasn’t sure where his head was at.

All he knew was that Calum was coming home, and that he had _no_ idea what that meant. He knew he could call Michael, he knew that he could reach out to his friends, but he was scared. Scared to open himself up again, to the possibility that he’d misjudged everything and that Calum wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

All he knew was that whatever was going on, wasn’t going to be fixed any time soon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are SO close to the end!!! There is so much still to come, and I'm so grateful everyone has stuck with this! It's definitely been epic!
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading, and special thanks to Coco_Decon, thominhoplease, UltimateOptimist, KellyWoods, Lukesnotpunk, calum_xxx_hood, horanswillie, lukeisababe, Noé, daisy_maus, shutupluke & CupidGenie for their lovely comments!
> 
> xoxo


	33. Chapter 33

Luke was counting down the days until the end of the school year. He loved his job, but it had been the year from hell and all he wanted to do was not put on pants for six week and hang out with Ruby.

Reconnect with his family and celebrate the first, horrible Christmas without Ben and Sarah, but the first Christmas with Ruby.

He had a week, that was it, and it was over.

The HSC was over, his senior students had graduated and he was looking down the barrel of six long weeks of _nothing_. That was, if Michael Clifford would leave him alone.

He just wasn’t in the mood to answer his calls, not since Calum’s voicemail and Michael’s self-insertion into their business. He didn’t know what to _say_ to _anyone_ , and so he figured saying nothing was the best idea he’d ever had.

Until Saturday morning, when Luke had put on a load of washing and Ruby down for a nap while he settled down with the TV remote and a bag of chips. He was halfway into the bag and twenty minutes into a _Criminal Minds_ episode when the doorbell rang.

He paused, listening for any tell-tale signs of Ruby waking up, but when he heard nothing, he paused the episode and got up, padding barefoot over to the front door and opened it slowly.

“Morning!”

Luke flinched at Ashton’s unfailingly positive greeting, and he frowned.

“You’re not going to say it back?” Ashton pouted.

Luke rolled his eyes. “Morning,” he parroted back at him.

Michael grunted, from where he stood next to Ashton.

“Can we come in?” Ashton asked, stepping inside without waiting for Luke’s response, and dragged Michael in with him.

Luke opened his mouth to object, but sighed instead, shutting the door after them.

“Oh, is this the episode where Garcia gets shot?” Ashton asked, taking Luke’s spot on the couch, picking up the chip packet and reaching inside.

Luke watched as Michael slumped down next to him, and how disinterested he seemed.

“Guys, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks with work,” Luke tried. “I just want to hang out. _Alone_.”

“No can do,” Ashton said through a mouthful of chips. “You’ve got something to do.”

Luke frowned, his hands settling on his hips. “Did we make plans?” he asked. “Because Ruby just went down and I really planned on doing nothi-“

“Mikey, give it to him,” Ashton said as he shovelled more chips into his mouth.

Luke’s frown deepened, looking from Ashton’s smug expression to Michael’s less-than-enthused one. He wasn’t sure if he was dreaming, if he’d fallen asleep in front of the TV and woken up in an alternate reality, but he’d been avoiding his friends for a few weeks, now. He’s almost certain they hadn’t made plans, which took his confusion to a whole different level.

“Wait, what?”

Michael rolled his eyes and got up off the couch. “Here,” he said moodily, producing a wrinkled, blank envelope and extended it toward him.

Luke was almost hesitant to take it, considering Michael had a permanent scowl on his face. But he raised his hand slowly, closing it around the thick envelope.

Before he took it into his hand, Michael tightened his grip, his green eyes boring into Luke’s. “I’ll say this,” he began.

“Michael,” Ashton sighed tiredly, slumping back into the couch.

“No, _excuse_ me, but I’m getting my two cents in.”

Ashton rolled his eyes and helped himself to another handful of chips.

“I don’t agree with this letter,” Michael said bluntly. “I don’t think you deserve it. But Calum is my best friend, and I’d jump off a bridge if he asked me to, but instead, he asked me to give you this.”

Luke’s heart thudded in his chest as Michael released the envelope, and Luke pressed it to his chest.

“You should’ve called him back by now,” Michael muttered.

Luke wanted to get mad at him and cause an argument, because as far as he was concerned, it wasn’t any of Michael’s business. But his curiosity over the envelope outweighed his need to be _right_ , and he just pressed it harder to his chest, wanting to feel Calum’s words against his skin.

“Go,” Michael demanded.

Ashton got up off the couch and stopped at his boyfriend’s side. “What Michael _means_ to say, is that you take your time and read it, and we’ll listen out for Ruby. If you want to take a drive or sit outside, whatever; just take the time to read it.”

“Okay,” Luke whispered softly.

He lingered there for a long moment, eyes on the envelope. He didn’t feel strong enough to read it, remembering the last time he’d opened an envelope had been on one of the worst days of his life. He figured because of that, whatever was in _this_ envelope couldn’t be much worse.

“Go,” Ashton encouraged softly.

Luke looked up at him and leant forward to hug him, squeezing around his shoulders as he let out a soft breath.

“Hey,” Ashton said, gently rubbing his back. “It’s okay.”

“Yeah,” Luke whispered, releasing him quickly. “I might sit out the back.”

Ashton nodded and gave him a reassuring smile before Luke was walking away, his bare feet carrying him to the back door to his patio and he stepped outside, shutting the glass door soundlessly. He sat down on one of the patio chairs, propping his feet up on the small coffee table in front of it.

His fingers smoothed along the edges of the envelope, turning it over in his hands. He wondered what was inside, if it would be more of same, like Calum’s voicemail. Or would it be an apology? Or a request for all contact to be severed?

Luke didn’t want to read it, too overwhelmed already, but he knew he’d question it, every single second, if he got up and tucked it away in a drawer and tried to carry on with his life.

So he let his finger catch on the flap at the back of the envelope, and he started to tear into it.

**

_Dear Luke,_

_I hate this letter already. I’ve started writing it six times now, and each time I find something wrong with it. The truth is, this isn’t what I want. I’d rather talk to you, see your face, hold your hand. I had sort of hoped my voicemail would be the thing to get you to call. That I’d piss you off enough that you’d want to give me a piece of your mind._

_That call never came._

_And I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t get YOU out of my head. Because it’s been months now, and I should be happy. I mean, I am, most of the time. I train eight hours a day, I play first grade when I can, and I see the sights of Brazil. I think you’d love it here._

_But I go back to my dorm at the end of the night and I enter my tiny room that is barely bigger than a shoebox and I look at the picture of you and Ruby I have beside my bed, and I’m reminded that I’m alone. That I had you both, and I walked away._

_Jesus, I want to throw this letter out, too. It’s so cliché and stupid and I hate the fact that things have gotten so bad between us that we can’t talk anymore. When I called you last week, I thought you’d answer. Not that you should, from what Michael tells me, you’re doing really well._

_You got everything back on track with work and Ruby, and I’m so proud of you. You don’t need me, Luke. And that is a tough pill to swallow. Not that I wanted you to struggle, or not be able to get by without me. This is just coming out all wrong._

_I meant what I said in that voicemail. That I don’t want to be friends, that I don’t want you to set me free. The truth is…I want you. I want you and Ruby and I want to make us a family and I want to do what I should’ve done the first time around and committed myself to you and her._

_I want to be her dad, Luke._

_It’s like there’s all this space inside of me that should be filled with her and you and it’s not, and it’s so hollow and sickening and I’m just empty, all the time. And I know I don’t have a right to ask, considering all that has happened, but I’ve got nothing left, Luke. It’s you and Ruby and that’s it for me._

_I want you to think, okay? I want you to think about us being a family again, and I want you to see if there’s any space left for me in your heart. I’ll be home December 12 th, and my flight lands at 2:30PM. Either way, whatever you decide…could you meet me at the airport? Even if it’s to tell me to move on, that what I want isn’t possible, I just want to hear it, you know? _

_And if it’s the opposite…God, I can’t imagine how that would feel, Luke. I promise you I am in this for the rest of our lives. To be Ruby’s dad and get married and talk about having another kid – I want the goddamn white picket fence with you, Luke Hemmings._

_So let’s not be friends anymore, okay?_

_Let’s be soul mates._

_All my love from across the world,_

_Cal xo_

**

“You read it?”

Luke’s voice was strangled and rough, after spending almost an hour out on the back patio reading the letter over and over again until the words bled together. He’d cried – _sobbed_ – as he read it, feeling it crush his soul, and pull apart the strength he’d built ever since Calum had left.

“Yes,” Michael answered.

“And you think he’s stupid, right?” Luke scoffed. “For wanting me back?”

“No,” Michael said, a frown settling on his face. “Are you kidding me? There’s nothing I want more than the two of you to get back together. I just think you’ve been a fucking idiot the whole time he’s been gone.”

The letter was slightly crumpled and Luke’s nose was running and the letter had pulled him apart at the seams and now he was broken again. He had to think about the content, the question, the _offer_ Calum was making.

Did he want to give it another go? Get their happily ever after?

Luke’s heart wanted it _desperately_. There was a part of him that knew that if he’d never be with Calum again, the idea of finding someone else seemed impossible. How he could connect with anyone like he’d connected with Calum?

“Are you okay?”

Luke slumped down on the couch, letting out a sigh. “I don’t know,” he answered softly, and felt Ashton’s fingers press against his knee. “Did you read it?”

“Yeah,” Ashton admitted softly. “It’s amazing, Luke; what he’s asking. Sometimes people need time away to realize their mistakes, and to realize what they really want.”

“And sometimes time apart should be permanent,” Luke whispered.

“True,” Ashton nodded. “But not in this case, in my opinion. He’s a good guy, and he’s had to do this alone, and he’s realized that being without you two isn’t what he wants.”

“I have two weeks,” Luke swallowed. “Until he’s back.”

“Do you have an idea of what you’ll do?”

Luke sighed, feeling monumentally exhausted. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I really want to _think_ on it, you know? Because this decision changes the rest of my life, and Ruby’s, too.”

Michael stood suddenly. “I think she’s awake.”

“Okay,” Luke sighed, moving to stand.

“I’ll go,” Michael offered.

Luke raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? She’ll need a nappy change.”

“I’m not retarded,” Michael dead panned and rolled his eyes, walking out of the room.

“He’s not against you.”

Luke looked over at Ashton. “I know. My relationship with him has always been tough, especially when it comes to Calum.”

“He’s weird about Calum. Like I’m weird about you.”

Luke laughed softly, setting the letter down on the coffee table. “Tell me what to do.”

“Ah,” Ashton smiled, leaning back on the couch. “My gut says take him back,” he grinned. “But I’m not you, Luke. Only _you_ know the answer.”

Luke picked at his shirt. “She’d love to have him back,” he whispered. “She looks for him, still. Points at his pictures and says his name. He’s her dad, to her.”

“I know,” Ashton eased. “And how do _you_ feel?”

“I’m in love with him,” Luke admitted softly. “But it’s not that simple.”

“I know,” Ashton repeated softly. “But maybe it should be.”

Luke opened his mouth to respond, to argue the point a little more because that’s just what he _did_ , when Michael returned, a sleepy Ruby in his arms.

“Dada!”

Luke’s mouth dropped open, watching as she extended her arms towards him, her little fists opening and closing in a grabbing motion.

“Holy shit.”

“Don’t swear!”

Luke was frozen, staring at his daughter and unsure if he was the only one who’d heard that.

“Looks like all that hard work has paid off, mate.”

Luke blinked and looked over at Ashton to see his wide grin. “You heard her?”

“Yeah!” Ashton laughed.

Michael had a grin on his face, carrying her into the living room and plonked her down in Luke’s lap.

“Hi baby,” Luke greeted, taming her blonde curls. “Did you have a nice sleep?”

She grinned, showing off her teeth, her cheeks pink from her nap. She leant into him, pressing her face into his chest.

“Proud dad moment?”

Luke smiled over at Michael, unable to keep the joy off of his face. “You bet.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're now so, SO close to wrapping this up, and I love everyone's enthusiasm! This chapter is very revealing, because now we get to see Calum, and see his realization that leaving Luke and being hesitant to be Ruby's dad was something he regrets, and he wants them back. 
> 
> I think it was integral for him to leave for Brazil and chase his dream, and I think he needed the clarity of a few months away, to really figure out what he wanted. And that's Ruby & Luke <3\. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading, and a massive thank you to thominhoplease, asocialreader, Coco_Decon, CupidGenie, honeycalum, calum_xxx_hood & tigerlily_sunshine for their incredible comments!
> 
> xoxo


	34. Chapter 34

“So what was it?”

“Tails. What was tails?”

Luke made a face, bouncing Ruby gently on his hip as he nibbled on his lip ring. “I don’t know.”

Liz laughed softly and pocketed her ten cent piece. “Honey, you’re not going to get your answer from a coin toss.”

Luke _knew_ that.

But he’d been thinking – _over_ thinking – about Calum’s letter for a week now. He was running out of time, and it seemed like he was no closer to a decision. One day he’d be certain that they couldn’t get back together, and he’d make peace with that decision only to wake up the next day and decide living without him wasn’t an option.

It was the last day of school for the year, and the distraction of work had been helpful, but Luke was still sinking deep into the idea of Calum. Of _seeing_ him again, of maybe touching him and kissing him and being with him again.

It was so easy to get wrapped up in it, the good times and the what ifs and the way Ruby would say _Lum_ all the time and point to pictures of Calum on the walls.

He thought telling his mum would help, that she’d be able to offer some motherly wisdom and give him the answers he so badly needed. She’d listened to him, and that was about it, and he was utterly confused and a little jaded at the idea that his mum _didn’t_ have all the answers.

“Write a list, sweetheart,” she advised him, taking Ruby out of his arms. “A good old fashioned pros and cons list.”

He’d contemplated it, at one in the morning when he couldn’t sleep because his brain was demanding that he make a decision. It did make sense, and he was getting to the point where he had to do _something,_ because he couldn’t take the back and forth.

“Have a good last day,” Liz smiled, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “We’re going to go grocery shopping and stop in to see Pop at work.”

Ruby clapped her hands together, before reaching out towards Luke. “Dada?”

He grinned, knowing he’d never get used to hearing her call for him. “I promise after today you have Dada _all_ the time,” he promised her, kissing her cheek. “Remember how much I love you.”

“Dada!”

He hesitated, not really wanting to leave her, but as soon as he could end the day, he’d have six long weeks with her, and he looked forward to every minute.

“Alright, go,” his mother insisted, giving him a gentle push. “Before she gets upset.”

It had happened a few times, a full on meltdown when he’d gone to leave for work, and it had broken his heart to leave her as she screamed, her hands reaching for him and tears rolling down her cheeks.

It was probably the hardest part of parenting, he realized. Not being able to be there, all the time.

He pressed another kiss against her cheek, and planted one on his mum before he was out the door, the thoughts of a pros and cons list on his mind.

**

Luke tapped his pen down on the rough list in front of him. It was his last class of the day – year nine English – and the kids were watching a DVD. He’d bought in _The Lord of the Rings_ earlier in the week, and they were finally wrapping up _The Fellowship of the Ring_.

It gave him time to kill, but he was trying to put in some effort into this pros and cons list. It was what he was counting on to save himself, wanting a clear answer, a perfect scenario.

He wasn’t sure if the points he listed under the _pros_ column was all that relevant, but it made sense to list things like Calum’s strong hands and the deep caramel colour of his skin. Not to mention the way he always held Luke, the way he’d cradled Ruby against his chest when she was tiny.

Those were the important things, to Luke anyway. It was never about practical things – financial security, emotional support – it was the things that they’d never talked about, but Luke knew they were there. In the gentle touch of Calum’s lips to his forehead when they were on the edge of falling asleep, or the ridiculous faces he’d make when Luke was on the phone with his principal.

It was in the early morning Ruby wake up’s, where Luke was a zombie and couldn’t even push back the sheets before trying to stand, Calum’s hands closing over his hip and wrist to push him back into bed, the rough, whispered _I’ve got her_ that made Luke sigh with relief and roll over to Calum’s side to press his nose against his pillow.

The pen was shaking in his hand and he had to swallow against the threat of tears that was choking him, and he slid his hand across the page, to the _cons_ column. There was only one, and Luke knew it long before he’d ever pressed pen to paper.

_He might leave again._

He sighed and dropped his pen, turning his attention to Frodo on the TV screen.

**

Luke thought he’d cry.

Big, fat, desperate tears as he sat down in that same spot beside the Hemmings’ memorial garden, Ruby sitting in his lap.

Instead, he was desperately trying to keep her from shoving leaves into her mouth, and from trying to crush the peony roses he’d picked up at Coles. It was stressful, and she was quickly getting fed up as he stopped her from eating a rock for the third time.

“Jeez, can you just,” Luke griped, letting her grip onto his fingers so she could stand, her legs still a little wobbly, but strengthening every day.

“Dada!”

He laughed, leaning in to kiss her nose from where she stood in front of him. “You’re my little hurricane, aren’t you?”

She giggled, her curls bouncing.

“This is a special day,” he told her. “We’re visiting your parents.”

He knew she was too young to understand, and he was monumentally glad. He wasn’t sure how he was going to tackle the subject of her parent’s deaths, but he knew he would never keep it from her. He was asked to raise her with the same values Ben and Sarah had believed in, and to Luke, that meant knowing where she came from, and the circumstances that had her ending up with Luke.

“Maybe you remember them a little,” he said, his thumbs pressing over the fingers wrapped around his own, holding her carefully. “I don’t know how far back memories can go, but maybe it’s not something you remember, but something you feel. And I always want you feel them, baby.”

She wasn’t really paying attention, but she captured his heart, and Luke knew he never wanted it back from her tiny little hands.

“So, hi guys,” he said, turning his attention to the garden. “I don’t know how long this little lady is going to let me sit here without trying to vacuum up every piece of foliage in this damn place, so I’ll be quick.

You may already know this, because there’s probably some kind of cosmic pay-per-view  where you can see me and parts of my life, so you probably know about the letter; that I have a decision to make. Calum is coming home and wants back in our lives and I don-“

“Lum!”

Luke looked at Ruby and smiled.

“Lum!” she said again, as if he hadn’t heard her.

“Yeah?” he asked, kissing her nose. “You want Calum to come home?”

“Lum!”

Luke laughed, wishing it could be as easy as that. “Do you think you could give me a sign,” he asked the garden. “Like, if I should be with him, can you make something happen so I know? Because I honestly don’t know what to do and he’s home in three days and I have to be there to tell him. And my heart wants him, but my head is reminding me of how much it broke me when he left the first time.”

Ruby giggled, watching a leaf blow past them, and Luke smiled at her.

“Do you guys want him back in her life?” he asked softly. “Is he a good dad? I know he loves her, but he left, once before. What if she’s four next time, and knows exactly who he is and then he just leaves again? Just checks out of her life because it’s too hard, or because he can’t do it. What do I do then?”

He knew that if Ruby wasn’t a factor, he’d already be sure he wanted Calum back. But the fact that she _was,_ was the reason he was in this mess in the first place. His life was bigger than just him now, he had to think of the wellbeing of his child, and what it would mean if Calum was in and out of her life.

“I want to trust his words that he won’t go again. But I can’t.”

It was a heart breaking revelation, maybe one he’d always known deep down, but didn’t want to acknowledge. His love for Calum would never change, but he wasn’t just making a decision for him, but for Ruby, too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this the SECOND LAST CHAPTER!!! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading, and commenting, and to those who've been kinda quiet and faithfully reading who are sharing their thoughts with me through a comment! It's so special that people take the time to write anything, so I sincerely thank all of you who do. Specifically, KellyWoods, Coco_Decon, asocialreader, Skagger, tryingtowritestories, laurie2629, Noé, CupidGenie, horanswillie, calum_xxx_hood & caketrash96!
> 
> xoxo


	35. Chapter 35

“So, this is it.”

Luke let out a shaky breath and swallowed around the lump in his throat. He was so incredibly thankful he’d thought to ask Ashton to drive him the airport, because with the way his hands were shaking and how his attention was as far away from the moment as it could be, he knew he could’ve put himself and others into harm’s way.

But more than that, Luke was just glad for his even, calm voice, even though they’d arrived to the airport twenty minutes ago and Luke had just sat in the passenger seat, staring out the windscreen. He’d been thinking about seeing Calum, and how much that was going to wreck him. He could already feel the tears behind his eyes threatening to break through, because he knew that no matter what, he wasn’t getting out of this with his heart intact.

“Have you made a decision?”

Luke looked over at Ashton, and could hear Ruby babbling the backseat. It was a safe place, and as much as Ashton reminded him of calm and levelheadedness, he was still verging on the edge of panic.

“I don’t know,” Luke whispered, scrubbing his hand over his face and let out a tired sigh.

He hadn’t slept well the night before – or for the last _week_ – and he thought the answer would be staring him in the face. He’d woken up that morning from what little sleep he’d actually had, and expected clarity.

He thought it would all fall into place and he would immediately know what was going to happen, but he was more confused than ever.

“I can wait here, if you like?”

“No, come,” Luke requested softly, looking over at Ashton. “It’s too hot to sit in the car.”

Ashton smiled, reaching over to squeeze his knee. “You got it.”

Ashton tugged the keys out of the ignition and started to get out of the car, and Luke realized he’d have to, too. He took his time, easing open his car door and planted his boots on the rough surface of the carpark and heaved out a sigh.

The sun was shining brightly, and had all day. It was a perfect summer day, really, and it was lost on Luke. It had taken him an hour to choose an outfit – though in the end Ashton had vetoed the flannel shirt he’d picked – and he still didn’t think the skinny-jeans-and-black-t-shirt combo was all that earth shattering, but it made sense to be himself.

“Luke?”

Luke stood, shielding his eyes from the sun to see Ashton with the baby bag on his shoulder, and Ruby in his arms.

“It’s time.”

Luke swallowed and nodded his head, tugging nervously at the bottom hem of his t-shirt. He nervously checked the time to see it was two, and he could feel hysterical laughter bubble in his throat.

What was he _doing_?

It felt reckless and stupid and downright insane, because he promised himself he’d put Ruby first, and now he was going with his heart instead.

“C’mon,” Ashton eased, closing Luke’s door and locked the car. “It’s Cal, Luke.”

Luke nodded his head and exhaled slowly, falling into step with Ashton as they headed across the carpark to the concrete structure that housed the elevator to take them deep into the international airport terminal.

Luke had memorized Calum’s flight details, and he knew they had a bit of a walk to take, because it was busy and they had to wait for the elevator for almost five minutes, and Luke was wringing his hands nervously by the time they entered the arrivals lounge.

They found a row of padded seats and Ashton sat down, bouncing Ruby on his knee while Luke chewed on his lip ring and scanned his eyes over the TV screens listing the arrival flights. Calum’s was on time, due to land in fifteen minutes at gate fifteen.

“So, I’ll wait here for you,” Ashton said, interrupting Luke’s thoughts.

“Alright.”

Ashton smiled, handing Ruby her sippy cup. “Take your time, okay? If she gets restless I’ll take her for a little walk and I’ll text you where we end up.”

Luke fidgeted, his teeth still closed over his lip ring, staring at the baby grinning from Ashton’s lap. “Change of plans,” he said quickly, holding his arms out for Ruby.

Ashton frowned. “Wait, what?”

“I’m going to take her with me,” Luke decided quickly, trying to edge out the hysteria in his voice.

“Luke…do you think that’s a good idea?”  Ashton said slowly, standing from his seat. “I thought you didn’t want to complicate things for her.”

“I need her with me,” Luke said, his voice strained. “I need her to call me Dada and giggle and remind me that everything I do is for her.”

“Luke,” Ashton tried again, letting out a sigh. “If you’re sure.”

Luke wanted to tell him _no_ , that he wasn’t sure about _anything_ , but having Ruby in his arms when he saw Calum again made sense in his jumbled mind.

“Here,” Ashton said, holding the baby bag out to Luke.

He took it, looping it over his shoulder. “Ash? Thanks, okay? For everything.”

Ashton smiled, clapping Luke gently on the shoulder. “I’d do anything for you, man. Even keep Michael away.”

Luke laughed softly, feeling some relaxation creep in. “I just can’t deal with him today,” he admitted. “I love him to death, but…”

“He’s intense,” Ashton supplied with a smile. “I get it.”

Luke’s eyes flicked up to the arrivals screen again, to see the status of Calum’s flight. He had five minutes before Calum would be stepping back onto Australian soil, and his stomach clenched.

“Go,” Ashton insisted, his hand dropping down to Luke’s lower back, and gave him a gentle shove. “You’ll know what to do.”

Luke hoped he was right, and he nodded his head, sucking in a breath before turning to head towards the arrivals lounge.

**

Luke’s heart was in his throat and Ruby’s hands were tugging at his necklace. He felt like every second he stood off to the side as people streamed past him with their luggage was dragging, that maybe he got the details wrong and Calum wasn’t coming home for another week, or maybe he’d landed the day before and he’d missed his chance.

But the one thing he couldn’t figure out, was what he wanted. He didn’t know what he was going to say when he saw Calum again, and he was starting to second guess his decision to bring Ruby. She didn’t like it when he was upset, and he knew there was no way he’d be able to keep back his emotions.

Plus, her seeing Calum after so long felt almost cruel, that just because Luke couldn’t hand it alone he was putting Ruby in an impossible situation.

He was going to leave, take Ruby back to Ashton so he could do this on his own, when he saw Calum.

The other man’s brows were furrowed together, hiking his carryon bag up higher on his shoulder as he navigated through the crush of people trying to find their loved ones. He looked tired and his golden brown skin almost glowed, and Luke’s heart _ached_.

He hurriedly slipped the baby bag off his shoulder, gripping Ruby tightly as he tugged the zip open, and reached into the back pocket of the bag for a discarded piece of paper. He grabbed a pen, too, and straightened up and tried to juggle the baby and the paper, all the while trying to scrawl out a message and not judge himself too much for the words he wrote.

His fingers were trembling, and he had to pull the page out of Ruby’s eager hands more than a few times as Luke’s eyes scanned the crowd to find Calum again, and his heart raced when he couldn’t see him.

His heart was slamming in his chest by the time he caught sight of the other man again, and Luke sucked in a sharp breath when their eyes locked.

Calum was twenty feet away, his carryon on his shoulder, and his suitcase gripped in his hand. He still looked tired, but there was a smile on his face. Luke could feel his mouth curve into the same expression, even as his chin trembled.

It felt like they stood there forever, staring at each other, looking around people as they passed to keep the eye contact, because it felt like _years_ since they’d last looked at each other.

Luke wasn’t sure what finally broke, but all of a sudden Calum was moving towards him, sidestepping people who got in his way, grimacing as a child dragged their suitcase over his toes.

Luke laughed softly, watching as Calum shot the kid a dirty look before he was moving towards them again, and Ruby practically started vibrating in his arms.

“Lum!” She shouted, thrusting her hand in Calum’s direction.

Luke knew he’d heard as he closed the gap between them quickly, almost knocking into Luke and Ruby when he finally stopped, dropping his bags to the floor.

Calum was breathing heavily as he crowded into their space, the paper trapped between their bodies as Calum’s hands reached up to cup around Luke’s jaw, their foreheads pressed together.

“Hi,” Calum whispered shakily, thumb stroking over Luke’s stubbled jaw.

“Hey,” Luke whispered back, blinking against his tears.

Calum kissed him, their lips brushing softly, and Luke whimpered.

“Lum!”

Calum laughed, pulling back from the chaste kiss to turn to her. “Wow,” he murmured. “You got so big.”

Luke leant in to hug him, hooking his chin over Calum’s shoulder and let go of the paper to wrap his arm around Calum. He could hear him talking to Ruby, but he couldn’t make out the words, but he didn’t care.

For the first time in a _long_ time, Luke had Calum back.

**

“Do you mean it?”

Luke lifted his head off of Calum’s shoulder, feeling as though a lifetime had passed while he was in the short embrace. He was committing everything to memory again; the way Calum smelt, the softness of his hair, the strong, toned muscles of his back.

“Luke?” Calum breathed softly, nudging his nose against Luke’s. “You mean it?”

Luke stepped back, adjusting his hold on Ruby, and looked down at the paper that was left abandoned at their feet. It was a sign he’d thought about making the night before, but had decided against it, knowing that if he had pressed pen to paper, it would’ve been too much.

“I mean it completely,” Luke promised.

 _Welcome home Daddy_ looked up at them from the ground, the rushed curl of his writing carving the moment in stone, because Luke hadn’t known what his decision was, until he’d laid his eyes on Calum.

Suddenly the pros and cons list didn’t matter, the fears he had or the uncertainty in his chest. Nothing else mattered, because he was meant to be with Calum.

It was as simple as that.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Calum breathed, running his fingertips over his stubble. “You have no idea.”

“I do,” Luke whispered, leaning back in to curl against Calum. “I’ve missed you every day.”

Calum kissed his temple, his arm curling around Luke’s waist.

“Lum!”

Calum laughed. “Can I hold her?”

Luke righted himself and smiled, looking at the way Ruby’s eyes sparkled as she looked at Calum. “Of course,” he smiled.

Calum held out his hands and Ruby pitched forward into his arms, patting her hands against his cheeks. “God, she’s so beautiful,” he murmured.

Luke felt naked without her, but he was unable to explain the joy he felt, watching his daughter look at Calum, and the way he looked at her.

“C’mere,” Calum murmured, lifting his arm.

Luke fit in underneath it, wrapping his arms around the both of them. “Welcome home, Cal.”

Calum hummed softly. “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

**

It’s later when they’re in bed that the tears fall. They put Ruby to bed at seven and ate fish and chips on the couch and laughed and caught up before Luke was abandoning all of it as Calum kissed him, touched him, made love to him, right there on the living room floor.

It left Luke with an ache in his lower back and limbs that felt useless and he let Calum drag him up and into the shower, letting himself be cared for as they ended up in bed, curled up close together, Calum curled around Luke’s back as his chest began to wheeze and his shoulders shook with sobs.

“I’m so sorry.”

Luke gasped softly, trying to keep the sobs behind his teeth but they were bigger than he was, forcing themselves out into the still silence of their bedroom.

“Promise me,” Luke whispered, finding Calum’s hand in the dark and laced their fingers together. “You can’t go again, Cal. Not without us.

“I promise,” Calum whispered, lips pressed to the spot below Luke’s ear. “Nothing else matters except our family.”

“And if they want you to play in Germany or Alaska or Finland, we’re _coming with you_ ,” Luke gasped out.

“Yes,” Calum confirmed, his free hand mapping over Luke’s abdomen. “I promise.”

Luke nodded, feeling the fear drip out of him, his shoulders sagging as the sobs tapered off.  “I love you, Calum.”

Calum’s hold around his waist tightened. “I love you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's still an epilogue to go, but this is it. The last, official chapter of Lay Me Down. I hope the ending was satisfactory, and I hope you all feel a sense of closure, or like letting go of this story is okay now that Calum and Luke are back together. 
> 
> I feel like this is my chance to give a speech, but I will refrain because it's a little ridiculous. I'm just so touched and happy that people liked this story, and it gave them something to look forward to, or gave them a break from anything troubling them. It's really the highest compliment as a writer, to give someone a world to exist in a few times a week. 
> 
> So thank you to everyone who read this, subscribed to it, left kudos on it, and more importantly - commented. Your generosity is so greatly appreciated. Special thanks to asocialreader, thominhoplease, Skagger, tryingtowritestories, Coco_Decon, thatfangirlingfreak, Lukesnotpunk, laurie2629, KellyWoods, CupidGenie, tigerlily_sunshine & honeycalum for their comments on the last chapter. 
> 
> xoxo


	36. Epilogue

_Two months later_

“Our baby is one.”

Luke smiled, lifting his head off of Calum’s chest to smile at him. “She is,” he confirmed, his voice just as soft as the man beside him.

Calum laughed softly, cupping Luke’s jaw and kissed him softly, both of them rumpled with sleep at just two minutes after midnight.

They hadn’t planned to stay awake to count down the last remaining minutes before Ruby’s birthday, but Luke had been unable to sleep and could tell Calum was in the same boat, so they’d laid cuddled together as they watched the clock, and Luke couldn’t explain the elation he felt in his chest at the words Calum had said.

“I mean,” Calum whispered, kissing over Luke’s lips to his jaw. “She’s this incredible little person and we helped make her that way.”

“Mhm,” Luke agreed softly, leaning into Calum’s lips. “We taught her to walk and talk and how to wave and all her favourite songs. _We_ did that.”

Calum kissed him, rolling Luke onto his back and slid on top of him, their tongues meeting gently.

Luke whimpered, wrapping his legs loosely around Calum’s hips. “She’s,” he whispered, pulling out of the kiss. “She’s our _baby_ , Cal.”

“Not anymore,” Calum smiled. “She’s _one_.”

Luke laughed softly, cupping Calum’s cheek. “She is, isn’t she?”

“She’s our girl,” Calum murmured.

Luke ran his hands down Calum’s shoulders, fingers moving to stroke the bicep of his right arm. Although he couldn’t see it in the dark of their bedroom, he knew the letters there by heart, knew the scrawl of script inked deeply into Calum’s warm skin, an early birthday present to their daughter.

Luke had cried when he’d come home with his arm wrapped in glad wrap and tape, the letters right there for him to read. It matched the beautiful tribute to Calum’s sister that lived on his left forearm, who was a lifetime away in London, and Luke had felt something shift inside of him, to see Ruby’s name inked into Calum’s skin, forever.

But if he was being honest, it was the letter _L_ , in the same script tattooed over Calum’s heart that meant the most, a promise that what they were doing was for forever. The tattoo was followed by a proposal that Luke accepted through his tears, just a week before Ruby’s actual birthday.

“I love you so much,” Calum whispered in the dark, their noses nudging gently. “You and our baby girl.”

“We love you,” Luke responded, fingers sliding through Calum’s soft curls. “You’re the best dad and man I’ve ever met.”

Calum kissed him gently, his hand reaching for Luke’s free one, their fingers lacing together.

It didn’t take much more than Calum’s mouth and the gentle rock of his hips for Luke to feel the want for the other man – a fact he whispered in Calum’s ear with a soft, pleading whine – and before long, Luke was losing himself and finding Calum, letting the love they shared be sealed with a scorching orgasm before they were finally falling asleep, wrapped up in each other’s arms.

**

Many hours later, when Luke and Calum’s backyard was overflowing with the nearest and dearest to them, did everything seem to catch up with Luke.

Watching Ruby’s eyes light up as everyone sang to her where she sat in her highchair, her blonde hair curling around her ears and her three top-and-bottom teeth showing through her beautiful smile, made everything feel so much more real.

He couldn’t believe they were at this point – her first birthday – and it had probably been the best and worst year of Luke’s life. Losing Ben and Sarah and becoming a parent, and Calum – the man who had his heart.

The same man, who was cutting up uneven slices of cake and putting them onto pink paper plates, and enlisting Lauren’s help to distribute them between the adults. He wore a brilliant, proud smile, the _R_ of his Ruby tattoo peeking out from under the sleeve of his white t-shirt.

He was _happy_ , it was radiating off of him in waves, especially as he pressed a kiss to Ruby’s forehead and set a plate down in front of her, laughing as she poked her fingers into the buttercream.

Luke raised the camera around his neck and snapped a handful of pictures as his daughter sucked the icing off her fingers, before digging in for another taste.

After the pressure of making her owl cake six months ago, Luke had been much happier with her first birthday cake; a vanilla cake moulded into a rainbow with bright, beautiful colours, and fluffy white clouds. And it looked like Ruby was happy, too, as she dug both hands into it and shovelled it into her mouth.

“Cake?”

Luke felt Calum’s hand on his hip, and saw the smile on the man’s face as he extended a paper plate towards him. “Why, thank you.”

“I hear the baker is really hot,” Calum teased, leaning in to kiss Luke’s lips.

Luke snorted, draping his free arm over Calum’s shoulder. “Don’t tell me you’re into bakers.”

“Oh yeah,” Calum murmured, his voice deep and smooth. “A teacher who doubles as a baker is my biggest fantasy.”

Luke smiled, biting down on his lip ring. “Well, hold onto your hat, because I have news for you.”

Calum let out a soft, playful growl, and kissed him on the lips.

Luke laughed softly, kissing him back gently, mindful of the plate of cake in his hand.

“Daddyyyyy!”

Luke laughed and pulled out of the kiss to look over Calum’s shoulder at Ruby, who had cake all over her face and was calling insistently for her father.

Calum’s followed his line of sight and laughed at the sight of the baby. “Looks like I’m wanted.”

Luke gave his behind a gentle squeeze. “By more than just her.”

Calum smirked, and gave Luke another kiss before Ruby was calling out for him again.

Hearing the word come out of her mouth was incredible, and Luke knew he’d never tire of hearing it. He didn’t think Ruby would pick it up so quickly once Calum had moved back in, but it barely took a week of Luke calling Calum Daddy in front of her, for her to start using it too, and it just felt _right_.

Calum was ready to be her father, and she was ready for him. The bond they shared was incredible, and it was like Calum had never left, thought the scars his departure left would live forever in Luke’s heart.

But they were a family, and Luke ate his cake as he watched as Calum tended to Ruby, taking the plate of mostly devoured cake away from her, and went about cleaning her up with wipes, before lifting her out of her highchair.

She wore a beautiful pink party dress, and Luke could see that the excitement of the afternoon was catching up with her as she laid her head on Calum’s shoulder, before the other man was bringing her over to Luke.

“Hi, Ruby,” Luke greeted, leaning in to kiss her cheek, abandoning his plate on the picnic table.

“Dada,” she said tiredly, letting out a sigh.

Luke stepped close to Calum, and wrapped his arm around his waist, his free hand covering Ruby’s back. “My sweet girl.”

“She’s going to crash out,” Calum commented, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“She will,” Luke nodded, reaching up to wipe away a stray smudge of blue icing on Ruby’s cheek. “Then maybe later we can…you know.”

Calum grinned and gave Luke a suggestive look. “Yeah?”

Luke smirked. “Maybe.”

“You two are gross.”

Luke rolled his eyes at Michael, who was setting his empty plate down on top of Luke’s. “You’re just jealous.”

Michael snorted, rolling his eyes. “Why would I be? Have you _seen_ my boyfriend?”

Luke smiled, looking at Ashton where he sat at the picnic table, eating his cake. “When are you two having kids?”

Michael made a face. “Look, Harry sleeps over once a week and that’s as close as I’m getting to having kids.”

Calum laughed. “Sure, okay.”

“I mean it!” Michael insisted. “It’s bad enough I love _him_ , let alone bringing a kid in. It’d be competition for his attention.”

“Oh my God,” Calum laughed. “You’re too much.”

Michael shrugged, helping himself to another piece of cake and went to sit by Ashton.

“Isn’t it funny,” Calum murmured, his mouth pressed to Luke’s forehead. “How we all ended up here together?”

Luke looked over at their friends; Ashton’s hand on Michael’s thigh and Michael’s chin hooked over his shoulder, and couldn’t help the smile on his face. “Funny?” he asked, turning his attention back to Calum. “I don’t know about that, but it feels right. It feels like this is right where we’re supposed to be.”

Calum nudged his nose against Luke’s and leant down and kissed him. He had the taste of icing on his lips and Luke’s heart grew that tiny bit more in his chest.

Despite all of it; the heartache and desperate sadness of being apart for so long, he was _happy_. He had the love of his life and their daughter and their family and friends, and while he’d always miss Ben and Sarah every day for the rest of his life, he was going to be okay.

It had taken him a long time to realize that, and Luke knew that one day, he’d get around to telling Calum he was the main reason, for most of it.

He might even put it in his vows.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will confess something...this is not the epilogue I was going to post an hour ago. I just rewrote half of it, and I am much happier with this ending. I don't know what it was about the original one, but I didn't feel like it was true to the story, and this one definitely is. I hope you all enjoy it. 
> 
> Thank you so much for coming with me on this journey. <3
> 
> Special thanks to horanswillie, Coco_Decon, laurie2629, Skagger, anita, rocketmail, thominhoplease, tryingtowritestories, asocialreader, CupidGenie, Lukesnotpunk, daisy_maus, kris & honeycalum for their comments on the last official chapter!
> 
> xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I'll be honest. I almost don't want to post this, because it has been a labour of love over these past few months and I feel kind of weird now that it's over :( 
> 
> But I'm really proud of it, and it's incredibly emotional, and if anyone thinks there should be more specific tags added as I post chapters, please let me know. I go kind of blank when trying to figure those damn things out! 
> 
> I really honestly hope you all like this, so please leave me a comment! 
> 
> xoxo


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